tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I met a man in early January (2009). We instantly hit it off and began dating. Were having a great time together, slept together after about a month of seeing one another. After about two months he began to disappear and his calls/texts became less frequent. I later found out he left to Mexico with another woman he was seeing as we were never exlusive and had not set any grounds for our relationship. I stopped speaking to him for a few weeks and he re-appeared in my life yet again about 2 weeks ago. My feelings for him are extremely strong and I don't know what to do with them or how to express them. He broke his engagment about 8 months ago and always says he is scared of commitment and has relationship issues. I really never push the question or topic at all. So since he re-appeared we were speaking via telephone for about a week until we saw each other this past thursday and friday ... and again on saturday when we slept together again. Sunday he called and everything seeemed fine but since Monday I feel distance from his end and a lack of effort in trying to see me or speak to me. He has not contacted me since Monday and it is allready going into Thursday. How should I approach this situation? Am I just beating on a dead horse here? Should I continue playing it cool and being nonchallant since I am allready aware that he is a commitment phobic ... or should I call him out on his odd ways the last couple of days ... maybe just wait it out? I am confused. Please help!! Why do men do this anyway??? Our chemistry is very strong and we have both acknowledged that ... Is he simply NOT interested? Help!
tkgirl Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I met a man in early January (2009). We instantly hit it off and began dating. Were having a great time together, slept together after about a month of seeing one another. After about two months he began to disappear and his calls/texts became less frequent. I later found out he left to Mexico with another woman he was seeing as we were never exlusive and had not set any grounds for our relationship. I stopped speaking to him for a few weeks and he re-appeared in my life yet again about 2 weeks ago. My feelings for him are extremely strong and I don't know what to do with them or how to express them. He broke his engagment about 8 months ago and always says he is scared of commitment and has relationship issues. I really never push the question or topic at all. So since he re-appeared we were speaking via telephone for about a week until we saw each other this past thursday and friday ... and again on saturday when we slept together again. Sunday he called and everything seeemed fine but since Monday I feel distance from his end and a lack of effort in trying to see me or speak to me. He has not contacted me since Monday and it is allready going into Thursday. How should I approach this situation? Am I just beating on a dead horse here? Should I continue playing it cool and being nonchallant since I am allready aware that he is a commitment phobic ... or should I call him out on his odd ways the last couple of days ... maybe just wait it out? I am confused. Please help!! Why do men do this anyway??? Our chemistry is very strong and we have both acknowledged that ... Is he simply NOT interested? Help! oh boy... where do I start? First I have to tell you I have been in your shoes and "played it cool" while I waited for them to figure out what they want... a complete waste of time! If the guy is not pursuing you that much then chances are that he's not interested... sorry! Commitment phobe or whatever excuse they want to call it. Do you really want to sit around waiting while he's dating other women, taking them to Mexico etc. Don't you think you deserve better than that? if not than you should! I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I'm really trying to prevent you from making the same painful mistake I did! I wish you the best...
Author tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Thanks for your honest words! So what would you do if you were in these shoes again (which I hope you will never be in!). Should I cut him off cold turkey or confront him? You are correct ... there is no use in waiting around for him! The feelings are there but I can move them on to someone else, although I would not like to do this. Perhaps I have no choice. I really am sick & tired of sitting by the phone wondering if he will call or not. This is so frustrating ...
tkgirl Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Thanks for your honest words! So what would you do if you were in these shoes again (which I hope you will never be in!). Should I cut him off cold turkey or confront him? You are correct ... there is no use in waiting around for him! The feelings are there but I can move them on to someone else, although I would not like to do this. Perhaps I have no choice. I really am sick & tired of sitting by the phone wondering if he will call or not. This is so frustrating ... oh girl... I'm so sorry! I do know how that feels too... the wondering IF he will call. It sucks! You really can't wait for him... maybe he will call soon but it's like it's too late already. He's not reliable... which causes you to feel unsure about him... NOT a good feeling! I know it's hard... you really like him! But you have to start believing you deserve more than what he can offer you... he's already shown you what he's about right now.. he'll sleep with you and then take another women on a trip... and then come back and sleep with you again? Just be careful or you may end up just being one of his "booty calls". Ouch! I really hope that doesn't happen!
