Author 6MonthsIn Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Athena, If you don't mind me asking... What has happened since his first affair? Are you still together? In MC or IC? just confused about where to go...
Athena Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Athena, If you don't mind me asking... What has happened since his first affair? Are you still together? In MC or IC? just confused about where to go... Ours is a bit complicated in that we emigrated from our country to Europe, where H had to start moving around to do consulting on a short term contract basis (usually a 3 month contract to begin with, extended as needed) so it wasn't always feasible to uproot the kids and their schooling. Whenever he lived alone (and he really tried to set up a bachelor life for himself whenever possible!) he would inevitably start cheating again. Since his first affair he then had another three affairs before I realized he was cheating again -- so D-day 2 was about three affairs at once. Each time he swore he wouldn't do that again, regretted his actions, cried about loving me so much and never wanting to lose me, etc etc. Unfortunately, I took my M vows way too seriously, and always gave him the benefit of the doubt when he asked for forgiveness. .. until his recent affair #8 came to light a few weeks ago, I was hopeful that with my IC, our MC for a few months (any excuse from him to bypass that) and a 'show' of IC for him last Jan -- March as a last-ditch attempt to prevent me from divorcing him after his affair #7 came to light, he really never got the counseling to 'work'... sure he is a quick learner and picked up the lingo and the 'right things to say' from his counselor, but in the end, he still went back to doing what he was doing before! Here's the thing -- I have been told by our MC that he is narcissistic. I never knew what that was. I have read several books and lots of online articles and the diagnosis for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My H is not 100% classic NPD but definitely exhibits narcissistic traits. Recently I came to understand his character is severely flawed. Heck -- even he admits this. Even he (while begging me to stay with him, even go live with him now that the youngest is a freshman at college) realizes he has no right to ask me for yet 'another chance'. NPD is apparently not something one can 'change'... so unless I am willing to put up with this kind of M for the rest of my life... I know I have to divorce him. I married him at age 21, I am now 44... I have devoted 23 years of my life to loving and adoring this man, all to no avail -- he cannot help himself when it comes to having affairs... in fact, he lost his first W and child due to his several affairs (five in 6and a half years of marriage to her). In this case, it is true -- once a cheater, always a cheater. He simply cannot help himself, no matter what the cost to him, no matter the destruction to his own life. I do not know your H. But I can tell you something, if he has an addiction, or a personality disorder, the odds of your M surviving are slim to none, despite all the counseling in the world. Take a good, hard look at the man your H is. Do not see him through your rose-coloured glasses. Watch him for a long time to see how he behaves in all spheres of his life. Do not make the assumption, as I did, that your man is just like you! He may not be! And let me tell you something -- the spouses who are flawed know there is something wrong with themselves, and have learned how to hide it -- how to put a veneer of normality over it! If it is within your H's personality to cheat as long as he believes he can get away with it, then no matter what YOU truly believe, he will cheat again when the conditions are favourable to do so.
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