Guys won't give me a chance

[shadowplay]

This thread was prompted by something Sam Spade said in another thread.

 

I've suffered a number of rejections (OK, in reality only a few, but it feels like more since I rarely put myself out there) where men have been completely dismissive of me based on a first impression or a first date.

 

Based on a small amount of interaction they decide that apparently they don't like me enough to even bother getting to know me better. I'm cute, nice and smart, so I can't figure out what's going on.

 

I'm not perfect but I know with certainty that I'm very intelligent and that I have interesting things to say. I'm not rude or obnoxious. Yes, I'm shy and a bit awkward with people I don't know well, but would this really be enough to dismiss me?

 

What I find really frustrating is that all of my relationships started with the guy thinking we had no chemistry based on a first impression and then completely changing his mind once his got to know me better. Usually within just one or two more dates (once I loosened up) he discovered that he really liked me. But most guys don't stick around to find out.

 

If more guys would just get to know me a little better, I'm sure that many of them would find themselves pleasantly surprised. But why are they so dismissive? Given that first impressions can often prove inaccurate, why don't people spend more time getting to know somebody who is at least cute, nice and smart?

 

I'm reminded of another poster, Isolde, who seems to have a similar problem with guys, which I find remarkable given how kind, intelligent and interesting she seems to be.

 

Then I'm left scratching my head with some (not all) of the women that these guys fixate on.

 

I know everybody has a different type, but given that every guy who stuck around longer than a single date ended up liking me, I feel like there's something else going on. I wish people weren't so quick to judge.

[Jersey Shortie]

It seems to me that alot of men today, even average or below average guys think they deserve some porno babe.

[shadowplay]

It seems to me that alot of men today, even average or below average guys think they deserve some porno babe.

 

I don't know how high their standards are, but I'm cute and in shape. I just don't get it.

[bean1]

How are you presenting yourself? I always found that a pretty dress (to the knees and with covered shoulders) and some low heels, clean but simple hair and a little twinkle in the eye always leads to a 2nd date :-) Do you take interest in HIM? Ask him about his likes, dislikes, hobbies? Where are you meeting them? I met my SO online but I was very, very picky. My best first date (and last first date!) was at a popular restaurant, watching the hockey game (Canadian!) and having one drink. I politely said my goodbyes at 9pm and went home alone! What sort of impression do you make???

 

If you are shy, maybe you come off as disinterested?

[shadowplay]

Or maybe this is the problem

 

[kdark]

Maybe when you think you come off shy it seems like you are coming off as cold to men?and I don't think it has anything to do with looks. My girlfriend says that I am the first guy she has ever dated who showed 100% interest in her from the start, with no ambiguity. Do you get to know the guys you go on dates with before the actual date?

[shadowplay]

How are you presenting yourself? I always found that a pretty dress (to the knees and with covered shoulders) and some low heels, clean but simple hair and a little twinkle in the eye always leads to a 2nd date :-) Do you take interest in HIM? Ask him about his likes, dislikes, hobbies? Where are you meeting them? I met my SO online but I was very, very picky. My best first date (and last first date!) was at a popular restaurant, watching the hockey game (Canadian!) and having one drink. I politely said my goodbyes at 9pm and went home alone! What sort of impression do you make???

 

If you are shy, maybe you come off as disinterested?

 

I rarely wear dresses or skirts. Maybe I should start. It's partly that I prefer the way i look in jeans. I have a nice figure, but for some reason dresses tend to make me look blocky/stocky because they downplay my legs and although I'm thin my rib cage is kind of wide. It's hard to describe. I guess it might be worth trying anyway. All of my boyfriends have said that I should dress more femininely, but I've never really understood since I'll often show a little cleavage and wear tightish pants/shirts (nothing skanky, though).

 

I'm great at asking questions. Yes, men have mistaken my demeanor for lack of interest. But just as often men have apparently been turned off because I seemed interested or too interested. On my last date (over the summer), I was unusually friendly and confident for myself, and the guy was completely freaked out. Said I was giving off a "weird vibe." Then again it might not have been a date at all. He was somebody I very vaguely knew in college who asked me out for drinks, and he seemed weirded out that I was slightly flirtatious when we met up.

 

All this analysis always seems overkill. I feel like there must be something really obvious that's turning them off, as if I've been obliviously walking around all day with something stuck in my teeth and nobody's bothered to inform me.

 

Doesn't make a lot of sense.

[Kamille]

I agree, you definitely have a lot going for you. You're beautiful, intelligent and very sweet.

 

Maybe, like Kdark pointed out, your shyness makes them think you aren't that interested in them. simple tricks: smile, lean foward, touch their hands or arm when appropriate while talking.

 

I also wonder if maybe you might feel overly vulnerable while on dates. Do you go out hoping to get to know someone a bit better - or is your mindset that you hope the guy will fall for you? the first has always worked way better for me then the second. I'm more laid back on the dates and enjoy myself more. the result is usually a second date.

 

But these kinds of spell happen to many people. Just take it as a time to improve your dating skills and focus on other areas of your life which keep you happy.

