Heather1 Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 I tried NC for a few weeks, then I caved. We called & emailed each other for another month promising to remain friends (both married w/ kids). Then I finally saw him after not seeing him for 2 months in the morning with his friends. Both our spouses were out of town, and we got together for the 2nd time last night....with the promise (to him)it would never happen again & we had to stop. I'm emotionally wiped out & don't know what to think. The last time this happened, he got ahold of me 7 days later to say, "never again." He FINALLY admitted to some problems in his marriage, which surprised me because I kind of thought this connection was because of his business. This is the first time this has happened to either of us. What's in store for me now people??? Another heave ho? Can I just suck it up and be friends? I still want him in my life, but I'm willing to give up the PA. We've been good for each other, despite the drama....which I want to keep to a minimum. My only chance w/ him is if I do give up the PA, and I know that.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 I tried NC for a few weeks, then I caved. We called & emailed each other for another month promising to remain friends (both married w/ kids). Then I finally saw him after not seeing him for 2 months in the morning with his friends. Both our spouses were out of town, and we got together for the 2nd time last night....with the promise (to him)it would never happen again & we had to stop. I'm emotionally wiped out & don't know what to think. The last time this happened, he got ahold of me 7 days later to say, "never again." He FINALLY admitted to some problems in his marriage, which surprised me because I kind of thought this connection was because of his business. This is the first time this has happened to either of us. What's in store for me now people??? Another heave ho? Can I just suck it up and be friends? I still want him in my life, but I'm willing to give up the PA. We've been good for each other, despite the drama....which I want to keep to a minimum. My only chance w/ him is if I do give up the PA, and I know that. Friends, No. lovers, no, ea or pa. no. There should be nothing between you anymore. If you want to remain the other woman than fine it's your choice. but dont expect to stay friends, while he remained married. Because if his wife has any say so, ask her would she allow her husband to remain friends with the woman who he used to havean affair with? Probably not.
sadintexas Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 I kinda went the same route as you. We quit the PA part and were "friends" which was just code for continued EA. Eventually PA again then back to EA only. Now nothing. It's been a tough road. Being friends with him will keep you entangled in this so it depends on what you really want to gain from it. Removing the physical aspect didn't make it any easier, if anything, it made it a little harder because there was more yearning. Honestly, if you want to remain married, I think you need to do the hard thing which is focus on yourself and figure out how to get what you need from yourself and your marriage. I don't mean that in a mean way. It's the only way you'll move on from this.
Reggie Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 The power of the puss is strong, Luke Skywalker. You are ruled by your limbic system. :bunny:
DNU1 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Seriously, the ONLY way you are going to get over him is to establish NO CONTACT FOR LIFE! Every time you see him, text him, talk to him your recovery from him will go back to ground zero. You will start that withdrawal over from step #1 every time you have contact with him. You want the best way to have no contact forever...tell your husband what you have been doing, throw yourself at his feet and beg forgiveness. Then call OMs wife and tell her what you have done. Get this lie out in the open and be done with it. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Bring it out in the open and it will die. And if you have to, move to another city. Be done with him. Cause every time you see / hear / text / e-mail him, you are going to get that feeling back again. It's like an addiction to drugs or alcohol. Do the right thing...
Mr. Lucky Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 We've been good for each other, despite the drama.... Now that's a new one. How have you been "good" for each other ??? Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 minimum. My only chance w/ him is if I do give up the PA, and I know that. You have NO chance 'with him'. You two cannot be friends! Sadly, I think you're going to have to learn this on your own and experience more pain by being friends with someone you can't ever have. This A has done enough damage to you. But, if you want to continue to be second fiddle and lose yourself, stay on this path..OR, you can tell him goodbye, grieve and heal.
jj33 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 The only reason you want him in your life is because you still have feelings for him and are not prepared to go through the withdraw of getting over him. See it for what it is. You want to continue the emotional connection on whatever level is possible. As others have said its not the best thing for you. It only continues the drama, the longing the emotional entanglement. If he has problems let him sort them out, if he leaves his marriage and you decide to leave yours, that is another story. But for now there is no relationship for the two of you that wont harm you emotionally.
Author Heather1 Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Thanks all...it's been a sucky few weeks. We made these "promises" to each other. He wanted me to promise it would never happen again & I made him promise to just let me think of good stuff & move on. Well, he broke his promise. I took off for the weekend to get away & think, not getting ahold of him at all. I just thought I could drop it & move on and kind of NC, but no drama either. On Sunday, I get a call from his work number w/ no message. I was really excited to see the number and hadn't talked to him in days. I got an email saying, "oops, miss-dialed." I said, "that figures, I was hoping to hear from you." KABOOM!! Mean emails, etc. and finally another phone call from him. He let me have it....and I barely said a word. I said, "don't you have any feelings for me?" and that was about all I got in. He said all his love goes to his W. I said I didn't really know what happened, because for a year in a half before the PA he was telling me he was falling for me, etc.. He told me everything changed when I told him I loved him. So here I am, on my "get over it" retreat in a beautiful coastal town, getting my friggin heart ripped to the core. He said if I couldn't handle being friends, we shouldn't talk. Somehow the conversation turned itself around, without me being in tears, and I was OK when we hung up. I didn't want to do NC on his terms. So then another friend of mine passed away. I have had 5 very good friends die in the past few years, mid-forties. Our first kiss was the day before a funeral last Sept.. I fully get that I'm in a MLC that I'm not handling well. I'm just surprised I got the un-empathetic MM, much like how my parents are. I emailed him saying I was really sad about this death, and then another one saying I'm really a mess & I can't talk to him anymore. He kind of made it about him?? Then I said I just need to grieve. I'm SO not a drama queen, but he creates so much. I just got in a really vulnerable situation that first kiss, and I swear I think he was thinking "victim." I thought he was helping me. I feel so stupid. So we're NC, 3 days. I actually feel OK. I cried in bed over my friends, hardly giving him a thought. I worked on Mother's Day & stayed busy. Today, I was out all day and just got back after shopping, etc.. I just want this chapter of life to close & move on. I will NEVER let this happen again!! I just think babies, then a disability, then health issues (my H), then deaths. Yeah, I was about as vulnerable as you can get. This time I really am going to grieve.....the right way!! To honor my friends who have passed away, who really loved me & were great friends. And yes....my H knows.
