Cristoforo Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I don't get her and I'm really starting to wonder if maybe us breaking up was for the best... I am moving out on Saturday and today we talk briefly and she is mad at me!! She thinks I have been acting like an a-hole these past two weeks since she ended it. She thinks I haven't been an adult about the whole situation because I have been ignoring her and when we have interacted, I was not in a good mood and acted upset. What the hell does she want from me? Then she says that me not wanting to talk to her again after I move out and wanting to have no contact with her is selfish of me and shows her who I truly am!! I feel like I can't win with her. She wants space, but then if I try to give her too much and not have in her my life for a while, she thinks its wrong of me to do. She keeps saying, "Well you put me through so much worse, so its not fair of you to cut me out of your life". I did put her through a hurtful time when I was unsure of marriage and had other feelings like depression and anxiety, but I worked through those issues, and I never broke up with her. I wanted to stay with her and work things out. I worked through those issues and knew for sure that I wanted to be with her and marry her. She can't get past that and always points to that as me hurting her way more than she ever hurt me. When I tell her that as long as I have the feelings of wanting to be with her and to get married and she doesn't, it will be hard for us to be friends and be in each others lives. She doesn't think that makes sense and thinks just because we've been through so much in our 5 years together, that we are automatically going to remain in each others lives as good friends. I don't know what she is trying to do but its annoying me. Yes, I hurt her when I got cold feet about getting married, but It was temporary, I wanted to work on things and stay together. She ended up breaking it off and now its still me who is doing the wrong thing. I am hurting, and the things I need to do to heal, in her eyes, is selfish of me. I really don't know what to do, because I don't want to push her away for good. At the same time, at this point in the healing process, its hard to be around her and have her in my life right now. Any advice on what to do in this odd situation?
Ronni_W Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I am hurting, and the things I need to do to heal, in her eyes, is selfish of me. You say some version of, "I'm sorry that you're seeing it that way and I totally accept your view of it. The fact of the matter remains, however, that it is what I will be doing. I have to take responsibility for my own healing and recovery." I don't want to push her away for good. You cannot have it both ways . You are hurting, and you are totally free to to do what you need to do, to recover from that. That is the choice you appear to be intent on making. That choice, however, brings other potentials into your reality -- like the one you are fearing. Maybe the question is: What is MORE important to you, right now? Your healing/recovery or keeping open a tiny window of hope/false hope. Wanting what you want is, of course, perfectly fine and appropriate. Wanting to keep HER on the "back burner" while you do what you want...not so much! That is, you need to set her free to do whatever in EXACTLY the same way that you wish to be free (to do your healing and recovery.)
headlesschicken Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 hey man it sounds to me like your entire relationship has turned into a competition, filled with oneupmanship and comparisons. there's no love only "shoulds". her attitude that you need to stay around because you've "done so much worse" is not about love it's about competition and manipulation. your question has the answer in it. your ex says yourrebeing selfish by doing nc. well if you really do nc, you won't hear her manipulative squawking, thus problem solved. it sounds like she's afrraid of losing her control over you so she's laying it on thick. do you really want to be with someone who plays games all the time and doesn't seem to know how to live without drama and manipulation?
quankanne Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 ts not fair of you to cut me out of your life silly girl, LIFE is not fair, so deal with it. basically, she wants a relationship with you on HER terms, and to hell with what's good for the both of you. Tell her flat out that if you two are not dating, there's no need to try to be "Friends" just because she refuses to be mature and cut the ties. That's not to say that at some point in the future y'all might start dialoging again, but for now, it's just not a smart idea.
EmperorR Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 tell her, I respected your decision for the breakup now please respect mine to cut contact with you.
mark982 Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 she's tring to control you, and keep you on a string. end all contact w/ her,don't answer texts,calls, letters,smoke signals.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Why would she be trying to control me if she didn't want to be with me? I don't get it. What does she have to gain from it? Is she trying to string me along in case she changes her mind?
carhill Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Classic female mind f*ck... Assuages her guilt, boosts her ego and keeps your ears burning with her friends. Best weapon is total black hole. Disappear.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 Trust me, I'd really like to disappear like that. But at the same time, I love her to death. I care about her so much and just wish we could be together again. I wish I understood women better. I know I need to do things for myself and not worry about her. But it is hard when for the past 5 years, all I did was worry about her! Which brings me to one of the problems of our relationship, I lost myself in it. I became so consumed with her and my world revolved around her, I lost any life I had outside of her. Totally unhealthy. I need to work on myself and realize you don't need a girlfriend/fiance to make you happy.
carhill Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 That's precisely why you need to disappear. Because you love her so much and gave yourself completely to her. I know your pain. Doing this will be harder than anything, perhaps absent losing a loved one to death. You will mourn death. It is death. She needs to respect your mourning process. If she doesn't, take unilateral action.
