MeMyself&I Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Hi Shadow, Flirting can be so much fun. Before you know the guy/girl well it's just casual looks or comments. You don't want to come on too strong. But it also depends on the type of relationship you are pursuing....casual or long term. BUT As you get to know them it's a knack of taking something they said........this also shows that you listen to them (very important to guys).....and making it flirtatious. For example, and like I said this is different for each person with what you are going to use, a guy I'd seen a few times and talked to MANY times (but have yet to be intimate with) called and I mentioned I was heading to a wrestling tournament the next day. He jokingly said, "oh who are you wrestling?" I replied "well maybe you.......I've been practicing my take down". We laughed and it was/is an ongoing joke between us! Yah.....kinda silly but it should be! Fun and light and can lead to fiery anticipation!! lol I can't wait to wrestle!! Now we have MANY inside jokes and innuendos. Like I said flirting is fun. It should flow and add sparkle to your interaction. Some people have more of a knack for it than others. You will find your niche. And like many things in a relationship the key to effective flirting is listening. Good luck. You will meet an awesome guy and flirting will come to you. I remember in another post (or maybe it was this thread) someone mentioned practicing on a guy friend. This may be a good idea. I find it a lot easier to flirt and have fun with my just guy friends as there is no pressure that I'll make a fool out of myself.
Isolde Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Wait, I swear I didn't hijack your LS account and write this thread I've been thinking about this too. I DO find it encouraging that your boyfriends gave you another chance and then changed their minds. Maybe that'll happen to me next time...
Els Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I'm a bit puzzled here. Shadowplay, if the guy evidently shows that he's the kind of person that judges a book by its cover instead of really getting to know the person before deciding, would you really WANT to be with him? Based on what you said, how you're intelligent and interesting but only really loosen up when you get to know the person, surely someone who judges by first impressions would be by nature incompatible with you in the first place?
kizik Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 My guess is that you get PLENTY of attention from guys; you just don't notice it b/c the guys who admire you are "gross", "nerdy" or "lame" or something. You wouldn't be attracted to me when you saw me. But if we got to talking, you'd be surprised at how different I am than all these as$holes. The point is that you're probably just as guilty as these guys you're accusing, of only noticing what they've been taught to notice. For them, it's huge boobs; for you, it's a six-foot chiseled Brad Pitt.
AllInOne Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Yes, I'm shy and a bit awkward with people I don't know well, but would this really be enough to dismiss me? I believe this may be part of your problem. I like your posts so I read them when I can and you frequently describe yourself this way so I am going to assume it is at least somewhat true. I am not at all suggesting you change but for whatever reason I think a lot of people are going to hold it against you if you are a little awkaward and/or shy. I know that may sound a little discouraging but sooner or later if you keep putting yourself out there you will meet somebody that will look past this and take an interest in you.
westernxer Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 shadow, this is westernxer. westernxer, this is shadow! I'm old enough to be her college professor. LOL
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 My guess is that you get PLENTY of attention from guys; you just don't notice it b/c the guys who admire you are "gross", "nerdy" or "lame" or something. You wouldn't be attracted to me when you saw me. But if we got to talking, you'd be surprised at how different I am than all these as$holes. The point is that you're probably just as guilty as these guys you're accusing, of only noticing what they've been taught to notice. For them, it's huge boobs; for you, it's a six-foot chiseled Brad Pitt. Probably very true. Shadow, my instinct from reading your posts is that there is something about you that feels uncomfortable with men. This discomfort shows through. Your discomfort makes those around you uncomfortable. This is a very big thing. People do not want to spend time with people who make them feel uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if you are a supermodel. Making others feel confident and at ease is what makes some people so attractive. I could go on about this, but anyways... So....how can you become comfortable with yourself? Your public self? I think that deep down, you know you you've got a lot going for you. When you look in the mirror, you know you're pretty, and thin, and attractive. You know you are smart and interesting. You KNOW that. What you don't know is how other people will percieve that. If you walk confidently in the world, will others think you are arrogant? Will they try to knock you down a few notches? The question you must ask yourself is, how can I become comfortable with myself? How can I present myself to the world with confidence without fearing retribution?
Jaytb Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Wait, I swear I didn't hijack your LS account and write this thread Hacker!
