The "I need space questions" again

[LeighG]

Hi all,

 

My G/F of 12 mths has given me the "I need space" line. But oddly enough I believe her. This is the situation thus far, so any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

G/F has been married twice. First hubby was a closet gay who didn't touch her from their wedding day onwards. That broke her heart as she adored him. Last 1 yr.

 

6 mths later she met hubby No.2 who she admits was a mistake. bad marriage, guy was verbally abusive and controlling. Last 8 yrs, but loveless for last 2.

 

6 mths after seperation she meets me. yay. Anyway, everything was FANTASTIC right up until 7 mths. We talked about moving in on occassion. She adored my son, and I her kids. Even the kids got on. Then she had a Mirena IUD inserted...one with homones built in. That same week she had the first of her settlement negoiations with the ex. That is still going.

 

last week she we spoke and she called it off...again (3 times total). Each time she has either called me or changed her mind.

 

Tue this week we have a 2.5 hr conversation. The upshot is:

 

Feels enormously for me (can't bring herself to say love).

Wished she didn't feel this way, and that she wants "it" to be me.

Says I'm wonderful, irrstiable and best friend.

Says we can get within arms length of a bed together because we will burst into spontanious sex.

Doesn't want me seeing other people.

 

Tue night this week she called me. I was VERY surprised. She was teary and asked me to come over which I did. We kiss and cuddle most of the night.

 

I spent all the next day with her and her son. Holding hands, chatting, cuddling and kissing in bed.

 

We have sex at midday.

 

no word since Wed this week.

 

...So tell me. This space, how can you have all that and need to be away from the person you just had such a great time with?

 

I know that "I need space" is usually the kiss of death, but am I wrong in thinking this could be a legitimate thing here? What with thw 2 failed marriaged and me so close together?

 

Any advice?

 

The next time we plan to see each other in next Tue, when she is having the hormone laced Mirena IUD remove. I offered to look after her son during the procedure.

 

How do I handle this?

 

Thanks in advance.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like she may be inexorably drawn to emotionally unavailable men, and tends to push away the ones who are emotionally available and treat her well. Some people need drama and misery the same way that crackheads need crack.

 

For whatever reason, she is done with you. Those 'great times' are probably largely driven by guilt than by a need to be with you.

 

Until she figures out what is going on in her own head, there is little point in you trying to figure it out.

 

You can stick around, but some people never do quiet their demons. You may be waiting a long, long time while she continues to get herself involved with men who aren't great for her, but that she can't help but to be involved with.

[sugarmomma]

I totally agree with LB. Also I had the mirena iud inserted and that thing will put a woman on an emotional rollercoaster. I had to have it removed because it cause d severe anxiety amd insomnia. I would give her some time and space-no sex- and let her get her mind together. Doesn't sound like she has ever given herself time to grieve the loss of 2 failed marriages. She really has a lot of work to do on herself and withyou in the way it will be impossible. I couldn't really take a look at myself until I was completely out of a relationship. We use people to buffer the pain of looking within but you need to allow her that time for reflection. She may not take it as it is a very painful process.

[LeighG]

Guys. thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

Although I don't agree with LB (with respect :-) ), only because what LB says sounds overly converluded.

 

I do believe that Sugarm is talking sense. It is difficult to know what is going on when she can't articulate it herself. Plus that f&^king Mirena is not helping matters one iota.

 

What I do think however is that she is being completely honest with me when she says "I just don't know".

 

The trick is, what to do? She mentioned that she has no right to tell me not to see other people, but by the same token is heartbroken at the thought of me being with someone else.

 

She is seeking counselling once she gets her blood tests back, and has I said she is having the IUD removed next Tue.

 

All down to crap timing by the sounds of it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Don't discount any possibilities - even the ones you don't want to believe or accept. You'll be much more prepared for the outcome.

[LeighG]

Thanks again for taking the time to write LB.

 

But no, I doubt that is the issue. It's pretty much over I suspect. The trick is handling it. It would be awful to conclude anything when in fact all I did need was time to let her sort herself.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Yeah, I agree - concluding at this point would not be helpful. Just keep your eyes open to any possibility. The more possibilities you are open to, the less you will be caught off guard.