beyondsad Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Our R has been great - he's doing everything he can I have given him another chance BUT when we run into the OW it send me into a tail spin of emotions. I am such a strong woman dealing with the kids, the house a demanding job and feel I am a good problem solver all day long . I run into her and I am back to day one. We are going on 8 months since discovery and to the best of my knowledge it it is over between them but living in a small town I will forever be running into her. What can I do to let it go. My heart pounds, I feel lite headed and weak and then I just clam up and am a mess. I always end in tears and feel like **** for a day or two. Why can't I just let it go how can she have the power to reduce me to a emotional mess every time I see her. The worst part is my husband he looks so visibly upset for me and wants to make me better. He says he's sorry but he just wants me to let it go. I think that if I left him I would still forever me running then into both of them . I love my H and I want my family intact but I feel so overwelmed when I see her. That same old question keeps running in my mind- how could he do this to me?? I put on a good front to all my friends, I try to hold my head up and act like she is nothing but a stupid uneducated whore that she is but inside I am so embarrassed that the man I loved more than all could put me thru this. I t still surprises me that he wants to work it out - before A I catered to him , did everything I could to show him how much I loved being his wife and it wasn't enough. Now I am a mess and he loves me . What the F?? Any ideas? I am on anit-D and have been to mc.
bentnotbroken Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 The usual answer, time and maybe counseling. I also see the ow, it is hard in the beginning. But as I regained my focus it became easier and easier. Visualization helped me. While looking at her, I saw something else. Or I would picture her in different situations that regained my power and control. Hang in there, it will get better.
2sunny Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 why don't you guys move? seriously, no one says where you live now is the only place to be. i'd want a fresh start - and the opportunity and peace of mind that being in a new area can provide. if you both have new surroundings without the constant reminders then the focus can be on your recovery and moving forward. the only thing that could keep you from this idea is a closed mind or a lot of excuses. this could be a much better way to keep the momentum going in the right direction.
Snowflower Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 The worst part is my husband he looks so visibly upset for me and wants to make me better. He says he's sorry but he just wants me to let it go. I might be just misunderstanding you here but I hope your husband isn't telling you to let it go just because HE THINKS it has been long enough. Maybe what you are saying is that he is hoping that you having to see the OW will stop being so upsetting for you-kind of like you are moving forward. Hopefully what you husband means is that he doesn't want YOU to let it bother you--not because HE thinks it's time for you to let it go. See the difference? Anyway, I agree with 2sunny here that maybe you and your H need to consider moving away. It has to be so hard for you to have to keep seeing her--a constant reminder of what your H did. And since you live in a small town I would think that you would have to continue to see her from time to time. Sometimes a fresh start-a different house, a different town, meeting new people is just what you need to move forward. FWIW, it has been 5 months since my H confessed. Like you, I decided that our marriage was worth keeping and things are going really well between us. It is like we have found a whole new relationship. The OW in my situation does not live anywhere near us but I am also craving a fresh start. There are just too many painful memories here. I just want to start over somewhere else where NO ONE knows what happened (not that all that many people know-but a few people do), with new surroundings and new opportunities. I know economy is difficult right now in terms of jobs but moving might be something for you to consider-for your own healing.
NoIDidn't Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I might be just misunderstanding you here but I hope your husband isn't telling you to let it go just because HE THINKS it has been long enough. Maybe what you are saying is that he is hoping that you having to see the OW will stop being so upsetting for you-kind of like you are moving forward. Hopefully what you husband means is that he doesn't want YOU to let it bother you--not because HE thinks it's time for you to let it go. See the difference? . I'd go even further and say that he is saying to her to let it go and looks so visibly pained because he is getting tired of seeing the pain in her eyes. He needs her to let it go so that he can avoid that feeling. Hun, it only been 8 months. He needs to let it go and understand (and do more than tell you to let it go) that this is a very fresh wound to you. How would he feel if the tables were turned? That's the way he should start acting towards you. You are going back to square one because your husband isn't helping you on this journey and he's supposed to. And, what do you mean you've "been" to MC? At this point, you should still BE IN MC. Who's idea was it to quit so soon? Find another counsellor and go by yourself if your H won't join you.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I put on a good front to all my friends you shouldn't have to put on a front for anyone. there is a guy in town that puts on a front, he knows his wife cheated, but tries to act like it doesn't bother him and keeps her for whatever stupid reason...I know its because she is stick thin and attractive. But he shouldn't have to live like that...i don't call that living. I try to hold my head up and act like she is nothing but a stupid uneducated whore that she is understandable...but if she is that, what does this make your H? but inside I am so embarrassed that the man I loved more than all could put me thru this. I t still surprises me that he wants to work it out - before A I catered to him , did everything I could to show him how much I loved being his wife and it wasn't enough. Now I am a mess and he loves me . What the F?? Any ideas? I am on anit-D and have been to mc. Not trying to make you feel bad, but have you ever considered that he wants to "work it out" so that he doesn't lose his home, 1/2 his retirement, have to pay money for a divorce...etc.? He may want to work it out for convenience and to not have to go throught the pain of divorce. Maybe what you need to do is quit putting on a front to everyone. Don't be embarrassed that your H is a cheating d!cksmoke. Its not your fault. If anyone should be embarrassed if you stop putting on a front to everyone, it should be your H. And maybe you need to just sit him down...AND EXPLODE! You tell him you ran into her, tell him how humiliated you are, and just let it all out!!! He needs to know, and he may realize it already, that you are in major pain and that you don't see any end to it as long as you have to constantly run into her and that everyone in the town knows. But it wouldn't be good old Dex of me if I didn't say you should divorce his butt. But you probably don't want to hear that. So what about moving to a nearby town?
2sure Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 This is hard. First off - KNOW that as each time you see her passes, as difficult as it is - it will get easier. And easier. In fact, each time you run into her is a step closer to the time when seeing her will barely register. Meanwhile, you said something that is of concern and addressing it might help. You asked how/why she has the power to make you feel this way. Well, you know the answer. She has the power because you are giving it to her. Easier said than done, I know. But its the truth - stop giving her the power. You are holding your head high, putting on a good face. While others have told you that its ok to be emotionally honest ...Since you have taken the route of recovery, I think in this instance putting on a good front is healthy. As it gets easier to see her, while you are focusing on holding your head high...soon you will feel the confidence you are trying to project.
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