Kamille Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 how can i evvvver get this guy to commit or be in a relationship b/c he feels it is worth it. should i just let him go and see if he returns with his agenda straightend out ... wanting to give us a real chance? Do I ever feel for you! You know and I know that you shouldn't have to convinve anyone that a relationship is worth it. He has to come to that conclusion all on his own and it doesn't sound like this guy will get there all on his own. I feel for you because I know how hard it is to leave someone with whom you feel incredible chemistry. I see a few possible scenarios, but I would recommend being honest with him. as Norajane suggested. That way you will be true to yourself and he will know where you stand. Or, you could keep playing it aloof, hoping he will one day miraculously discover he wants an R and wants it with you. I've done this in the past and it drained my energy and my self-esteem. Then one day, the commitmentphobe guys would do something that was completely the straw that cut the camel's back. One story though: this one guy I really liked was very aloof with me and also dating other women. It was really hard, but I decided to be honest with him and end things. We talked, I don't remember quite what was said, something about the fact I understandood he wasn't ready for a commitment but that the dating arrangement we had didn't suit me. He let me go, it was hard for a few weeks, but it eventually made me feel really good. I had stood up for myself. Months later, the guy called me to apologize for how he had treated me that summer, to tell me he was now ready for something serious and to enquire as to my status. Unfortunately, at the time, I was in an exclusive relationship. But, my point is, be true to yourself in this. It's worth it.
bean1 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 how can i evvvver get this guy to commit or be in a relationship b/c he feels it is worth it? You are truly fooling yourself here.
Author tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 I am not so sure how I can be honest with him without completely ruining things between us. He really dosen't owe me anything and I have no expectations at all. I would like to call him and wish him a safe trip but am upset he hasn't called me yet or reached out to me in any way. I don't think I should be making the first effort here. If I am honest with him he might think I am crazy because we never spoke about where things were going with us ... I guess I will wait it out and make my best effort not to get stuck up on him and let him go if he dosen't meet me halfway.
You'reasian Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I would like to call him and wish him a safe trip but am upset he hasn't called me yet or reached out to me in any way. It looks like nobody is contacting nobody I don't think I should be making the first effort here. If I am honest with him he might think I am crazy you could be dishonest with him and see how that works? because we never spoke about where things were going with us ... I guess I will wait it out and make my best effort not to get stuck up on him and let him go if he dosen't meet me halfway. Let it go and see where it lands.
Author tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 of course ... easier said than done. but i have no choice. i remember something he told me once "you wouldn't like me if i wasn't a challenge" i guess that should have been writing on the walls for --- "i play games!!!!"
torranceshipman Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 If you really want something with this guy, do what some previous posters said and email him a 'hey, you are a cool guy but this isn't working - I like you but I'm looking for someone to date, and clearly you don't have the time right now, so lets be friends. Stay in touch and have fun on the trip! (-; ' (or something similar). Then don't contact him and he'll be pissed that you aren't bothered about him...you'll feel pride at cutting him loose, and if he is kinda immature he will like you more all of a sudden, because you've made him chase him again. Guys like this are sooo immature - who wants that game playing? But if you want to feel good about yourself, and have his interest peak - do it! Plus if you end it now, you are the type of girl who is too good for crap, who gets to be the one that makes them wonder and walk away...not the doormat. Plus you mentioned you'd give him space....space from what?! You've only just started dating and this should be the fun part! Cut this guy loose, let hm wonder why you arent interested anymore, and go out and find a hottie who deserves you
Author tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 maybe the best way to do this is to just disappear ... make him wonder ... not even answer if and when he does call ...
You'reasian Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 of course ... easier said than done. but i have no choice. i remember something he told me once "you wouldn't like me if i wasn't a challenge" i guess that should have been writing on the walls for --- "i play games!!!!" or maybe he thinks you only respond to the chase. Its a source of power for a man to have women chasing after him. Think about it - tons of guys chase women all day, most of whom they don't care for - and to have tons of women chasing him is probably some kind of ego boost.
