edpowers Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I got a really long story.. so pls bare with me. The background is I have been with my wife for over 9 years (6 of which we were married). We have a 4 years old daughter together. Here is a tricky part, we met when we were in school, both of us are from different countries (Asia). We fell in love pretty quickly and dated long distance for while we were going to separate school After she graduated, she moved to my state and we stayed together for another 1-2 years then we decided to get marry. 2 years afterward, we had our baby. Although we didn't plan to have her but with some miracle happened and there she was... for real.. we technically didn't even have intercourse since my wife was a virgin and she fell kinda hurt when I try to have sex with her. One night we decided to try but I couldn't push further but somehow, she became pregnant afterward (yes. she's my kid.. she absolutely look like me ) Well..after we had our kid, my wife's parent come over from Asia to help us take care of the baby and that's when thing get from bad to worse. I felt kinda left out of the 'family' circle. My wife always spend her time with her parent and the baby. We hardly had sex (not that we did have a lot before) and often times I feel distant and feel unloved by her. Just to added by the fuel, I am constantly being frustrated and angry working fulltime and finishing up my school. There were a lot of pressure from my family, myself and all these detachment from my wife and me. Although we spend a lot of time together as a family unit, going out WITH the grandparent and the baby.. we hardly spend time together at all. I have always thought that we were doing okay. We are upper middle class with pretty high education but often time we blew up and fight and argue, and often times i'm the on who bring bad blood into our argument, like i don't trust her, etc... the tricky part is.. we were planning to move back to Asia (my country) after we graduated school. Both of us can work in the US comfortably with our degree, but i feel like heading home will given us a better opportunity in life, to raise our kid in the asian value, to have more wealth and respect from my peers. I brought her to my country for 3 times, but admittedly I haven't been there for such a long time (going to school in the US for half of my life) I really didn't know how to show her the 'good side' of it.. I tried to show her what I think was good.. but often rush thing and get really angry at her for not understading how 'great' living there would really make her and the family happy. She didn't seem to like the idea of moving 'back' to the third world country.. although.. she will be living a really good life, comparing to living here as a middle class.... I graduated last year and went back to my country to settle down, while she and the baby was in the US. My objective was to go back and get a job and buy a house and then prepare for my wife and kid to come back this year. while i was gone, I didn't do a good job in communication with my wife on the daily basis. Often times, I'd settle for just chatting on the internet and didn't call her.... at the beginning of this year.. my wife and the baby come to visit me and we had somewhat of a great 'family' time but she didn't didn't like the country that I am in. Then afterward she went to 'drop' the baby with her parent, 'cause the grandparent 'miss her'. My baby was left with her parent, while my wife went back to the State to work and waiting for turning in her 'citizenship' application. I was okay with that and we were planning to have the time of our life or second honeymoon together in March when i would go back to visit.. but just a mere few days before i went to visit her, we had a big fight over the phone and I stupidly tell her to move out of my house (in the US).. she cried and beg me to just chill out, but then i was really in the moment and really didn't know what I was saying and you guess it.. i said no. Well basically, the big fight was I found out that she was having job interview for a 'permanent' position in the US. She didn't tell me about it. I have been getting a great job offers for her in my country. Great in term of financially and respectable position. She never appreciated my effort in getting her those offers, but then i found out that she was doing interview in the US. Although, supposely her intention is to 'get the job myself and i'll stay for short time period before I move' She didn't tell me this, but actually told it to our mentor, but she told the mentor not to tell me since I"ll get angry. So i found out and bam.. big fight.. name calling and giving final notice The next day, she call and said she want off of our relationship. She want a separation. She even took the ring off and told all her coworker that we are getting a divorce. I took a red eye flight back to the US to beg and plea with her but she wouldn't budge. At first, I didn't understand why she did move out. I start blaming her of 'ruining' our family and I wasn't sure if she really care about the baby.. since she 'left' her behind for such a long time. I beg and plea for almost 3 weeks but nothing change. Also, she started another project that will require alot of work until the middle of June, so I suspect she'll be happy if I leave her alone during those time. So I decided to come back to my country since my new job is starting really soon and I need to focused on it as well. Since then, I still email and call her sometimes, not everyday but nothing seem to change her mind. She usually email me about our kid progress (kid still staying with granparent now) but seem like she wanna limit our conversation to our 'kid' only and not us... okay.. my question is.. what should I do? it's absolutely killing me to have to go through this.... she said that after she's finish with her commitment in June, she'd like to go back to pick up our kid and 'maybe' find 'someway' to send my kid to see me in my country... she didn't say how the kid will see me.. since she's obviously can't travel by herself. So I have a slide hope that my wife will get through this separation period and finish her commitment (she's very determine people.. if she commit to something.. she really wanna do a good job for it).. I hope that she'll thaw out in June and allow me to spend some 'family time' together with her, me and the kid.. but then.. when I try to call/contact her now.. she's very cold to me.. i'm not sure how 'all the sudden' she'll allow me to spend family time with them.. what should I do?
sugarmomma Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 As a woman, it sounds like you have a bit of a temper and anger problem. Doesn't sound like she wanted to move from the us in the first place. You should make decsions together when married. Anger issues build into resentments and totally turn a couple against one another. I would suggest you get into some counseling for yourself and try to take a look at your own issues. In the meantime let her know that you do not blame the breakdown on her and that you are working to improve as a person. Men don't understand that you can get more bees with honey than you can with vinegar. If a man wants to get lots of sex and affection from a woman they have to be kind, loving, supportive, generous. It also has to be consistent and not every now and then because it won't be sincere.
