Moving on with my life. First post.

[Steadfast]

I have never posted my story on the internet before this. Many of the things I have read here have inspired me to share, so I will. The biggest challenge is to not ramble on and on...

 

My wife and I were married on Valentines Day 1992. It was my second marriage (with two boys, full custody) and her first. I was 31, she was 23.

 

Our romance and marriage was almost too good to be true. She gave me a son, then a beautiful daughter. There was a lot of pressure (going from no kids to four inside two years) but she seemed more than up to it. In fact, she was wonderful, even when my ex made trouble. Our home was full of music mad laughter, and it was easy being faithful and content to such a beautiful and caring woman. I must stress she is very beautiful; and has always attracted the attention of other men and liked it, even if she said she didn't. I understood. I am fit and intelligent. I had chances to stray. I did not.

 

When the older boys grew up and moved out, she seemed to change somewhat. Our sex life went from ok to far below average. her stomach...her arm...her head...always an excuse. She is very beautiful, but I tried to be patient and understanding. She had a miscarriage at 38, and that really changed things. Still, I felt we were close and strong.

 

Last year she was fired from her long time job, a victim of circumstances. By this time she was really distant, but when she got a new job in April about 20 miles from home (in a City Works department) she was happier, although the office was full of 'man haters' as she put it. I told her to be careful.

 

Within three months she stopped calling me at lunch to say hi, and by July it was clear there was something terribly wrong. Finally, she admitted having an affair with a coworker and, in turn, exposed a web of lies and betrayal. These quotes from her I will never forget: “I wrecked this”…”I don’t deserve you”…”It’s not you, it’s me” and finally; “I love you, I just don’t know if I’m IN love with you.”

 

Yes, I know. The kiss of death.

 

There is no point sharing the nightmare that was the next four months. I went through all the classic symptoms, and so did our teenagers, who were completely devastated. After one month, which was spent by her sleeping on the couch, endless texting, being incredibly cold, distant and hostile and taking off every weekend, I put it too her: I can’t be married to someone who is single. We stay and work on this marriage or you go. Within a week, she did, saying she ‘needed time to think’ and that it was ‘only temporary’ and that she had ‘no intention’ of seeing other men, claiming the affair was over. I later learned the ‘OM’ was much younger than her.

 

On a tip, I drove by her place late one night and saw a strange truck parked out front. Feeling as creepy as I have ever felt in my life, I parked and approached her door. Inside, I heard the sounds of sex in the livingroom. I even resorted to stealing her garbage and going through it, finding used condoms, lube and many, many alcohol bottles. I learned later, from her (in another confession) that this was a different man, although she will share nothing else. There was no doubt, so, even though it was the hardest thing I ever had done, I filed for divorce. It will be final on Monday. Our marriage is over.

 

Since I filed, her hostility has been replaced with a growing affection for me (‘I’m crazy about you, I always have been’) and a desire to ‘Keep me in her life’. She often acts victimized. Still, never a real commitment to restore our relationship or a real apology…only “I’m sorry I hurt you”. My main problem has been a sense of wondering of I could have done anything to prevent it, but she really did not give me any choice. At least she respects me now.

 

Her ‘no contact’ has turned into a cycle of texts and calls when she needs something or seems down. More than once she has told me she is ‘scared’ and expresses regret over all that has happened. Then again, once, after reviewing the divorce papers she said “The biggest mistake I made was not letting you move out when you offered.” This, after telling me that she had a change of heart and wanted me to move out so she could live with the kids.

 

In all, I don’t know what else I could have done. I have no idea what she is doing now…if she is seeing anyone or not. Our daughter says she texts with a ‘bunch’ of men and recognizes the name of the man she was sleeping with when I filed. Do tell.

 

Finally, she has kissed me, hugged me and told me she misses me. She hints for information regarding my personal life. She texts late at night. I told her again I was done, and that the whole world was hers to explore and enjoy… all of it, except me.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You sound like a man that has convictions and you dont compromise. That's good for you.

 

I dont understand that she could be saying all this ying yang while still F-ing other men? is she retarded or something? WTF is her issue?

 

And why did you marry a girl so young and who wasnt capable of even being married?

 

The age thing was a red flag you should have seen it coming.

 

I insist that you stay NC with her. Let the OM's keep her company.

[Steadfast]

You sound like a man that has convictions and you dont compromise. That's good for you.

 

I dont understand that she could be saying all this ying yang while still F-ing other men? is she retarded or something? WTF is her issue?

 

And why did you marry a girl so young and who wasnt capable of even being married?

 

The age thing was a red flag you should have seen it coming.

 

I insist that you stay NC with her. Let the OM's keep her company.

 

Do you know how difficult it is to talk to someone who's lying, and you both know it, yet they keep lying? It is hard to put into words. Perhaps she is more honest now, why lie? I really have no idea what's going on with her.

 

She was mature for her age. In fact, she isn't half the woman now (at 40) that she was at 25. She was very confident and caring. Even so, I gave her a chance to leave before we married (she had a nice out-of-state job offer) and she refused. Yeah, she was hot...a real prize, but that wasn't all. Since then, she's mentioned regretting a chance to 'experience' more life as a single young woman, but no one put a gun to her head.