Author tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Here is what I am thinking ... when and if he calls ... I will give him a sweet piece of my mind ... "I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm stable and very well aware of my surroundings and know what I want ... And your wayyyyy not on the same page since your always wasting your time playing games .. So call me wen you get to your senses .. Other than that .. Let me be." I don't have time for games. My time is too valuable. Just lay it out on the table. He can take it or leave it. What do you think?
Lovelybird Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 You teach men how to treat you. Before you know each other, one month is very short time, you already slept with him, without deep bond, you already went ahead to the physical intimacy which should have a foundation of true intimacy of knowing each other's heart. There are many men like this if you don't change your dating pattern. You are the only one can protect your heart and body. Women can get easily attached to man whom she had sexual relationship, but men are different. Hot sexual attraction isn't love. Please don't play nonchallant, or pretend you weren't hurt by his actions. You teach the man how to treat you. IMO don't even say "call me", completely cut him off, if he straighen his action, may talk with him. but no sex anymore, I don't see he is serious in this
Author tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 You are 100% right. I agree with you that I moved wayyy to quickly into the intimacy part of the relationship and didn't allow myself to get to know him. But this is only something I can learn on, I cannot go back in time and undo what has allready been done. So from here on ... how can I attempt to mend the mistakes I have made. Yes, I was hurt by his actions and I do want to tell him and see how he reacts to it. Maybe if he knows what he has done and how I feel this will change his mindset? Should I reach out to him? If I cut him off completely I feel as though he will be confused as to why I did such a thing and won't understand the full impact of his actions.
norajane Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Here is what I am thinking ... when and if he calls ... I will give him a sweet piece of my mind ... "I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm stable and very well aware of my surroundings and know what I want ... And your wayyyyy not on the same page since your always wasting your time playing games .. So call me wen you get to your senses .. Other than that .. Let me be." I don't have time for games. My time is too valuable. Just lay it out on the table. He can take it or leave it. What do you think? Wow - why are you so angry with him? That's what he's going to think if you spew all that at him. You said you were never exclusive, never set any ground rules, and you've been playing it cool. He doesn't owe you a relationship. He never promised one. In fact, he told you: says he is scared of commitment and has relationship issues When a guy tells you things like that about himself, believe him. If you don't and you pin all your desires on him, it's not his fault he can't live up to your fantasies. Let this one go. It's awesome to find hot chemistry with someone, but not at the expense of your peace of mind. He's never going to be the boyfriend you really want to have in your life, and you can't handle him being a sometimes lover while he sees other women, so let him go.
Lovelybird Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 How young is he? If you tell him what you feel, he may think you are clingy, he may not respond well (you know you cannot change a person's maturity or feeling in one night, if they are self-centered, they weren't moved by tears too) He already told you that he is a commitphobia, what do you want to change about him? Believe him, and move on. If a man wants you, he won't tell you he is a commitphobia Be strong, this may let him know you aren't treated as you should be
Author tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 He is 30. I guess the only option I have here is to not be intense, whiny and needy. If I am cool and act like what he does, makes no difference to me maybe that will get him annoyed. If and when he calls I'll act like I never notived his absence. I guess men get annoyed when they are being scolded. I don't want to be the typical drama bitch. It is either acting very cool towards him or ignoring him alltogether. Not sure what the best option here is.
norajane Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 He is 30. I guess the only option I have here is to not be intense, whiny and needy. If I am cool and act like what he does, makes no difference to me maybe that will get him annoyed. If and when he calls I'll act like I never notived his absence. I guess men get annoyed when they are being scolded. I don't want to be the typical drama bitch. It is either acting very cool towards him or ignoring him alltogether. Not sure what the best option here is. How about being honest, without being confrontational, accusatory or intense? "Hey, Joe, great to hear from you. Thank you for the invitation, but I can't accept. Why not? I really like our chemistry, but I'm looking for a long term relationship, and you aren't, so it's just not going to work out." No matter how cool or whatever you act, you can't change who he is, and you can't make him be ready to have a real relationship. No matter what you say or how you say it, you cannot make him want to be in a relationship if he is phobic. So be polite, be friendly, and be honest.
