My horrible breakup...

[sugarskies]

I was with a guy for a year and a half. I completely fell totally and utterly in love with him. He was my first love and first really serious relationship. Well about 3 months ago he broke up with me. He claimed I was too negative and got too jealous over things, we fought a lot.and other stupid excuses. Well, this made me feel completely horrible about myself. I kept thinking, I'm the one who drove him away..it's all my fault. I screwed everything up. I begged and begged him back. Well, one night I went out with a "friend" of mine who I was in a play with for dinner to vent. She ended up telling me in the car that she had sex with him last year while he was with me, and she decided to tell me because she got to know what a great person I was and felt horrible. Which is NOT a good enough excuse, obviously..I pretty much had a nervous breakdown in the car not knowing what to do and I cried in her arms, even though I was completely disgusted with her and hated her. I was just too in shock to to take it all in at that moment. Well, I texted him telling him "thanks for telling me you bleeped her" and he texted back telling me he didn't know what I was talking about. Too bad he didn't know that she was sitting right next to me and texted her asking why she told..and then he called her..and well surprise, **** hit the fan. We eventually met at a park and I threw punches at him and threw a water bottle at his head. He broke down crying to me telling me I haunted him and he can't imagine even being in another relationship right now but we can't get back together and he misses me and he just went off into memories and all this crap and he tried to make me promise not to tell anyone..pshhh. Basically a bunch of BULL****. A week later he has a new girlfriend. I compared myself to her, still do sometimes..I think about them all of the time..it hurts. I have nightmares about him still. Everywhere I live there is a memory of us..things I do, how I was, random things like songs, tv shows, silly things, even video game characters, the living room couch, my car, actors, movies, puppies, WHATEVER, you name it..it all kills me still. And then I also found out from friends he was telling them he was thinking about breaking up with me way beforehand and just pretending..and the night before he went down on me. And that's something I only do with someone I love and who loves me back and wants to be with me..and he KNEW. I'm really sensitive and careful about all of that stuff..I was planning on making love to him, for him to finally be my first..but he dumped me before we did it. I'm thankful NOW..but sometimes I think if I had given it up he would still be here.

 

I've already deleted all contact with him, I have controlled the urges to look at his things..I haven't looked at anything. Networking sites are absolutely EVIL during a horrible break up, I deleted my old myspace and facebook. I accidently saw a new picture of him and his new girlfriend with the "people you may know" option.......so pretty much every horrible thing that could possibly happen has happened. Except for running into them..and I hope I didn't just jinx myself. Life could hopefully spare me that, you know?

 

A few weeks ago he facebook messaged..out of all of the people to reach out to..MY sister. Telling her the guilt ate him up everyday still and it still made him feel sick to his stomach..asking her for advice. Saying he missed the family. Asking how I was. Even though he has another girlfriend now..he's obviously using her as a rebound, right? If he's not even over what he did. How can a relationship fully function and be healthy with all of that? My sister told me after she got back from a vacation, and said she deleted it..I'm pretty sure to spare me anymore horrible feelings and so I wouldn't dwell on it.

 

It HURTS so bad...I felt so completely used. I've never felt so much pain in all of my life..honestly. I know its been 3 months now.....but all of those things happening so rapidly and all in that short amount of time...it's SO much. It isn't as bad as it was at first, but it's still pretty bad. Him dumping me FIRST, me finding out he cheated AFTER, and then him getting a new girlfriend so quickly. I had no power in anything, you know? It's still hurts so incredibly bad...sometimes I think I'm good, whatever, then the next day I'll just break down crying not wanting to take it anymore. He moved on so quickly.. It hurts to know that I was true in the relationship and the person I thought I loved wasn't even real. I don't know how much worse it could have gotten.I wish everyday for the person I thought I had back, I miss him so incredibly much. But I know that's not possible..no one ever made me laugh more than he did. He was the cutest and most handsome guy..to me at least. We could talk about anything. I told him everything about me...I just was so in love with him....

 

I just hope one day I'll find someone who can make me laugh even more..and be true to me, and be greater than his illusion that he put up.

 

I just really needed to get this all out there....seeing how there are so many other people in my pain here..hearing anything anyone has to say would be so incredibly supportive and helpful..

 

I guess what I really want to know is..will I ever find anyone better than the person I THOUGHT he was? He was so perfect to me when I thought it was all good...even though it wasn't. The illusion he put up was everything I've always wanted in someone..

 

I'll talk to guys and everything..but then I'll end up comparing them to him, and I'll just hurt more and miss him

Edited November 30, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed personal info

[rainbowbrite]

i am SO SO SO sorry hun. this is so awful. i actually got teary eyed reading it. its quite evident that u love this guy and quite evident that hes an absolute d-bag. i kno how u feel in certain aspects. the whole getten another girlfriend right after thing, happened to me. it is the most upsetting and hurtful thing in the entire world. but i kno ull find someone who treats u with the respect u deserve. and good for u for not haven sex with him. u win in the end.

[Alex_M]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this now. Similar thing happened to me. Seeing them with someone else is horrific. Facebook and Myspace really are pure evil at a time like this, close em down and try to get on with real life.

[xpaperxcutx]

It's going to be okay, because I went through hell trying to forget my ex, and here I am a year and a half later, and I'm actually really happy.

 

You know something? You can bash him all you want, but that'll give him the pleasure of knowing you're still thinking about him. And that's really alright, because there will always be those days where the memories won't stop replaying themselves. Then there are the days where you wake up in the morning and the first thing you want to do is go out and pamper yourself. You shop around and buy clothes that make you look absolutely stunning, and you get drinks offered by strangers that by the end of the night, you're too tired out to think of anything else.

 

Those are the days that I cherish, and maybe you'll grow to love them as well. Because no matter how much hurt a guy inflicts on you, the thing that really matters is that you stand up in the end. And you sound like such a strong woman to me, I wish you all the best in the world.