Author edpowers Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Thanks for the reply.. i have some update about my life now.. any more advise would be greatly appreciated. It's been almost 2 1/2 months since my wife told me she want to be separated. I came back to my country and start working and just finish with getting my own condo and a brand new car. So far, my life back home is really good. I am working at second best ranking organizations (in my field) and making decent money (will eventually be great after I gain more experience and connection, my family have the same career path and made out nicely, earning even more than higher income in the US). Day-by-day, I have been getting really busy with everyday work and the work will really ramp up starting in 2 weeks and will eventually be very busy.. although my job is 'pretty' easy (some of you may already know what job i have )... so my point is.. i'm doing pretty well where I am and that was always the picture I drew for my wife and I that we 'could' have a really nice life back here as well as can be pretty 'international' if we need to.. since both of us (well at least for me, for now) have the US citizenship. So basically we can work, live or travel anywhere in the world, but for our kid, I think we should raise them in Asia first then send them over to the US when they are more mature, etc. However, my wife have one of those 'american dream' where she come from, it is the 'dream' to 'move to America' .. and that's probably the most accomplished thing they 'feel' over there (you probably know which country she's from too ) but i guess accidentally she fell in love and married me (partly maybe because of my social status AND the ability to provider her with greencard/citizenship, I guess) but now.. she succeeded in getting her greencard/citizenship and she finished school (with mostly) my funding. Coupling with I have been pretty bad/careless with her. So she decided to just leave me and stay in the US getting a really nice job (although at a very 'bad' city, according to our standard).... The more I think about it, the more it seem like she has been 'planning and plotting' this since awhile ago.. like i said in last post.. she hardly act affectionate or intimate with me, basically both of us kinda went through the motion after we had our baby.. I didn't noticed that since she pretty much was my first..so in a way, I really don't know how to show her that I love and care for her. I also have some bad temper (my bad) but I realized it's also on her parts to never really stop or slow me down and 'talk or compromise' plus she 'really' know how to push my button... Anyhow, I have been thinking that maybe I should just let her go, since in retrospective, it seems like we weren't compatible with each other anyway, esp, it seems like she wasn't really the one that try to be a good wife or friend to me. She really didn't take good care of me and looking back, i'm not even sure if she love me. Two weeks ago, I travelled to her home to see my daughter and treat her parent really nice (even drink alcohol with her dad for the first time after all these years, drinking alcohol at the dinner table is the showing of the respect sign, although I never drink and really hated it... i tried to show them that I tried) Also, at the table, I told them that if my wife (in the US) can't take care of my daughter (in her country with grandparent) I'm willing to take care of my daughter. I think my daughter deserve to be with either the dad or the mom and NOT her grandparent.. although the grandparent take 'great' care of my daughter. ... all they said was.. they can take better care of my daughter than anyone else blah blah. .and was pretty rude about it (well in their culture.. elder ALWAYS right, so I don't think they were being rude for the sake of being rude).. anyhow.. I also proposed to them that I want them to talk to my wife about spending about 2 weeks in my country when her commmitment in June is over and before she move to the new job in July, and during those two weeks we'll try to see if there is 'anything' left between us.. at all.. just for the sake of our daughter. After I came back from the trip, I also told my wife and she said she would 'think about it' but she hasn't give me an answer yet. Also, when I called my daughter and talk to my in-law.. the mom would just speak out (they don't speak English) but she would say.. ." XXXX (country) too hot.. no go, no go) and she even taught my daughter that (again probably didn't mean anything.. just being 'elder' and really don't know what to say.. although they are pretty educated, but they are 'not' that educated compared to me or my wife) ....oh I also offer her parent to come to my country for 3 days during those 2 weeks (14 days) that I wanna spend with my family.. and we all can stay at a beach front 5 stars hotel owned by a friend of mine, all paid for by me. But at least her mom is yelling out.. .no go Hot Hot . So i'm not even sure if her parent even care at all that their daughter is planing to be a single mom living in the US alone.. maybe they all wanted to be in the US and look for the new husband or whatever (my wife is sitll pretty looking although she's 34 going 35, and i'm not boasting.. on this.. in 'our' standard, she's is still very good looking and has model like figure and face, so she shouldn't have any trouble looking for a new husband) Okay.. my question is.. what should I do? I started to change from feeling from sorry (that I did all those 'wrong' thing) to sad and now.. i started to realized that it took two to tango, so when I did all those stupid thing in our relationship, my wife wasn't doing a very good job as a wife or a friend. So I'm not sure if I really should try hard to reconcile with her, esp after coming back to my country I have started a pretty good new life with a really high chance of remarrying a younger, rich, and more caring girls. Although the 'romantic' side of me still 'hoping' that maybe and just maybe we can still reconcile for the sake of our kid and maybe if we can start being couple again instead of having the inlaws dictate our life too much, maybe thing can work out in the end. The biggest problems is we live on two continents and it seems to me that she 'really' want a new life and maybe remarrying very soon. To our culture and my view, I will 'not' accept her back at all if she even start dating another guy, esp in my career/culture it's not acceptable to have your wife parading around with other men. Anyway, my questions are: - Should I just give her some more times to 'have space' and hope that she would consider visiting me in my country for 2 weeks and hope that her parent come too, so I can show them that I respect them and 'maybe' they can take care of my daughter while my wife and I can spend some 'couple' time together? How should I approach her if she come with or without her parent? - If she doesn't come to visit at all then it open up two opportunity 1. It probably mean.. she doesn't wanna work thing out at all and really hellbend on breaking up our family and stay in her 'American Dream' then should I just 1.1 Do Nothing - this is a strategy that my dad suggested to me. He claimed he has seen 'million cases' like mine (he and his friends were educated in the US) that a girl would not want to move since she already 'succeed' in getting the US citizenship and a good paying job in the US. He said, they only want the citizenship and the 'good life' and will not make sacrifice even for her family. So he suggest me to 'Do Nothing' meaning that although she will earn a six figured income and have a pretty respectable job in the US, but eventually her 'personality' will catch up to her since he called that the 'pretty and educated' girl syndrome. They hardly compromised or be patient and subsequently she'll 'always' have problems no matter who she is with or will be with in the future. So if I 'Do Nothing' by not supporting her (remember she's the one who want to 'break' this family) and she'll be earning pretty good money by herself and maybe her new husband 'should' at least be on the same social status as her, then financially she should be 'okay' besides.. during our years together she has always been using 'my money' and been saving her own income quite a bit (more than 250K in saving and stock). Stupid me I didn't understand the concept of 'joint' financial responsibility to build up family, so basically she's doing okay in the financial term. So instead of paying child support, I can just set up a trust fund for my daughter for her future college career, in case that she not 'given' back to me. My dad said that most likely that my wife will run into trouble with the new guy and we 'hope' that the new person won't want to raise my daughter and will both of them will run into trouble and maybe my wife will give my daughter back to me in the future. Note: my daughter doesn't even look like my wife AND technically my wife can not remarry another Asian again (don't think that our culture will accept a single mom with a package) so she most likely will have to marry an american (mostly white guy, it's their 'dream' specie ) ... so if I do nothing, maybe I'll get my daughter back if not.. she'll be in good hand when she grow up anyway. 2. Should I give her more time and space and then keep trying? although it seem to me that she's hell bend on staying in the US and hasn't realized yet that it wasn't 'completely' my false but both of us has a part in this? Okay.. any advise would be greatly appreciated.. thank you and have great day. So my question is what should I do?