Author tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 right ... so my not responding to him and not chasing him might actually do the trick. rather than giving in to his games i will send him on his way and find someone who will actually give me what i want and won't drive me crazy ... for better or for worse!
You'reasian Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 right ... so my not responding to him and not chasing him might actually do the trick. Maybe rather than giving in to his games i will send him on his way and find someone who will actually give me what i want and won't drive me crazy ... for better or for worse! What do you want?
torranceshipman Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 YES! For sure. Give him the boot. It is, strangely, the most sure fire way to peak his interest AND get your pride back...so you're a winner either way!
Author tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 so ... when he calls ... pick up or let him keep calling? or answer his text messages or not ? seems the best way to go about this is to completely pull a vanishing act ... maybe this will help me work some magic?
You'reasian Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 so ... when he calls ... pick up or let him keep calling? or answer his text messages or not ? seems the best way to go about this is to completely pull a vanishing act ... maybe this will help me work some magic? It could. Is he potentially involved with someone else?
GAchasen Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I think he is what is called a emotional withdrawler... Things are great in the beginning and they they start to see you less, call you less, and don't ask for anything back. For instance a flat screen TV. He came back. But trust me. He will do it again. Move on...to someone who can't stand to be away from you!!!!
torranceshipman Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I would ignore him for a bit, dont take a coupla calls (if he calls), then (if he does) text a day or so later, saying 'did you call?' or something (i.e. not really interested, but not bothering to hide/show your communication with him-sometimes ignoring them can show you're mad at them and therefore bothered by how they're acting-so general indifference is way better!). If he doesnt call, doesnt matter, go for silence for a few days.Then in either case, email him, saying in a cool way that you think he is a good guy, but you're not interested in dating, as you're both after different things (or however you want to word it) - I think it is great to show you have the balls to say what you want, AND be cool, and totally ready to walk if you don't get it, but in an indifferent 'ah its cool, I have options, I'm totally good with making a new friend, you just go do your thing' way! If he wants you he'll make more of an effort, and if he is too immature to handle hurt pride then you do NOT want a guy that stupid! If he chases you again continue to be non committal unless he shows you somethin REALLY interesting and worth your time!
tkgirl Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 On chemistry: It's very easy to give it your all and really connect when you know you don't have to sustain it long term wow Ruby Slippers! that's like one one the smartest things I've read on here!!! so many mistake "chemistry" for something more... and chemistry is huge, but it takes a lot more than just great chemistry to make a real relationship.
tkgirl Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 right ... so my not responding to him and not chasing him might actually do the trick. rather than giving in to his games i will send him on his way and find someone who will actually give me what i want and won't drive me crazy ... for better or for worse! You have to figure out what you want.. and don't settle for less. You have gotten some really great advice on here... I especially like what Athena wrote.. I wish I would have read that back when I was in a similar situation! so okay.. I say play it cool (only because you don't want to lose it on him and feel weird about it later) but at the same time know what YOU want and let him know you won't settle for less. If he's any kind of man at all he will probably respect you even more for being honest and standing up for what you want. In a recent situation with my "commitment-phobe" ex... and I hesitate to use that word because what guy do you know actually likes commitment? lol! anyways.. what I finally told him was I think we are just in different places in our lives and want different things. He seemed to "get" that and it was hard but at the same time it felt good to walk away with my head held high. And wouldn't you know it... he came back a month later and said how he "missed me", but still wasn't ready to give me what I needed... anyways, maybe some day he will figure it out but I am not holding my breath! so.. back to you, any updates for us? has he called?
