Jaytb Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Aww. Where are you guys in real life? In the Ocean, duh.
Author shadowplay Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 The dating world can be a cruel and unforgiving place. As a guy, there have been many times where I felt women didn't give me a chance. A lot of this you just have to take with a grain of salt and just enjoy it for what it is. Eventually I think for you the right guy will come along that will appreciate you for you - your personality, intellect and all. From what I've noticed so far, not everyone appreciates an intellectual guy/girl. Maybe those that are more interested in developing something long-term would find that type of trait more appealing. Where have you been meeting these guys? What are their age ranges? Are you limiting your choices by meeting them at X place(s)? Hey, thanks for the input. I'm glad you can relate. I know women can be equally dismissive. I try to give people more of a chance because I know first impressions can prove faulty. I've met all of these guys through school. I'm 25, but still finishing up my college degree because I took a few years off and transferred from somewhere else (financial/psychological reasons). One of the guys was somebody I knew at my old school, who was a senior when I was a freshman (he's now 29). I had a huge crush on him when we were in school together, but he didn't know it. We didn't know each other well. I hadn't seen him in years, and he happened to spend the summer in my city. He emailed me and asked me out for drinks. Then he acted incredibly weird and rude when we met up. It was a very strange experience, and I still can't figure out what happened. He's a smart guy, working on a PhD, so something else about me must have turned him off. The other two guys were younger 21-23 year old college students. It's hard because all the undergrads around me are a few years younger, but the grad students stick mostly together and have a snooty attitude toward undergrads. If there's one personality trait all of these guys have in common it's probably a slightly arrogant, narcissistic attitude.
kizik Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 If there's one personality trait all of these guys have in common it's probably a slightly arrogant, narcissistic attitude. And that's what turns you on?!
Jaytb Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 And that's what turns you on?! Yeah what he said. is that intentional that you're dating guys with a rude narcissistic attitude? Or is it happening by coincidence?
carhill Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 If there's one personality trait all of these guys have in common it's probably a slightly arrogant, narcissistic attitude. Shadow, tell me about one guy you've met who doesn't have this commonality of peronality. How did that go? I'll personalize. You've likely read some of my postings/journals. How would you characterize me, in comparison to those men you've alluded to in your posting, personality-wise? Be honest. It's an important test, that of perception. There's a lesson in this.... and I think TBF might have alluded to it in another thread (the media influence one).
Author shadowplay Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Shadow, tell me about one guy you've met who doesn't have this commonality of peronality. How did that go? I'll personalize. You've likely read some of my postings/journals. How would you characterize me, in comparison to those men you've alluded to in your posting, personality-wise? Be honest. It's an important test, that of perception. There's a lesson in this.... and I think TBF might have alluded to it in another thread (the media influence one). Two of my exes were nice guys who didn't have this personality trait, and they treated me well, but I wasn't in love with them. But I need to clarify that my main reason for lack of attraction had to do with their physical appearances. My first bf was overweight and not at all my physical type. He was a wonderful guy, and we're still great friends, but I just felt little attraction to him. Also, he had other personality traits that turned me off. He completely lacked confidence and was too sedentary. I've never had any involvement with a guy who is nice AND whom I find physically appealing. I'm not sure why that is. I guess I just don't know many guys who are 1) nice 2) reasonably intelligent and confident 3) physically my type, 4) single. Bear in mind my physical type is pretty broad. As long as a guy is fairly fit and has an appealing face I'm good to go. I can only think of one guy I know off the top of my head who fits the first three categories and he's very taken. It may be that I don't know enough men as I'm not very social. The guys I've had burning crushes on in the past usually turned out to be jerks, but the odd thing is I often thought they were nice when I first met them. This makes me think that some other quality that goes along with being a jerk is what attracts me, not jerkiness in itself. Based on what I know about you, Carhill, you're much more of a softy than these men are. That's not a bad thing. I admire kindness in people, but somehow it doesn't get my hormones raging.
carhill Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Thanks Now use this as a mirror for reflection upon yourself. The answers to your OP reside within you... Editorially, it is interesting that you have ignored my condescending and megalomaniacal aspects, as proferred by other poster's here. FWIW, I agree with them; I do have those aspects to my personality. Curiously though, if you're being honest, you don't perceive them. Examine that
Isolde Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Shadow, OMG, yeah! The two guys in my case, acted weird the MOMENT I met up with them, almost as if they had decided they disliked me within an instant... I did go on a second date with both of them (barely made it to that point though--long story), it was a third I didn't get. I've heard that some guys decide within an instant if they like a girl and then act rude if they decide they're not interested. However, on the few dates I've had with guys that WERE interested, those guys acted pretty weird too, if not rude like the others. I can't say I have the problem with kindness not being a turn on though. If I find a guy physically appealing, only the most saccharine attitude could turn me off.
