Does your friends' relationship status match your own?

[Star Gazer]

I've been realizing something over the past few months. I feel bad for saying it, but here I go...

 

At present, I have very little interest in hanging out with my friends who are single. I feel like we're on a different wavelength now. Perhaps it's just that the friends I have who are single are all about the "single life" (bars, partying, etc.) or have relationship drama, neither of which I find entertaining.

 

Similarly, when I was single, I had little interest in hanging out with my married friends, or those friends who were in serious relationships. I felt like we didn't "get" each other, or have similar interests. It was almost as though we had too different of lifestyles.

 

In essence, I find myself wanting to spend time with other people who are in happy, committed relationships - both on "couple dates" and individually.

 

Has anyone else experienced the same thing?

[loser101]

nope, I love my friends the way they are, I don't change them every day like my knickers

[Star Gazer]

nope, I love my friends the way they are, I don't change them every day like my knickers

 

I love my friends just the way they are too. I'm not going to not be friends with them based on their relationship status. I'm simply referring to regularly spending time with them.

[melodymatters]

I think what your feeling is very natural. How you deal with it will be more of a deciding factor. Haven't you ( and I) both felt badly when friends coupled up, and suddenly seemed to have no time for us ? Like; "I'm happy your in love, but I'M still the same person who you used to enjoy being with ?"

 

But again, when one is say, trying to get healthy, they don't hang so much with their alcoholic friends, when one is a new mom, they just simply DO find more in common with other new moms. It's just a fact of life. Not good or bad.

 

So, I guess what I'm blabbing on about is that you have every right to feel that way, and that it's completely natural, normal and understandable, I think you ( and I ) should still try and find some time to do things with our single gal friends that don't revolve around drama, bars, flirting etc...

 

Good luck, and good question. I applaud your honesty !

[loser101]

while I think it is fair to state that people's priorities change and you are drawn to different friends at different times, I never feel I am on different wavelength with them as their relationship status or mine changes. Change is part of life, people get together, split up, get married, get divorced. Your good, true, genuine friends are pretty much permanent in your life. I always have an interest in anything they have to say, whatever lifestyle they lead.

 

I'm sorry but I can't justify the original post, I think it's shallow. If any of my friends said that to me I would write her off as a fair-weather friend.

[Star Gazer]

Well, Loser, unfortunately you're not understanding (or choosing not to listen?) to what I'm saying.

 

I'm anything but fair-weather. I don't love my single friends any less or care about them/their life/what they have to say any less. I simply find myself preferring to spend time with people who have the same priorities that I do, and are in the same place in their life as I am. Those priorities and place in life do, as a matter of course, involve one's relationship status.

 

I agree that my good, true, genuine friends are pretty much permanent in your life. My married-with-children friends have been my rocks, even when I was single. However, we spent far less time together when I was single than we do now, and quite frankly, I think that was much more their decision than it was mine... and now I really understand why.

[Star Gazer]

I think what your feeling is very natural. How you deal with it will be more of a deciding factor. Haven't you ( and I) both felt badly when friends coupled up, and suddenly seemed to have no time for us ? Like; "I'm happy your in love, but I'M still the same person who you used to enjoy being with ?"

 

Yes, I've felt bad. But, on the other hand, I also understood... When you're in a relationship, or married, or have children, there's less time for friends.

 

But again, when one is say, trying to get healthy, they don't hang so much with their alcoholic friends, when one is a new mom, they just simply DO find more in common with other new moms. It's just a fact of life. Not good or bad.

 

I guess that's the rub. I have more in common with my coupled-up friends. I could be the littlest things too.

 

For example, just the other day, I was at dinner with a married friend who I'm on a charitable committee with. Prior to that dinner, we both understood the difficulties in scheduling the dinner due to our respective obligations stemming from our relationships (I was helping the BF move, she was attending her H's work party, etc.). My single friends would have whined about my limited availability. In addition, we each had previously agreed to bring our SO's take-out from the same restaurant after we were done. We both had a sort of innate understanding about it. However, had I gone out with a single friend, and said, "Oh, I almost forgot, I gotta get something to bring home to the BF... he's starving..." I would have received a pair of rolled eyes. My married friend, on the other hand, just totally understood.

 

So, I guess what I'm blabbing on about is that you have every right to feel that way, and that it's completely natural, normal and understandable, I think you ( and I ) should still try and find some time to do things with our single gal friends that don't revolve around drama, bars, flirting etc...

 

Good luck, and good question. I applaud your honesty !

 

 

Thanks, Mel.

 

Any ideas for things to do with single gal friends who thrive on relationship drama and only want to hunt for single men at bars??

[Trialbyfire]

Hey SG, have you considered combining your single and coupled friends? That's what we've done, where people can also bring other friends. It provides singles, an easy way to meet someone but at the same time, gives everyone the opportunity to get together.

 

We're going to one of those house parties tomorrow night and it's always a riot. Kids are all invited too, so no one has to worry about babysitters.

[loser101]

Well, Loser, unfortunately you're not understanding (or choosing not to listen?) to what I'm saying.