Author edpowers Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 well to shorten my questions: 1. Should I just give her more time to think thing through? we are living country apart and during that time what should I do? just focus on my life? 2. Screw it.. just leave her alone with the kid.. with her problems.. she'll eventually get my kid back to me anyway? thanks
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 well to shorten my questions: 1. Should I just give her more time to think thing through? we are living country apart and during that time what should I do? just focus on my life? 2. Screw it.. just leave her alone with the kid.. with her problems.. she'll eventually get my kid back to me anyway? thanks I think you should get a lawyer and fight it. She's not even there! WTF? Why havent you got a lawyer when you first split to decide custody! This is how little kids grow up with selfish parents and others who are just to compliant to let it happen. Not saying your a doormat or anything but there's so many problems here, international law and custody being one of them. Another is are you guys still married because if you are that can still have reprecussions legally and romantically. How will you date others and be intimate if your still married, and your seperated wife is a world away. Why didnt you get a lawyer when you saw your kid and get papers for custody when you showed up?
Author edpowers Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Well... one thing.. I was in the phase of adjusting my life back here at home, with new job, home, car and other environments (I lived in the US for 15 yrs.. so it took sometimes to adjust)... I am telling her now that she MUST take our kid back to the US, since she should be with her mom (or dad) and so far she has agreed (reluctantly at first) to take our kid back with her (she's starting a new job in August/Sep at the new city (pretty bad compare to where we are at)... so she want to 'adjust' first then bring the kid 'later'. I told her that is unacceptable to keep being 'single' while our kid are with her parent in another country. Let me be clear, her parent take 'great' care of our kid. Honestly, they are probably better at taking care of her than either one of us could. So in someways, she's in good hand. Although, if my wife decided not to get our kid back sooner than later, then I might have to put some legal stuff on her. Basically I don't have ground in gaining my kid's custody since she's the mother, but technically I can 'ran her out' of money. We didn't sign prenup so technically I own half of her 250K plus I have the resources to run her out with lawyers fee, etc. But I probably don't wanna go that route IF she bring our kid back to her in the US. Like I said, there is a high chance that she'll try to remarry very soon. She has been giving me 'hints' about it throughout the years (although we were stupidly joking about nonsense a lot..but I realized that those joking may be based on the truth). My dad predicted that once she get remarry, then she will not be able to keep our kid any longer.. imagine... raising a child that look like me with the new husband? All the chaos, and we predict that a 'pretty and educated' girl like her ALWAYS gonna run into trouble with the new men, unless she is willing to compromise in the relationship, so there are some chances (not sure how high it is) that eventually I'll get my daughter back without a big scene of law suits, etc. Sometimes 'Do Nothing' is a good strategy (at least in the business sense) since she (and myself) has committed some stupid moves now.. there is no reason to believe she won't stumble again in the future. so first scenario, she will live a good 'American Dream' life... and will be able to raise our kid then it's good for both of them and I can still set up a trust fund for my daughter college life or whatever. Then, I can go my own separate way and do really good with my life, I'm still young, somewhat rich and definitely will be successful (in my field at least)... I should be able to find a younger, more compatible, and more obedience girl who will truly care for me and I'll need to apply all my best practices to the new relationship (life) and hope for the best. and if 'somedays' my daughter need me.. I will definitely take care of her..... I just think of how my wife is 'breaking up' our family and 'planning' to make my kid a single-parent kid as Karma... i mean.. really.. that's the only way to look at it. If my wife is 'selfish' enough to do all those thing to us now, why wouldn't she do it again in the future? Then my daughter will be able to resume her normal life with her dad... whenever that maybe... 2nd scenario, if she end up remarrying or finding trouble in life (well her new job is extremely secure, respectable and earning really good money - I'll come clean.. she'll be teaching at a really good business school somewhere in a really bad city, while I'll be teaching at the top 20 university in Asia) ... but if she somehow find trouble, esp with her new 'relationship' then hopefully she won't be cruel to let my kid stay in that trouble and might just give back my daughter to me..... I asked her to spend sometimes with me after her part time teaching is done in late June (she's teaching 3 part time (2 Universities) and also working full time 9-5.. so her schedule is really busy and stressful, thus one of the reason we fought over the phone prior to our split; although she never told me how stressful she was.... but she also kept the secret that she was also looking for a full time position else where and didn't tell me) Please advise after reading my sorry life..... i'm doing pretty good right now.. finishing up my own condo, decorating it like a total bachelor pad, job is starting really good, and getting a brand new car next week... so i'm pretty much rolling now.. except that I wish thing could go back to be normal (whatever that mean) and I still have my family to talk and plan our future together, but I guess my wife doesn't want any of these 'good thing' that I drew up for her.. instead she want to get out to the uncertain 'Dream'o of her..... well
Author edpowers Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 update: I emailed her asking her to start filing for a divorce before she move to her new job in late July. Also, I want her to pick up our daughter back asap and guess what? She called me and pretty much sweet talk blah blah and at the end asked if she can take our daughter back at the 'end of the year' instead of when she's beginning her new job. I said no.. and told her to start looking for information within a week, since she'll be better off being 'single' again in the new city/environment. I didn't ask her to 'work thing out' again but she said the whole process usually take at least a year, Is that true? At the end she ask 'Are you seeing anyone now?' what the hell is she thinking? is she hinting that she might want to reconsider to reconcile is thing doesn't go her way in the new job? (say.. she won't find a guy in a year, then we still are marry? pls advice...
