EddiesMaMa Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 how are marital separations supposed to help heal the marriage? my husband has decided to move out. the arrangement is only temporary but i can't help but be worried that we're heading to a permanent dissolution of marriage. i guess i'm looking at it the glass half-empty. but you probably would too if you are in my situation. see, my husband has another woman. he's been seeing her since middle of last year and i only discovered it when the affair was running six months. i tried to save what's left of my marriage after that. i am still trying, but it has been very hard. the month i found out, my husband stayed with me for the next three-four months, trying to decide what to do with his life. most days, our marriage felt very much different, sometimes better...only there was this thing we have to deal with --- the affair. we have at least one major fight each month that he stayed. staying with me but keeping her around was taking its toll. forcing an NC with the OW only made our situation worse, as i also believe addicts are supposed to do this of their will. so, we have decided to take a break and he moved out with a friend (male) far away from myself and the OW. he moved out three days ago. and i am trying to cope with the sadness. a month before the planned move, i noticed H sort of "laying low" with the OW and reducing contact with her and putting more focus on us. there was even one weekend where he turned off all means of communication with her (cellphone/IM) but did not wish to tell me the reason why. he even bought us a puppy to raise together, so i though maybe he does want to stay. i thought that this was it, he was going to change his mind and not move out. only, i still catch a few "i love you" messages on his cellphone and IM now and then. two days before he moved, H and i had a sincere conversation where i got the impression that he does realize the weight of what his bad choice has done for our marriage. i thought he never got that. for a moment there, i saw hope in the fog of the affair lifting. he then tells me that this move was for him to "find himself" and "work on himself" first. is that codespeak? like he is breaking it to me gently? from the start my husband has sort of been conditioning his mind that this separation must be treated as just being away on business, or a vacation he has to take on his own. And he's been telling me to look at it the same way. he also mentioned that we both need this separation because he sees this as one way of saving the marriage. he wants to find out why a lot of his married friends who also were separated from their wives because of an affair (he is surrounded by peers like this!) all came back to their wives three-four months later. he also mentioned that things with the OW doesn't seem to be promising at all, and we both knew that from the get go (right after i found out i had been aware of the OW's situation). lately, he says, they have been fighting a lot more than we were, like a role reversal or something. i am not sure if he's saying that to reassure me or keep me hoping. the day he left, i refused to be there to see him leave and asked that i be out of the house. he obliged and then later called me on my cellphone crying as he was about to leave the house, fearing for what his future will be. my husband loves security of comfort and he is giving that up for this. he also asked if i'm still angry at him. i couldn't reply behind the tears so after we spoke i sent him a text message telling him that i no longer harbor any anger, it should help him move on. i also told him i love him, which was true. he replied back and said he loves me too. he hasn't said those words to me since january, when i discovered the indiscretion. my husband's affair was more emotional than physical (though it was both) and it had a lot of ego-stroking....something which i have failed to do already, being married to him for a long time (13 years). i do think he has feelings for her, but feelings can change and i don't think his love for her is deep enough. the affair is more about him, not me or her. in fact, my husband said that because of his line of work (advertising/entertainment industry) and the people that he hangs around him, it made him value marriage less; that he was too weak to fight off the temptation. for the first time, as i have told him many times before when he was feeling that the OW was his perfect soulmate, he finally saw that he could've had an affair with any other girl, not particularly the OW. my question now is....do you see any hope for us? inspite of the OW being there in his mind still? do i give him the space? do i communicate with him less...so he can think? or, knowing how much my H constantly needs to feel love and appreciated, do I initiate a chase, even if he is also interested in the OW? what should I avoid so that we don't drift apart during the separation? what more can I do to help him lift the fog? right now, as it's been only three days, we have an arrangement to meet once a week. i'm just so afraid that we could drift apart and that once a week would turn to once a month, to never. now that he isn't in the house, i also fear that their relationship could improve. in other words, his soul searching could go either way. i really want him back. but like he said, he wants to return for the right reasons and not just because he and the OW fought, or he's just feeling lonely or what. thoughts? can this still be saved?
hopesndreams Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 I'm so sorry you have been going through this for so long. He really has been stringing you along, big time, for his own selfish reasons of not having his plans firmly in place, with the OW, and because of this he has been torturing you by not leaving you and letting you get on with a new life. He has given you false hope and promises. He has no intention of following through with a reconciliation, sorry to say. Our stories are similar. Have a read through my thread that I started in early February. Stop the competition with the OW. You are his wife, there should not be a competition and your husband should not have put you in that position. It is such a cruel thing he is doing to you and it won't go unpunished by God. You can put a stop to this. Tell him it's over, you are done...that would be your first step to getting your self-esteem and self-respect back. He has stolen those things from you.
