triathlongirl Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I am new to this site- and new to having thoughts about being The Other Woman. The reason I am posting is that I'm not sure if I'm heading into a situation that might turn into an affair- but I wanted some feedback. A coworker and I are friends, more like email friends as we don't work in the same location. We have been out a couple times for drinks the two of us alone, but just as friends I feel since he is 15 years older than me and married with children. I do not think his W knows that we are friends. He doesn't hide or complain about his W and family- and tells stories about them and seems like he has a very satisfying life. Recently we started training for a triathlon together as he is starting to get involved in the sport (he was not aware that I was already doing this in my free time) and we have been training on our bikes together on weekends and some nights after work- we usually have a drink after and hang out for a bit- but his W doesn't know he is with me. He hasn't told me that but I have figured it out overtime. He keeps saying that he does whatever he wants and she never asks any questions. Sometimes I wonder if he says this to lay the ground line? But he is not making a move on me or being inappropriate in any way... so at what point are we just friends and at what point does this become a different situation? I am close to him, I can message him at any time and he will respond within minutes no matter what= I feel like we have a connection. Recently I deleted our message history and it was over 1200 emails back and forth. Just usual chatter but he is a very busy person and always makes the time for me. What does this mean? Or am I turning this into something it's not?
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 You're putting yourself in a situation where this is going to lead into an affair and you will be the OW. Right now it's an inappropriate friendship, and the fact is, you do have feelings for him...Fact his wife doesn't know about this 'friendship' shows that isn't a good one for his marriage. He's being selfish by having you quietly on the side. If you were his 'true' friend, you would have met his wife, his kids even, and had dinner with them all.. But you haven't..He's hidden you, a secret from everyone. 1200 emails about what? Flirting? Sexual tension? Getting to know eachother? In a span of how long? See, you're filling in a need of his, something that's missing inside of him. You may think it's okay and harmless, but you're allowing yourself to become attached..And he IS married and this isn't going anywhere. Put yourself in his wife's shoes for a minute. Sure, he's acting totally inappropriately here, but imagine you finding out your husband doing this behind your back..And you knew the OW knew he was married with kids from day one. Why bother with this friendship? All it will do is prevent you from opening your heart to another (single, available) man.
Lizzie60 Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 It could very well turn into an affair.. easily.. I think he's probably just 'studying' the situation (and you) and waiting for you to make a move or waiting for the ideal time to make his move. I think you probably know if he's really interested in more.. or if he would be interested.. my bet is that he is.. very much so.. It's really up to you.. do you want to be part of his life.. on the side.. or do you want to just remain friends... methink, if you just want the friendship.. then you should be honest with him..
Athena Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Hmm what do you mean you do not know if you are heading to be the OW?! Don't you know it is in your hands? Do you WANT to be his OW? Or are you leaving it up to him to decide your position? Let me tell you what I think about men and women being 'friends'... it is possible, but you -- the WOMAN must make it perfectly clear from the get go that you are not interested in being anything more than 'just friends'... if he still hangs around after that (and you have made it very clear!!) then he will understand its only as friends. Having said that, I want to ask you -- did you make this clear to him? Do you think of him sexually? Are there comments from you and him to this end? How can we posters know if you are just friends or the OW unless you tell us what you are thinking, and how the two of you behave towards each other. By the way, my H (an experienced cheater) uses that technique as one of his ploys to get younger women -- he acts the perfect gentleman with them, and NEVER makes a move on them, until he has them Emotionally hooked on him! Then they are putty in his hands! Ugh
carhill Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Tell him, in light of how well you now know each other and seem to get on well, that you'd love to meet his family. I'm sure they'd all love to meet the lady who he's training for a triathlon with. That's a big deal His response will tell you everything you need to know...