[bean1]

I have to admit I have only had 2 serious relationships, but both of them started the same way than my other disasters. I went into it with no expectations and relaxed. I suppose that gives off a different vibe.

[Trialbyfire]

Try this shadowplay. If you find someone of interest, throw out one flirt. If they bite, throw out another one. If not, wander off before you become entrenched in the challenge which turns into a cycle of self-flagellation.

 

Also, it's not often a man's initial interest triggers on a deep discussion about Dante, American lit or yourself. Keep it light and entertaining. For that matter, get him to talk about himself with leading comments. Avoid direct, penetrating questions.

[loser101]

 

What I find really frustrating is that all of my relationships started with the guy thinking we had no chemistry based on a first impression and then completely changing his mind once his got to know me better. Usually within just one or two more dates (once I loosened up) he discovered that he really liked me. But most guys don't stick around to find out.

 

If more guys would just get to know me a little better, I'm sure that many of them would find themselves pleasantly surprised. But why are they so dismissive? Given that first impressions can often prove inaccurate, why don't people spend more time getting to know somebody who is at least cute, nice and smart?

 

I'm reminded of another poster, Isolde, who seems to have a similar problem with guys, which I find remarkable given how kind, intelligent and interesting she seems to be.

 

Then I'm left scratching my head with some (not all) of the women that these guys fixate on.

 

I know everybody has a different type, but given that every guy who stuck around longer than a single date ended up liking me, I feel like there's something else going on. I wish people weren't so quick to judge.

 

did you like every single guy that you felt rejected by? would you have given every single one of them a second date? probably not so I'm assuming you judged them just as quickly.

 

it's human nature, a lot of people go after those they click with straight away. I don't understand why you expect everyone else to put the effort in instead of trying to find ways to be more accessible in the first place?

[You'reasian]

It seems to me that alot of men today, even average or below average guys think they deserve some porno babe.

 

I think this is because attractive women go for alot of different kinds of guys - some not so attractive and you have your reasons.

[shadowplay]

I agree, you definitely have a lot going for you. You're beautiful, intelligent and very sweet.

 

Maybe, like Kdark pointed out, your shyness makes them think you aren't that interested in them. simple tricks: smile, lean foward, touch their hands or arm when appropriate while talking.

 

Thanks for the kind words, Kamille! You're a sweetheart. I used to think it was mostly that I wasn't giving them the greenlight, and in some cases I think it legitimately was, but now I'm starting to wonder if it isn't also something else.

 

Most recently guys rejected me when my interest was abundantly clear. In fact, on the semi-date- thing with the guy I was obsessed with over the summer he seemed weirded out that I was at all interested.

 

Experiences like that have made me very wary of being flirtatious at all. I've even gotten paranoid that guys have misinterpreted my friendliness as interest when it's not. There was another guy at my internship over the summer who I didn't like but made an effort to be friendly to, and I got the sense he thought I had a crush on him because he was excessively rude to me.

 

I also wonder if maybe you might feel overly vulnerable while on dates. Do you go out hoping to get to know someone a bit better - or is your mindset that you hope the guy will fall for you?

 

This is very true. Because the dates I have are so few and far between, each one takes on extra importance. I get incredibly nervous.

[loveslife]

This is very true. Because the dates I have are so few and far between, each one takes on extra importance. I get incredibly nervous.

 

I bet this is it.

 

As I was reading through these posts I kept saying to myself, I bet she gets nervous. This causes the other person to be uncomfortable, too. And sometimes people misunderstand nerves for insincerity.

 

The times I have been most successful with men during initial meetings is when I'm the most relaxed. People who are looking for a relationship are looking to connect. They want something real.

 

I've been told a lot that I'm not like other girls because I'm more real, don't play games and guys like that.

 

If I were you, I'd focus on trying to be yourself. Trying to enhance your sense of self, as opposed to some dating technique.

 

Make sense?

[shadowplay]

Try this shadowplay. If you find someone of interest, throw out one flirt. If they bite, throw out another one. If not, wander off before you become entrenched in the challenge which turns into a cycle of self-flagellation.

 

Also, it's not often a man's initial interest triggers on a deep discussion about Dante, American lit or yourself. Keep it light and entertaining. For that matter, get him to talk about himself with leading comments. Avoid direct, penetrating questions.

 

Thanks for the input. I'm terrible at flirting, so what's an example of a good flirtatious line?

[dreamergrl]

Maybe when you think you come off shy it seems like you are coming off as cold to men?and I don't think it has anything to do with looks. My girlfriend says that I am the first guy she has ever dated who showed 100% interest in her from the start, with no ambiguity. Do you get to know the guys you go on dates with before the actual date?

 

I've had this problem before. I am shy with certain people, sometimes even shy enough where I get nervous. I never realized how it reflected on my face until it was brought to my attention. I realized I was giving off WAY the WRONG vibe.

[westernxer]

Thanks for the input. I'm terrible at flirting, so what's an example of a good flirtatious line?

