Author triathlongirl Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Thank you everyone for your input. Chinook- your point about him "cancelling" plans in an attempt to see if I will respond over the top raises some awareness with me. I have noticed this lately- nothing too obscene though and I haven't made it a big deal- I did notice to myself it was unlike him but didn't think anymore of it... more like making plans with me that I know, he knew, could not be kept- which confused me a bit- why would he even bother? But needless to say I take it all in stride as I can't seem to convince myself we are anything but friends here- even if all signs point the opposite- has anyone else had this problem at these stages? Maybe some sort of denial? Another question to everyone engaged in these affairs- how often would you even hear from your MM on a regular basis?
norajane Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 But needless to say I take it all in stride as I can't seem to convince myself we are anything but friends here- even if all signs point the opposite- has anyone else had this problem at these stages? Maybe some sort of denial?The worst part of denial is refusing to face up to your own actions - the things YOU are doing to to encourage a flirtation, to encourage developing this relationship, to encourage him into taking this further, to encourage him into...what? Forget about what he's doing, why, or how. Consider ONLY your actions. Do you look forward to seeing him? Talking with him? To his emails and IM's? More so than if it were one of your girlfriends? Do you write and reply as you would to your girlfriends? Or do you treat it more as a game, a flirtation? Do you get a sense of validation from his attention? Does it make you feel special? Do you react differently to his attention than you would to another friend's, like one of your girlfriends or a guy friend you have zero attraction to? Do you feel a little more charming and attractive and witty and sparkly when you're with him or talking with him? Can you look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say that you don't think of him any differently than any of your other friends? That you aren't encouraging him at all? That you aren't flirting? That you can really characterize your flirting as harmless and not "flirtation with intent"? At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what HE is doing or intending or thinking. What matters is what YOU are thinking, intending, and doing. The only time his intentions and thoughts matter is if you care about him and care about having him. Why do you care so much about characterizing his behavior? Is it because you want to encourage him into an affair? Or because you want to shut him down if he might be getting the wrong idea? Why is it so important for you to KNOW what's going on and to put a label on it? What if we were to convince you it was nothing, just friendship? Would you be disappointed? Relieved? What if we were to convince you it's not just friends? Would you continue your behavior as-is? Or would you stop?
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 But needless to say I take it all in stride as I can't seem to convince myself we are anything but friends here- even if all signs point the opposite- has anyone else had this problem at these stages? Maybe some sort of denial? Another question to everyone engaged in these affairs- how often would you even hear from your MM on a regular basis? 1. Its denial. You are conflicted about it, yet you want it on some level and 'friends' seems to work in that you are getting what you want without crossing any personal lines. 2. You'll see him when he has the time and inclination to see you. It varies really. Usually it is a lot in the beginning, and when the 'newness' wears off it will be more of a matter when he has time to pencil you in. Its a fairly simple process for a MM/MW really. You hook the OP with initial attraction and interest, reel them in with 'friends' and simply wait for them to say "I know we are friends, but I have feelings for you". Then you act surprised and conflicted, get their sympathy to make sure they stay locked in, and then proceed with the affair. If you get busted or bored, you end it. It sound brutal and ugly, but for those of us who (were) notorious cheaters - that simply is how it is when you strip away the lovey dovey romantic stuff. At the very least, if you go into this - go into it with eyes open. You are on the precipice of being the OW (in a sense you already are, he just hasn't locked you in yet), and he will keep you for a while and then more than likely cut you loose when the time is right.
jj33 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 The mere fact that you are asking how often people hear from their MM shows that you want to be the OW and that you are not going to set your own terms. In that case, welcome to a world of waiting and pain and feeling insecure about a relationship that is going nowhere. Best of luck to you.
