lisa671 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Need your advice, I truly love my husband and he loves me but he doesn't reciprocate when I want to make love. It feels like I have to either make an appointment with him to have sex or wait til he's ready. Me, i like sex and like it at least 3 or 4 times a week. My husband only wants to make love once every two weeks because he says it would be more meaningful. We are both heading into our early 40's but I don't think that should be his excuse. I have to admit that he's not the best in bed or maybe that's the problem. I would like some advice on this topic. Please be honest, but not too brutal. Appreciate it.
What_is_love Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Well .. I can't say I have much experience with marriage or anything of the sort really but from reading your problem I think that what's lacking in your marriage is communication. Let him know what you want, without being aggressive, just casually bring in the subject and let him know how you feel about it. Sex is a very important part of any relationship and it's perfectly natural that you feel the urge to have sex with your husband not only 4 times a week but even more. Maybe he just needs a little reassurance & that's something you can definitely give him hope i helped!
mark982 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 as you said"he's not the best in bed",maybe he knows that,and figures "why try". you might just need to guide in in bed, see how you get workrd up. that could release the tiger you want(and trained by you)
Author lisa671 Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 I've tried to talk with him about it in a calm situation but he laughs it off as if it weren't an important topic to talk about. I've tried to even take the lead and slowly arouse him but he shows no reaction, no facial expressions or even sighs to tell me he's turned on. He's even told me at one pont that it seems like a chore to him. We've been married almost 3 years and I have been struggling with this for almost a year. I'm even considering leaving him. I hate to start over again but I would rather be with someone or someones who will listen to my needs and take me seriously and appreciate me. I know it sounds selfish but I do have needs and this is definitely one of them. We are both successful in our careers but seem to be on different paths.
65tr6 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I'm even considering leaving him. I hate to start over again but I would rather be with someone or someones who will listen to my needs and take me seriously and appreciate me. Do you have any kids ? How would you rate your marriage otherwise ?
Author lisa671 Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 We do not have any kids together. But we do have my 15 yr old daughter. We do get along fine when we do not talk personal or intimate. I tell him that we are like business partners and not a loving couple who would do anything for eachother. When I tell him that maybe we should go our separate ways, he just confirms or says something snide like maybe we should. Then later he would turn into a loving person. I guess I am confused with his actions. I feel that when I am loving with him or trying to get close i.e. holding his hand, touching him when we are watching TV sitting on the couch hoping to get him in the mood to want to be intimate it goes unnoticed. He tells me he loves to touched but his inactions and lack of expression of emotion screams so loudly at me.
kakui215 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I've tried to talk with him about it in a calm situation but he laughs it off as if it weren't an important topic to talk about. I've tried to even take the lead and slowly arouse him but he shows no reaction, no facial expressions or even sighs to tell me he's turned on. He's even told me at one pont that it seems like a chore to him. We've been married almost 3 years and I have been struggling with this for almost a year. I'm even considering leaving him. I hate to start over again but I would rather be with someone or someones who will listen to my needs and take me seriously and appreciate me. I know it sounds selfish but I do have needs and this is definitely one of them. We are both successful in our careers but seem to be on different paths. You need to tell him clearly that this is an important topic FOR YOU to address, and that that must be reason enough FOR HIM to consider it important as well. If one partner thinks there is a problem in a relationship, then there is a problem -- and the existence of that problem doesn't depend on the other partner thinking there should not be a problem. It's there, and both of you need to deal with it -- not just you, but BOTH of you -- HIM TOO! Be clear that if he refuses to address the issue, if he doesn't even try to examine the cause (or causes) of this problem is, if he doesn't work with you to remedy it, he is putting your marriage in danger. You have needs. He has needs. Neither of you can ignore the other's just because they don't seem important to you personally.
PandorasBox Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 "We get along fine when we do not talk personal or intimate." That's not a healthy marital relationship. If anything is avoidance. "When I tell him that maybe we should go our separate ways, he jsut confirms or says something snide, like maybe we should." Call his bluff then, and tell him you've talked to a lawyer because you don't know what else to do and can't be in this marriage by yourself anymore. Of course you would really have to do this , or he would never take you seriously, if you just told him that but never followed through. I would only do this as a last resort when all other things have been tried though. My question to you is, when exactly did you notice he starting to act this way with you? If he has NOT always been this way, and this is NOT the same person you married, then something has caused this change within him.
Author lisa671 Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 To PandorasBox, I have threatened to leave, to move into another room and even to move out. He always comes to me and we do talk, however it is so frustrating. Most of the feedback here I have received are all hitting my problems on the dot. And when I say frustrating, we talk about the problem but he doesn't fight for me. The last time I treatened to leave and actually did go look for apartments, we talked and I told him that I want him to fight for me, fight for me to stay, and show me something, some sort of emotion. All he knows is to hug, kiss and squeeze, other than that, no intimacy until I complain that we don't do it at all. I am seriously thinking of leaving him, he will be on a weeks trip next week and I really need to think long and hard whether I'm being selfish about my needs, if its worth the sacrifice to stay and be unhappy, or whether to just make a point and see if he really does love me.
