tirralirra Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Here's the scoop: I'm 22 years old. I'm educated. I'm passionate about my field of study, I'm looking forward to a bright future. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm happy, I'm surrounded by people who love me. Whenever I go to a party, I'm the center of attention. Everyone asks about me, and everyone turns to stare. I'm beautiful, I'm 5'6", 110 lbs. I'm very kind and very polite, but not a doormat. SO WHY CAN'T I GET A SECOND DATE?! I want to pull my hair out! I'm always getting approached by guys who aren't my type by a long run--I'm not picky by any means, but can't a girl have a type? Apparently not...I decided to be proactive and start approaching the guys that I was attracted to--at parties, at bars, on dating sites, wherever--If I manage not to scare them away, I'll get a first date. Everything seems to go great! I make sure that our conversations are two-way. We laugh, we smile. I dress appropriately, never too much or too little. I'm genuinely interested, I'm genuinely looking to make a new friendship--not find a husband--you know? I'm a fun girl, all of my friends tell me that I'm fabulous--they're as stumped by my problem as I am! Help!!!! What's going on here???
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 As strange as it may sound, have you tried asking any of the guys that haven't given you a second shot?
xpaperxcutx Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 You sound like quite a catch. Its the guys you're dating. Maybe they're very flaky. What type of men are you attracted to? And what type were you dating before?
Author tirralirra Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 @Athena - I have no clue whatsoever. I've been starting to wonder whether or not I'm completely mad. @SoulSearch - I've got nothing to lose. I'm going to try that. @paperxcut - I'm attracted to the intellectual/artistic type. I've tried dating everyone from older Wall Street suits to New Age yoga-holics (not my type! Just an attempt to expand the horizon) My friends say that maybe I'm intimidating and they're afraid of rejection, but I'm the one who's reaching out and getting rejected!
xpaperxcutx Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 @paperxcut - I'm attracted to the intellectual/artistic type. I've tried dating everyone from older Wall Street suits to New Age yoga-holics (not my type! Just an attempt to expand the horizon) My friends say that maybe I'm intimidating and they're afraid of rejection, but I'm the one who's reaching out and getting rejected! I don't understand how you're being intimidating. what do you normally do on a date? How do you interact with the men you're dating? Are you normally quiet or are the type that talks and smile every so often when they ask you a question? Describe your dating scenerios. Also, I would like to know how there's never a second date. Do they ever keep in touch with you afterwards? Or do they just disappear on you?
Author tirralirra Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Ok, here's my most recent scenario: I signed up on okcupid and was only getting messages from guys that weren't my type, so I decided to message this guy who struck my interest. We talked for a couple of weeks, and he describes himself as shy on his profile, so I suggested that we meet in a park that I had been telling him about in the city. He asked when I'd be free in the near future, and I said that I could meet up on Friday since I'd be in the city that day anyway. He said that he could only meet for about an hour, since he had to catch a train right after, and I was like, ok, cool. So we meet at the park. It's nice and sunny out. He greets me with a hug even though this is our first encounter. We talk about the park. We talk about this book that I have. He thinks it's really cool that I have this book. We talk about his job. We talk about future aspirations. Places we've been. Places we want to go. Television shows. Education systems in lower-income communities...We make lots of eye contact. We laugh, we smile. Then I walk with him toward the train. I don't follow him to the train, but I leave halfway to head to central park...this time he offers me a handshake first, which caught me off-guard, but we hugged anyway, and he says, well, keep in touch, we have each other's e-mails and phone numbers now. The end. I e-mailed him three days later to suggest that we meet up again. No reply in days. Once this other guy was soooo into me. He called me the day after our date to plan our second one--What kind of food do you like? Oh, do you wanna go here then? Or maybe here? I'm really looking forward to it! The day before he texts me that he's sick and has to postpone. The end.
alclarkey Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I'm new here, and this is my first post so you can take it with a grain of salt if you wish. My suggestion would be to have someone videotape you while you are out socializing. Seeing yourself in the third person may help you to figure out what is that is driving these guys away. Of course it would be better to see yourself on a date, but that would be kind of awkard. Also just try being honest with yourself and what you are truly like. If you can figure out what the problem is, then maybe you can fix it. Also, are you sleeping with any of them on the first date?
Author tirralirra Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 I was sitting here thinking about doing just that, or maybe having a friend watch from afar. I've been honest with myself--I've learned from past mistakes and made amends! It's specifically the men I'm interested in who never come back for seconds. I never sleep with guys on the first date--I've been there, done that in college, and I don't plan to go back. The very most that a guy will get is a peck on the lips, and the least is a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Ok, here's my most recent scenario: I signed up on okcupid and was only getting messages from guys that weren't my type, so I decided to message this guy who struck my interest. We talked for a couple of weeks, and he describes himself as shy on his profile, so I suggested that we meet in a park that I had been telling him about in the city. He asked when I'd be free in the near future, and I said that I could meet up on Friday since I'd be in the city that day anyway. He said that he could only meet for about an hour, since he had to catch a train right after, and I was like, ok, cool. So we meet at the park. It's nice and sunny out. He greets me with a hug even though this is our first encounter. We talk about the park. We talk about this book that I have. He thinks it's really cool that I have this book. We talk about his job. We talk about future aspirations. Places we've been. Places we want to go. Television shows. Education systems in lower-income communities...We make lots of eye contact. We laugh, we smile. Then I walk with him toward the train. I don't follow him to the train, but I leave halfway to head to central park...this time he offers me a handshake first, which caught me off-guard, but we hugged anyway, and he says, well, keep in touch, we have each other's e-mails and phone numbers now. The end. I e-mailed him three days later to suggest that we meet up again. No reply in days. Once this other guy was soooo into me. He called me the day after our date to plan our second one--What kind of food do you like? Oh, do you wanna go here then? Or maybe here? I'm really looking forward to it! The day before he texts me that he's sick and has to postpone. The end. Do you meet most of your men off dating sites? Internet dating is very unreliable, it places you in a position to get flaked out on. And do you normally discuss so much personal things on a first date? Avoid talking about yourself in so much detail until the 3rd or 4th date, it helps build mystery and keep the men wanting to get to know you more. I would think the date in the park was actually boring. You might have felt a strong sense of attraction, but I think he could have been secretly wanting to run away by the time you brought up the educational system. You should have went with a physical activity such as dog walking or playing frisbee.