Lizzie60 Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I agree with Car.. tell him, if you want this to remain a friendship that you'd love to meet his W.. It reminds me of my daughter who became friend with this older guy.. I think he's older than I am or about my age... they met 13 years ago... I met him today, for the first time.. He's a pilot.. a very nice, smart guy... They have remained friends for all those years.. her bf has met him.. she met his W.. they talk on the phone ... It OK to have a large circle of friends, if that's what you want.. but you need to be straight forward about it..
sugarmomma Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Sounds like he is laying the foundation for an EA first. Are you guys physically attracted to one another? If so, I would say cut off all communication with him because he knows exactly what he is doing. Having an affair is the worst thing inthe world a single woman can do to herself. He says that he can do as he pleases? I bet he can't spend the night with you or come to change your tire at 3am. RUN RUN RUN!!! I just got out and I would never even talk to a guy in a relationship let alone develop a connection. Please don't do it.
norajane Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Hmm what do you mean you do not know if you are heading to be the OW?! Don't you know it is in your hands? Do you WANT to be his OW? Seriously - what do you want with this guy? If you don't want to be an OW, don't be. Sounds like you're intrigued, though, and giving it some consideration. Consider that you've already wasted 1200 emails worth of time on a married man with children while you could have been spending that time meeting, flirting with, and actually going out on real dates with a guy who can be your boyfriend and maybe eventually a husband you can start a family with. You'll never get this time back, never. So don't waste any more time and energy flirting with someone who has to hide you from his wife.
carhill Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 OP, considering you're a triathlete, I'll presume you meet and interact with numerous male athletes. Any other prospects? How much of your time and attention is being spent on this MM? I'm just curious and perhaps it might mitigate the propensity for us to focus solely on a potential EA or more. The more options you entertain, the less important this MM will seem.
Athena Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 RUN RUN RUN!!! Please don't do it. Yes, Run, but do not run with him anymore! Run away from him...
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 No, you aren't friends. Friends is the last thing on his mind. Men don't seek out women and do things in the way you described for 'friendship'. They seek out women and do things the way you described because they want to have sex. Period. If you want an affair, then keep seeing him. If you don't, then tell him you aren't interested and stop hanging out with him. You don't have to worry about losing a friend, because he isn't your friend to begin with. All you will lose is a typical MM who wants to f*ck around behind his W's back.
LakesideDream Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 OP, you didn't mention whether there is a sexual attraction between you two. Thats an important consideration. I have related my experiance with a young lady I shared a mentor/friend relationship with for a few years. The only glaring difference I see from reading your post is that my then wife was very aware of the friendship, and the young gal was welcome in our home (or so I believed at the time). The age difference was the same too, about 15 years. While my friend was "cute as a button" there was no sexual attraction. The attraction was intellectual. Happily I was able to enjoy a friendship while helping a young business lady get started out after college.
Author triathlongirl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 We just recently over the past few months became more friends outside the workplace. We've always been in touch over email nothing inappropriate - some borderling flirting messages- but nothing that would indicate this was a red flag. But it was more than that, just the dependency that there would always be a response right away- - more the emotional level behind it. I was never attracted to this person initially but have found it is starting to grow on me- and you're right- as inappropriate as it is I am starting to consider and wonder naturally- that part could just be me though and not him. I have never made a move to demonstrate that- but am a shy person to begin with so I know it would never happen. I did meet his W awhile back before all this and the family at a function and therefore I am a recognized person to them. I don't know but usually if I run into them they would never mention he was training for the gold triathlon so I assumed they didn't know I was also training for this together... a few other things I noticed but then realized for whatever reason I was kept a bit on the down low. But who knows? When we are around each other at work events I ignore him and he never approaches me liken you would a normal friend- even though we would have been chatting all day and week- so maybe there is some sexual tension or feelings of inappropriateness in front of otherse? I've never been in this situation before in my life so the last thing I want to do is think too much into it and discover it is just a friendship and nothing more... I could use the test about hanging out with the family but I think that would be awkward and he doesn't seem to mind talking about her and the kids when we;re together he doesn't hide his marriage except he doesn't wear a ring. I am feeling emotionally connected to him- I think that goes both ways. I don't know about sexual tension but I am feeling more attracted to him these days which must be a growth on the emotional level? I am confused. Why else would he want to hang out if not for just friendship? He isn't trying to kiss me or make moves on me... is that weird too? He is willing to come out for drinks with my friends I tossed that out one day to see and he said sure. Is that wrong though? Could he still mean just as friends?