2sure Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 As to how often OW hears from MM....thats easy, a lot. Affairs are 95% cell phone calls, texts, emails. There isn't much more a MM can offer in the way of quality time , so these communications fill up the space for OW who are content with a virtual relationship. The bad thing with all the communication is that there is a paper trail or proof of all the communication and this is how most Married people get caught. When its a work thing, the sh*t hits the fan and careers are affected. Your MM has obviously done this before, its easy to tell just from the verbiage he has used with you. That might be good - because maybe he is experienced enough to not get caught...BUT the fact that he is fishing for it at work tells me he isn't that smart. Plus - the fact that he is bothering to hide the fact that he is training with someone at work, even a woman - screams that his wife already doesn't trust him . You are going to get caught up in some drama here. If you like that kind of thing, have fun. I have been OW. In my experience, Karma catches up with you.
Author triathlongirl Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I really appreciate everyone's input. I can empathize that this isn't the easiest of topics to discuss, and please don't get me wrong I am not seeking out this awkward position. I have just found myself here all of the sudden, and now at this point am starting to backtrack to all of my actions and take note to see what is really happening. I might very well be confused enough to be seeking out an affair as some of you have mentioned- it's just the part about me being a good person, and not wanting to inflict pain on others- yet I still ended up in this weird state of mind? If you were to ask me if I want to be in an affair I would say absolutely not. I guess my actions are reacting in a different way though- I am naturally being drawn in and more attracted to someone who is married. It's not something I am proud of... and I am only seeking insight from some of you who may have been through this before and might be able to help guide me to the right feelings- what is a real feeling... and what is simply "want what you can't have"... And I guess deciphering what his actions mean is kind of pointless... but it's all I have right now. I don't want to jump the gun in the event that we are in fact just friends and it's all in my head. I am admitedly naive in this sense.
Liquid Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 And I guess deciphering what his actions mean is kind of pointless... but it's all I have right now. I don't want to jump the gun in the event that we are in fact just friends and it's all in my head. I am admitedly naive in this sense. Are you still spending time with him alone or allowing him to spend time with you alone? The answer to the above question will say what kind of person and woman you are.
Author triathlongirl Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Are you still spending time with him alone or allowing him to spend time with you alone? The answer to the above question will say what kind of person and woman you are. Not at this time, no.
Reggie Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I would not rely on feelings at all in choosing my behavior in this area. Strictly use your intellect and apply your moral code. Following feelings , while romanticized ad nauseum, is really a bad way to go. Gets one in all types of bad situations.
jj33 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Triathalon Girl my comments are not meant to make you feel bad and I am not moralising, but you are VERY naive. If you are feeling this much confusion when you are only training with him you will feel AWFUL if you let this go further. You are as someone said on the precipe of making a VERY big mistake. And you have the power to control your actions. You may not be able to control your emotions, but you CAN control your actions. Its part of being an adult. You are looking at a train wreck and saying well I cant stop myself from waiting on the tracks for the train to come. If you let this go further, you arent taking good care of yourself. You will be hurt, his W will be hurt and you WONT feel good about yourself. You already dont. You are already pining for a man who you arent sure is romantically interested in you - whats going to happen if you sleep with him and you hear from him when he gets a chance? he is NOT planning to leave his wife. No matter what you think that is not his plan. He is planning to have a little fun on the side. Yes there are exceptions but this man does not sound like one of them. he has made it clear he is selfish (I do what I want to do). And you are clearly not strong enough to set ground rules that will make the relationship work for you. Deciphering his actions is pointless. He is married. Even if you were sure he wanted to sleep with you, what would that change? Im sure you are an attractive woman and many men are interested in sleeping with you. He still cant offer you what you want other than sex when he has a few minutes of free time. Maybe he can give you an hour or so after a run, or steal time from his family pretending he is training - is that REALLY what you want. Its not going to get any better than that. Its clear from your posts that if you go into this you will be posting in a month or two saying I am in love do you think he will leave (NO). Why go down that road? Wake up.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I am naturally being drawn in and more attracted to someone who is married. You may want to consider discussing this with a professional and try to get to the bottom of it - otherwise, it will surely be the thing that crushes you in then end. You are at the point in the beginning where you are blinded to how it will end. Trust me, it isn't pretty. You will hurt. You will cry. You will feel like you are dying from the inside out. As intensely as you love, you will hurt just as intensely.
