scammed twice Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 hi im new to the forum and just needed a little insight my post may be a little long and i apologize in advance. a year and a half ago i discovered my husband of four years was having a full blown affair, he was completely involeved emotionally and physically with a woman he worked with. obviously when i found out i almost died! after my discovery he ended it and we tried to work on our marriage which seemed to be going pretty well until about 9 weeks ago when he stared acting funny again, so after another round of snooping i discovered he was at it again, only this time the girl(i call her girl because she is very child like) was an employee of his that i actually was very friendly with, i have her to my home and vice versa we socialized very often. this time i blew a gasket and actually threw a punch. now he again says that he wants to fix himself and make himself a better person so he is now in counciling, but i chose to leave and we are still seperated. so now i have a husband that has had two affairs with women he works with and he has regular contact with the second one. i guess my question is, could there be any hope considering he is a repeat offender and he works so closely with this woman? any feedback would be most helpful
SidLyon Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 This is just terrible for you and is also one of my biggest fears. All I can say is that I've let my H know that if I go through again what I've gone through in the last 6 months then our marriage will be over. I would not be able to risk it happening a 3rd time. I struggle all the time as it is with the fact that by staying with him I'm risking a 2nd occurrence. I'm very sorry for you. S
Reggie Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 From what I have read , the serial cheaters are really poor risks. I am sorry you have had to go through this twice, now. The fact that he did it again, and so soon to boot, gives insight into his makeup. He lacks empathy, integrity, and is really not a good person or marriage material. I had to face this about my XW, as well. It was really hard to pull the plug. But, after 3years away from her, I can see it was for the best.
jwi71 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 To expand a bit on Reggie... ONE A is something I truly believe a M can survive if the spouses REALLY want the M to work. A second A simply tells me that even AFTER going through hell after the FIRST A...the WS (wayward spouse) didn't reform. Thats a nice way of saying...he/she KNEW the pain it cause the BS (betrayed spouse) and did it anyway. For you...your H KNEW how the first one affected YOU and didn't care. Find lawyer, file, forget, move on...
2sure Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 You will read her over & over again how there is no real recovery from an affair unless certain & specific steps are taken. Often, when an affair is discovered - the BS just wants to fix things, to get over the hurt, and have their life back. So, there are angry words, many tears from the WS, maybe some counseling. But the thing is ....the BS is still the only victim. Not until a WS is the victim of his/her own actions do they really understand what they have done. Not until the affair partners bear the consequences does anything really change. Like you, when I discovered my H's first affair - I wanted to put it behind us, to move on asap. We went to counseling, etc etc. Just words. His only consequences were me crying, he felt bad. So - he did it again. I immediately , before confronting him - called OW, advised her. Called her H and told him who my H was. Called attorney and made an appointment. Locked him out of his computer. There was more to it of course...but I can honestly tell you that 2 years later, I love him and I trust him. His issue now is that he is still ashamed he did it. Until he was affected tangibly - nothing changed inside of him.
Heroic Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I'm going to tell you this in the harshest way possible so you understand, to put it simply the prospect of getting a little tail is more important to him than all the pain he has caused you. All your years of marriage mean less to him than a quick lay. RUN.
sugarmomma Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 If you keep picking up a snake, it will continue to bite you. You know what you're dealing with. Just accept that this is who he is and he is not ready to be faithful. Move on. Nothing personal, because a lot of people go through this. People continue to make the huge mistake of thinking that they will be with the same person forever when they see and meet other interesting people almost all the time. I won't get married again until I'm about 60. He is just being himself, now let him be. YOu should accept that he will possibly continue to cheat or leave him alone and let him be who he is. He has a right. You also have a right to a good life but I doubt if it will happen with this guy.
Athena Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 So my question to you is how come he is still working there where his A partner is? Good on you for moving out... now make the consequences more concrete for him by starting to look into divorce, so he can see what will happen if he doesn't drastically alter himself. Also let your family know, to prepare for an upcoming divorce, and H doesn't continue to hide his actions. Let the OW know you know... is she married by any chance? Let her H know too. You have to do something different this time, if you want different results. The first time you just tried to work on your M with him, and where did that get you? Once the coast was clear, he was at it again. Let him feel the consequences.
TOWinNYC Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Scammed- After the discovery of the first A, did the two of you go into marriage counseling? Did your H go into individual counseling? Were concrete steps taken to make sure an A wouldn't happen again? Because if you did all that and THEN you found out about the second A.....I kinda want to say it's not looking too good. Einstein's theory on Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
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