Trialbyfire Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I'll give you a chance, sweetheart. *puts on her duenna outfit again* shadow, this is Land Shark. Land Shark, shadow. I'm old enough to be her college professor. LOL Looks like you've got competition. Play to your strengths!
Isolde Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I just don't think this is something one should have to think about so much. If you have to tailor your flirting and play down your intelligence to appeal to a guy, is that worth it? TBF's advice to lighten up is good, though. On dates (I haven't been on any in a year, though) I try my best to act like myself, but a somewhat lighter version. One thing that comes to mind is the guys you go on dates with may feel insecure and project that onto you, almost looking for reasons to find something wrong with you. Another thing I thought of is that maybe you're not being picky ENOUGH. Maybe if you looked for guys that understand and appreciate your type of personality and that you also find attractive, the problem would take care of itself. That could take a while to find, though. Honestly, I think we'd both be better off getting to know guys in non dating contexts and breaking the ice before actually going on dates.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Honestly, I think we'd both be better off getting to know guys in non dating contexts and breaking the ice before actually going on dates. Yes, I totally agree.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 This thread was prompted by something Sam Spade said in another thread. I've suffered a number of rejections (OK, in reality only a few, but it feels like more since I rarely put myself out there) where men have been completely dismissive of me based on a first impression or a first date. Based on a small amount of interaction they decide that apparently they don't like me enough to even bother getting to know me better. I'm cute, nice and smart, so I can't figure out what's going on. I'm not perfect but I know with certainty that I'm very intelligent and that I have interesting things to say. I'm not rude or obnoxious. Yes, I'm shy and a bit awkward with people I don't know well, but would this really be enough to dismiss me? What I find really frustrating is that all of my relationships started with the guy thinking we had no chemistry based on a first impression and then completely changing his mind once his got to know me better. Usually within just one or two more dates (once I loosened up) he discovered that he really liked me. But most guys don't stick around to find out. If more guys would just get to know me a little better, I'm sure that many of them would find themselves pleasantly surprised. But why are they so dismissive? Given that first impressions can often prove inaccurate, why don't people spend more time getting to know somebody who is at least cute, nice and smart? I'm reminded of another poster, Isolde, who seems to have a similar problem with guys, which I find remarkable given how kind, intelligent and interesting she seems to be. Then I'm left scratching my head with some (not all) of the women that these guys fixate on. I know everybody has a different type, but given that every guy who stuck around longer than a single date ended up liking me, I feel like there's something else going on. I wish people weren't so quick to judge. Simple because allot of men think with there penis or even worse there friends penises! cute/smart isn't good enough she must be "hot" It seems to me that alot of men today, even average or below average guys think they deserve some porno babe. Agreed 100%
SpanksTheMonkey Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Or maybe this is the problem :lmao::lmao::lmao: OMG lol...
spookie Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I don't think it's you, shadow. I think the guys you go for are just smart enough to know you're out of their league. I don't think you need to change a thing, except possibly stop letting it hurt so much. Constant disappointment is kind of the point of life.
Trialbyfire Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 So shadow, now that a couple of the LS guys have hit on you, how will you flirt back? Think about it, then do it. Practice on LS or for that matter, hook up on LS.
Kamille Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I don't know if this will be helpful but... I used to worry a lot about what people thought of me. I still do - I don't think anyone is immune, but every once in awhile I remind myself that I cannot control what other people think of me. Recognizing I cannot control what people think of me has been liberating. Stressful at first: I was in the habit of trying to control situations and hope for specific outcomes and when I started changing those habits I felt a bit lost for awhile. But now, things are amazingly better. On dates, I don't feel the pressure to impress. I know that the people who are in my life are there because they want to be - not because I dazzled/forced/fooled them to be there. I don't have to always be "on", not even on dates. Strangely, my dates respond really well to my being low-key. I'm writing this because it might be part of just that little switch in mindset that you need to do. Accept that you can't win 'em all, and just enjoy getting to know people. Plus, like a friend of mine - in a very long dry-no-date-at-all spell, pointed out: hey, at least you get the first date right?