 

No contact is hard when teenagers are involved, making it worse is that they live with me. I will not however, talk about our marriage anymore. I do not see any point...what more can I say or do? She had the ball, and dropped it.

 

 

Thanks for the encouragement-

[entityzero]

Hey mate im not usually a big advice or support giver as i feel busted and used myself, but your story hit a nerve with me.

I know what its like to see a car parked out front and confront your worst nightmares, that image will be burned inside my mind for a long time.

Im a bit younger (26) and recently got burnt and betrayed by my 19 year old ex, with a mate (32).

I know what its like to hear lies but you just dont want to beleive they are, and I know what its like to question what more you could of done.

 

My opinion is it all comes down to the fact that this is stuff she wanted to do but never did, i knew from the start my ex would be hard to pin down being so young and flighty, yet i still invested my whole life into an intense 2 years and am now paying the price.

 

So even though obviously our circumstances are a bit different, I share your pain and wish you nothing but the best of luck I truely mean that.

 

You sounded like the an amazing husband and a man with real balls to be faithful and stick it out for the long run, quite inspiring, and good things will come to you now because of that.

 

Everyone on here is heaps supportive, keep posting if you need, and good luck from Down Under!

[Steadfast]

I really appreciate that entity. I know I am far from the only person to experience this type of heart-wrenching pain, and that is why I choose this site to vent. The sincerity of the people here was touching, the pain shared.

 

Like you, I'm not much of a public person. No workshops or pity groups for me. I'd rather spend my time with my kids or doing something I enjoy. This forum however, is different. It is mostly read alone by those suffering. For that reason more than any, I wrote this. I was touched by others. My turn.

 

As bad as discovering her continued lies and cheating was, there was something even more disturbing about that dreadful scene. More than even the sex was the fact that my woman was in there with another guy. You ladies might not understand exactly how that feels to a man; who had vowed to love and protect his woman from harm. Something precious was taken from me. It is difficult to put into words. Again, I'm sure I'm not alone here, but there is no doubt that will stay with me all of my years.

 

But there was something worse: the abandonment. I can't express that yet.

 

So, in my case, I cope by looking ahead with the realization that: 1) For better or for worse, it was not my choice and 2) Time does seem to help dispel the anger and pain. There is the hope of happiness. That doesn't change the fact that I miss and love her...or that she doesn't love me.

[BW007]

What I really respect about your story is that you were "steadfast". I had a VERY similar experience of being cheated on and I was not as strong as you were at drawing the line. You eventually made her respect you. I still want my ex back like crazy sometimes (It is fading after a month and a half) and I think at times she could redeem herself, but the truth is she was a slut and broke trust and the old Humpty Dumpty relationship is hosed. One question I have though, can relationships EVER work after an affair or is it just perma-screwed?

I have lost 99.9% of my hope for her but there is still that darn .1% of weakness or longing.

[Dreaming69]

On a tip, I drove by her place late one night and saw a strange truck parked out front. Feeling as creepy as I have ever felt in my life, I parked and approached her door. Inside, I heard the sounds of sex in the livingroom. I even resorted to stealing her garbage and going through it, finding used condoms, lube and many, many alcohol bottles. I learned later, from her (in another confession) that this was a different man, although she will share nothing else. There was no doubt, so, even though it was the hardest thing I ever had done, I filed for divorce. It will be final on Monday. Our marriage is over.

 

 

Holy **** Steadfast, that has got to be a mans worst nightmare to actually come across your partner in the act of having sex with another man under these circumstances, how the hell did you manage to keep your cool in this situaton?. I wouldve been coming through the door guns blazing.!.. Good for you keeping it all together!.. Good Luck !

[Steadfast]

If it weren't for the kids, I would have rammed by truck through the wall. Was I shocked and brutalized by what I saw? Yes, but the nasty truth is, I needed to see it. I was 'tipped off' by someone who cared deeply about me and -as bad as it sounds- knew that I deserved to know the truth. Hair of the dog and all that. Saying it sucked doesn't cover it, but I did the time.

 

We sometimes forget that we can't make someone do what we want, no matter how right we feel we are. We only control us. I too made the mistake early on of trying to 'talk' and reason with her; profound things, but it fell on deaf ears. Why? Because she already knew. She knew what she was doing, she knew it was wrong. She knew it was hurting me, the kids and even herself but she did it anyway. Why? Because she wanted to.

 

This is written to give hope and encouragement. My ex-wife is a different person towards me now, even if that difference is simply respect for me as a man and as a person. "I am amazed at how well you've done" she said recently. Because of my years of love and dedication, she thought I would crumble. She thought my love and care was need, but she does not know was true love is. True love is a decision, not an emotion. I am attractive to her again because I have shown her -with my actions, not my words- the folly of what she threw away compared to what she's gained. I miss her, but she misses too. Do I want to punish her? Sometimes I wonder, then I remember that without trust a relationship is dead. Attraction is not love.

 

So far, she has not acted upon the key decision she would have to make for us to reunite. If she would, I would consider it. She must be able to tell me that she will do whatever it takes to properly regain her place as a wife and a mother. More important is what would come after that decleration; her actions. That's the key. See, without that it's waste of time. It is so hard to say the words 'Why would I want that?' when you love someone so much, but it is true. Coping is more than doing better, it's being better.