seibert253 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 update: I emailed her asking her to start filing for a divorce before she move to her new job in late July. Also, I want her to pick up our daughter back asap and guess what? She called me and pretty much sweet talk blah blah and at the end asked if she can take our daughter back at the 'end of the year' instead of when she's beginning her new job. I said no.. and told her to start looking for information within a week, since she'll be better off being 'single' again in the new city/environment. I didn't ask her to 'work thing out' again but she said the whole process usually take at least a year, Is that true? At the end she ask 'Are you seeing anyone now?' what the hell is she thinking? is she hinting that she might want to reconsider to reconcile is thing doesn't go her way in the new job? (say.. she won't find a guy in a year, then we still are marry? pls advice... Sounds like she wants to keep you around as a back up, in case she doesn't meet someone who's acceptable to her standards, IE; lots of cash in hand. When she asks if you're seeing anyone, tell her it's none of her business. She chose this, she has to live with it. I think you should move forward with you divorce. Later, down the road, if things work out between you and your wife, great. But, in case they don't, you do not want to waste months or years in limboland.
tobias Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 ok...never done this before so forgive me if i ramble on,will try and keep it short and to the point. My wife cheated on me with a coworker a couple weeks back.she insisted that it wasnt planned although the day after,told me they confessed feelings for each other a couple months or so previous,but decided nothing could happen due to her being married.She said that she put this to the back of her mind and just got on with trying to work on us....we've been having big problems for a while.I do beleive her on this.Id been trying to get closer to my wife and showing her how much i loved her for some months yet she was finding it hard to reciprocate due to past bad experiences between us and i think now...maybe because of this?weve had our ups n downs but on the whole,we've had a great relationship together.we been married 12 years and have a 6 year old child and because of us moving from her home town to mine some years previously,she felt alone during the early years of our childs life.my family were going thru divorce etc so we had no support from anybody from day one..and i think this is where the badness started to set in.I must stress,this has nothing to do with our son...he's an amazing little boy and we both love and cherish him more than anything. Basically,i havent been there for her as much as i should have,and in particular there have been a couple of massive issue in which i have let her down badly...i kinda feel its inappropriate to discusss in great detail here but the 2nd one is along the lines of an unplanned pregnancy 3 years ago and my negative initial reaction and eventual awful outcome.plus a host of other issues involving an unbeleivable catalogue of family disasters and my chasing of hopeless dreams. This all hit me like a freightliner 6 months back.we'd been having recurring arguments in which these issues kept coming up yet for some stupid reason unbeknown to myself,i kept ignoring what was being said to me.eventually it dawned and the sheer remorse,regret and sorrow i felt,and will always feel for the pain id unintenionally caused my poor wife started to hit me.It was around about this time that she met this dude. I honestly never meant to hurt her and the fact that i have...tears me apart inside.Although i cant condone the cheating i can fully see why things led that way.she has never cheated in all our years together and i know she feels bad about it. I love her so much and so want to make amends for my past unbeleivable,totally unintentional blind insensitivity that i can forgive her for this,knowing that i had some part to play in it all.However,we had a week or so 'space' after the event so that she could work out where to go,what to do etc.i came back at the weekend,she was still unsure but throughout explained that too much has happened between us to carry on.we went to counselling earlier and that didnt help us work things out. so now....we are seperated.im moving out tomorrow as my wife wants space to find herself.she says she still loves me,is attracted to me etc..but doesnt see how we can work it out the way things are and that shes terrified of being hurt again.she tells me that nothing further will happen with this guy as it was a stupid mistake that shouldntve happened.She explained that this was so out of character for her and she feels ashamed with herself.i want to believe her but dont know whether,if he provided so much comfort to her during those months,can she now just forget about him?i know he wasnt the cause of what has happened to us but the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.....i dunno. Ive always been a bit of a talker about career plans...but always with what i thought were good intensions for 'us'. but ive horribly since realised,were pretty much about 'me'.she says that no matter how much i say i will change my ways r.e getting a decent career,proving that her and my child are my number one priority etc...she cant beleive it untill she sees action over words and that maybe,in 6 months or so,if i can prove this off my own back then we could have a chance to get back together.she does seem genuinely distraught that we've ended up like this and i know she feels enormous guilt for what she did.i know what i need to do and i already have plans to put into action.i want nothing more than to be with my wife and be the husband i shouldve been...and to show my love and affection for her the same way she did to me for so long. The pain im feeling is unbelivable,yet its probably only a fraction of what she felt for the last 2-3 years.altho its the last thing i feel right now,i know i need to show my strength and total proof in my actions if i have any chance of getting her back.all i wanna do is apologise and show her how sorry i am but i know that will have a detrimental effect.i miss her so much and this is only the first day.........how do i get thru this???i know i need to give her the space she needs but 6 months is a long time and im s**t scared that she'll realise shes better off without me.i want her and my gorgeous son back so much its tearing me apart inside....:-( :-(
Author edpowers Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Sounds like she wants to keep you around as a back up, in case she doesn't meet someone who's acceptable to her standards, IE; lots of cash in hand. When she asks if you're seeing anyone, tell her it's none of her business. She chose this, she has to live with it. I think you should move forward with you divorce. Later, down the road, if things work out between you and your wife, great. But, in case they don't, you do not want to waste months or years in limboland. Yep sound like a plan to me. She really need to choose now whether she want to be a: Single woman with no kid with brand new lifedivorce woman with a daughtermarried woman living long distance for awhile and working thing out and then move to Asia to enjoy the high life here. I gotta thanks her though, if she didn't do all these dumping thing to me, I'd have still have no clue on how to deal with relationship. For better or for worse.. I'll be alright now. If she realized what she has done is wrong and she will ask for reconciliation then I'll try to work on it, as long as both of us have to change big time, at least to each other. If she choose not to reconcile, then I'll pretty much be big pimpin' big time for a few more years then find another person that will truly be my wife and mother of my future child. I feel so liberated now, it's amazing!