Liquid Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Seems like you're not officially the other woman, but you don't mind being one if ther opportunity present itself, since you're doing nothing to avoid it. As matter of fact, you're doing lots of things to invite it. Are you okay being the mistress?
norajane Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 the last thing I want to do is think too much into it and discover it is just a friendship and nothing moreReally? Does that mean you WANT this to be something more? Do you WANT to be an OW? Have an affair? Wait for stolen moments when he can get away from his wife to see you, hide from people at work, hide from and lie to everyone? Fall in love and cry your eyes out every night because he's home with his wife and children while you're home alone praying he gets a divorce some day? Post on Loveshack again and again wondering why he won't leave his wife? Read the threads in this forum. Being an OW is not all fun and frolics.
fooled once Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Sounds like you want to be the OW. You state you are shy; yet you email him and text him constantly. You are intrigued by him, you like the attention a man 15 years old than you is giving you. Why do you email him and text him? Do you not have any other friends? Back off from him and only email him regarding work stuff.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 MM usually don't just jump you at first opportunity. He is hanging out with you and getting to know you, just like any other guy who wants to eventually have sex with you. If there were no attraction whatsoever, I doubt he would spend time with you at all, much less go into 'borderline flirting' or take the pains to hide your "friendship" from his wife. If you want to see how interested he is in just friends, suggest a double date with you and some guy and with him and his wife. Tell him that you are really interested in getting to know his wife since you and he are going to be friends and that you wouldn't feel right being his friend without being his wife's friend too. If there is no attraction, and he wants only friends then this will be no problem. Chances are though if you suggest that stuff you probably will find that he isn't so interested in spending time with you and you'll likely hear a lot less from him, if at all. Trust me - I've been him. Many, many times. It is not just friends. It is a 'getting to know you' phase followed by an 'oops we had sex' followed by repeated sex. Then, eventually it will end. He will still be married and you will be alone. If that sounds good to you, go for it. Otherwise, don't play the 'friend' game. He isn't interested in just friends and neither are you.
Goldstar Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 When we are around each other at work events I ignore him and he never approaches me liken you would a normal friend- even though we would have been chatting all day and week- so maybe there is some sexual tension or feelings of inappropriateness in front of otherse? Oh I recognize this behavior. You want more. So does he. You really need to back off now. Please don't go there, it is so painful. Focus on a single available guy. Keep the friendship by befriending the wife.
sadintexas Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Wow. He sounds just like my xMM. Seriously, from the not wearing the ring, to the type of exercise and activites, his responsiveness, to his MO. Wouldn't surprise me if he's cultivating a new OW since I gave him the boot . Oh, why did I give him the boot you ask? Because he turned out to be yet another selfish prick who wasn't interested in fixing anything in himself or his life and wanted to have his cake and eat it too at everyone else's expense. He's a conflict avoider and would rather escape into fantasy than have to live his real life. Pretty much the same story you read on here time after time. You think HE'S different and YOU'RE different, but rarely is that the case. But here's the deal with you. Without even going into detail about how you feel in your post, I know you're hoping there's more and that's why you're here asking. If you weren't interested, and the thought that he might want to cross the line came into your mind, you'd be gone. You wouldn't be here trying to decipher it all. Tread lightly because as appealing as you can make this out to be in your mind, when the reality of it hits you, it sucks big time. Unless this is the type of situation that works for you (and for some here it does), you're in for one helluva roller coaster ride. Mark my words...you don't know pain yet. Once you're done with this, you'll be pain's best friend for a good long time.
BrotherD Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 But here's the deal with you. Without even going into detail about how you feel in your post, I know you're hoping there's more and that's why you're here asking. If you weren't interested, and the thought that he might want to cross the line came into your mind, you'd be gone. You wouldn't be here trying to decipher it all. Tread lightly because as appealing as you can make this out to be in your mind, when the reality of it hits you, it sucks big time. Unless this is the type of situation that works for you (and for some here it does), you're in for one helluva roller coaster ride. Mark my words...you don't know pain yet. Once you're done with this, you'll be pain's best friend for a good long time. SadinTexas... My cup runneth over...Such insightful words. Spot on... Triathalongirl...Take heed...
sadintexas Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 SadinTexas... My cup runneth over...Such insightful words. Spot on... Triathalongirl...Take heed... Thank you BrotherD. It's just unfortunate that knowledge comes from personal experience. If she's anything like me though, she's STILL going to believe they and their situation is different despite what is said here and she's going to walk that path anyway. She will go through what I and so many others have, and she will be posting this same message to someone else in a year.
