Unrequited love - how much is it the fault of other person for leading us on?

[BlueEyedGirl]

This got me thinking. In my life I have had 3 other longer term unrequited love situations with my boss being the fourth. Other guys were single and I saw them on regular basis (one from high school, one from college and one hang out in my group of friends). I ended up having some sort of short romantic relationship with all 3 after anywhere from 6 months to 2 years of obssesing.

 

In all cases though (including my boss) I have sensed some reciprocation and definetly flirting for the duration of my "obssesion". Not full reciprocation mind you, but enough to give me hope. I honestly do not beleive that those situations could go on for so long without any signs from them (and I am quite realistic about the signs and am not the type to blow every little interaction out of proportion).

 

I knew another guy in my circle of friends that I found very attractive and started developing a crush on. However it was clear to me that he didn't feel the same way and even when we talked he treated me with consistent distant politness. The crush died down less then 2 months after it started, even though I see this guy on a regular basis to this day.

 

I also see that spookie's boss has been giving her mixed signals and keeps doing so even after he gave her the line that they better off keeping their relationship proffessional.

 

Anyway I guess I do not have a question, I just had to get that out.

[CommitmentPhobe]

I don't believe in unrequited love

 

I believe in incompatibility, people not being attracted to you when you're attracted to them, and unrequited crushes

 

I don't think love is something you can define until you've been with someone for a while

 

So to answer your question, no.

[justme2781]

how can you not beleive in unrequited love, it happens a lot it isnt relly to be beleived or not beleived lol. for the OP you may need to look into why you are picking these guys, its hard i know, i have had problems like that in the past i finally grew out of it and have an awesome man. good luck.

[CommitmentPhobe]

how can you not beleive in unrequited love, it happens a lot it isnt relly to be beleived or not beleived lol.

 

It's quite simple, what some people call unrequited love, I term delusion.

[BlueEyedGirl]

It's quite simple, what some people call unrequited love, I term delusion.

 

I disagree. Delusion would be beleiving that someone is in love with you when they aren't. With unrequited love you are well aware of what the situation is. And I call it love because I knew these people in a friendship capacity for a long time, it is not someone that I see around and have few conversations with. I guess another term for it would be platonic love, unless you don't beleive in that either?

[carhill]

The term could also describe two people who have love and attraction but are singly or wholely otherwise involved and do not act on those feelings. Action and awareness can be separate realities. That's a bit different from the mixed signals scenarios.

 

If one has followed the depth of LakesideDream's saga, it might describe a latter-day unrequited love due to such circumstance, even though they had shared moments decades ago. My example is a bit more pure, and exists to this day, but I believe, with all the years and familiarity and intimacy under our belts, it's evolved into something else besides an unrequited love, more like a comfortable, though sometimes emotional, symbiosis. I did feel a bit "led on" in the early times, but we were both in our early-mid 20's and largely ignorant of the larger ramifications, or at least I was. My feelings, then and now, are completely my responsibility.

[justme2781]

It's quite simple, what some people call unrequited love, I term delusion.

 

 

if you beleive love is a delusion fine, but if someone is in love with someone who is not in love back that is unrequited love . .period. it is an actual thing.

[Lizzie60]

I am not sure what unrequited love means.. but about 'leading someone'.. I don't quite agree that it would be that person's only fault.

 

I believe that someone can lead someone.. but only for a certain time.. then the other person (being leaded) would be already so in it that they wouldn't see the 'red flags'... that the person is not serious.. that they're being played.. etc... so it would also be their fault for being not able to see tbose red flags or seeing them but yet not being strong enough to leave..

 

I don,t know if I'm being understood.. (sorry.. it is sometimes hard to explain, English not being my first language)...

[carhill]

I am not sure what unrequited love means..

 

Since your loves seem to be requited, I'll help..... IMO, when you can't or choose not to, due to whatever circumstances outside of your control, express to that person the full depth and breadth of the emotions you attach to your perception of the person, or, when you make expressions of those emotions which are rejected or otherwise not returned, and, in either case, those emotions endure over time, then that love and/or attraction is deemed unrequited.