Author shadowplay Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Shadow, OMG, yeah! The two guys in my case, acted weird the MOMENT I met up with them, almost as if they had decided they disliked me within an instant... I did go on a second date with both of them (barely made it to that point though--long story), it was a third I didn't get. I've heard that some guys decide within an instant if they like a girl and then act rude if they decide they're not interested. However, on the few dates I've had with guys that WERE interested, those guys acted pretty weird too, if not rude like the others. Same here! It was so weird. The second he sat down he was noticeably rude and cold. That left me in the uncomfortable position of carrying the conversation for an hour while he was unfriendly and barely asked me any questions. It's hard for me to imagine what I did that turned him off because I was friendly and confident, but I also wasn't overtly flirtatious. I said interesting things, but he didn't seem to care enough to pay any attention. I kept trying unsuccessfully to engage him. He was the one who was acting strange, so why did he find fault with me? Then when we parted in the street he mumbled very coldly "see you around" and scampered off. Didn't even get a "nice to see you" after all these years. The fact that he was rude THE MOMENT he saw me made me feel like there was something terrible about my appearance he was reacting to, as if I had gotten fat or ugly between the ages of 19 and 24 (which, unless I'm blind, isn't true). It really was a terrible feeling, and then to never find out why other than some "vibe" that he never defined. It just pisses me off that these guys will "shut down" the second they sit down with a girl for some superficial reason without even giving her a chance.
carhill Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Want an in-person analysis? Let me know. I'm getting the itch for a mileage run
Author shadowplay Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 I remember when I was 20 or so, my bf at the time was talking to his snooty roommate about me (I wasn't there). His roommate said something dismissive about how I wasn't his type because he prefers confident girls. Then my ex said how he thinks I'm this really amazing person with a lot of talents, but I'm just shy and how I feel like people don't give me a chance. According to my ex, the guy just said "uh huh" and didn't seem to care or pay attention. I remember trying to be friendly to his guy and engage him in conversation because we were both into art and filmmaking, but it never went anywhere because he would give me one word responses. It makes me feel like people often don't care about who you are, what you're really about, just how you superficially come across. It's style over substance.
Author shadowplay Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Thanks Now use this as a mirror for reflection upon yourself. The answers to your OP reside within you... Editorially, it is interesting that you have ignored my condescending and megalomaniacal aspects, as proferred by other poster's here. FWIW, I agree with them; I do have those aspects to my personality. Curiously though, if you're being honest, you don't perceive them. Examine that Hmm....no, that's actually not something I've noticed. What do you think that means?
Author shadowplay Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 It means I need to analyze you in-person Stop trying to creep me out!
carhill Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 It makes me feel like people often don't care about who you are, what you're really about, just how you superficially come across. It's style over substance. This is pretty common. I remember hearing this complaint from my female friend when we were your age, like people, men especially, didn't even acknowledge her existence beyond the shadow her breasts cast. She says she still has the problem to this day, and for the life of me I don't know why. You sound a lot like she did at your age. All I can say is that some people (men) are idiots
Jaytb Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 It makes me feel like people often don't care about who you are, what you're really about, just how you superficially come across. It's style over substance. It happens all the time to men and women, and I know that it's frustrating to think about. But you aren't alone. And the right person will give you a chance when you meet him, I'm sure. You just have to be prepared to wait.
monkey00 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Hey I'm around your age too and actually most of the women I've gone out with happened to be an undergrad or grad student. Honestly though after all this I'm done with these types of women. I need a woman with a career! Aside from campus and guys who are still students, have you tried going out with older men who were more career focused? (Basically has got their sh#t together) though if it is true that you're too nice, it may be harder for people to respect you. In all cases confidence is sexy and appealing to both sexes.
carhill Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 OP, remind me...have you dated guys 10 years older? Just curious. If so, how did that go?
Kamille Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I said interesting things, but he didn't seem to care enough to pay any attention. I kept trying unsuccessfully to engage him. He was the one who was acting strange, so why did he find fault with me? You know, my dating life improved the day I decided to stop trying to engage my dates in conversation. I now figure they have to do their share, and the advantage is that we both have input on how the conversation goes. Silence is your friend. If there is a lull in the conversation, allow them to come up with the next topic. They will automatically feel more engaged. Plus, I stopped trying to be interesting on dates. You would think this might work against me but it doesn't. I think it makes men feel more comfortable when I'm not trying to one up them or impress them. I'm just me. It also helps me relax and enjoy dates a lot more.
The Collector Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Unless those two pics I saw of you were hugely photoshopped or you are hiding a massive arse I'd rate you an 8 or 9. I'd totally do you and so would my gf. So I really think lots of guys think you are out of their league. Did the guys you dated have hot gfs previous to you? That's a good indication of your looks value. But you should work on your playful, flirty side. TBF is right, online flirting is good practice, and it totally doesn't have to be sexual. It's more like friendly teasing. And wear a skirt or a dress every now and then, us guys love them. If it's your body shape that puts you off, we are usually pretty adept at working out that whatever you are wearing - and funny thing is, no matter what size a girl is she usually looks sexier in something feminine.
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