Chinook Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I go with Carhill. She doesn't really want you, she just doesn't want to lose the ego-feed you provide. She doesn't know this. You have to be careful with NC though. You use it as a means to move on and to heal... not to bring your ex back. There are other ways to do that but mainly, it will only happen when SHE wants it to. You have no control over bringing her back to you. I personally, won't be able to go back. Can't do it. Once they hurt you at that level... they're capable of anything. Not someone I want to have my back in life. No sirreee.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 Chinook, so you are saying that if you were in my shoes, you wouldn't take the person back if they came back? I know right now if she did, I would! But, perhaps if some time passes and she comes back, by then, I will have decided I no longer want her. We'll see what happens.
carhill Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Once you heal, it is possible to have a completely new and different relationship with the person, one on healthy terms based on the changes you achieved during and after NC. Of course, the other person will have had to change as well and relate to you in a new, different and healthier way. Actions never lie This is the purpose of NC, to mourn the death of the relationship, to learn from it, both about the R itself and also your role in it, and grow from that introspection and process. You can re-invent your feelings. I've done it. Done right, it can be tremendously positive and inspiring. You won't know until you try...
Author Cristoforo Posted April 26, 2009 Author Posted April 26, 2009 Doing this will be harder than anything, perhaps absent losing a loved one to death. I just moved out today and I haven't even started NC and it is just so hard! We had brief contact today as I was moving out. I told her not to be around the house but then she texts me saying she is showing up to get some stuff. Once again, her needs were more important than respecting my wishes of not having her around while I moved out. But oh well. After I finished moving everything out, I called her and left a message telling her that I had gotten all my stuff out the house and that she could come back to the house. She never called me back, and of course, I am hurting. I just want to hear from her, I just want to talk to her. I want nothing more than to see her and to hold her. I started crying numerous times while I was moving stuff out, I just can't take this.
playlislay Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 Read the story briefly-did you actually tell her that you were going to ignore her or go NC? I think it helps to let the other know and your reasons behind doing so. But before you do that you have to have 'the talk', which you proably have, but sometimes people NEED to get their emotions out and talk things through with the other, whether it be for closure and understanding, or just for understanding. I was extremely hurt when my ex went NC without tellking me, I thought he was a complete and utter c*nt (pardon my french) for not acknowledging me or giving me the chance to talk things through. Ive lost all repsect for him because of it. If he would have told me that he was going NC then I would have understood instead of feeling like an idiot and hurt over him not responding to me. But thats him for you-never tells you straight. Give her the chance to talk, especially as it seems that you still want to have her? (you cant have your cake and ea it mr!!!!!!) and if you decide to go NC then TELL HER befor hand. Geeze, you men are sooooooo hard to understand! lol!
carhill Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 NC = no contact IC = individual counseling MC = marriage counseling
Chinook Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 Chinook, so you are saying that if you were in my shoes, you wouldn't take the person back if they came back? I know right now if she did, I would! But, perhaps if some time passes and she comes back, by then, I will have decided I no longer want her. We'll see what happens.Cristoforo, that's exactly what I am saying. My ex dumped me after a period of insecurity (me) caused by his ambivalence towards me. During that time, he procrastinated and hurt me so much that I could never take him back. He grew angry about things I had no control over (his job, my job, the economy etc) and classically blamed me for everything from him being late, to not being able to perform sexually - somehow, everything (and I mean everything) was my fault. He would never call me, text me, mail me or lately, see me. He grew more and more ignorant and avoidant, making me seem needy and irritable when I questioned what was going on with him. He basically checked out of the relationship months ago without telling me. Eventually, I told him that I would not consent to allowing him to become the injured soldier and I would not dump him. So eventually he grew a back bone and dumped me - blaming me in the process, saying I was too high maintenance (I don't think seeing each other 2x a week and sms 1x a day is particularly needy but there you go). In addition to that he came to Canada with me at Christmas. Canada is one of those places for me where everything is special. I go snowboarding there every year - now those memories are tainted because he is there and the only reason he went was because he didn't want to be alone at Christmas rather than to be with me. He has continually gaslighted me, lied and avoided me. He still has various items of my clothing and books and my house keys and has been asked on numerous occasions to return them but he wont because he knows once he does, he's history. So no... I will never take him back because although I love him, I don't want him messing with my head for the rest of my life. I have been through much worse things than a breakup and I will get over him eventually. It will take time but I can wait. Anything is better than the way he was treating me.