tkgirl Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 He is 30. I guess the only option I have here is to not be intense, whiny and needy. If I am cool and act like what he does, makes no difference to me maybe that will get him annoyed. If and when he calls I'll act like I never notived his absence. I guess men get annoyed when they are being scolded. I don't want to be the typical drama bitch. It is either acting very cool towards him or ignoring him alltogether. Not sure what the best option here is. well I want to tell you your best option would be to RUN! and run fast... away from this guy and not look back... but would you listen? oh man.. you sound like me a few years ago... and almost again last year! You cannot worry what he will think if you ignore him or whatever you decide to do.. in fact, this is not about him at all. He is not thinking about how you are feeling about all this, and yeah.. that sucks.. but what you do need to worry about how is YOU feel. Is he treating you the way you want to be treated? Cuz uou know, you can't MAKE a guy treat you better, like you more etc... if he's already being like this with you now it will only get worse done the road. Cut him loose... and start looking for something GOOD! it's out there! good luck!!!
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I vote for "acting very cool." You don't have to be a jerk about it. I agree that it's much better to act like it didn't affect you at all. Just tell him you've decided that you deserve more from a man than what he is able to give you. And I agree with whoever said that you teach a man how to treat you. If the opportunity comes up again (new guy), I'd strongly suggest that you tell the guy that you don't sleep with someone unless there's an agreement on exclusivity. I'd say it's the bare minimum you should expect from a guy if you're going to give him that much of yourself.
Athena Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 It is very obvious that this guy does NOT see you as 'girlfriend material'. He has admitted to you he has commitment problems. And at age 30, these will not just disappear. You may think your aloofness will 'attract' him, and will make him want you more, or make him think, "Hey, here's a really laid- back, easy-going chick!" and then want to hang around you more. You may even dream that his heart will get connected with yours, but NO, that is not what is going to happen with THIS man. He is Emotionally Unavailable. He has red flags ALL over him -- 1) At 30,if he does not want an exclusive relationship at this age, then either the girl isn't right for him (and merely a booty call), or he really is a commitment phobe (and you're not gonna change him) 2) He sees nothing wrong with a mutual understanding of Sex Only with you... but YOU DON'T want this! So don't sign up for something you don't want, and a relationship which will make you unhappy. You are not going to change him, and pulling the classic "Bait and Switch" on him is not fair... he TOLD you as clearly as he could at the beginning of your 'relationship' that he was not going to promise you anything... so don't ever expect this... and acting cool is not going to suddenly make him want you more... it is just going to confuse the hell out of him when one day you let him know how unhappy you are with your 'arrangement'. 3) His lack of eagerness in staying in contact with you shows he's just not that into you. You would be very foolish to expect anything more than casual sex with this guy. Sure -- in the beginning he put in a lot more effort to 'get you' to sleep with him. Now, since he put his cards on the table with you about non-exclusivity, he obviously feels he can just give you a call when he wants some sex with you. If this is all you want, go ahead, otherwise cut your losses and drop this go-nowhere prospect! One way to do this could be by your texting him, "It's over, don't contact me again"... and then simply ignore him completely until he understands to remove you from his little black book of back up girls. Your 'telling him off' will do nothing to make you more attractive or desirable in his eyes... he simply wants a sex partner in you. A tirade may make him willing to put in a feeble attempt at contact, so he can re-establish the connection. You will then readily open your heart more to him because you feel it will encourage him to do the same. But it will not succeed. You see, he has been VERY clear with you by his actions and his words, that he simply does not view you as girlfriend material. You cannot force him to change. You can make a choice -- accept a booty call now and again. Or shrug it off as a learning curve and move on to find someone who will want you as equally as you want him. Good luck, and don't cave in... there is no point.