Author tassle01 Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 No ... he has not called and I am remaining strong. I mean ... what can I do here? It is pointless to call him or initiate the contact myself. As many times as I've picked up my phone to check if he called I am keeping my head high and not getting in contact. These men ... they really frustrate me. He fed me all this BS and now he has disappeared ... I am fully ready to give him a taste of his own medicine & play the same game. There is no chance of me calling him or even responding easily to his calls or texts ... whenevever they may come. I am going to try to play this out and see where this goes once he is back from his trip. I won't let a guy rule my life and my feelings ... went out and had a great time tonight. Whatever is in my cards will play out as it is meant to me. If not him ... well then c'est la vie ... his loss !!! Totally feeling strong!!!!!!
gd26 Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Totally feeling strong!!!!!! No, it's obvious that you aren't feeling strong. From reading this thread, it is more than clear that you are feeling weak, confused, and terribly hurt. Most of us here have all been in your shoes and know how it feels to be rejected by someone who we have deep feelings for. You are going through a denial phase right now, which is a normal part of the grieving process. We all know that feeling of despair at unrequited love, and the deep feeling of yearning to do ANYTHING to win that person's love. You are concocting games here because you are so desperate to have your fantasy-version of him back. This obviously isn't a set up that you want. Do you really want to have to play games to get someone to love you? Do you really want a lover who is unreliable and who is involved with other women while with you? Of course not. None of us wants this. It's just that right now you want this guy so bad, that you are willing to settle for foul treatment from him rather than have nothing. But you really know deep down (which you don't want to admit)... that really, there is nothing between you two. Because a relationship takes two people, not one. I know this false bravado is your anxious way to convince yourself that you still have a chance with this guy. But really I think you need to take a time out to let yourself grieve and cry. The fact that he doesn't want you doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. He doesn't want you because of his issues, not necessarily yours. It sucks so bad to feel unwanted and abandoned by another person who we adore. I went through this myself not too long ago, so I know the feeling. I didn't want to believe that I wasn't wanted either, and I went through similar anxiety wondering what I could do to get him back and make him want me again. I also felt an intense chemistry for this guy. But there was nothing I could do. All the time I spent thinking about how much I wanted to hold him or kiss his precious face... he couldn't care less about me. Yes, it hurts badly. Take some time out for yourself. It won't be easy to let go, but try as much as possible to stop fighting what is. You know full well that someone who adores you wouldn't treat you like this. You also know full well that you deserve so much more from another person. Yet you are so afraid of being alone and not finding anyone better, that you are willing to settle for anything at this point. Ask yourself what you really need in a relationship. This guy obviously isn't meeting those needs.
Author tassle01 Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Luckily, I think this man & I never made it far enough in the relationship for me to feel as hurt and betrayed as you have described. Yes, I do realize we really have NOTHING between us. This was never a relationship from the start and it never will be. I do feel used. However, I have no tears or regret towards him. I made a mistake ... (at least I recognize this) ... I know my worth and am trying to brush my shoulders and move on. The only thing that keeps me worried is that him coming back into my life when he feels like it will be difficult to resist ...
You'reasian Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 No ... he has not called and I am remaining strong. I mean ... what can I do here? It is pointless to call him or initiate the contact myself. As many times as I've picked up my phone to check if he called I am keeping my head high and not getting in contact. These men ... they really frustrate me. He fed me all this BS and now he has disappeared ... I am fully ready to give him a taste of his own medicine & play the same game. There is no chance of me calling him or even responding easily to his calls or texts ... whenevever they may come. I am going to try to play this out and see where this goes once he is back from his trip. I won't let a guy rule my life and my feelings ... went out and had a great time tonight. Whatever is in my cards will play out as it is meant to me. If not him ... well then c'est la vie ... his loss !!! Totally feeling strong!!!!!! Maybe he has another woman on the side? That's a terrible thought, but its a possibility.
Author tassle01 Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 At this point, I would not be surprised. Also would not be shocking if he actually treats every woman in his life in this manner.
You'reasian Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 At this point, I would not be surprised. Also would not be shocking if he actually treats every woman in his life in this manner. For some reason, we guys are rewarded for our jerky behavior. The minute we get kind, you ladies loose interest.
Author tassle01 Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Hmm ... sometimes that may be true ... but not always. It's a two way street. My curiosity has peaked ... how long will it take this man to call or text hehe ... not that I will answer anyway!
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