7117 Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 Well who cares what she thinks your gone moving out starting over sounds to me like she wants to control you and cant.She has no clue what your doing I love it good luck buddy wish ya the best.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Its been 4 days and I haven't heard from her. Doing NC is extremely hard for me because all I do is think about her practically every second of the day. I keep thinking about all the good times we had, I keep thinking about how a little over 4 months from now, we were supposed to be married. I keep thinking "what if I would have done things differently?" I am blaming myself every day and I don't know how to stop. I know that it isn't solely my fault, but it was my actions and the expression of my feelings that set this mess into motion. Instead of telling her my feelings of insecurity about myself and marriage, I should have just worked them out with my therapist. I know now the feelings were temporary and I would marry her tomorrow. I just wish things would have turned out differently. I know I need to be working on myself, but it is just so hard when you've invested so much time into a person and now they no longer want to be with you. How do you forget the last 5 years of your life? Now I'm fearing she has forgotten about me. Even though we both agreed we needed space, and that I wasn't sure when I would want to speak with her again, I am interpreting her not contacting me as her not caring about me or forgetting about me. I am being paranoid and thinking that she thinks that I don't care about her because I'm not contacting her. I just wish she would call me, and I want nothing more than to talk to her. I am thinking of maybe sending her a text message that just says "I hope you and Pumpkin (our dog) are doing well". Nothing more. Would this be a bad idea? I don't think it would convey desperation or show her that I am miserable. I think its an innocent text that would show her I still care. Should I send it or not?
carhill Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Continue to read and post here and in the NC threads for support. When you reach a point where your feelings do not rule you, and this may take months, then it is appropriate to test your process with contact if you so choose.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Why exactly is it a bad idea to just send a text that says "I hope you are doing well". I wouldn't be expecting a response, so I wouldn't be upset if I didn't get one back. I just want her to know that I care about her, maybe thats a bad idea?
Author Cristoforo Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Oh the irony!! A minute after my last post and what do you think happened...I get a text from her asking "Are you going to Texas?" I had to go to Texas earlier this week for work and she sort of knew about it. I just got back last night, and now she's asking me If I am going. I assume its because of this swine flu crisis and the fact that a child died in Houston from it. Should I just ignore this text and wait for the one that says "Please be careful, I don't want you to get the swine flu"? LOL.
carhill Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 OK, I'm going to say this gently, and I speak from experience here... You have to alter your thought processes. Just the fact that you're reading her texts and posting here about whether to send an e-mail or not means you're thinking about her and breaking NC. Reading that text is breaking NC. Do you understand? This is about breaking the chemical bond in your brain. You're a heroin addict in detox. Really, it's that serious. Doing this makes you healthy and in no way lessens her value in the world. She's a valuable person. A good person. A lovable person. Accept that. Accept that it's not healthy for you to think about her for now, nor accept or initiate contact with her. It's so simple and at the same time excruciatingly difficult
quankanne Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 cris, close the door completely and move forward from now on. No contact means dead air, silence, no fishing in that spot again until further notice. Missing her and thinking about her is one thing, sabotaging yourself is another. take her off your IM list, block her number, unfriend her from your internet accounts and just walk away. it seems cruel, I know, but you need to see that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. And you're not going to make progress if you constantly second-guess yourself. my guess is that she knows she's got you where she wants you, and that you're going to jump every damned time she "chooses" to get hold of you. Do you really plan to be someone's puppet the rest of your life?
Author Cristoforo Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 No, its just hard because I want more than anything to reconcile with her. I just don't know how to go about accomplishing that if I completely cut her out of my life. I guess it is up to her whether or not she wants to be with me, but I cut myself out of my life and she gets the message and stop contacting me, how will I know if she wants to get back together? I know I shouldn't focus on getting back together and instead should be focusing on myself, but why should I give up all hope of reconciling?
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