bean1 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Just disappear. You don't need to tell him that, you don't need to get angry. He is 30 - do you honestly think you are the first girl that he has done this to? He has been through this song and dance. He has demonstrated through his actions that he thinks nothing of you. Ouch. I'm sure a lot of us have been there. He has told you that he does not want to commit to you (commitment phone = I don't want to commit to you) and that he is not good in relationships. He has told you that he is this way. That is full and ample warning. Do not think a man will change for you, this is the #1 mistake of women throughout time!
Lizzie60 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Should I continue playing it cool and being nonchallant since I am allready aware that he is a commitment phobic ... or should I call him out on his odd ways the last couple of days ... maybe just wait it out? This is obviously a FWB relationship.. he never promised you anything so in the meantime, he's just having fun.. Call him if you want sex again... I am confused. Please help!! Why do men do this anyway??? Our chemistry is very strong and we have both acknowledged that ... Is he simply NOT interested? Help! They do that because they can... and women allow them to.. but to be honest I don't see anything wrong with what he does.. really.
manugeorge Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 It is very obvious that this guy does NOT see you as 'girlfriend material'. He has admitted to you he has commitment problems. And at age 30, these will not just disappear. You may think your aloofness will 'attract' him, and will make him want you more, or make him think, "Hey, here's a really laid- back, easy-going chick!" and then want to hang around you more. You may even dream that his heart will get connected with yours, but NO, that is not what is going to happen with THIS man. He is Emotionally Unavailable. He has red flags ALL over him -- 1) At 30,if he does not want an exclusive relationship at this age, then either the girl isn't right for him (and merely a booty call), or he really is a commitment phobe (and you're not gonna change him) 2) He sees nothing wrong with a mutual understanding of Sex Only with you... but YOU DON'T want this! So don't sign up for something you don't want, and a relationship which will make you unhappy. You are not going to change him, and pulling the classic "Bait and Switch" on him is not fair... he TOLD you as clearly as he could at the beginning of your 'relationship' that he was not going to promise you anything... so don't ever expect this... and acting cool is not going to suddenly make him want you more... it is just going to confuse the hell out of him when one day you let him know how unhappy you are with your 'arrangement'. 3) His lack of eagerness in staying in contact with you shows he's just not that into you. You would be very foolish to expect anything more than casual sex with this guy. Sure -- in the beginning he put in a lot more effort to 'get you' to sleep with him. Now, since he put his cards on the table with you about non-exclusivity, he obviously feels he can just give you a call when he wants some sex with you. If this is all you want, go ahead, otherwise cut your losses and drop this go-nowhere prospect! One way to do this could be by your texting him, "It's over, don't contact me again"... and then simply ignore him completely until he understands to remove you from his little black book of back up girls. Your 'telling him off' will do nothing to make you more attractive or desirable in his eyes... he simply wants a sex partner in you. A tirade may make him willing to put in a feeble attempt at contact, so he can re-establish the connection. You will then readily open your heart more to him because you feel it will encourage him to do the same. But it will not succeed. You see, he has been VERY clear with you by his actions and his words, that he simply does not view you as girlfriend material. You cannot force him to change. You can make a choice -- accept a booty call now and again. Or shrug it off as a learning curve and move on to find someone who will want you as equally as you want him. Good luck, and don't cave in... there is no point. Athena is so right. A leopard doesn't change it's spots. You can stand there doing catwheels all day trying to get this guy's attention and it will all be futile. He already has all he needs to notice you but he doesn't so I'll just say chuck this one up to experience and move along. I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of contacting him to tell him off. Just stop calling..simple. And when he does call you, don't pick up....EVER!
Ruby Slippers Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 This is obviously a FWB relationship.. he never promised you anything so in the meantime, he's just having fun.. Call him if you want sex again... Ditto. This is sex only, and that's all it will ever be. As long as you expect NOTHING more than that, you're good. If you want more, cut him out of your life and find someone who wants what you want. On chemistry: It's very easy to give it your all and really connect when you know you don't have to sustain it long term.
