QWERTY Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Hi, I came out of the den last night (I guess unexpectedly) and briefly overheard my fiancee talking with her friend on the phone. I'm pretty sure she was talking to a friend of her's who is currently cheating on her boyfriend. My fiancee cheated on her ex-husband with a man 20 years her senior, but that was over 3 years ago and was before my time. She'd always spoken with a lot of regret about her cheating and shame about the man she had cheated with because she described her actions as desperate and him as a jerk. She's told me a little about the situation her cheating friend is now in, and said that she's been advising her friend about the unhappiness that comes from cheating. Anyway, when I walked out, I heard her say, "the sex with (the man she cheated with) was damn good!" I was passing by the kitchen and didn't want to eavesdrop so just kept walking, and later acted as if nothing happened. But since hearing that one sentence I've felt a real sadness. I don't know if it's jealousy, but I just feel this sadness that she would say something that sounded so positive about a man and a situation she's only ever said bad things to me about. And of course it's made me think about our sex life -- it's okay, but she's never said anything flattering to me about our sex life along those lines. For us it's always been more an expression of love, and that's the way she talks about it (e.g., "you make me feel so loved"). But now I'm wondering if she feels she's missing out in the sex department, if sex with him was more "damn good" then it is with me, etc. So I guess my question is -- am I right to be bothered by/sad about it? I don't think it's a major issue in terms of our relationship, but I do keep thinking about it. I think maybe I feel... disappointed?... that she put a pretty positive spin on what I thought she felt was an all-bad experience in her life, and that what she said is somehow disrespectful to our relationship. Even typing that makes me think it isn't right to feel that way, but I am pretty sure that I would never say something like that about someone from my past to one of my friends. So I guess I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling about it, if anything. Any thoughts?
seibert253 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 We men always want to be the "greatest" at everything, but sadly we're not. There always seems to be someone "better" at whatever task we're doing. This seems to run true in the bedroom department also, (unless you are the only one you're wife has experienced. Then you'll run into another set of issues down the road). No relationship, marriage included, survives without communication. Sit down and talk to your lady about what you overheard. Tell her how you feel about it, and ask her about your concerns. Trust me, if you were not getting the job done in the bedroom, she probably would not still be around. Talk about what she and you like when you're intimate, and try different things now and then. A little off topic here, but I'd be more concerned about her past infidelity. Seems that those who've cheated before, have a tendency to repeat past sins. If you've haven't spoke with her about this, and expressed your concern, I would. Good Luck
65tr6 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 My fiancee cheated on her ex-husband with a man 20 years her senior, but that was over 3 years ago and was before my time. She'd always spoken with a lot of regret about her cheating and shame about the man she had cheated with because she described her actions as desperate and him as a jerk. OP, talk to your fiancee and express your concerns. How did she leave her ex-husband ? Was she kicked out ? Did she even attempt to reconcile ? What lessons has she learnt from her previous affair ? What are her boundaries that will prevent this from happending with you ? What are YOU doing to affair proof your relationship, impending marriage with her ?
jwi71 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 OP- Affair sex is ALWAYS better. Always. It is often some of the "best sex". Variety of reasons...new partner, secrecy, its "forbidden", that danger aspect of being caught, the thrill of it....and on and on. Reality may be that this past lover is simply still viewed through the panes of that fantasy. The number one buzz-kill is REALITY...and affairs have very little reality...only the fantasy...which is what she remembers. I'm sure her sex with her xH was great...then reality interjected and it became more routine over time...both out of familiarity and because his imperfections came to light. Imperfections which somehow diminish the sex...I'm sure you get it... That's why A sex is FAR better than "normal" sex. Of course...maybe he WAS the best lay she ever had... Why don't you simply ASK her. No need to lie...just say "I was walking by and heard you say he was the best ever. What made it the best?" Simple. Direct. Honest.
Author QWERTY Posted April 26, 2009 Author Posted April 26, 2009 jwi71... thank you!!! Thank you for putting to words the feeling I've had for the last 3 years of our relationship.... that when it came to sex, there was something my partner experienced with this other man that was in a realm I couldn't compete with, simply because it was a forbidden, secret experience. I've always had that feeling...like while she knew it was better for her and on many levels she wanted to eat a healthy salad... but in the past she had tasted a greasy, unhealthy hamburger and some part of her enjoyed that taste very much. She's always very much encouraged and seemed to be satisfied by the romantic, loving nature of our sex life, even though I've experienced, and I know she's experienced, the more adventurous side of sex... the thrilling, exciting side. I was willing to give that up because the feelings I had for her were so much deeper, and I believed she felt the same, but I alway felt like there was a side of her, even if might be a small and unhealthy side, that missed the feelings she experienced before. Your words expressed that brilliantly -- that her affair, despite how she might choose to describe it, gave her a thrill that our safe and loving sex life can't hope to recreate. That perfectly describes a feeling I've had throughout our relationship, so thank you so much for articulating it. That being said, she actually brought her cheating friend up tonight, and I asked some probing questions (without saying what I heard) and she stuck to the party line of saying and implying that she regretted absolutely everything about her affair. I guess I wasn't really surprised -- it would have been pretty surprising to hear her say "despite all that, the sex really was pretty exciting", but I think the window for me to tell her what I heard may have closed. So -- any suggestions on what I should do next? I'm now feeling like in some ways I'm competing with someone who I know I can never compete with. I know she values me and our relationship very much, but I just feel like saying "I love you very much, but sorry I can't give you that thrill that (the guy she cheated with) did." Any ideas of what I'm supposed to do now that I know I'm not able to make her feel what she felt during her affair? Do I just tell myself that she's better off without it and that her comment didn't mean anything, or do I try and find some way to recreate the excitement she felt during that time in her life? How do you compete with a ghost from the past that you can't hope to compete with because the circumstances are totally different?
Heroic Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 Qwerty...let this one drop. Make your own memories. Blaze your own trails. If you want to take it up a notch don't use another man as your model. Tell her your interested in taking things to a new place and explore your shared sexuality together. I had this talk with my wife.....and WOW!
Ronni_W Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 Why don't you simply ASK her. No need to lie...just say "I was walking by and heard you say he was the best ever. What made it the best?" I agree with the simple, direct, honest approach. Except to not put words into her mouth. Original quote is "damn good" (not "best ever".) QWERTY, when she said/says things that you perceive as "implying that she regretted absolutely everything about her affair", perhaps she is/has always been referring to the mental-emotional aspects thereof? That is, perhaps it was only YOUR (hope-filled?) assumption that the sex was ALSO regrettable? If you now start thinking in terms of "she is implying" this or that, the underlying attitude more than likely will lead you down a path of distrust...even though she REALLY hasn't done anything to deserve that from you. If that makes sense? Crap happens and, as a result, we start to question our own sexual attractiveness and skills...I totally agree with Heroic to do your own thing to FEEL how you want to feel (and do what you want to do ) in the bedroom...er, with your fiancee.
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