Author tirralirra Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 I didn't bring up the educational system--he did!! Also, I was trying to avoid talking about personal things. Everything was really quite friendly talk about shared interests...At least I thought so...Wow, maybe I am a total nut. I'm new to the dating site thing, too. A friend recently suggested that I try it out, so I signed up about a month ago.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I didn't bring up the educational system--he did!! Also, I was trying to avoid talking about personal things. Everything was really quite friendly talk about shared interests...At least I thought so...Wow, maybe I am a total nut. I'm new to the dating site thing, too. A friend recently suggested that I try it out, so I signed up about a month ago. No, no it's not really you, I just think that the next time you go on a first date with someone, don't pick the park. I'm sure you know men are visual creatures, right? That's how most women get attention. You attract a men with your looks. Once you have done your baiting, you hook a man with your wit and charm. Scenario: You go on a first date with a guy to a restaurant. You look absolutely stunning in an evening dress, and he's more than happy to take your coat, and take out your chair for you. You then proceed on to witty chatter. He'll ask questions, you'll respond with a short answer and smile. You know you have his complete attention when he only takes his eyes off of you to look at the menu. Your subtle movements are important. Playing with your hair or twirling your hair in your fingers can be very coy. By the end of the night, you'll excuse yourself to the bathroom to brush up on your makeup. You can also help to foot the bill. You end things with a good night hug or a kiss on the cheek and you're on your way. Now I'm not saying that it should play out like this exactly, but you have to make the date memorable enough for him to make a second date with you. You're young so meeting men is not a problem. I just think you should meet them in real life as compared to online dating, because most men on dating sites are either desperate, or not really looking for anything serious.
RecordProducer Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Tirralirra, I think you're too good. Once a friend of mine told me (I was only 17) " When you girls dress up and look so hot we guys are scared to approach you." This guy was a very handsome engineering student and he had an ugly girlfriend. Another thing is: when men see a hot girl they expect her to act untouchable. And you're just normal and cool. They get scared. On the other hand, when you're untouchable, only the creeps approach you - the type of guys who think they have nothing to lose. You should look approachable and non-scary. I don't know how to achieve this since I have the same problem as you: always being approached by losers. Asking guys out isn't the answer. Been there, done that. I think you're too self-confident. Be shy, be a little bit insecure, but still a lady. Smile, but don't be thrilled. You would probably do better if you didn't look so good. Try to avoid makeup and clothes that make you look too sexy next time.
alclarkey Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Also something else, I went out with this girl once that my sister hooked me up with, and throughout the entire date I didn't get any indication that she liked me, so I didn't pursue. I little while late my sister asked my why I didn't call her friend back, and when I told her, my sister informed me that that girl had been asking about for 2 weeks the date. :/ Big point, make sure to let him know that you like him, and no the hug and peck on the cheek at the end of the night is not enough, as that would feel more like protocol than anything else.
crosswordfiend Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I'm going to have to disagree with papercut on this one in that I don't see anything wrong with a walk & talk in the park. It's not so static and there is plenty of external stimulus to generate conversation topics and random thoughts. I may be in the minority here, but I actually want to talk to the girl and get to know her. In setting up a frisbee date, what you are getting is an activity partner and are only delaying the inevitable if there wasn't any chemistry or compatibility to begin with. Are you the one explicitly initiating contact or proposing a date? I know there's no way around it online, but most guys at least want to think that they are the ones asking you out, whereas in reality we realize that the women are making the first move but putting themselves in a position for us to ask you out. When a woman asks me out out of the blue I'm rather taken aback but will accept out of courtesy if she is somewhat attractive. For me these haven't really led to much since if she were my type, she would have already been on my radar screen and I would have asked her out.
Alex_M Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Well you can always PM me like how you would on a dating site and, after a few messages, tell you if I spot anything odd
Author tirralirra Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Thanks for all of the advice! Record producer, you've really heard me on this one! I think that I just reek of acceptance, and that can really attract the bottom of the barrel. I'm gonna give up the search for now and focus on myself...and wear dinky sweats around? I think not. I like to look my best--not for anyone else, but for myself--, and one day I'll meet someone who's not scared away by it.
MindoverMatter Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Maybe you come off as arrogant. Do you ever speak about yourself the way you did in the OP? Also, if you are really always focusing on not touching too much, nor too little etc pp you will come off as stressed.
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