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I just don't think this is something one should have to think about so much. If you have to tailor your flirting and play down your intelligence to appeal to a guy, is that worth it? TBF's advice to lighten up is good, though. On dates (I haven't been on any in a year, though) I try my best to act like myself, but a somewhat lighter version. One thing that comes to mind is the guys you go on dates with may feel insecure and project that onto you, almost looking for reasons to find something wrong with you. Another thing I thought of is that maybe you're not being picky ENOUGH. Maybe if you looked for guys that understand and appreciate your type of personality and that you also find attractive, the problem would take care of itself. That could take a while to find, though. Honestly, I think we'd both be better off getting to know guys in non dating contexts and breaking the ice before actually going on dates. First, Smart women only intimidate dumb guys. If your really intelligent, and he is not... do you think that is going to be a good match anyway? I used to think that it would be fine dating women that were not smart... and it gets REALLY irritating after a while. The part I underlined is good advice. Don't go too far out of your way to be someone else on a date. The more you show of yourself... the better chance of making a great match.
lino Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 when i first joined this site & was a bit more active on it i remember reading and commenting on several of your topics. Based on what i knew of you then, i would have given you a chance. i'm not sure that i'm a guy you'd be interested in though hehe
Trialbyfire Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 Hey shadow, now you've got a third guy throwing his hat into the ring, potentially a fourth guy who's being a little more subtle! So what are you going to do about it?
Author shadowplay Posted April 26, 2009 Author Posted April 26, 2009 So shadow, now that a couple of the LS guys have hit on you, how will you flirt back? Think about it, then do it. Practice on LS or for that matter, hook up on LS. Sorry, guys. I've been away. Thanks for all the positive feedback, advice and encouragement! I appreciate that guys here are giving me some attention, but I feel like online flirting is kind of a dead end because it doesn't translate into real life -- where I tend to choke up. You can have great banter with somebody online and no chemistry in person. I also didn't realize that just being witty and funny with a guy qualified as flirtation. I always thought there had to be sexual undertones. If not, it would be much easier for me to pull off without feeling uncomfortable.
Author shadowplay Posted April 26, 2009 Author Posted April 26, 2009 I'll give you a chance, sweetheart. Aww. Where are you guys in real life?
Land Shark Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 I also didn't realize that just being witty and funny with a guy qualified as flirtation. I always thought there had to be a sexual undertone. If not, it would be much easier for me to pull off without feeling uncomfortable. Silly girl. Just saying "hi" qualifies as flirting. Especially when you're cute.
eclipseIDE Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 This thread was prompted by something Sam Spade said in another thread. I've suffered a number of rejections (OK, in reality only a few, but it feels like more since I rarely put myself out there) where men have been completely dismissive of me based on a first impression or a first date. Based on a small amount of interaction they decide that apparently they don't like me enough to even bother getting to know me better. I'm cute, nice and smart, so I can't figure out what's going on. I'm not perfect but I know with certainty that I'm very intelligent and that I have interesting things to say. I'm not rude or obnoxious. Yes, I'm shy and a bit awkward with people I don't know well, but would this really be enough to dismiss me? What I find really frustrating is that all of my relationships started with the guy thinking we had no chemistry based on a first impression and then completely changing his mind once his got to know me better. Usually within just one or two more dates (once I loosened up) he discovered that he really liked me. But most guys don't stick around to find out. If more guys would just get to know me a little better, I'm sure that many of them would find themselves pleasantly surprised. But why are they so dismissive? Given that first impressions can often prove inaccurate, why don't people spend more time getting to know somebody who is at least cute, nice and smart? I'm reminded of another poster, Isolde, who seems to have a similar problem with guys, which I find remarkable given how kind, intelligent and interesting she seems to be. Then I'm left scratching my head with some (not all) of the women that these guys fixate on. I know everybody has a different type, but given that every guy who stuck around longer than a single date ended up liking me, I feel like there's something else going on. I wish people weren't so quick to judge. Its both men and women, Its a sad world we live in. People only want fireworks and instant gratification and they wont give people a chance. B http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t186564/
monkey00 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 The dating world can be a cruel and unforgiving place. As a guy, there have been many times where I felt women didn't give me a chance. A lot of this you just have to take with a grain of salt and just enjoy it for what it is. Eventually I think for you the right guy will come along that will appreciate you for you - your personality, intellect and all. From what I've noticed so far, not everyone appreciates an intellectual guy/girl. Maybe those that are more interested in developing something long-term would find that type of trait more appealing. Where have you been meeting these guys? What are their age ranges? Are you limiting your choices by meeting them at X place(s)?
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