norajane Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I guess my actions are reacting in a different way though- I am naturally being drawn in and more attracted to someone who is married. Just because you are attracted doesn't mean you are a terrible person. However, it also doesn't mean you should continue allowing this attraction to grow. We feel attraction to many people over the course of a lifetime. That's what happens when you get to know people and begin to admire them and see their good points. But we certainly don't act on all our attractions, and a married man falls into that category because it will bring you nothing but anguish. Maybe if you realize this man isn't as great as you perceive him to be, it will be easier for you to step back. For all that he has qualities that attract you, keep in mind that a truly good man wouldn't want to put you in the position of having an affair, drawing you in only to sneak around and lie, all for some crumbs of his attention. NO MAN is soooooo attractive that you should put your life on hold in order to hang around the fringes of his life, waiting for his marriage to end, which it won't. I don't want to jump the gun in the event that we are in fact just friends and it's all in my head. I am admitedly naive in this sense. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're just friends and if it's all in your head. It doesn't matter what HE is thinking at all. The fact is you ARE attracted and you ARE being drawn in. Regardless of how thinks of you, in your mind, YOU are feeling something for him. So YOU need to step back and stop with the flirting and emails and IM's so that YOU can detach from the unhealthy attraction you already feel. It's up to the moth to fly away from the flame because it's the moth that is attracted and it's the moth that will get burned.
Mimolicious Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 You're putting yourself in a situation where this is going to lead into an affair and you will be the OW. Right now it's an inappropriate friendship, and the fact is, you do have feelings for him...Fact his wife doesn't know about this 'friendship' shows that isn't a good one for his marriage. He's being selfish by having you quietly on the side. If you were his 'true' friend, you would have met his wife, his kids even, and had dinner with them all.. But you haven't..He's hidden you, a secret from everyone. 1200 emails about what? Flirting? Sexual tension? Getting to know eachother? In a span of how long? See, you're filling in a need of his, something that's missing inside of him. You may think it's okay and harmless, but you're allowing yourself to become attached..And he IS married and this isn't going anywhere. Put yourself in his wife's shoes for a minute. Sure, he's acting totally inappropriately here, but imagine you finding out your husband doing this behind your back..And you knew the OW knew he was married with kids from day one. Why bother with this friendship? All it will do is prevent you from opening your heart to another (single, available) man. Could not have said it better! and on top... you may be putting your job on the line. JEEZ! 1,200 emails... The It guy must be loving it. JK! You still have time to walk away from what could turn messy. It's true, he could have integrated his W and family into this "friendship".
jj33 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Yes this guy COULD have integrated his W and family into the friendship (or at least been honest about who he was training with) but he didnt because he has another agenda and Triathalon Girl is falling for it hook line and sinker. Please please get ahold of yourself before you get into something that will be very painful for you.
2sure Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 This girls head is going straight for: "The Heart Wants What It Wants" Like its a noble thing, that cant be helped. STOP YOURSELF. This is nuts, and if you were able to look at it objectively you would realize it.
jj33 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Well said 2sure. Self destructive behavior is never noble. Triathalon Girl, you are approaching this as if you are looking to win a great new job and are preparing for the interview process. This guy is not a trophy. hes someone else's husband with NOTHING to offer you. You are letting your romantic fantasies take you in the wrong direction. 1200 texts and emails or whatever they are mean nothing in terms of whether he would ever have deep feelings for you. Stop looking for signs that he wants you and start asking yourself why you want to put yourself in a position where you are guaranteed to wind up heartbroken. Yes it works out sometimes (very rarely but sometimes) but not when it starts out like this.
Meaplus3 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Stear clear of him on a personal level. It's very easy to cross the line from a so called "platonic" friendship into an emotional affair or even full blown physical affair. I've been there and it's not worth it one bit. So much pain, heartache and grief and you can avoid it all. Mea:)
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