 

I'm anything but fair-weather. I don't love my single friends any less or care about them/their life/what they have to say any less. I simply find myself preferring to spend time with people who have the same priorities that I do, and are in the same place in their life as I am. Those priorities and place in life do, as a matter of course, involve one's relationship status.

 

I agree that my good, true, genuine friends are pretty much permanent in your life. My married-with-children friends have been my rocks, even when I was single. However, we spent far less time together when I was single than we do now, and quite frankly, I think that was much more their decision than it was mine... and now I really understand why.

 

What I have highlighted above ilustrates my point. You put yourself and your needs before other people's. I understand about your comments regarding your married friends' choice when you were single, sure some people will make choices such as yours.

 

My point is you asked the question whether others can relate to that type of thinking and my response is that personally I cannot.

[redfathom]

Yes, I've felt bad. But, on the other hand, I also understood... When you're in a relationship, or married, or have children, there's less time for friends.

 

But you do have time for friends, but you choose not to have time for your single friends. It's hard to balance everyones time. Your SO's, your's, and your friends.

 

I have a few close friends. One married with kids, one in a long term relationship, one single, and a married gay couple.

 

I see the single one and the married gay couple the most. I don't mind hanging out with my friend with kids and think her kids are great, we go to the circus, or something similar for the kids.

 

I don't mind hanging out with my friend with a boyfriend, which is not the issue, but her working/school schedule. And I don't mind hanging out with the single girl and going to a bar with her if that is her thing.

 

I have also gone to bars with my married gay friend. They in turn will go ice skating with me, to the movies, to dinner, or something else, like the zoo. We take turns doing what the other person wants.

[Star Gazer]

You put yourself and your needs before other people's.

 

Myself and my needs? Not really. My relationship and its needs, for sure. IMO, SO's and children should always come before social time with friends. *shrug* That's not to say social time with friends should cease to exist. But when deciding who to spend that time with, shouldn't it benefit you as well?

 

My point is you asked the question whether others can relate to that type of thinking and my response is that personally I cannot.

 

Interesting, because you JUST said: "I think it is fair to state that people's priorities change and you are drawn to different friends at different times..."

 

Hmm.

[Adunaphel]

My friends and I will be on the same wavelenght and will often have the same priorities no matter what our relationship status is (as I tend to hang out with people who put great importance on relationships).

When I am in a relationship I might tend to hang out more with my non-single friends, but that would be only for my relationship's sake (I am currently in a LDR so the more I can avoid to make my partner jealous, the happier I am.

[sotired]

Yes, In a way...

 

My "core" really good friends are always there no matter what...but more casual friendships are usually dependant on what my status is.

 

I am not going to go bar hopping with single girls looking to hookup when I'm in a relationship...because I'm not interested in that lifestyle when I have a man. Likewise, I'm not going to be the only single girl hanging out with married people.

[Lauriebell82]

I can't really relate I guess, because I've always hung out with my friends whether we were single, dating, engaged, married, ect. I never stopped hanging out with my best friend even after she got married. She would always make time for me even when she was in a relationship and I wasn't (which she always had a boyfriend).

 

I have a single friend who hangs out with my boyfriend and I and we have a blast together..she doesn't mind being the third wheel either. I've always just "merged" friends whether anyone was single or in a relationship.

 

Double dates are fun though, I will admit.

 

As for things to do with single friends: shopping, dinner, coffee, girls nights drinking and watching movies, going to the movies, concerts, ect. It doesn't have to be a bar hopping type night, if they aren't considerate of your relationship then why are they your friends ya know? Plus it's fun having a girl's night without the guys. Living with a guy all the time, sometimes I just crave "girl time."

[OpenBook]

while I think it is fair to state that people's priorities change and you are drawn to different friends at different times, I never feel I am on different wavelength with them as their relationship status or mine changes. Change is part of life, people get together, split up, get married, get divorced. Your good, true, genuine friends are pretty much permanent in your life. I always have an interest in anything they have to say, whatever lifestyle they lead.

 

I'm sorry but I can't justify the original post, I think it's shallow. If any of my friends said that to me I would write her off as a fair-weather friend.

 

I completely agree. True friends stick by each other, no matter what happens in each others' lives. There's no need to "get" their lifestyle. The bond goes way beyond that.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

The one thing that bothers me is how some of my single friends are approaching life right now. I have a lot of close friends, and I do see them fairly often. Sometimes the compromise is to bring the BF so I can see everyone. He likes to hang out in the pub and they like him so it works well.

 

Some of my single friends lead a healthy lifestyle and have a positive attitude about life. When they are feeling down on being single, they either give up for a while and focus in friends and fun activities or they try a new direction.

 

What I'm finding that I have little patience for is the friends who are stuck in bad cycles but aren't doing anything to change it. For example. I have one friend who has a crush on this guy. He is a tool in my opinion. He is living with a girl who is supposedly his "roommate" but actually, they are sleeping together. He has led my friend on in the past, even to the point of making dates but then he would break them. Yet, she continues to pine over this loser. I'm like, what do you possibly think he has to offer you? Her answer is that they have this great "connection". Bah, humbug. F*** the connection. There is no connection. This guy is a user and I hate that she tolerates crap like this.