 

Requited love is a far healthier dynamic

[spookie]

I wouldn't say it's their fault, but I think most sane people (and you and I both qualify as sane) would not stay in love with absolutely no encouragement from the other party.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Since your loves seem to be requited, I'll help..... IMO, when you can't or choose not to, due to whatever circumstances outside of your control, express to that person the full depth and breadth of the emotions you attach to your perception of the person, or, when you make expressions of those emotions which are rejected or otherwise not returned, and, in either case, those emotions endure over time, then that love and/or attraction is deemed unrequited.

 

Requited love is a far healthier dynamic

 

Yes that is how I feel.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I wouldn't say it's their fault, but I think most sane people (and you and I both qualify as sane) would not stay in love with absolutely no encouragement from the other party.

 

Perhaps fault is not the right word. I don't beleive that those men lead us on deliberatly or maliciously. Perhaps they are unaware of the depth of our feelings - even though you have told your boss, he might think it's just a crush. I am sure that my boss can see that I am attracted but does he know that I go home and cry most evenings over him? Probably not (and thank god for that).

 

Maybe they do like us in some way but also enjoy having their ego boosted.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I am not sure what unrequited love means.. but about 'leading someone'.. I don't quite agree that it would be that person's only fault.

 

I believe that someone can lead someone.. but only for a certain time.. then the other person (being leaded) would be already so in it that they wouldn't see the 'red flags'... that the person is not serious.. that they're being played.. etc... so it would also be their fault for being not able to see tbose red flags or seeing them but yet not being strong enough to leave..

 

I don,t know if I'm being understood.. (sorry.. it is sometimes hard to explain, English not being my first language)...

 

Yes but what if you don't sense that you are being led on or played as such, what if you sense that due to circumstances and timing those people chose to block any feelings that they have for you? It kind of keeps the hope alive that some day...

[Kamille]

I came upon my junior high school diary today and got to relive my obsession over this one guy Phil. It was painful to read. I did believe I was in love with a guy I hardly ever spoke too.

 

Seems clear to me now that that wasn't love, and while, at the time, I assumed he knew what was going on and would sometimes get mad at him for leading me on, I now realize the poor guy probably had no idea just how bad my crush was and was just being nice to me.

 

the problem was that I was so obsessed with him that thinking about him and over-analyzing the situation to bits made me feel more alive then admitting there was nothing there. I think my "unrequited crush" made me feel like at least my life was interesting. Now i realize all it did was keep me from meeting boys who might have been interested in me.

[CommitmentPhobe]

I disagree. Delusion would be beleiving that someone is in love with you when they aren't.

 

No, delusion, the way I term it is believing you're in love with someone when you're not.

 

We can agree to disagree, just making it clear what we're disagreeing over

 

I would have agreed with you until the first time I realised I was in love with someone and it was real. I knew then that what I thought was love previously wasn't love at all. Different experiences for different people I guess.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Another thing that I wonder about: is the person that does have romantic feelings for you truly capable of supressing them due to circumstances (being married, being your boss etc)?

 

I kind of beleive that if feelings are strong enough they are impossible to supress no matter what the circumstances..

[BlueEyedGirl]

I came upon my junior high school diary today and got to relive my obsession over this one guy Phil. It was painful to read. I did believe I was in love with a guy I hardly ever spoke too.

 

Seems clear to me now that that wasn't love, and while, at the time, I assumed he knew what was going on and would sometimes get mad at him for leading me on, I now realize the poor guy probably had no idea just how bad my crush was and was just being nice to me.

 

the problem was that I was so obsessed with him that thinking about him and over-analyzing the situation to bits made me feel more alive then admitting there was nothing there. I think my "unrequited crush" made me feel like at least my life was interesting. Now i realize all it did was keep me from meeting boys who might have been interested in me.

 

 

Kamille, good post. There is definetly that element to it too. I have been accused of leading on men and when I think about those times, I was actually only being nice to them and they chose to blow it out of proportion.

[CommitmentPhobe]

if you beleive love is a delusion fine, but if someone is in love with someone who is not in love back that is unrequited love . .period. it is an actual thing.