White Flower Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 We've been good for each other, despite the drama....which I want to keep to a minimum. My only chance w/ him is if I do give up the PA, and I know that. Chance of what? I can't see how you are good for each other. You're saying you've had no drama before him and not there's lots of it. Has this been good for you? And for him to say he's been falling for you, and once it goes PA he suddenly is outraged that you love him? I think he coaxed you into sleeping with him by saying all those months he was falling for you. Once you succumbed to the physical and he had you in his pocket, he didn't need to say the lovey dovey words. Then he got upset that you broke the rules and actually expressed your love??? If he never said he was 'falling for you' I could almost understand his shock and horror when you said you loved him but come on! He led you down that path and slapped you in the face when you followed suit. Try to see that. The drama is in the confusion.
fooled once Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 You say you don't like drama, yet you draw it in with emails/texts/phone calls. You didn't have to email him after he sent you an email saying "opps, misdialed". But you did and you invited the drama in. If you want to let go --- then mean it and do it. You say your H knows -- he knows about your affair?
Gamine Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 All of the 'excitement' hardly seems worth it now, does it? Now, the marriage/relationship with your husband is damaged and this man has used you. Some MM as well as single men play the 'feelings' card very well unless and until they are required to pay the piper. It is very sad that many OW fall prey to this and unfortunately fall in love or become attached to a man that is not really emotionally available... and unavailable because they are already married. My husband admitted to using words to have his affair and ended it cold when I found out and he did not pull any punches when explaining it to the OW where his priorities fell. OW rarely know the real deal and can get caught up in a 'forbidden romance' fantasy. When the sad reality may very well be that they are be utilized as a means for a man to have sex and feel important. Looking at it ... it smacks of being a user. I hope that you heal your wounds and focus on your marriage... your children who need a mother as a role model, and yourself. Remember the strong points about yourself and make them stronger. Look at the weak points, respect the weaknesses but move beyond them. Residing in the light is so much better.
Author Heather1 Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 We were good before all this happened.... I guess I'm just trying to make the best of being a conquest. I know I deserve whatever I get from this. Maybe that's why he was so good to me in the first place? It doesn't matter, I'm so numb I don't even feel pain anymore (right this second anyway). When I think of him, it's mostly of me sitting on the bench (on my cell) saying, "Don't you have any feelings for me?" and waiting to get another earful. Even the "accidental" phone call was crazy. I didn't think I would get slammed for being a little dissappointed it was an accident. That was a "fight" where there shouldn't have been one. And I'm a wimp, so perfect. I just need to silently go away, no drama. NC. That's why I didn't do it that day....I didn't want the big scene and the pinning. I wanted to backpeddle & have some control. No win with this stuff...which is why it's wrong, huh?
White Flower Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 We were good before all this happened.... I guess I'm just trying to make the best of being a conquest. I know I deserve whatever I get from this. Maybe that's why he was so good to me in the first place? It doesn't matter, I'm so numb I don't even feel pain anymore (right this second anyway). When I think of him, it's mostly of me sitting on the bench (on my cell) saying, "Don't you have any feelings for me?" and waiting to get another earful. Even the "accidental" phone call was crazy. I didn't think I would get slammed for being a little dissappointed it was an accident. That was a "fight" where there shouldn't have been one. And I'm a wimp, so perfect. I just need to silently go away, no drama. NC. That's why I didn't do it that day....I didn't want the big scene and the pinning. I wanted to backpeddle & have some control. No win with this stuff...which is why it's wrong, huh? You are right that there is no win. The only win is if he came knocking on your door with D papers in hand. Unless of course you like being a part-time lover only and you both know what you're in it for. I think only a small few can negotiate such terms. But you seem very emotionally involved and could probably use some time to step back and really think about what your needs and expectations are. Only you can decide.
wildsoul Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 You touched the hot stove and got burned again. Ouchie! So what do you do next? Remove your hand, bandage up your wounds, and remember not to touch it again. Not everyone gets it on the first time. But it will usually just keep getting worse until you DO get it. You need NC, not LC this time. (((hugs)))
2sunny Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 let me just ask how you would feel if you found out that your husband had a "friend" such as yours? does that put any of this in a different perspective for you? you need to allow your husband to understand that he should be tested for std's. that's only fair. tell him you may be at risk and put him at risk too, from a "friendship."
Author Heather1 Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Thank you for that... I know you're right, because this time the rejection was worse. The first time I knew he was confused out of guilt. This time I just want to take my bat & ball & go home.
NoIDidn't Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 You touched the hot stove and got burned again. Ouchie! So what do you do next? Remove your hand, bandage up your wounds, and remember not to touch it again. Not everyone gets it on the first time. But it will usually just keep getting worse until you DO get it. You need NC, not LC this time. (((hugs))) The image of this is great. I am hardheaded. I would continue to touch the stove a little quicker each time to see if I finally would only feel heat and not get burned. It dawned on me one day to stop trying to trick my hand into not feeling burned.
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