I know I must move on, but how?

[SimplyIzzy2010]

I know I must move on, but how?

 

 

My freshman year in high school, I fell in love with a boy. We dated for two years, his sophomore and junior years. Now, he is a senior, and I am a junior. It has been exactly one year since he broke up with me. It was not a clean break, however. He would repeatedly come back to me, tell me he loved me, but that he just didn’t want a relationship, stay for a week or two, and then leave. Tell me he didn’t love me anymore. And yes, I dealt with that all year. All year he never let me go, he never dated anybody but he talked to girls and had fun and got drunk.

 

And I dealt with it. Because I wanted him back. I loved what we had. It was beautiful and I truly loved him. I loved that he made me feel beautiful, I loved that he was sensitive and he made me more human. Before him I was commonly known as “ice queen”. He asked me to marry him when we left for college. We had our kids names’ picked out. We had our colleges picked out so that they were not even a mile apart. I never saw the end coming. He had told me he loved me that very same day.

 

 

I cannot tell you how bad I’ve hurt this year. I recognize I’m better than I was when the break-up was fresh. Back then I shut myself in my room for a whole summer, lost 10 pounds, and spoke to no one. I was lost. Now, it is the end of another year. About 4 months ago he began a new job with this girl that I thought he would never be attracted to. He had told me several times when we were together that he though she was highly unattractive. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw them holding hands for the first time. I flipped. I texted him and said “What is going on?” And he told me he liked her. I was crushed. As I always do, I ended up bawling on the phone, while he called me pathetic and told me to shut up. I stayed away. I always do. But he always finds me, and I can’t ever not answer. He admitted he didn’t love me anymore though. Although he says he doesn’t want me now, he always gives me hope for the future. However, while he gives me that hope, he goes and finds her after every class and walks her to class. The most painful thing about that for me is that I take crazy detours to see him in the hallway, when he can care less if he saw me. He makes no effort to see me. Today was rough. H e told me he had asked her to prom. And I couldn’t even get to school. I laid here all day and cried. Every time I asked him something about us, he said “IDK”. “Are we completely over?” IDK. “Do you like her?” IDK. “Will we ever be together again?” IDK.

 

I remember telling him that if he dated anybody it would be the definitive end for us. And that if he didn’t I would be here, waiting.

 

 

But I deserve better.

 

I know I mustn’t hold on anymore. I know I mustn’t talk to him, I know I mustn’t care. I know he treated me like garbage. I know we have no potential future. I know he likes her, even though he says he doesn’t. I know that every time I think of them together at prom I feel like throwing up. I do everything to please him, including rejecting the sweetest guy ever to the prom, so that EX wouldn’t be angry. Yet he does this. I know he takes advantage of me, because I still love him. I know that he knows deep in his heart that he won’t find someone better than me. But he doesn’t love me. I’m his backup, he says. He says it’s better to be loved than to love. I want to be loved and love, ladies and gentlemen. I need to walk away from him, but I don’t know how. All I think of is… What if he comes back one day, and I don’t love him, and we were meant to be? Or what if I wait for him, and he never comes back?

 

 

Besides. He’ll be gone all next year.

 

 

I just love him. With a love that is almost painful. I don’t know what to do about all this.

Especially Prom.

 

 

Help me.

[What_is_love]

I really know how you feel. I dated my ex for 2 years. Thought I loved him and I really truly thought that we were meant to be. He was a Marine and I waited for him patiently and faithfully for more than 6 months.. till he came back.. and turned into a total jerk. He would constantly ignore me, and over and over again would go out and party leaving me home alone crying. Even on my birthday he left me alone to go party with friends and got mad at me that day and told me that "he wished I had the worst birthday ever". By the way, that was my 18th birthday. There's plenty more that I can type down.. of things he did to me, and I accepted them and forgave them because I truly believed that I was in love. I knew he would flirt around with girls... I knew he probably cheated on me.. but all this I accepted, again because I thought "I was in love".

 

But even after all this I couldn't build the courage to let him go, HE KNEW, he had me, & took advantage of this to the max. I also got depressed, my grades were no good, I lost a lot of friends, & even my family pitied me. Everyone would tell me the same things, "hes not worth it".. but i was blinded. By the illusion that I had of love.

 

One day though, I decided I was done being his floor mat. I got tired of being stepped on by him, & began to take care of myself. To worry about myself, and again to love myself. Because there is NO WAY you can love someone if you don't love yourself first. I started talking to guys again, started hanging out with my friends. & although he was ALWAYS in the back of my mind I slowly began to push him away. I began to realize that I had so much in life to experience, things he was holding me back from. & slowly I let him go. Told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Told him to just leave me alone. At first he acted like he didn't care. Then when he noticed that I truly was moving on, and saw that I had a new boyfriend, he began to constantly call me. But I simply didn't care anymore. I FINALLY had built up the self-esteem that he crushed.

 

I told you all this to see if maybe you learned a little from my experience. Don't let this guy take advantage of you anymore. KNOW that you're worth sooo much more. That there's plenty of guys out there willing to make you happy & willing to tell you that you're beautiful. You don't need to wait around for this idiot. Don't talk to him anymore & even if it kills you for the first few weeks, understand that you're doing it for yourself. To better yourself. Get yourself a prom date, and look BEAUTIFUL that night. Because by staying home crying your eyes out you're only going to boost his ego further. Remember, it's going to be your night, not his.

 

wish you thee best.

[SimplyIzzy2010]

Thank you. Thank you for your words. It’s so hard to remain in NC with him, but in two months he’ll be gone and I’m making sure he never hears from me again. I’ve been trying to get a prom date but everyone’s booked already, but it doesn’t matter, because I am going to look beautiful I’m fine during the day, except for when I think of him and get nauseated. It’s just so hard to understand why and how it all ended up like this, and how little he can think of me. Like your situation, this guy KNOWS he has me. He’s said it several times. When I ask him if he really thinks I’ll be around after all the lies and betrayal, he says yes. I don’t want to be that anymore.

 

 

How are you now? Have you found someone better?

 

Guys are so stupid. If a guy treated you like that, and you’re so pretty! Imagine the rest of us not so gifted in the looks department! lol

You know what? I think part of the hold my ex has on me is that he knows I have the worst self esteem ever, and he knows that I think I’m not pretty enough to find someone better. And he takes advantage of that, big time. =/

[EmperorR]

Girls are not any better trust me:laugh:.

 

 

And stop putting yourself down, confidence is a beautiful thing:). He's going away so you can do total NC and not look back, trust me you can do better, a guy that respects you doesn't string you along and truely love you.