Author lisa671 Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 To Kakui215, I have tried and I am thinking about leaving him as I had stated to PandorasBox. I do try to talk with him but all he does is tell me that I'm the problem and that I'm "grumpy" all the time. I tell him honestly and openly and have asked him if he ever notices how happy I am with him after we make love. Of course, he says YES. I further ask him doesn't he think that if he is more intimate with me doesn't he think I would be less grump? Does that make sense. To answer your question about when this all first started: My husband whom I do love told me that "life" has happened and smiled. I know that he is faithful to me but I am afraid that I would be the unfaithful one and therefore would prefer to go our separate ways than to cause additional drama with our marriage. Any advice about this?
PandorasBox Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 To PandorasBox, I have threatened to leave, to move into another room and even to move out. He always comes to me and we do talk, however it is so frustrating. Most of the feedback here I have received are all hitting my problems on the dot. And when I say frustrating, we talk about the problem but he doesn't fight for me. The last time I treatened to leave and actually did go look for apartments, we talked and I told him that I want him to fight for me, fight for me to stay, and show me something, some sort of emotion. All he knows is to hug, kiss and squeeze, other than that, no intimacy until I complain that we don't do it at all. I am seriously thinking of leaving him, he will be on a weeks trip next week and I really need to think long and hard whether I'm being selfish about my needs, if its worth the sacrifice to stay and be unhappy, or whether to just make a point and see if he really does love me. I don't think you're being selfish. But I will say, you very well maybe have to really leave. No more threats of going to, etc, because maybe that is part of where his actions are coming from, perhaps he feels you're just blowing in the wind. The part about the fact he wont fight for you or the marriage, bothers me. It almost sounds as if he has given up or doesn't really care. This week trip he is going on, does he travel alot? How is when he returns from these trips?
blair08 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 To Kakui215, I have tried and I am thinking about leaving him as I had stated to PandorasBox. I do try to talk with him but all he does is tell me that I'm the problem and that I'm "grumpy" all the time. I tell him honestly and openly and have asked him if he ever notices how happy I am with him after we make love. Of course, he says YES. I further ask him doesn't he think that if he is more intimate with me doesn't he think I would be less grump? Does that make sense. To answer your question about when this all first started: My husband whom I do love told me that "life" has happened and smiled. I know that he is faithful to me but I am afraid that I would be the unfaithful one and therefore would prefer to go our separate ways than to cause additional drama with our marriage. Any advice about this? "life" has happened? Did he explain what he meant by that exactly? Did you ask for a further explanation on that? Is he going through a mid-"LIFE" crisis? Also, you said you KNOW he is faithful to you. How do you KNOW this for sure? Unless he is suffering from some kind of medical issue or depression, something doesn't sound right to me. Its possible to that HE does want out of the marriage when he makes the remarks about "maybe we should go our separate ways." Sometimes there are people who do want out of a situation but don't know how to go about it, so if they can make the other person feel miserable enough, then perhaps that spouse will end things, then that way the guilt or burden of ending something doesn't fall so hard on the who really wants out. I'm not saying HE does for sure. But he sure doesn't sound like he wants to put much effort into at least trying to make things better.
Montclair0011 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Lisa - Just my two cents here as a casualty of a failed marriage -- I agree with the poster(s) above who commented on the lack of communication. If you really want to save your marriage, than threatening to leave or leaving will not likely do much more than create lots of dramarama and promises not kept and disappointment. I totally get your feelings and think you are right to want to leave a marriage where you don't feel love and lack intimacy. But, there is something seriously wrong with your husband and right now he's not willing to share what that is with you. You need to know what that is before deciding on a drastic source of action. Your approach is probably causing him to shut down even more, although drastic action may get him to act a bit more like he thinks you want because he's afraid to loose you. It's not likely to provide lasting change because the underlying issues have not been resolved. The best approach would be to go to a GOOD MC and have them help sort it out in a neutral, probing fashion. You need 3rd party intervention. If your husband won't go than I say, bag the marriage and move on. At least give it a shot.
carhill Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Perhaps your husband has unmet emotional needs that he does not know how to or will not communicate to you and instead withdraws sexually. I do try to talk with him but all he does is tell me that I'm the problem and that I'm "grumpy" all the time. I tell him honestly and openly and have asked him if he ever notices how happy I am with him after we make love. Of course, he says YES.Expand upon this. Why are you happy with him after you make love, rather than before? You might have identified your work. A healthy M takes two partners owning their responsibility. You're here asking for help. What do you think your responsibility is? Have either of you had a life-altering event happen recently, like in the past couple years? Death, serious illness, emotional trauma, etc.... If yes, tell us about that.
bluechocolate Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 What was your sex life like before the marriage (assuming you had one, of course) ? I know it sounds selfish but I do have needs and this is definitely one of them. It doesn't sound selfish because it isn't. I'd second Montclair's suggestion that you both start seeing a marriage counselor ASAP. This is not an issue you can sort out on your own & he seems reluctant to engage with the topic in a meaningful way. A counselor should be able to facilitate that. In the meantime I think you should stop asking for or expecting sex from him. Don't mention it & don't try to instigate it.