 

I don't believe love is a delusion, it's two way traffic to me. If it's one way, that's not love as far as I'm concerned. Like I say that might be unrequited love to someone, but to me it's a delusion. More like wanting to love someone. Love is a safe place to fall, not a stinging rejection.

[spookie]

Perhaps fault is not the right word. I don't beleive that those men lead us on deliberatly or maliciously. Perhaps they are unaware of the depth of our feelings - even though you have told your boss, he might think it's just a crush. I am sure that my boss can see that I am attracted but does he know that I go home and cry most evenings over him? Probably not (and thank god for that).

 

Maybe they do like us in some way but also enjoy having their ego boosted.

 

Yah. I'm with you...

[spookie]

I came upon my junior high school diary today and got to relive my obsession over this one guy Phil. It was painful to read. I did believe I was in love with a guy I hardly ever spoke too.

 

Seems clear to me now that that wasn't love, and while, at the time, I assumed he knew what was going on and would sometimes get mad at him for leading me on, I now realize the poor guy probably had no idea just how bad my crush was and was just being nice to me.

 

the problem was that I was so obsessed with him that thinking about him and over-analyzing the situation to bits made me feel more alive then admitting there was nothing there. I think my "unrequited crush" made me feel like at least my life was interesting. Now i realize all it did was keep me from meeting boys who might have been interested in me.

 

Gah.

 

On the one hand, this sounds painfully familiar. I obsess the same way you (and I) did in junior high, and probably at least partially for the same reasons.

 

On the other hand... I think I'm an adult, and I know by now what I do and don't find attractive. I am not attracted to almost anyone that I meet, yet my lust for Jack will not die. Maybe I have good reasons for liking him (which are fueled, like BEG's hypothesis, by his niceness, and refusal (or unwillingness, at any rate) to kill all my hope.)

[BlueEyedGirl]

I think what has changed for me since HS is that back then I obssesed with men that I barely talked to or didn't talk to at all. As I get older I need much more interaction and some positive feedback from them on regular basis, otherwise I would lose interest. If my boss started treating me consistently in a cool, professional manner, my crush would die.

[carhill]

I kind of beleive that if feelings are strong enough they are impossible to suppress no matter what the circumstances..

 

Yes, for surely, otherwise, you would go insane

 

The key is to accept the feelings, process the circumstances and then act and behave accordingly. There is nothing about it which is easy.

[spookie]

The key is to accept the feelings, process the circumstances and then act and behave accordingly. There is nothing about it which is easy.

 

I am with you on this one.

 

The trouble is, sometimes all your options really suck.

[carhill]

If my boss started treating me consistently in a cool, professional manner, my crush would die.

We've tried a similar experiment for a few months. Strictly business; purely topical. Even had business arguments. Fugetaboutit. If 14 years of NC didn't fix it, likely nothing will. So, instead, acceptance and appropriate behavior. Life is too short to deny reality, IMO.

 

Datapoint...some strong feelings going on tonight. Not mine....hmm. That's the difficult part, differentiating. I'm liking Lizzie's perspective more and more

[LucreziaBorgia]

Having been on both sides - both the unrequited and being accused of inflicting it I am torn really.

 

On one hand, a person is not responsible for your perceptions of what they are doing. On the other, if they are deliberately doing something to evoke those perceptions then that can be a different story.

 

I've just gotten over a few sharp rejections - and in each case I was getting mixed signals, or I thought I was. These guys like me and want to hang out with me often, but it is not a romantic or sexual interest. I was mistaking affection for something more, and in that case, it can be said to be entirely my fault. My friends would tell me that the signals were definitely mixed because when I would be telling the story from my perception (I wanted to see things that weren't there - so of course it looked like they were leading me on).

 

I'm over it now. I just ignore anything that looks like something I might want to see. I remind myself daily that regardless of what they say or do, they don't like me that way. I am at the point now where I actually believe it and have put my false hope and wishful thinking firmly out to pasture.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say - in the case of unrequited love, the only person you can control and take responsibility for is yourself. You can either let yourself suffer by exposing yourself to their behaviors and torturing yourself by trying to figure out if they like you and are hiding it in some way, or you can ignore them and tell yourself that it means nothing and you can go about your day.