SummerLady Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 It could very well turn into an affair.. easily.. I think he's probably just 'studying' the situation (and you) and waiting for you to make a move or waiting for the ideal time to make his move. I think you probably know if he's really interested in more.. or if he would be interested.. my bet is that he is.. very much so.. It's really up to you.. do you want to be part of his life.. on the side.. or do you want to just remain friends... methink, if you just want the friendship.. then you should be honest with him.. Lizzie your picutres are hysterical. Now I want a boob job!!!
girlwithglasses Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I hate to break it to you but that's exactly how I fell in love with my husband. He was married to someone else when I met him. We became the best of friends and honestly I never even saw it coming. Just be careful because emotions can sneak up on you when you least expect it. Knowing what I know now, I would not recommend getting that close to someone's husband. After we got married, I asked my husband about our early friendship. He told me he knew exactly what he was doing from day 1. He said he knew he wanted to be more than friends from the beginning.
Chinook Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 The fact is, doesn't matter what anyone here says, even though we've all seen it a million times here... they're still gonna go there. Why..? Because they both already invested far too much not to do so. This situation is a classical "getting OW used to the idea I'm married". That means getting you to accept sneaked conversations in email & text, you're already avoiding contact in public company. Sorry but friends or partner, I like to be able to talk to the people I care about. The next thing to come will be some cancellations to check you don't freak out & go bunnyboiler on him. From there it will all be fair game. But you're too far in now to back off. Only way now is to see how the moves he makes pan out & decline.
jj33 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 He keeps saying that he does whatever he wants and she never asks any questions. Sometimes I wonder if he says this to lay the ground line? But he is not making a move on me or being inappropriate in any way... so at what point are we just friends and at what point does this become a different situation? I am close to him, I can message him at any time and he will respond within minutes no matter what= I feel like we have a connection. Recently I deleted our message history and it was over 1200 emails back and forth. Just usual chatter but he is a very busy person and always makes the time for me. What does this mean? Or am I turning this into something it's not? You know exactly what is going on here. He is priming you. "I do whatever i want" what does that say - it means if I want to sleep with you I am going to and my wife will not have a say in it. Your question are you turning this into something its not is VERY passive and suggests you are a very bad candidate for an affair. It is what YOU allow it to be. Clearly you want or think you want more from this man, but have you really thought it through? It sounds Ok when you are alone at night texting with him, but that is very different than being in a position where you are in an A with someone you have fallen in love with and cant share time with in any substantial way. You are painting a picture in your mind of how great it would be if you were in a romantic relationship. But think again. You are waiting for someone to bless your intended course of action. Noone can do that. You have to weigh the pros and cons. 1. Can you live with yourself knowing you are sleeping with someone else's H? Can you look yourself in the mirror and feel like you are a good person? 2. Can you deal with the fact that you will be a low priority in your lover's life (he will have reasons but still you will be a low priority behind wife children other family things and work and social life and and and) OWoman and others have managed to set different groundrules, but if you set those groundrules and he violates them, will you kick him to the curb so that this is on your terms? 3. What if you fall for him. The biggest mistake women make in these situations is that they think they can handle it. Very very few can. 4. If he were single and was seeing someone else would you be cool with that? If not, then an affair is not for you. 5. Do you want a full time relationship that has a future? If so an affair is not for you. Basically imagine he was single and there was NO chance (or next to no chance) that this would be anything other than a secret fling. That you could not see him on weekends other than for training; that you could not spend holidays with him; you could not stay overnight together (unless you have special circumstances that make it possible) you could not call him at night and talk to him whenever you felt like it.... etc etc.... Is that a relationship you would want? If all you are looking for is secret sex or friends with benefits on a very very limited basis and you know yourself well enough to know that wont bother you, and the moral implications dont bother you, then it may work for you. But you would be a needle in a haystack. Most people think they can handle it and wind up heartbroken.
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