seibert253 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 ok...never done this before so forgive me if i ramble on,will try and keep it short and to the point. My wife cheated on me with a coworker a couple weeks back.she insisted that it wasnt planned although the day after,told me they confessed feelings for each other a couple months or so previous,but decided nothing could happen due to her being married.She said that she put this to the back of her mind and just got on with trying to work on us....we've been having big problems for a while.I do beleive her on this.Id been trying to get closer to my wife and showing her how much i loved her for some months yet she was finding it hard to reciprocate due to past bad experiences between us and i think now...maybe because of this?weve had our ups n downs but on the whole,we've had a great relationship together.we been married 12 years and have a 6 year old child and because of us moving from her home town to mine some years previously,she felt alone during the early years of our childs life.my family were going thru divorce etc so we had no support from anybody from day one..and i think this is where the badness started to set in.I must stress,this has nothing to do with our son...he's an amazing little boy and we both love and cherish him more than anything. Basically,i havent been there for her as much as i should have,and in particular there have been a couple of massive issue in which i have let her down badly...i kinda feel its inappropriate to discusss in great detail here but the 2nd one is along the lines of an unplanned pregnancy 3 years ago and my negative initial reaction and eventual awful outcome.plus a host of other issues involving an unbeleivable catalogue of family disasters and my chasing of hopeless dreams. This all hit me like a freightliner 6 months back.we'd been having recurring arguments in which these issues kept coming up yet for some stupid reason unbeknown to myself,i kept ignoring what was being said to me.eventually it dawned and the sheer remorse,regret and sorrow i felt,and will always feel for the pain id unintenionally caused my poor wife started to hit me.It was around about this time that she met this dude. I honestly never meant to hurt her and the fact that i have...tears me apart inside.Although i cant condone the cheating i can fully see why things led that way.she has never cheated in all our years together and i know she feels bad about it. I love her so much and so want to make amends for my past unbeleivable,totally unintentional blind insensitivity that i can forgive her for this,knowing that i had some part to play in it all.However,we had a week or so 'space' after the event so that she could work out where to go,what to do etc.i came back at the weekend,she was still unsure but throughout explained that too much has happened between us to carry on.we went to counselling earlier and that didnt help us work things out. so now....we are seperated.im moving out tomorrow as my wife wants space to find herself.she says she still loves me,is attracted to me etc..but doesnt see how we can work it out the way things are and that shes terrified of being hurt again.she tells me that nothing further will happen with this guy as it was a stupid mistake that shouldntve happened.She explained that this was so out of character for her and she feels ashamed with herself.i want to believe her but dont know whether,if he provided so much comfort to her during those months,can she now just forget about him?i know he wasnt the cause of what has happened to us but the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.....i dunno. Ive always been a bit of a talker about career plans...but always with what i thought were good intensions for 'us'. but ive horribly since realised,were pretty much about 'me'.she says that no matter how much i say i will change my ways r.e getting a decent career,proving that her and my child are my number one priority etc...she cant beleive it untill she sees action over words and that maybe,in 6 months or so,if i can prove this off my own back then we could have a chance to get back together.she does seem genuinely distraught that we've ended up like this and i know she feels enormous guilt for what she did.i know what i need to do and i already have plans to put into action.i want nothing more than to be with my wife and be the husband i shouldve been...and to show my love and affection for her the same way she did to me for so long. The pain im feeling is unbelivable,yet its probably only a fraction of what she felt for the last 2-3 years.altho its the last thing i feel right now,i know i need to show my strength and total proof in my actions if i have any chance of getting her back.all i wanna do is apologise and show her how sorry i am but i know that will have a detrimental effect.i miss her so much and this is only the first day.........how do i get thru this???i know i need to give her the space she needs but 6 months is a long time and im s**t scared that she'll realise shes better off without me.i want her and my gorgeous son back so much its tearing me apart inside....:-( :-( Wow, where do I start. First, nothing you did, or did not do, made your wife unfaithful. That was a choice she made. You had no say in it. Nothing you did justifies her actions. She's blameshifting and you're falling for it. Second, infidelity doesn't "just happen". Two people plan to engage in an action that at least one of these knew is wrong. The planning doesn't have to take long, a few moments will suffice. Your wife knew this was wrong, but chose it anyway. Third, you attempted counseling but stopped. Why? Not all counselors are the same. You need to find one that fits your personalities and one that shares the same goals and desires. Sounds to me your wife is willing work on this. The right counselor can work wonders. Forth. Are you absolutely sure your wife has ended contact with the OM? Many times when wives want a seperation it's because they want a test ride, (no pun intented), with the OM to see where it goes. The husband is kept as a back-up in case the OM doesn't work out. Fifth. Your wife doesn't want to be hurt again? WTF? What about you? She's the one who was unfaithful, you had no say in it. Have you brought this to her attention? Last. Why seperate to "see where this goes"? You've identified your shortcomings and are willing to address them. What are her shortcomings? What can she do to fix this and heal? Have you told her? If not, you need to. This is not about only fixing you, this is about fixing both of you. After reading your post, it doesn't seem she sees her own problems. Again, this needs to be addressed in counseling. When a seperation occurs, the majority of these marriages result in divorce. Doesn't sound like this is what you want. You need to emphasis to your wife if she wants to fix this, you need to do it together. How can she "see" the changes if you're not living together? Do not leave your home. Let her know you are not going to move out. If she wants to leave, you are not going to stop her, but you prefer to work this out together.