2sunny Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 He is 30. I guess the only option I have here is to not be intense, whiny and needy. If I am cool and act like what he does, makes no difference to me maybe that will get him annoyed. If and when he calls I'll act like I never notived his absence. I guess men get annoyed when they are being scolded. I don't want to be the typical drama bitch. It is either acting very cool towards him or ignoring him alltogether. Not sure what the best option here is. the best option is to work with the actions he has presented you with. his actions say you aren't the priority. you are the priority when it's CONVENIENT for him. take it or leave it. if you take being low on his list - he will understand that he only needs to make less than half an effort to see you. his energy and efforts are somewhere else - but NOT with you. is that what you're willing to settle for?
You'reasian Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Tassle01 - what do you want out of that relationship? More importantly, what do you need? I get the impression women are trying to speak for you, but you're on a different page then they are.
Author tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Thank you for all your replys ... they are very eye opening! This man has communicated to me in the past that he has always had relationships and although he has this alleged fear of commitment he wants to settle down with a woman but as he said "i don't want a relationship for the sake of having one". Not exactlly sure what this means and I have not made an attempt to disect his words. We have only had sex twice and have spent much more time together and hours on the phone ... so this really isn't just about the sex for him. Again, he was engaged and had a bad experience with the ex-fiance which has perhaps left him scarred. I am not making an attempt to make excuses for him here but I really don't think he sees me as simply a sex object. He hasn't called me up for a booty call ever and this last time I actually initiated it. What I want is to get to know him. To have a steady relationship (even if not exclusive). To see each other on a regular basis, devoid of these games which involve not calling each other and running after one another. He is going away for a business trip until Monday so I guess I will give him his space and see how things go when he returns. I really would like to call him at this point and just see how he is doing but I don't want to add any uncessary pressure. What I really want is to see if this can be more of a friendship possibly progressing to a relationship. I guess this will involve not sleeping with him for the time being, but since he is not making any contact I am not so sure it will get to that point.
bean1 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Tassle, You met this man 5 months ago. He is distant and has already taken a vacation with another woman. I'm not sure what you are attempting to accomplish - that he will suddenly fall in love and treat you with respect? You asked earlier if you were "beating a dead horse" - YES, YES YOU ARE! It seems that you are forgetting that most men can have sex without emotional attachment. You are clearly attached - you think about him, you express anger, you want him to change who he is (which is someone who does NOT want to commit to you). If he had any attachment, he would call you after 1 day, he wouldn't go to Mexico with another woman, he is 30 years old!!!. He is not a shy/scarred teen boy! He knows what he is doing. He is keeping you attached for sex. Come on girl - you are hurting yourself. Nobody wants to see that. Listen to the experienced women here, they've done that dance and wouldn't want to see another girl go through it.
Author tassle01 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 how can i evvvver get this guy to commit or be in a relationship b/c he feels it is worth it. should i just let him go and see if he returns with his agenda straightend out ... wanting to give us a real chance?
You'reasian Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 What I want is to get to know him. To have a steady relationship (even if not exclusive). To see each other on a regular basis, devoid of these games which involve not calling each other and running after one another. You want to be part of this man's life in something of a relationship without games. If things start to fall back into game playing mode, you could potentially lose him. What I really want is to see if this can be more of a friendship possibly progressing to a relationship. I guess this will involve not sleeping with him for the time being, but since he is not making any contact I am not so sure it will get to that point. The risk of working it down into a friendship is loosing him to another woman - very realistic, since your above paragraph states you would be comfortable being with him even if not exclusive (esp. if he settles into a one woman kind of guy) but the benefit is getting a solid foundation with this guy. You don't make contact because he is not making contact. That leads me to believe that the dynamics of this relationship are either on pause or going nowhere fast. Not trying to be pessismistic - just realistic.
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