JackJack Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I agree about the MC thing. Suggest that to him. He may go he may not. Of course if HE feels there is no real problem, then he may not go anyway, but its worth a shot to see. For whatever reason, he has disconnected himself from you and the marriage. I would get to the bottom of finding out what that might be. It sounds like you've done quite a bit of talking or trying to, and you should continue, BUT I would lay low with talking so much on things, as far as questioning him about things and trying to get him to open up. Just keep your eyes and ears open and see if there is anything else you might can pick up on, for why he is acting this way. I bet if you look/listen really carefully, you might find out what could be.
Juniper22 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 When you all have talked...have you ever asked him if there was something YOU were doing or not doing that might be a contributing factor towards the way he is acting? I'm not saying you have done something for sure, I'm just trying to see if maybe you had asked him this question. Maybe you have done or not done something that bothered him and caused him to kind of shut off his emotions? Maybe he felt he couldn't tell you what that is etc. Just trying to weed things out here that's all, because you want to look at the whole picture here. You said he is going out of town for a week. I'm assuming this is on like a business trip? How often does he go out of town? Have you ever made the suggestion of going with him? Like a little mini vacation? Tell him you'd love to come along and maybe you all could go out on the town together when he had free time from doing whatever he does?
sugarmomma Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I hear that for a lot of men, they can stay in a bad relationship for years and it not really bother them. Ihave never experienced a man losing his desire for sex but I can imagine how that would chip away at your self esteem. I could never stay in a relationship where I felt undesirable sexually. I hope this works out for you but like other posters have said, if you decide to leave make sure you have tried everything else, i.e. talking, counseling, finding out if there is someone else.
clintsgirl Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I've tried to talk with him about it in a calm situation but he laughs it off as if it weren't an important topic to talk about. I've tried to even take the lead and slowly arouse him but he shows no reaction, no facial expressions or even sighs to tell me he's turned on. He's even told me at one pont that it seems like a chore to him. We've been married almost 3 years and I have been struggling with this for almost a year. I'm even considering leaving him. I hate to start over again but I would rather be with someone or someones who will listen to my needs and take me seriously and appreciate me. I know it sounds selfish but I do have needs and this is definitely one of them. We are both successful in our careers but seem to be on different paths. I totally understand what you are going through lisa.. I'm sorry we are in the same boat, unfortunatly mine has gotten worse, it got to once every week , now if im lucky its once a month. Mine has a ton of excuses (which he calls reasons). I am also thinking about leaving, and i'm told also that i am selfish. how are the men not being selfish, by not listening to our needs and wants. when you first got together were you satisfied w/ your sex life?
Author lisa671 Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 Everyone is so helpful with my situation and I am grateful to know that there is a consensus to work things out before the last straw is pulled. I've read all of your postings and all agree to work things out, try not to be pushy, seek counseling, etc. I have tried all but I keep running it in my mind, pulling my hair out, trying to figure my husband out. I am not the perfect wife and I am sure there is no such thing. My husband is away on his trip to attend his son's awards banquet. We did talk more about our relationship overall before he left and he seemed to be coming around to really hearing what I had to say just as I was giving up. It seems that he is beginning to really understand my needs which is really exciting but at the same time I don't want to get really excited. I want to take it one day at a time. I'm hoping and praying with him being away will give both of us time to really think about where we want to be in this relationship. I will keep you posted. Stay tuned. My husbands return home on Thursday.
Author lisa671 Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 I totally understand what you are going through lisa.. I'm sorry we are in the same boat, unfortunatly mine has gotten worse, it got to once every week , now if im lucky its once a month. Mine has a ton of excuses (which he calls reasons). I am also thinking about leaving, and i'm told also that i am selfish. how are the men not being selfish, by not listening to our needs and wants. when you first got together were you satisfied w/ your sex life? clintsgirl, You are not being selfish. I totally understand what YOU are going through. To answer your question about sex before marriage, it was awesome, pretty much every other day, if not everyday. For your situation, I have to ask, do you think he may be seeing someone else? This is the first thing I thought off when my situation began. My husband is so busy with everything else in his life, i.e. his hobbies, his investments for the future, and just staying totally focused on that and this is constantly on his mind. I tell him that his focus needs to be spread out and mostly on our marriage and not "our" future. Our future is important but I think today and our marriage is most important to be worked on.
Lucky_One Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 How do you KNOW he is not unfaithful? It is fairly easy to hide an affair (if you are smart).
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