tobias Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Wow, where do I start. First, nothing you did, or did not do, made your wife unfaithful. That was a choice she made. You had no say in it. Nothing you did justifies her actions. She's blameshifting and you're falling for it. Second, infidelity doesn't "just happen". Two people plan to engage in an action that at least one of these knew is wrong. The planning doesn't have to take long, a few moments will suffice. Your wife knew this was wrong, but chose it anyway. Third, you attempted counseling but stopped. Why? Not all counselors are the same. You need to find one that fits your personalities and one that shares the same goals and desires. Sounds to me your wife is willing work on this. The right counselor can work wonders. Forth. Are you absolutely sure your wife has ended contact with the OM? Many times when wives want a seperation it's because they want a test ride, (no pun intented), with the OM to see where it goes. The husband is kept as a back-up in case the OM doesn't work out. Fifth. Your wife doesn't want to be hurt again? WTF? What about you? She's the one who was unfaithful, you had no say in it. Have you brought this to her attention? Last. Why seperate to "see where this goes"? You've identified your shortcomings and are willing to address them. What are her shortcomings? What can she do to fix this and heal? Have you told her? If not, you need to. This is not about only fixing you, this is about fixing both of you. After reading your post, it doesn't seem she sees her own problems. Again, this needs to be addressed in counseling. When a seperation occurs, the majority of these marriages result in divorce. Doesn't sound like this is what you want. You need to emphasis to your wife if she wants to fix this, you need to do it together. How can she "see" the changes if you're not living together? Do not leave your home. Let her know you are not going to move out. If she wants to leave, you are not going to stop her, but you prefer to work this out together. Hey...thanks for the reply.I totally agree with you on the infidelity,she had the choice,knew what she was doing and shouldnt have done it period.ive made that point and she does agree....i know she feels regret for doing it. After re-reading my post and listening to friends opinions on this,it does seem like im blaming myself wholly for what happened and to a certain extent i do.im not making excuses for her behaviour,as i said she knew what she was doing but after the way ive unintentionally neglected,taken her for granted i guess it was inevitable.i just never ever thought it would come to this.Ive had no reason in our 13 years together to have ever doubted her faithfullness.Since the badness started to set in and the recurring issues kept becoming more and more apparent....she has always broken down in tears saying how i always used to be her hero and that 3 years ago she wouldve done anything for me.blimey she did.....she moved 200 miles away from the home town and family she adored to follow me and my career dreams,which have since amounted to nothing,all because of her love for me.As long as i had you,nothing else mattered to me she said.just writing that has practically got me in floods of tears.I let her down so badly through a catalogue of hard times she was going thru.......yet when i was taking all the flak from my parents divorce,my fathers breakdown,my immediate family turning against each other etc..she was there for me.i do feel sickened by the way ive been and if i ever find a time machine,i'll be straight back those dark days to give myself a good hard slap. That aint going to happen though is it.the sheer remorse,regret and deep sorrow for the pain ive caused my wife is overwhelming and all i want,is the chance to express this to her and show her how much i love her,that i'd never let any one or anything ever hurt her again.I dont wanna become a doormat but the pain ive felt these last few months from her checking out emotionally to the last 2 weeks of discovering her night of infidelity,is the most intense pain ive ever experienced and if its a fraction of what shes been feeling for the last few years,then ive gotten off lightly.I know how that makes me look but if she were willing to try again,i could bury that instantly....what goes around comes around i guess. Pretty much,i think ive blown it.shes adamant she wants this six months of space and there isnt much i can do about it.The counseller basically confirmed that for the last few years,our relationship has pretty much been about me being propped up by my wife,whilst during that time she herself needed propping up.She says that she wants to spend the time focussing on her issues with the termination,her infidelity,time for herself and time with our son...she feels she missed out a lot during his early years due to the lack of support and the fact she was back at work within 3 months of having him. She says i need to sort myself out too...which i do agree with.because of the hell our families have thrown upon us and the stuff we've been thru,im not the person i was.negative,withdrawn,lack of confidence blah blah.she wants to see me happy,sticking at something and following it through,start taking life by the horns again,become the aspirational person i was when she fell in love with me,to feel that im strong enough to support her and our son,make some friends etc....she is right,i need to do that and i need to do it for myself as well as her and my dear little boy.She tells me that if we can do this,we'll be back together in six months and carrying on with our plans to move back to her home town,100% committed to us and making amends to me for what she did.Throughout all of this she has said she can only come back if she feels she can commit 100%,at the moment she cant.. I want nothing more.but i dont wanna hold onto that in case this is all just a stall for time to see how things shape up with him,6 months is a long time.she still works with him and i think theyve been texting.....i brought this up today and she says its only been one or two,hes a friend and theyve both admitted what happened was a mistake and she doesnt want anything with him (or me at the moment)etc.but ultimately,i dont know.she wont admit to having a thing for him and the more i press this the worse it gets. I think all i can do is to try and pull myself together and work on getting myself fixed....and hope she means it when she says she isnt just gonna throw 12 years of marriage away for the sake of a drunken mistake,which happened in response to what was going on with us. Its the toughest thing ive ever had to face and i hope we can pull it off.Our son is spending the day and night with a friend tommorrow so we're getting out of this damn place for a day by the sea on our own..i doubt anything miraculous will happen im just hoping it'll be a day of peace and reflection. Sorry about all of this rambling,its pretty damn depressing to read i know but it kinda helps to get it out.Its driving me insane lol.
