Some issues with my own feelings.

[bigdave]

This is going to be lengthy with background material. If you would care to at least skim through it, I would be ever so grateful!

 

I'm in a new relationship a girl. For the purpose of this thread, let's call her Emma. I'm 21, and she's just a few months younger at 20. We are both in university.

Emma and I met a bit over two years ago, when she was dating a guy I was friends with at the time. They broke up over a few issues he was making, and he moved far away when he finished at university. Around the time they broke up, I started dating one of Emma's friends. We were in a relationship for a year, before we broke up last Summer. Emma got into another relationship in this time, and once again became single around last December. Basically, one of us was always involved with someone until last December.

 

Me and Emma hit it off as friends instantly when we first met. We had great fun watching films, going out to the city, going to the pub and suchlike. I often hung out in groups of three or more with her. I admit, I was attracted to her when I first met her. She's beautiful, kind and she makes people feel good. I put this attraction to the back of my mind though, as she was dating a man who was at the time a good friend of mine.

 

I kind of forgot all about this attraction until we started hanging out alone last autumn. We would hang around together, and we were always very close and trusting. We shared numerous secrets and bits of personal info about our lives together. Our friendship began to intensify somewhat until I realised I was attracted to her.

 

Anyway, sometime early in March, she had a sort-of one night stand with some guy we know. I was hanging at hers while she told me about it all, and I was feeling pretty damn jealous of this guy. So I told her an hour or so later that I liked her. She was taken aback, not quite sure what to think or say. But she didn't seem altogether disinterested. She said she wondered what could have happened if circumstances were different (probably referring to her living with my ex-girlfriend, which she thought would complicate things - My ex doesn't care, so it didn't.) Anyway, she trusted me enough that night to have me sleep in her bed that night. We spooned and I knew that I had feelings for her. She seemed to be very comfortable.

 

Two weeks later, we're both getting on with university work a continuing with our lives. One weekend we go out to the pub, and in this time we continue our familiar discussions about past relationships and sex that we've had before. We go back to hers, just a little tipsy and put on some music.

 

In this time I think "**** it. I'm going to make a move." Sitting on her bed, I grab her and pull her into my lap. As she landed in my lap, she knew what was going on, and she stared at my mouth as if she wanted to kiss me. So I kissed her, and we ended up sleeping together again - this time as a little more than friends.

 

A few days later, we're spending time together. She brings up "So about the weekend..." I tell her that I liked her, and that I'd like to take things forward, but we need to be careful and slow. Over the next few days, there's a few things going on. We hang out, we get sexual a couple of times. It's weird, but very nice. She almost stops seeing me because she was feeling a little scared and apprehensive, but she decides that she likes me too much to do that.

 

So one week on from that night where we got together, I had to go home and visit my family for a week. In that time, we talk on the phone each day, and my feelings start intensifying. About five days in, there was a day and a half where she wasn't returning calls. I felt emotional and upset. I cried a couple of times and waited by my mobile all day, getting excited and then disappointed every time I got a text that wasn't from her. This was not typical behaviour for me; I am normally more reserved and sensible, but I couldn't get the girl out of my head. I realised at this point that I was besotted with her. I hadn't moved as careful and slow as I'd hoped.

 

I met her in the city the next day as I was returning back to university, and we had a lovely time. Our relationship continued and I was on a high. This high continued until about a month into the relationship.

 

One day, while walking to see her, I feel a twinge of anxiety in my stomach. I felt worried, and a little depressed. I wasn't feeling "crazy in love" any more. Fair enough, right? it has to end eventually. But so soon? A month into the relationship? Could this all have been a mistake?

So, with her that night I discussed a few of these issues that worried me, because I'm big on the "talking problems out" way of dealing with things. I told her about how I was feeling. I don't think she was altogether happy with it (no surprise) but she told me to not worry and just enjoy what we have.The next ten days or so (to today) I keep going in cycles of "Everything's fine" to worrying and wondering if us dating is a good idea.

 

A few days ago, I told her about my worries again, and she started crying a little. I felt like utter ****. I was crying a couple of days ago about this issue. I was just unsure. Unsure if I was doing the right thing. My Dad persuaded me to calm down and go see her to apologise for worrying her. My parents said that I clearly do care for her if I'm crying about her and about the remote possibility of hurting her badly. I went and brought her flowers. We only spent an hour or so together because she's so busy, but during this time I started feeling good around her. I wasn't guilty. I felt great the next day, but last night, I felt bad yet again.

 

I like her a lot and trust her too, and I can safely say I'm lucky to have someone like her in my life. But there's just this nagging feeling that waxes and wanes that tells me that it won't last, and that I shouldn't bother. It's so early in the relationship, but I really just want to chill out, relax, and enjoy the times we share, but my anxiety keeps butting in, making me feel horrible and guilty for not being all crazy in love like I was a couple of weeks ago.

 

I know I care. I know I have feelings for her. Heh, I even had a dream a couple of nights ago where this guy kept hitting on her and stuff while we were at this big table eating dinner with lots of people. I was getting really angry at the guy and told him to back off from my girlfriend.

 

I don't want to break up with her just because of this one doubt. I remember around 2 1/2 years ago, I was dating a girl for a month and I felt like this. Like I was just leading her on. So I broke up with her. The next few days were so depressing until I managed to get her back. I was happy after that until we broke up due to unrelated reasons.

 

So here's a few questions.

Is this just the honeymoon ending? I remember being a bit like this when the honeymoon ended with my most recent ex

How can I just enjoy the times we have rather than worrying for the future?

Have any of you suffered this kind of feeling? How was it resolved?

 

Feel free to ask for clarifications.

