nothappyjan Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Ok about a month ago after being dumped I signed up for online dating just to get back into the swing of things and feel better about some male attention. I am fairly attractive and 23 so i have gotten quite a bit of interest from the guys on there. I have never dated more than one person before and I went on a date on sun night but i wasnt interested and last night went out with another guy who i've been talking to a lot and he really likes me cause he texted me that like 5mins after the date had ended. THis guy is nice and i get along with him but i'm not that physically attracted to him and i feel like i should give him one more date to see how i feel but hes been texting me all day and he seems really into me and I am already feeling guilty and responsible for his feelings. I also have another two guys from the dating site that want to meet up very soon. so how long can I go out with this guy without leading him on? Plus do u think looks are very important or should i look beyond that to a sweet guy who would treat me well? Also how do u reject someone i've never had to do it so i dont know what to say
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I don't understand why different rules apply for girls than guys when it comes to dating. Or at least, I should say that some people act like they do. You don't "owe" him anything. As I have seen posted in response to guys that are multi-dating, unless the topic of exclusivity is brought up, it shouldn't be automatically expected. If you're uncomfortable about omission (which I always have been), then just tell the guy that you're seeing other guys besides him. I don't see the point in judging somebody based on looks. Now, granted, there has to be at least a very basic level of attraction or it just won't work out. But don't get so hung up on looks that you miss out on a good guy. My BF is no GQ cover model, but I would have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life if I had gone solely on looks. Rejection...it's always going to suck no matter how you cut it. BUT...honesty does ease the blow a bit, IMO. So if somebody just isn't doing it for you, simply say so. Something along the lines of, "This just isn't working out for me. I'm not feeling that 'click.'" If you want to try and ease his feelings, you could add something like, "You deserve somebody that feels as strongly for you as you do for them. I wish you luck and hope you find that special someone." Yeah, a bit cheesy. But I've always found it easier to just be honest with a guy I'm trying to let down gently. So, however you do it - just be honest!
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Hedging your bets huh? Well this could backfire let me warn you. by the time you least expect it things could blow up in your face. k. take care.
Athena Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 You should date the other guys, but let this guy go, since you know the physical attraction isn't there. Just say, "Sorry, I don't feel the same way about you, and I don't want to lead you on. Its over" You shouldn't settle... you are just starting to get a feel for what you want and like. I also think that there's a red flag with this guy -- he sounds way too needy, and the Dependent type which is no good for you. Let him know sooner, rather than later. You may think you are being 'kind' by stringing him along and not cutting his hopes, but you are not. So end it now.
Author nothappyjan Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 thanks guys, yeh i know i shouldnt settle, i suppose once i meet someone i should know instantly if they are the right one as i wont still be looking for others....well thats the way i've felt in the past. I am just one of those people that is terrible at saying no and standing up for myself
Treasa Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Well, although I completely agree that if you feel no spark, it's probably not a good sign. However, upon meeting my current boyfriend, my initial thought was, "I bet he doesn't have a girlfriend." It's mean, but it was true at the time. However, as I got to know him, my perception changed. He's very smart and funny, and charismatic as all get out. About a month after meeting him I found myself having sexual fantasies about him. But definitely don't limit yourself at the moment. As someone else said, you don't owe them anything (except honesty), as you aren't in an exclusive relationship with any of them.
fishtaco Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 There are two lines of thought. Multi-daters and non-multi daters. I'm a multi-dater, so I don't know how a non-multi dater would handle this situation. Maybe prematurely cut it off even thought there COULD be a chance. Hey it has happened to me before. Went out with a woman I thought was not all that (overall, not just looks), but she turned out pretty cool. Some people's strong points come out slowly. Not everyone is a great salesperson. For multi-daters, you can do whatever you want until exclusivity, as long as you don't lie, and you're not a hypocrite... etc. i.e. the usual evil stuff still applies. Of course the middle ground is you don't throw that fact in the other person's face. Like telling your date - just so you know I went out with this chick Lisa two days ago and it was a good date. That's not being honest. That's being dumb at best, and playing mind games at worst. Anyway, the advantage clearly goes to the multi-daters. Because non-multi-daters still have to be aware and be able to handle multi-daters. It's just personal preference and dating style. So if you want to be a multi-dater, technically it's up to the other person to be aware. It's not your job to babysit them. We're all adults. We should all take personal responsibility. But realistically you could pull back and keep him at arms length if you like. i.e. keep going on dates, but don't make any progress. The hardcore way to do it is to flat out tell him you're a multi-dater. Although some would argue that's a big no-no. Personally I don't recommend that and would only reserve that for special situations.
Flamenco81 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I agree that honesty wtiih this guy is the way to go. I have been on an online dating site for a few months now. In this time I have gone out with several girls. Some for just one cofee date and nothing else. Othhers I tried to pursue for more dates and a couple of them let me know after the 2nd date that they were not feeling it so it was better to end it. While it hurts if you are intersted I appreciate their honesty and directness. Plus if you met this guy at the online dating site you can BET that he is also pursuing other girls in there.
BobSacamento Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 If there's zero physical attraction why waste anyone's time lol. But if your still not sure I'd give it another date. Odds are he'll make a move and you'll know at that moment whether anything is going to happen. Has he made a move yet? If so what did you do?
Author nothappyjan Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 no he hasnt made a move yet, he just gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. I have never dated more than one person at a time, i find it quite hard to be interested in more than one person at the same time. But i also dont want to lose the chance to meet and talk to others as i have been burnt before and I know that if i choose to date just one guy he could up and leave at any time and then i've missed out on meeting other people;)
BobSacamento Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I think it seems like you know what you want and that's to meet as many people as possible. I think you should multi date. I'm honestly in the same boat as you. I hate missed opportunities so I want to date as many people as possible but at the same time I don't want to hurt anyone. I know, what an ego lol.
jadelil25 Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Yes you need to be attracted to someone for it to work out but personality is also important as well. You do not owe this guy anything and if you want to go out on a date with the other 2 people you have been talking to then you should. You have not said to this guy that you are exclusive and it has been one date so you are not breaking any rules either. It is good that the guy is in to you but it sounds like he maybe clingy as well and the best thing you can do is reply to some of his messages so he does not think that you are ignoring him but dont reply to all of them. I also think you should see the other 2 guys for a date first before going on another date with this guy and if you do have a second date with him before seeing the others you are not doing anything wrong because you are not exclusive. Just go for it and have some fun. Thats what dating is about, its a game and about having fun and meeting new people. You dont owe the guy anything and if you like one of the others over him just send him a polite message saying that you do not see it going anywhere and wish him luck in the future.
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