Author EddiesMaMa Posted April 26, 2009 Author Posted April 26, 2009 thank you for your reply, hopesandreams. i'll read through your old threads and see where our situation is similar. we have discussed the fact that i felt being stringed along or that he's being selfish and my H does own up to this. it's one of the reasons why he pursued moving out even if there was some hesitation on his part. he says he can't bear seeing the effects of what he's done to me. is that guilt or running away from responsibility? then of course, i know there isn't true remorse there yet. the OW is still there. i just talked to him on the phone today and according to him, a lot can happen in the future. he doesn't even know what is going to happen in a month, let alone the next week. he's still confused, obviously. i am taking baby steps and it is really hard.
anne1707 Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 he also mentioned that things with the OW doesn't seem to be promising at all So whilst things are not promising with the OW, he keeps you in the background as his safety net, so that he has somewhere to go however it works out. And you are letting him do this! If he wants to be with you then everything must end with the OW. If he still wants to see the OW then tell him your marriage is over. All he is doing is looking after himself with no consideration of your feelings. Sorry but whilst he has moved out, you can be sure he is in contact with the OW. Stop letting him fool you - he is not the only one in the affair fog at the moment. Please look after yourself first and foremost.
Author EddiesMaMa Posted April 26, 2009 Author Posted April 26, 2009 thanks anne. i don't deny i'm also in the fog. and he may have been gaslighting me so much. So whilst things are not promising with the OW, he keeps you in the background as his safety net, so that he has somewhere to go however it works out. i have asked him the same question before and i have asked him the question again recently. he says i know the answer to that. he couldn't say the words but yeah, i know... he is into her. i've been reading up on the other threads and have seen one reply that says that while the H is still with the OW, nothing i do can change anything, his feelings for me, for her, for the situation. as long as she's there, this marriage is doomed then, huh? a few hours ago, he sent me an email photo of his new pad. and then says something like he likes the cabinets and shelves and wonders if we can have something like it built in our room. i don't understand that....he's still thinking of building a life with me? or is just saying stuff matter of factly and i read too much into it. i am actually working on taking care of myself. but, as this is still very new and fresh, i'm coping with a lot of difficulty.
hopesndreams Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 my husband said that because of his line of work (advertising/entertainment industry) and the people that he hangs around him, it made him value marriage less; that he was too weak to fight off the temptation. The only way he would stop seeing the OW is if she were to dump him, then he would go back to you. Would you think you won the prize then (booby prize) if that happened? He's already made it clear with what is above that it would only happen again with whoever else gave him a wink. i just talked to him on the phone today and according to him, a lot can happen in the future. he doesn't even know what is going to happen in a month, let alone the next week. he's still confused, obviously. Aww, poor guy is confused and you are helping him get over his confusion by playing right into his hands. He knows you'll be there for him whatever the outcome, he has you in his corner and is making you believe that he actually cares about the h*ll you are going through. You want him back and whatever the price you will pay it. True love and devotion on your part but it is one-sided. He's not the only one confused, you are as well but it's all about him and his needs and wants and you are put on the back burner and treated like a doormat. Give him a wake-up call! Tell him it's over and you, as his wife, will not be used and eventually thrown away as if you were garbage. Only then will his eyes get opened to what is really happening and be forced to make a decision and do not take him back if he decides it is you he wants after all unless he crawls through broken glass to make amends. If you don't do something and you both get back together, you are only setting yourself up for this to happen again with the same OW or the one to replace her.
delajoonal Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 eddiesmama i am not sure about the responses, as i have not read them yet...mostly everyone here is right on spot, BUT you have to also follow your own heart and gut. i must say the number of people popping with this eXAct same situation ALL have been married for 13 years, including myself...used to be a lucky number for me..not so sure anymore:eek: anyway, GIVE HIM HIS SPACE...i had to do this same thing and i am still doing it... my dh had a 3 week online EA, OW broke it off..that was 6 weeks ago. we are 2 months down the road, he still wants a divorce. we are now at a point where we can communicate without spewing the F word every other sentence, etc.... sad really, we are actually getting along like we did when we were first married...LIKE YOU SAID you and your H had been doing. my dh says, 'he wants to be alone, does NOT want to be married, and IT is not me personally, he just doesn't want to do IT anymore..' may i add my dh has a horrible computer addiction...(another time) as you had mentioned an addiction in your original post??? anyway, after all that rambling..LOL i am saying everyone here said Give him his space, NC completely.. you know that old saying, "if you love something set it free..if it comes back it was meant to be" well, i firmly believe that..i know you are worried about him spending all that extra time with OW now...but you can't torture yourself like that.. do you have kids? get more involved during the day hours with their school, volunteer, etc...i know it sounds like i am saying this is the easierst thing to do..Believe ME, IT IS NOT..i am going through H***! i am stilll very much in love with my dh, so i have to let him go... even tho i believe fully in the covenant of our marriage, i have NO right to keep anyone from their own free will in life.. i know everyone here will say to me, don't put too much hope into him coming back...BUT, i do , and i pray, and IF he does not, then God has another plan for me....as the same for you;) please keep posting AND reading, you will find everyone is absolutely amazing here and also the stories and lives we all share are incredibly the same... anyway...bottom line, give him his space, meanwhile, as HARD as it is, TRY to get on with YOUR LIFE, one day or one hour at a time... it will be difficult, but you have to keep busy and like everyone has been telling me, try to find yourself again... sometimes we have to go back to the beginning, we get lost in our marriages and husbands/wives and lose who we were when we came into the relationship...go back 13 years...what did you do then? what were you like? have you become too dependant on H's time, etc... these are ALL things i am doing, and taking a look at myself and the last 13 years and where i began in this marriage as well... i am here everyday..you can always email me, as our stories are so much alike, it is very weird.. keep us posted and take care, OK:cool:
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