[carhill]

Is this just the honeymoon ending? I remember being a bit like this when the honeymoon ended with my most recent ex

 

The honeymoon period in a serious LTR usually lasts a few years. At your age, perhaps less. You're just dating, at least IMO from the description you've provided. Tell me about the dinners you've had with her family. Yes, good example of the differences....

 

How can I just enjoy the times we have rather than worrying for the future?

 

You'll have to change your perspective about what a dating partner/girlfriend means to you. She can become a fun, interesting and passionate *part* of your life. If she's consuming it (not by her actions but in your mind), then you have to take a hard look at yourself. It's not a function of age, rather personality and mindset. I still fight that battle and you're young enough to be my son.

 

Have any of you suffered this kind of feeling? How was it resolved?

 

For me, those feelings, with age and experience, have become balanced by intellect and knowledge of my response patterns. I can see the emotional response and compare to what I know from experience is healthy and decide whether the behaviors which might result from that emotion are healthy for me or my partner. Such perspective doesn't happen overnight. For me, it's taken many years. For you, hopefully less.

 

The best way to learn is to live. Since you like talking things out, with the right partner, you can work through a lot of this stuff. If she supports you but challenges those feelings and behaviors, you can progress as a team.

 

Good luck!

[bigdave]

The honeymoon period in a serious LTR usually lasts a few years. At your age, perhaps less. You're just dating, at least IMO from the description you've provided. Tell me about the dinners you've had with her family. Yes, good example of the differences....

Yeah. That concerns me that it feels like the honeymoon might be over so soon. Then again, we've been good friends for more than two years now, so perhaps that could make it short? It's possible.

I'm yet to meet her family, they live in a foreign country. She has met mine though and she's the first girlfriend I've had that both of my parents have adored.

 

You'll have to change your perspective about what a dating partner/girlfriend means to you. She can become a fun, interesting and passionate *part* of your life. If she's consuming it (not by her actions but in your mind), then you have to take a hard look at yourself. It's not a function of age, rather personality and mindset. I still fight that battle and you're young enough to be my son.

You are right. In the past, my relationships moved to all-consuming love/infatuation very, very quickly. Exciting and firey, but not the wisest way to begin a relationship. I'm still needing to adjust to being calm and cool with a girl I am involved with.

[carhill]

One caution:

 

The feelings of ambivalence which you have are normal for your age. Expect her to feel exactly the same way. At your age, enjoying today and leaving tomorrow for itself is a healthy philosophy when it comes to dating and relationships. You'll both grow and change and likely will not endure. That can be a positive thing. Life's about memories and how we share ourselves with others.

 

Consciously remind yourself about that "calm and cool" part frequently. Also, enjoy your interactions with other young ladies. Broaden your horizons. This doesn't mean sexual activity but rather knowing women as people rather than as romantic prospects. It will hold you in good stead in your life

[bigdave]

One caution:

 

The feelings of ambivalence which you have are normal for your age. Expect her to feel exactly the same way.

I'm not sure if she's exactly ambivalent. She's telling me how much she likes me, and she was certainly seeming to get a lot of pleasure out of it when we were kissing yesterday. She's also talking about coming away with me when I travel abroad for a couple of weeks this summer.

[carhill]

Outsiders who have had the life experience can see the signs. I know I can. It's key to be honest with yourself and recognize the value of your emotions. Re-read your OP a couple of times. I hope others will chime in here. It's always healthy to get a diversity of opinion and perspective

[Mahatma]

Is this just the honeymoon ending? I remember being a bit like this when the honeymoon ended with my most recent ex

The honeymoon phase usually lasts a bit longer than that. You felt these feelings with your other girlfriend after 2 1/2 years... not a month. However, you have known this girl for a while, so take that into consideration. However, I knew the girl I am currently dating for 5 years before we started dating, and have been dating for 10 months now. That honeymoon feeling goes up and down, but it is still very much there.

 

How can I just enjoy the times we have rather than worrying for the future?

It is just that, just focus on the moment. Stop thinking about the past and the future. Think about the moment you are in at the time.

 

Have any of you suffered this kind of feeling? How was it resolved?

Yes. It is solved by knowing myself. I have always told myself that I must feel that feeling for at least a week before I will make a move on it. I know there are times where I am just in a bad mood or being affected by something else and I get the sort of feeling where I just want my space. I have never felt this way for more than a few hours with my current girlfriend, however.

 

From your post, you sound like an emotional person. I would say focus on your feelings and decide if you are being overly dramatic or not.

[carhill]

From your post, you sound like an emotional person. I would say focus on your feelings and decide if you are being overly dramatic or not.

As someone who is hypersensitive and often struggles with expressing emotions in an appropriate manner, I'll echo Mahatma's advice about reflecting on your own feelings and how they are presented to the world. That's been the most difficult work for me and why I had relationship problems in the past. My emotional style did not mesh with women's attraction styles. Hope that makes sense.

[bigdave]

I think I figured it out. I think my issue is fear of commitment. I've been reading for a few hours, and I found threads by people with very similar experiences to mine, and one phrase being thrown about is commitmentphobia. I've been doing a little reading, and it explains a lot.

 

My problems exist because I'm scared. I feel like this because I have somehow become scared. I feel fear and it's leading me to withdraw myself. I've been mistreated by ex-girlfriends who I loved, and it's my subconcious mind's response to withdraw out of fear once my rush of falling is over. Now I understand that, I guess my next step is to get over those issues. Maybe I'm just too young. I'm not sure. I'm just going to stick with this girl and see how it all pans out.

 

I think I understand where this all started. The honeymoon ended because this fear came along, and this fear came along around the same time we started talking about her coming to my holiday with me. This is a holiday I'd planned to do on my own for a while, and this probably sounds silly but letting someone in on something that I'd long planned to do myself feels like a pretty big commitment!