 

So...she is 38 and and is tired of being single. Yet she never tries to vary her dating strategy. She goes to the same 3 bars and meets the same losers and expects something different to happen. If you meet a guy in a bar, and this guy is in a band, and he tells you straightaway that he has commitment issues, then you know to stay away.

 

So yes, I'm tired of listening to that crap.

 

I have another friend who keeps a positive attitude, tries new things when she feels that dating is getting stale, and I really enjoy being around her. I don't mind listening to her when things are rough because I know she has a positive, forward thinking attitude.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I also get irritated at my slightly manipulative friend who says "I never see you anymore." I see her every bit as much as I used to. She expects me to come out whenever she calls, and sometimes I just need to chill out and be at home.

[westernxer]

Things change, friendships evolve (or deteriorate).

 

Case closed.

[mental_traveller]

I've been realizing something over the past few months. I feel bad for saying it, but here I go...

 

At present, I have very little interest in hanging out with my friends who are single. I feel like we're on a different wavelength now. Perhaps it's just that the friends I have who are single are all about the "single life" (bars, partying, etc.) or have relationship drama, neither of which I find entertaining.

 

Similarly, when I was single, I had little interest in hanging out with my married friends, or those friends who were in serious relationships. I felt like we didn't "get" each other, or have similar interests. It was almost as though we had too different of lifestyles.

 

In essence, I find myself wanting to spend time with other people who are in happy, committed relationships - both on "couple dates" and individually.

 

Has anyone else experienced the same thing?

 

I've not felt that way myself, but I've observed it and think it's a very sad and limiting outlook on life. It's like only hanging out with people who do the same job as you, or are the same height, or gender, or political beliefs, religion etc.

[Woggle]

I have both single and involved friends. Both of them have positive and negative trairs. The only thing I don't like are the ones who have handed their balls over to the people they are involved with. They can't even breathe without checking in first. Other than that thought it doesn't matter.

[briannajill]

Only one of my friends is single. I spend almost all of my time on my own.

[Star Gazer]

Only one of my friends is single. I spend almost all of my time on my own.

 

Are you single? I'm sorry, I don't know your background.

[sb129]

You put yourself and your needs before other people's. .

 

We all do this to some extent- its human nature.

 

 

I am really lucky- some of my closest friends are also married and pregnant, we are all due to have our babies this year, so its great.

 

I do feel a little bad sometimes when we get together and our non-married friends have to sit through a load of preggy talk, but we do make an effort not to do that the whole time.

 

I still have time for my single friends, although I don't live in the same place as most of them, and our priorities are a little different- you won't catch me out drinking in bars at the moment!

 

But we still have common ground and its always good to see them when we do meet up.

 

I do understand what you are saying SG, and you naturally gravitate towards people who are at a similar stage to you. I have a few friends who have also lost (in one case is about to lose) parents to cancer, and we have spent alot of time talking and together lately as I have found them to be incredibly supportive- not "more" supportive than the other friends, just different.

[pandagirl]

I find this topic interesting, because it's very foreign to me.

 

Let me state: I AM ALWAYS SINGLE. haha. Not only that, for some reason, all of my friends have always been in long, serious relationship, even when I was younger in my early 20s.

 

Now I am almost 31 and still single. I would say 80% of my friends are married and the other 20% are in relationships. However, this has zero effect on my friendships with them. Maybe it has to do with the fact that all my girlfriends are pretty independent women and they *want* time away from their relationship to go out on their own. That in combination with the fact that I always feel welcome as the "third wheel" and that I'm friends with their boyfriends makes me never feel "different" from them, nor do I view my friends as having "different" priorities.

 

Good friends are good friends no matter what. I feel like if you are distancing yourself from certain people, the bond wasn't as strong, or maybe you weren't very compatible as friends from the start and now the differences are more obvious.

[Stockalone]

Has anyone else experienced the same thing?

 

No.

 

All of my friends are in relationships (except for one, but he is currently working in India, so I can't spend time with him).

 

I don't like to hang out with one couple alone. It's just weird, but hanging out with more of them is fine.

 

My friends spare time is mostly spend with their SO. That means the time I get to spend with them is significantly less than what it used to be when we were in college and most of us were single. But it is good to see them happy and I am glad that they found someone.

 

So the quantity isn't there anymore but the quality still is when we do things together without the girlfriends. We still do the same things we always did. Play basketball, go to sport events, etc. And from time to time, we still play a board game that we have been playing since high school.

 

I still like hanging out with my friends, whether or not they are in relationships. But we were never the partying, hanging out in bars type of guys. So there isn't a different (incompatible) lifestyle between being single vs. being in a relationship.

 

That being said, their girlfriends do ask me why I am single and don't want to date. But I don't think they see me (the single guy) as a "threat" to their relationships.