bluewolf17 Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Hello! Thanks for reading-advice is so apperciated! I am 25, my ex of 3 years is 27. We broke up about two months ago. We had a pretty solid relationship. No cheating, no lying etc. Of course somthing happend.. My ex is a great, loving old fashioned guy, but he has some serious depression issues. For most of our relationship, he job hopped, and would constantly tell me how he is going to go to school (here, then there). It never happend. After three years, I felt a little resentment. We talked marriage, and a home, but I started to feel that it would never happen, as he lacked motivation. He is a smart guy, has a degree, he just never seemed to think he could do anything. Finally, after being unemployed for 7 months, and not even wanting to look for a job (he was on unemployment) I reached a snapping point, and dumped him in a scream fight. He called for two days begging me back, and I decided to give it a week, and then we would talk again. After a week, I realized I truly loved him, and made a mistake. I told him this, and he said he changed his mind, and that we were both unhappy, and maybe the break up was best..I was devestated. Shortly after, I started NC. I did it for 4 weeks. Then he called me the day before I left for Vegas, and we had a great hour long talk. He missed me, and was hoping we could start "talking". I found out he enrolled at school, got financial aid, and is doing well. I was very firm about not contacting him. I only returned his calls. We eventually met up, and had a wonderful. He contacted me again, and told me he wanted to see me again. We hung out again, and had another great time (BTW, neither of us is dating anyone else). Long story short, I asked him if he thought we were heading down the path of getting back together, or if this was just for fun. He said he definetly has thought about getting back together, but he thinks it's best we take it slow, and see what happens. Should I start the NC again? I really feel like he has changed, and he seems much more happy, and I am thrilled he got his stuff together. I just don't want to wait forever for him to decide if he wants to try again. Thanks for responses, happy weekend everyone.
EmperorR Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 It seems genuine enough, as he said taking it slow, I think that is the key, don't rush into anything. It's up to you are you sure you want this, can deal with rebuilding the trust, as well it may happen again that he realizes this is not he wanted. If it's not what you want etc. just continue NC, its up to you. I wish you all the best.
scootncash Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 When you breakup and you still love the guy of course you wish you had him back. But what you need is time apart. When you breakup you are thrown into a frightening and painful situation. At first you want to run right back in to the safety of the relationship, its almost instinct. When the pain of seperation consumes you you tend to forget any of the bad feelings you had about the relationship, hence job hopping etc... Its this very feeling that causes even more fear like loosing your partner, not finding someone else to love, or not being able to survive financially that leads people to rushing back to a relationship. Breakups are believe it or not, a gift. It gives you a chance to step back and take a look at the relationship from a more realistic point of view. Its during this time that you start working on YOU! Try to figure out what went wrong in the relationship and deciding on what you can do to change them. Its a time to start to heal and learn about what you really want from a relationship. You get to figure out your wants and needs and work on you! If more people would take the time to do this they would have a much better chance at reuniting with their partner and having a much better healthier loving relationship, a new and improved one if you will! Breakups dont mean life is over they are actually gifts at getting to know you better, improve your relationship skills, and get you on the road to a healthy, loving, and desireable relationship either with your partner again, or sometimes with someone new when your ready.
Author bluewolf17 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Scootncash (and Emporer) thanks for the advice. I was afraid this one wasn't going to get answered! We have been broken up almost 2 months. I feel I done some heavy thinking, and am working on me. I definetly don't want that old relationship back, I want a better one (if possible). I made a lot of mistakes, and see now how much they effected us. Now, I am at the point where if he wanted to let go, I would accept it. I could move on, I know I can love again and that I would come out better in the end. BUT more to the point, he seems to interested in us getting back together. He is a very genuine person, and I told him that I wouldn't talk to him "just as friends" or a crutch. He agreed, and said he wouldn't do that to himself either. And yet here we are, texting, talking, and going out once a week. I would say 90% of the time he is the one who calls, texts, and make plans. But I always bite, and go along with it. I am trying to keep things casual (no intimacy). I guess I just want to know how long I put up with this gray area. In the end, he is the one who really put the brakes on the relationship, and I have told him I would like to try reconciliation, so shouldn't I wait for him to give me a big sign, or do I just go back to NC? Thanks so much!
PinkRibbon Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I have no answers but I would love to give you a big excited hug! A second chance with someone who seems sincere. It is a gift not to be wasted.
Chinook Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Bluewolf, maybe not completely 'no contact' but limited contact. He may well be in the first stages of 'friendzoning' you. You're someone he knows, someone he feels comfortable with. That doesn't mean he wants to go back. To do that you're going to have to take it way much slower. Back off, let him come to you, let him woo you. Let him feel like he has to win you. I'm not talking about games, but make him feel like he has earned your trust and your love again. Trust me, this will go a long way to re-cementing where your relationship should be. If it's all too easy for him, it will fail. Trust me, I know.
scootncash Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I guess I just want to know how long I put up with this gray area. In the end, he is the one who really put the brakes on the relationship, and I have told him I would like to try reconciliation, so shouldn't I wait for him to give me a big sign, or do I just go back to NC? The gray area you talk about can be different for everyone based on the individuals invloved. Chinook is right. Really put some time between the breakup and the reconciliation. Let him come to you. You have to be earned, not just taken back. Try to find time to do other things besides thinking about getting back with him. Work on your friendship because without it there is no hope. So many people run back into the relationship too early and honestly havent made changes but they swear they have. Disaster awaits once the new fireworks end and the same old relationship arises with the same old problems and the ship will sink. Dont get me wrong, Im not trying to say dont get back, Im just saying watch him, not his words, see if he brings up things he sees he's not done for the relationship and see if he does do the work to correct them. It cant be one sided. You cant get everything together and bring wonderful new life and compassion, fulfilling and healthy life into the relationship if he is still doing the same things. Women Talk. Men shovel snow. In other words women are more emotional and talk their way through problems. Men on the other hand are doers. They do things, they fix things they dont talk a whole lot about things. So, let him do the doing and come to you on your terms.
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