carhill Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Your error is in thinking that the only path to reconciliation is continuity of contact. Do you think she's going to completely forget you if she truly loves you?
Author Cristoforo Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Obviously not. I'd say the fact that she just sent me a text message shows she still cares and hasn't forgotten. But, its hard for me to imagine a reconciliation if neither of us are communicating with one another. At some point, contact will have to occur, am I right?
carhill Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Yes, and healthy contact will occur when your intrinsic emotional preconceptions of it are gone
Author Cristoforo Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 She just emailed me at work saying I shouldn't go to Texas because of the swine flu. LOL. Why is she acting concerned? What is her motive?
quankanne Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 basically, she needs to know that even though she shxt-canned you, she still has some say ... or control ... over the things you do. I know you want to get back with her, but at this point, the best thing to do IS go cold turkey so you can work her out of your system. So that you can gain control over your life, instead of waiting like a friendly puppy for attention. Once you are able to do that, THEN the playing field is more even because you are your own person, and not just someone who gives into the other person every single time because you're afraid to be without that person's love. Until you can do that, she really isn't going to respect you. And a healthy relationship is built on respect.
Author Cristoforo Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 Get a load of this...so my ex calls me tonight and even though I shouldn't have, I answer it. We talk for a little and she says that this has been really hard for her too and that she misses me and misses seeing me and talking to me, BUT, she says she still feels the same way about the relationship and about ending. She says this isn't want she wants and that she didn't want things to work out this way, which doesn't make sense to me because if she didn't want this, why is she letting it happen? I tell her that it is hard for me to hear her say things like "I miss you" and its hard to even talk on the phone with her or think about her. She still doesn't understand how I could remove her for my life and would be surprised if I did but it is my decision. This conversation just confirms that I need to stick with NC for now and I really wish I hadn't broken it by taking her call. If she keeps saying she misses me but that she still feels the same way about the relationship, I don't think I could handle it.
EmperorR Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Get a load of this...so my ex calls me tonight and even though I shouldn't have, I answer it. We talk for a little and she says that this has been really hard for her too and that she misses me and misses seeing me and talking to me, BUT, she says she still feels the same way about the relationship and about ending. She says this isn't want she wants and that she didn't want things to work out this way, which doesn't make sense to me because if she didn't want this, why is she letting it happen? I tell her that it is hard for me to hear her say things like "I miss you" and its hard to even talk on the phone with her or think about her. She still doesn't understand how I could remove her for my life and would be surprised if I did but it is my decision. This conversation just confirms that I need to stick with NC for now and I really wish I hadn't broken it by taking her call. If she keeps saying she misses me but that she still feels the same way about the relationship, I don't think I could handle it. selfish selfish this is what they do, my ex is the same, "i love you", "i think about if i made the right decision every day blah blah", if I was younger and dumber I would think hey, but I'm not and I know its a crock of sh*t and just strining me along giving me false hope.
falseprophet Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 She wants to be a part of your life because she wants to make you miserable. Ex's are bad news, I learned that first hand. The simplest thing you can do is forget her and move on, assure her you will keep in touch but as soon as your out, drop her. Change your phone, don't give her your addy, do whatever you need to do to get her out of your life. Heres the thing, if you find someone else and you end up falling in love your ex will haunt you. Your new love will think you are cheating on her with your ex, especially if your relationship was serious. Secondly your ex will want to meet your new love and when your not paying attention she will most likely tell her what an a-hole you can be, truth or not, because she doesn't want you to be happy. Thats my advice.
Author Cristoforo Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 She wants to be a part of your life because she wants to make you miserable. Ex's are bad news, I learned that first hand. The simplest thing you can do is forget her and move on, assure her you will keep in touch but as soon as your out, drop her. Change your phone, don't give her your addy, do whatever you need to do to get her out of your life. Heres the thing, if you find someone else and you end up falling in love your ex will haunt you. Your new love will think you are cheating on her with your ex, especially if your relationship was serious. Secondly your ex will want to meet your new love and when your not paying attention she will most likely tell her what an a-hole you can be, truth or not, because she doesn't want you to be happy. Thats my advice. I respect your opinion, but I really don't think she is trying to make me miserable. At least I hope she isn't. I just think she is really confused.
Author Cristoforo Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Some pretty crazy new developments in my situation: She calls up last Thursday and wants to get together. She breaks down and starts crying and asking why this had to happen. She brings up the past again and the things I said to her and says how she just can't get over it. She says she has been very depressed and this has been really hard for her too. I tell her its been hard for me as well and that we've needed time apart. She says she wants to get together next week but she doesn't want to talk about the relationship and instead focus on positive things and the things we have in common. Its midnight, last Thursday going into Friday and I get another call from her. She is hysterical and is claiming our dog is missing. She had been out drinking and had let him out and he didn't come back. I get in the car and start heading over to her place to help look for him. She finds him soon after and I turn around and go back home. She starts talking about everything and how she is really depressed and that is really hard for her living on her own without me and that her family and friends have made note of her recent depression. She brings up again the things I said to her in the past and how I got cold feet. She asks me "Why did you ask me to marry you if you felt pressured and didn't want to?" I told her this was false and that I do want to marry her and my feelings were temporary. She says it doesn't matter anymore. Next night, Friday night, I get another call from her, she says to me she wishes things were back to the way they were where we lived together and slept in the same bed, etc. She asks if I would come over and spend the night. I tell her no, I can't do that, and she gets really upset. As much as I would have loved to, I know I have to be strong and show her that I am in control. Next night, Saturday night, I get another call from her. She wants to hang out earlier than we planned. I agree. So I go to see her and we go out to dinner and we don't talk about anything negative and just catch up on each other lives. We had a pretty good time. At one point she said to me "I don't want you to think that we can never be together again and that things right now are permanent, that wasn't what I intended". I didn't question her further when she said this, but I plan on it when we see each other again tomorrow. I ended up spending the night Saturday night, we didn't get intimate, but we slept in the same bed. This is just all confusing to me and I don't know what to make of it. I want her back, but at the same time, I can't just wait around for her to change her mind. She says that we still could be together, but she doesn't say when. How should I proceed? Should I say that unless she wants to get back together, we can't hang out anymore?
CaliGuy Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 She's playing a game with you. She made a rash decision and MIGHT be regretting it. Right now you have to be strong. You didn't give up on her, she gave up on YOU! Always remember that. You are not the one who has to earn her trust back, SHE has to earn yours. Seriously. You need to continue with LC as much as possible. Don't initiate calls, end them first, be busy with your life and do the best you can. Do not give her milk, make her buy the cow! That means do not fill any emotional or physical needs for her right now. That is not your reponsibility. Right now she needs a crutch and if you provide it for her, she will keep you around until she finds someone new. If you really want to know if she wants you, deny her all physical and emotional needs. If she really wants to be with you, she'll beat your door down. If not, she'll get it from someone else and then you'll know for sure. You're doing the right things. Just don't hang out with her or try and comfort her. She made this bed, she can sleep it in.
Recommended Posts