Admiral Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 The relationship is OVER. She has all the power in it. Separation = ZERO attraction. End it, move on, find other women.
WTFO Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 The relationship is OVER. She has all the power in it. Separation = ZERO attraction. End it, move on, find other women. x2! It Sucks I know. She DOESN'T want it. Move on and worry about YOU and the child. In 6 months you might snap out of it and realize what the F has this chick done to me. Or go the other way and she might come around realizing her mistakes. But, by then you might not even care. I wish you the best bro. I'm kind of in the same boat.
tobias Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 well......i dunno how i managed it but i made her see the light on saturday.it was hard as hell to start with.....trying to keep my emotions in check,trying not to say anything about what has happened and just concentrating on having a nice day together.we ended up checking into a b and b and went for a meal then spent the night huddled up in a cosy pub,drinking and laughing the whole time.it felt like us for the first time in god knows how long and it felt amazing. We shared a bed that night and as much as i wanted something to happen...i didnt let myself even think about it.she hugged me in a way that she hasnt since all these issues started rearing their heads.Anyway,something did happen the next morning and afterwards she burst into tears saying how sorry she was for nearly blowing our marriage.apparently the day had mmade her realize that she couldnt have this with anybody else and that she wouldnt want it with anybody else.she wants to go back to counselling and has finally admitted that she wants another child. im stoked.....!yeah ok we've got some work to do but the fact that she wants to give it her all has made my year.we're going ahead with our plans to move away and tomorrow,we're going out to look for some new wedding rings. I knew we still had something there....i guess i just needed to show her.i went down to the beach with the thought that we were over so all i wanted to do was to just be myself. Early days....but its looking good!she has ended contact with that dude and is hell bent on proving to me that nothing like that will happen again.obviously im wary but i think i beleive her.....for her to say things she has and even her actions over the last two days,i know its genuine. so hopefully we can move on from this nightmare and look to a bright future.....fingers crossed!:-)
WTFO Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 well......i dunno how i managed it but i made her see the light on saturday.it was hard as hell to start with.....trying to keep my emotions in check,trying not to say anything about what has happened and just concentrating on having a nice day together.we ended up checking into a b and b and went for a meal then spent the night huddled up in a cosy pub,drinking and laughing the whole time.it felt like us for the first time in god knows how long and it felt amazing. We shared a bed that night and as much as i wanted something to happen...i didnt let myself even think about it.she hugged me in a way that she hasnt since all these issues started rearing their heads.Anyway,something did happen the next morning and afterwards she burst into tears saying how sorry she was for nearly blowing our marriage.apparently the day had mmade her realize that she couldnt have this with anybody else and that she wouldnt want it with anybody else.she wants to go back to counselling and has finally admitted that she wants another child. im stoked.....!yeah ok we've got some work to do but the fact that she wants to give it her all has made my year.we're going ahead with our plans to move away and tomorrow,we're going out to look for some new wedding rings. I knew we still had something there....i guess i just needed to show her.i went down to the beach with the thought that we were over so all i wanted to do was to just be myself. Early days....but its looking good!she has ended contact with that dude and is hell bent on proving to me that nothing like that will happen again.obviously im wary but i think i beleive her.....for her to say things she has and even her actions over the last two days,i know its genuine. so hopefully we can move on from this nightmare and look to a bright future.....fingers crossed!:-) That's awesome, good luck. The kid thing did scare me though.
seibert253 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Man I'm so stoked her WTF am I doing light switch went on. Best of luck my man.
Author edpowers Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 update: I'm the OP (original poster ) So.. I send a long email to my wife last week basically given her the ultimatum to either choose to be 1) single woman without a kid, 2) divorce woman with a kid or 3) trying to work thing out and move to Asia to build our family together after she get the citizenship next year. Two more days to go until the dateline (June 10). A few days ago, I called my daughter and the funny thing is she picked up the phone instead of sitting at the couch watching dvd or play. Basically the in-laws make some effort to allow me to talk to my daughter after I threaten to file for divorce. Also, my wife's mom told me in broken English that my daughter will go back to the US in October, instead of original date (Dec). I am not sure what to do? on one hand, they know I mean business this time (to be a man and not a boy like she always called me). I know she's moving to the new city in the beginning of July, but really... I still don't think that her moving to the new area really have anything to do with 'waiting' until October to bring my kid back. Am I being to paranoid that basically she's 'buying time'? I still suspect that the only reason she's 'waiting' until later dates are that she's has been seeing somebody and thus doesn't want to take our kid back to the US? However, maybe I think too much... since I really hope that my wife is not 'that' cruel.. but after all the thing she put me through, i'm not even sure anymore. There are two obvious choices for me to take. 1) if she doen't bring our kid back by this month (June) then I can do a few things to at least make her life more unpleasant. Can I make a police report that she has kidnapped my daughter and insist on keeping her in another country?Basically email (or meet) with her future colleagues and inform them about 'our' situation, again not to try to convince the colleagues that she's a bad person but to at least inform them that she lied about her not having a family basically put more pressure on her to bring the kid back asap?File for divorce and asking for a 50/50 split of our/her asset.. basically make her life more chaos (now.. it's pretty good actually, living like a single, having new job, no responsibility... u know if I do all those thing to force her basically to 'get back' and teach the bitch a lesson.. also I am not sure what I have to do, on one hand... I think to myself that I should leave her alone and allow her to do whatever with my daughter.. after all she 'should' still care for her.. although i'm not sure how much she really care, since she abandoned her and breakup our family and no second chance whatsoever. But on the other hand.. I wanna payback the bitch.. for causing all these problems to me and my daughter.. .to be a 'grown up' a 'mature' man, I should just let it go.. after all.. I am living a really good life back in my country and she will be pushing 35 with a kid (hopefully if she take my daughter back) and living in a ****ty town (but having a pretty god job though)... what should I do? another question about getting the divorce.. she seem to be 'surprise' by my request to divorce.. is there an explanation other than wanting to keep me as 'backup' in case her life doesn't work out? could it be that if we are legally separated (move the address out of my house) for certain period of time.. say 6 months or whatever, then she'll have more bargaining power during the divorce? if that the case then I must act fast before the ball is completely in her court... pls advice
Author edpowers Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Another update: emailed the wife asking for the divorce and she was very agitated, sad and depress. Saying that she's so busy now with the multiples job, new job in July, moving, health insurance, and (finally) planning to bring my daughter to stay with her and move to the new city. She has no time to get the divorce done. What should I do? I still think that I should file for the divorce asap, I can't let her go 'out in the wild and hook up with another man (not that she hasn't done it already), I'll be devastated and if the news spread back to where I live/work it could really hinder my career... pls advice!