 

You can flirt just by employing your wit. If it goes over his head, then maybe he's not bright enough to be with you.

 

Happens to me all the time. LOL

[shadowplay]

did you like every single guy that you felt rejected by? would you have given every single one of them a second date? probably not so I'm assuming you judged them just as quickly.

 

it's human nature, a lot of people go after those they click with straight away. I don't understand why you expect everyone else to put the effort in instead of trying to find ways to be more accessible in the first place?

 

Actually, I DO tend to give guys more of a chance than they give me. If they meet some basic requirements (I find them physically attractive, they're intelligent and seem nice) I typically give them a few dates before I make a decision. In fact this is usually enough for me to embark on a full-blown relationship with a guy, so maybe my standards are too low. In the past I had long relationships with guys I wasn't attracted to simply because I was happy that anybody liked me. I've learned not to do that again, but bottom line is I'm far from picky. What bothers me isn't that some guys I'm interested reject me, but that most guys I'm interested do (at least recently).

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks for the input. I'm terrible at flirting, so what's an example of a good flirtatious line?

I'm not big on generic lines. They usually come across as contrived. Tailor it to the individual. Also, it's less what you say and more how and when you say it. Keep it light and reliant on your style, either cute/funny, off-the-wall a bit/funny or something just plain fun. Even if you intend on teasing someone, don't put a guy down on the initial flirtatious remark, if you're interested. Save that for later, when the two of you have a comfort level with each other, enough to know that it's not intended in a negative way.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thanks for the input. I'm terrible at flirting, so what's an example of a good flirtatious line?

 

Focus on flirtatious body language. Leave the flirty lines up to the guy for the most part.

 

Actually, I DO tend to give guys more of a chance than they give me. If they meet some basic requirements (I find them physically attractive, they're intelligent and seem nice) I typically give them a few dates before I make a decision. In fact this is usually enough for me to embark on a full-blown relationship with a guy, so maybe my standards are too low. In the past I had long relationships with guys I wasn't attracted to simply because I was happy that anybody liked me. I've learned not to do that again, but bottom line is I'm far from picky. What bothers me isn't that some guys I'm interested reject me, but that most guys I'm interested do (at least recently).

 

Seriously, none of this makes any sense to me. A girl like you typically would have no issue. In fact I've seen downright Ugly women with all of your traits never have an issue with finding men.

 

I have to ask... where are you finding these guys?

 

Also, I am going off the assumption that you are cute. I have not seen a picture so I don't know for sure. It would be different if your like a 6 and trying to date guys who are 8 or 9s.

[shadowplay]

Focus on flirtatious body language. Leave the flirty lines up to the guy for the most part.

 

 

 

Seriously, none of this makes any sense to me. A girl like you typically would have no issue. In fact I've seen downright Ugly women with all of your traits never have an issue with finding men.

 

I have to ask... where are you finding these guys?

 

Also, I am going off the assumption that you are cute. I have not seen a picture so I don't know for sure. It would be different if your like a 6 and trying to date guys who are 8 or 9s.

 

I'm as confused as you are, which is why I keep feeling like there's something obvious I'm missing or in denial about.

 

In terms of looks I can't judge myself objectively. I used to think I was attractive because that's what I saw and other people confirmed it, but I'm starting to wonder because of how men treat me. In fact I had body dysmorphia for many years because I assumed I must be terrible looking based on how invisible I was to the opposite sex. But unlike most people with the disorder, I didn't see myself as ugly when I looked in the mirror. Instead my reflection didn't square with how men treated me in real life so I assumed that my perceptions must be really off.

 

I'm thin and have a nice enough body (7 at least). Don't know about my face. At worst it's no less than a six, and I don't go for guys who are exceptionally attractive. I'd say the men I shoot for are usually (lookswise) in the 6-8 range, but leaning towards 6 or 7. I've never gone for somebody who was that handsome.

 

What I wouldn't give to know what it honestly was, even if it hurt.

 

I tried asking one of the guys who rejected me, but he gave me a vague answer. That was a stupid move. I guess I'll never know.

[Star Gazer]

Also, it's not often a man's initial interest triggers on a deep discussion about Dante, American lit or yourself. Keep it light and entertaining. For that matter, get him to talk about himself with leading comments. Avoid direct, penetrating questions.

 

Very perceptive, TBF. I've always sensed that even I'd be intimidated in Shadow's presence (if I were a man).

[westernxer]

Very perceptive, TBF. I've always sensed that even I'd be intimidated in Shadow's presence (if I were a man).

 

I think she would probably turn me on. LOL

[Star Gazer]

Shadow, IME... you come across a very, very, very DEEP - emotionally, intellectually, philosophically (like most good artists). For your average Joe, that's a little... uncomfortable to be around on a regular basis. HOWEVER, I do NOT for one second think you should change that aspect of your personality. There are men out there who would adore that part of you. They're just not going to be your everyday, average guy.

[Trialbyfire]

I think she would probably turn me on. LOL

shadow, this is westernxer. westernxer, this is shadow!

 

*hobbles away in her duena outfit*