Riffmeister General Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Can tell it's been a while since I was on here cos I don't recognise many names anymore! Well, must have been January or early Feb for my last post (the back-story is on here somewhere), and I come back here because I've had what people on here warned me about and I had always hoped wouldn't happen. A complete and utter breakdown. I came back to the UK beginning of April and although it was a bit tough to begin with (knowing I'm back in the same country as her; don't know why but that's what I thought) I got on with things. Seen my mates again, had some good nights out, but because I'm unemployed I'm bored a lot of the time, and I think that began to nibble away at me. Without my mind distracted elsewhere, which it certainly was in Whistler, it's seemed to gravitate to thinking about 'her' again, almost by default. Annoying, but I could deal. Anyway, I knew I needed to drop some things off to her work (stuff she left behind; I know I didn't HAVE to, but I just wanted it gone). I emailed her a one liner saying I was in the area, I'd drop it off at reception. Was surprised to get a bright and breezy reply asking how I was, how Canada had been (well, you ruined that d*ckhead, how do you THINK it was?) smiley faces and all that, like we were supposed to be mates again! I was pretty fu*ked off, to be honest. Didn't reply. I did the drop anyway, and got another email saying thanks. Since then, I've been in pieces. It feels like she broke up with me yesterday. I happened across her MSN update today on my homepage (quickly deleted) with a pic of her and the d*ck she left me for, which wouldn't have bothered me much a month ago (weird how you see these things only when you're at your most vulnerable!), but it completely bummed me out when I was supposed to be doing my guitar college application. All I can think is how happy they must be together, and how lonely I am. I know if I had met someone, none of this would bother me, it's me missing having that with someone, not missing her. I hate the fact that she inflicted this pain on me and has NO consequences for herself except to be happy. Life can seem desperately unfair sometimes. Worse because I don't even have hope, and as I've said before, never take away someone's hope, it might be all they have left. Maybe I hoped me coming back would shake things up (after all, she claimed things would have been different if I'd stayed in the UK) and since it clearly hasn't, I guess that's got to me. I dunno, I just needed to go somewhere and have a rant. I'm a good hour and a half from my closest mates, no job (looking hard, but the economy... sheesh!) and no hope of things changing any time soon. One thing I have learned is I'm NEVER gonna inflict this kind of pain on any girl (consciously, at any rate). No-one deserves this.
steve38 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Hang in there. You just got too much time on your hands now. Focus on yourself and stay busy. This might not be relevant, but what got me through a lot of bad times was reminding myself that many others have been through the same thing and came out better than before. Things WILL get better.
Sonic_chaos Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 its quite amazing how much seeing that name or picture can make that much difference. Im in a very similar position to you job wise and also relationship wise, Altho my ex didnt leave me for another guy. It is still hurting just as much.. I wouldnt say im close to a break down, as i am quite a strong person that way, but it helps loads i find talkin about it. *as daft as it sounds* and also trying to keep myself busy. Excerising is a real good one as you probably already know and i also find reading is good. takes my mind of other things.. I am slipping into bad habits tho, getting up late and going to bed late, not really eating at dinner. im also finding that im wishing days away. Just to try speed up the healing process's of mine as much as possible. Its not working tho. And all im doing is wishing days away because im not enjoying them as much as i was before when i was with her. It will get better. Im lookin at all jobs. Just not my field and even part time work to take my mind off it. and if i can get that, i'll eventually might try volantry work. Got to be better the staring at the same 4 ruddy walls!
loser101 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I'm sorry you are having a relapse but you are right, the instability of your current situation has a lot to do with it. You are settling back in the UK, you have to find a job, catching up with your mates but some connections need to be re-established.... then you see one big gaping hole. I just got back in the UK as well after travelling for over a year. My advice to you is to take a volunteer's job, just have a look on gumtree for example. There are plenty of people that need help. This will do two things: to occupy your mind and to allow you to do something useful for someone else so you will get a little positive feedback from that. try to do something that gives you direct contact with people or animals, believe me, that would help you so much.
Author Riffmeister General Posted April 26, 2009 Author Posted April 26, 2009 Thanks for the support folks. Sonic chaos - Of course you're right. One thing I discovered while I was away was that I was dependent on her while I was there, being away from my friends and all that, but once I got my act together and started doing things, I would go days without thinking about it. Now I'm back to not doing anything, I miss her company again (at least the regular video calls and emails). I do exercise a lot (always have) and it does wonders for self-esteem, but even doing that reminds me of her cos the thought of her used to motivate me. Generally I'm pretty strong, to the point I can seem uncaring sometimes, and the recovery was pretty quick to begin with, but this has all hit me at the wrong time. Should never have contacted her really, cos I think my hotmail has picked up on the fact we've been emailing and now keeps giving me her updates! Steve38 - I think that was the biggest thing for me coming on here, to see that I wasn't alone, and I think I need to be reminded of that right now. Never felt this lonely. Loser101 - Nail on head about the gaping hole. It's not been noticeable in Canada as I had a lot of people around me and I was busy, but being back here is hard. I've got plenty to do in reality, but no motivation because I'm so depressed. BIG mistake getting back in contact with her, even if it was just to let her know I'd be dropping her stuff off. I think I was subconsciously hoping it would shake things up, but of course it never would have. Think things will get infinitely better when the band re-unites. The vocalist isn't around due to coursework, but 2 weeks time it'll be back to business. Nothing like a gig to get the adrenaline pumping.
loser101 Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 Thanks for the support folks. Think things will get infinitely better when the band re-unites. The vocalist isn't around due to coursework, but 2 weeks time it'll be back to business. Nothing like a gig to get the adrenaline pumping. I can imagine, I forgot about your band. sounds good, I'm 100% sure you will feel better in a few days with all this going on.
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