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Another update: emailed the wife asking for the divorce and she was very agitated, sad and depress. Saying that she's so busy now with the multiples job, new job in July, moving, health insurance, and (finally) planning to bring my daughter to stay with her and move to the new city. She has no time to get the divorce done. What should I do? I still think that I should file for the divorce asap, I can't let her go 'out in the wild and hook up with another man (not that she hasn't done it already), I'll be devastated and if the news spread back to where I live/work it could really hinder my career... pls advice! You need to file asap! This joke of a marriage has gone on long enough!!! Y'all been separated by jobs and circumstances and she and you are both putting your career's in front of each other, that isnt no marriage, that's a business deal. You need to end it. Because you want to move on with your life legally and rightfully.
Author edpowers Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 update to my story: Met my wife in china a few weeks ago. She won't budge and she said it outright that she doesn't want to move back (backward) to Asia. She want to be in the US (teaching 'those' American). When I was with her, I kinda still feel that she and I was somewhat still friend, but obviously she has shunned from having the 'extra' feeling the one beyond really really good friend. So I guess she decided. She also took our daughter back to the US and ask me to help with child support. Remember that she'll be making 100K+ (well much worse now since the budget crisis and tax and all) but she'll be making at least 60K after tax and expenses and I am only making very little back in Asia (although.. I have lot of potentials to earn more.. much more.. this is not boasting.. but as a professor in the top university, it's only the matter of time for me to go far.. really far, e.g. consultant, politics, etc... but it'll take time. So I told her that we should get a divorce then, sine obviously she doesn't want to move and have our family together. She even admit that our daughter might not be better off with her, since she'll have to work really hard, single parent, etc. but she still take her anyway. Long story short(er)... I came back to country and kinda recoup on my work (hasn't been paying attention for the last few months).. and actually haven't contact both my wife and daughter back (they are back in the US now) She wrote me two emails but I don't feel like I want to reply..... I kinda have the feeling that I want her to raise my daughter alone and 'suffer' a bit... remember that she's making good money and having nice job.. teaching at the top 50 school in the US, but just having our daughter around will defenitely make her life harder (compare to the last year where she practically stay single by herself doing whatever she wants).. well at least she said it herself anyway, originally she didn't want to bring our daughter back until December 09, because she would be 'busy' moving to the new city, job, etc, but I told her if she doesn't take our daughter back to the US where she belong, then I would take our daughter to be with me until she's ready to take her back, so my wife 'had to' take our daughter back to the Us to 'prevent' me from taking my daughter. What should I do? I want do a total NC on her and my daughter, since that will give her some space to really 'taste' the reality. I kinda guess that she'll have a 'bit' of hard time the first few months, but afterward she'll be doing okay with our daughter. After all, she's a very smart and hard working woman and really being a professor is NOT that hard after all. My question is.. should I file the divorce NOW or give her a few months? say Dec when I'll have time to sign the paper (I think I don't really need to travel there to sign)... actually I told her NOT to play anything funny about our divorce since she' the one who'd dumping me (and our presumably good future together, esp when it's come to our daughter; we believe that raising her in Asia is 'better' since she'll be more grounded in an Asian way, but she still take my daughter back to the US anyway.. since she want to stay in the US) should I inititate the process? Basically I kinda want to get it done asap, since I already make up my mind, that I don't want my wife anymore. I have been 'too nice' with her and let her take advantages of everything in our family. True! sometimes I might not be the 'mature' or 'good husband' but now I have realized some of my flaws in the past but then at the same time I realized that my wife has been 'shutting down' on me both emotionally and physically years ago, it seems like she complete made up her mind and really didn't want to work together years ago and all her complaints that we grew apart, I get 'too angry', we are not compatible are just a bunch of Bulls .. to me.. I realized that she intentionally do the 'shut down' thing to get out of this relationship.. esp she already got the green card from me.. (the daughter was unplanned ) What's my situation on raising my daughter? I'll wait to hear some of the responses first and i'll go in detail about what I think I can be a part of her life (or not) i'm not even sure anymore pls advice!
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Your joking right! You still havent filed for divorce??? WTF are you waiting for! Your daughter needs stability. why are you procrasinating.you need to shove the divorce papers down the woman's throat and get it done. Stop all that waffling!
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