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On the road to abstinence (did i spell it right?) been so long!

sugarmomma

By sugarmomma
in Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being

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sugarmomma Established Member

sugarmomma

Posted
Posted

I have reached a point in my life where I have had a few long term relationships 7yr, 4yrs, 6yrs and I don't seem to have a radar to choose heathy people. What I have found is that I attract wounded men with issues. I know that nobody is perfect but I also realized that I have so much work to do on myself. I just ended a 3 month relationship with a man that was already attached. Also I am ending a very verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive marriage (should be final in about a month).

 

Anywho, I realized after my marriage was over that I had repressed my emotions for so long (due to being in an abusive relationship in my teens) that there was no way I could love someone with a closed heart. And wouldn't you know, the first man I chose to open my heart to I fell in love with ----but he had someone. I am like WTF? I cannot continue to make these kinds of choices in men and I want to be heathy so I have decided to abstain. I have abstained in the past for a year after a bad breakup but it wasn't really a conscious choice.

 

I have set a goal for two years and in the meantime I will not use other people, shopping, food, gambling, to substitute dealing with the pain of not being in a relationship.

 

I guess my question is has anyone consciously decided to abstain and what was the process like? I really want to become a better person to attract a wonderful man.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Ask a monk or a nun how it feels!

 

Seriously, renunciation of bodily pleasures is wonderful, when you are doing it for the right motives.

 

Write a list of exactly why you are doing this.

See how logical they are.

Then assess whether it is the right thing for you to do.

Maybe it's not having a relationship that is wrong.

Perhaps it is your expectations.

NMBC1993 New Member

NMBC1993

Posted
Posted

I think you're doing the right thing. Recently I have found that no one really needs to be with someone or have sex to be happy. I spend time with my friends and just things that I enjoy to occupy my time. For example, I really like Disney, so I spend a lot of time there and that keeps me entertained and realizing that I can enjoy life without someone else dragging me down.

Enema Established Member

Enema

Posted
Posted
I really want to become a better person to attract a wonderful man.

 

How is this sentiment and abstinence connected?

shoesies05 Established Member

shoesies05

Posted
Posted

hmmm... i think you are on the right track in taking time for yourself. but- id say be loose about just how much time you are taking to improve youself. Then also really put a serious effort into it, AND dont let a frigen fantastic guy get away just because you havent hit your 2 yr. mark.

 

good luck!

  • 2 weeks later...
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sugarmomma Established Member

sugarmomma

Posted
  • Author
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How is this sentiment and abstinence connected?

 

 

I think they are connected because I can just work on myself as opposed to focusing my energy on a relationship. While being abstinent I am able to identify more clearly what I want and need from a relationship. In addition to what I can honestly contribute in terms of my own ability to be intimate and vulnerable. It has been hard and I am so use to using relationships to avoid the pain of being alone.

 

Also know that I have a history of picking the wrong kinds of men. Usually attract wounded, needy, unavailable or in a relationship (they do have jobs and no addictions). I also have a tendency to objectify men and that is not fair to anyone involved, especially me.

 

So I am aware that I am doing this partly because I want to really work on myself.

 

Almost 2 months and counting..

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sugarmomma Established Member

sugarmomma

Posted
  • Author
Posted
hmmm... i think you are on the right track in taking time for yourself. but- id say be loose about just how much time you are taking to improve youself. Then also really put a serious effort into it, AND dont let a frigen fantastic guy get away just because you havent hit your 2 yr. mark.

 

good luck!

 

If someone fantastico comes along and I feel healthy enough to try it, believe me I will not let a good one get by. I just want to be able to identify a good one.

 

I usually go for the good looking 6ft 200lb guys that may not have anything going in the way of substance or character. I really have to work on that.

 

Pray for me you guys!!!:bunny::bunny::bunny:

Saxis Established Member

Saxis

Posted
Posted

To all the abstainers out there - Thanks for nothing! :p

 

 

 

 

Being alone has many benefits, though. After going it solo for a while and then getting back into a relationship, there's a good chance you'll wish for your single days again. ;)

You'reasian Established Member

You'reasian

Posted
Posted
If someone fantastico comes along and I feel healthy enough to try it, believe me I will not let a good one get by. I just want to be able to identify a good one.

 

I usually go for the good looking 6ft 200lb guys that may not have anything going in the way of substance or character. I really have to work on that.

 

Pray for me you guys!!!:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

Ok, why resist what you like?

 

You tell yourself you'll be interested in a different kind of guy, but this is what interests you. Whose to say you'd be interested or compatable with someone of another body-type or set of characteristics - sure you can date around - but what you will find is that you come back to that base of what you like.

 

If you're attracted to 6' 200-lb simple guys - go with that theme.

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sugarmomma Established Member

sugarmomma

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I seem to be becoming a more mature caring person. As the old saying goes "we attract what we are". I've reached a point in my life where I want to become what is is that I want to attract.

 

It all makes since to me now why I have been picking the wrong men-I simply had no idea what I wanted or truly needed from a real relationship. Usually I pick someone with a good job, decent-looking and great in bed.

 

Now I seem to know more about myself and what I should look for in a man. Someone who is warmhearted, kind, respectful, understanding, emotionally mature, able to accept not getting his way, not easily prone to anger jealousy or the like.

 

I mean 5 years ago I couldn't tell you what I wanted. I'm just glad to feel as though I am finally growing up in the area of relationships.

 

At least once in my life I want to experience something real in terms of a connection with a man. Not the superficial, needy, codependent crap I've been through.

 

I am just taking it one day at a time. I look at my friends who are so miserable in relationships and I refuse to be in that position ever again.

  • Author
sugarmomma Established Member

sugarmomma

Posted
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To all the abstainers out there - Thanks for nothing! :p

 

 

 

 

Being alone has many benefits, though. After going it solo for a while and then getting back into a relationship, there's a good chance you'll wish for your single days again. ;)

 

 

That is why I will think long and hard before I make another committment. In the past I found myself making committments to a man moreso because it was what he wanted. Now I take more time to think about what I want to do.

 

I don't think I should go without dating throughout my process though. I've been thinking that its possible a great guy will ask me out. I am pretty fly!!:bunny::bunny:

  • 1 month later...
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sugarmomma Established Member

sugarmomma

Posted
  • Author
Posted

It has been 94 days and 2 hours. I really don't think about it as much. I have been on a couple dates though but no connection or anything. I have gone about a year before abstinent but I'm really doing it for me this time and more conscious of my decision. Before I think I did it just to keep myself from getting hurt.

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