Unrequited love - how much is it the fault of other person for leading us on?

[loser101]

I'm over it now. I just ignore anything that looks like something I might want to see. I remind myself daily that regardless of what they say or do, they don't like me that way. I am at the point now where I actually believe it and have put my false hope and wishful thinking firmly out to pasture.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say - in the case of unrequited love, the only person you can control and take responsibility for is yourself. You can either let yourself suffer by exposing yourself to their behaviors and torturing yourself by trying to figure out if they like you and are hiding it in some way, or you can ignore them and tell yourself that it means nothing and you can go about your day.

 

I agree with the above so much, especially what I have highlighted. I cannot believe that if you have a crush on someone and you are not getting the responses you need, you would allow that feeling to get out of hand so much that it would actually evolve into love.

 

Blaming someone else for not looking after your feelings is just weak in my opinion.

[OpenBook]

I don't believe love is a delusion, it's two way traffic to me. If it's one way, that's not love as far as I'm concerned. Like I say that might be unrequited love to someone, but to me it's a delusion. More like wanting to love someone. Love is a safe place to fall, not a stinging rejection.

 

Fascinating. I totally disagree with you, but I'm still fascinated. I wonder if most men feel the same way you do? Men tend to be so concrete and logical... but I know they also suffer from unrequited love, just as us women do. Men just handle it differently.

 

I firmly believe that a person can love someone - and it absolutely doesn't matter whether that love is returned or not. It's still love. Kinda like that old conundrum, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, did it make a sound?" My answer to that is a resounding YES. The existence or manifestation of something does NOT depend on whether it is witnessed by something (or someone) else.

 

Back to the OP - you don't know how many times I've been in your shoes!!! And so have billions of others. At the end of the day, the bottom line for us is, you've got to proceed by doing what's healthy for YOU, without consideration for him (or anyone else). Keep on moving with your life, and don't "feed" your obsession. Let it die. It's not good for you.

 

This is extremely difficult to do. I take heart in knowing that I am even ABLE to love someone like I've loved my unrequited crushes. It's a precious gift to them, and just because they didn't want it, doesn't make it any less valuable. I even feel a little sorry for them, as they don't know what they're missing... although I accept that it is their absolute right to turn it down.

 

And BTW, every one of my unrequited crushes has thoroughly enjoyed leading me on. It's a total ego thing for them... but that's ALL it is. There's nothing else to it. I've gotten a lot better about recognizing that early on, and removing myself from (or avoiding altogether) that kind of unhealthy situation. Simply put, I stand on my own two feet. It seems to work.

 

I hope this helps.

[Montclair0011]

This is an interesting discussion. I have a long history of unrequited love, interrupted by a long marriage and then a return to unrequited love when my husband left me for someone else. So I've been thinking about it a lot, and trying to focus on how I ended up in those situations so as to never go there again.

 

Almost everyone has some experience with unrequited love when they are dumped and can't let go of feelings from the relationship--although this is not the "crush" experience that is usually associated with classic unrequited love. I've been in long periods of both and I think they feel very similar.

 

In my experiences of UL, it never occurred to me that it was anyone's fault except my own. Thinking back though I do think it probably happens more to less attractive people with low self-esteem. There is such an emphasis on looks in our society. Anyone who has gone through life being average or below average looking will be familiar with having guys always respond first to more attractive friends (even psycho ones) and to feel overlooked. So, it's not surprising that people in that situation have issues with self-esteem and accept crappy situations such as unrequited love as all they can get.

 

I've also seen very attractive people experience intense UR, but it seems they get over it quicker and sometimes even get the person they are in love with (as the OP evidently has--way to go!).

 

In some ways, unrequited love is the lowest form of love and indicates serious self-esteem issues for the person who endures it over the long haul. In the big picture of love it's even below being the OM/OW since at least they get laid on a regular basis.