scarlet419 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I have been with a wonderful man for nearly 2 years. I am 29 and he is 33. I moved to be closer to him last year and feel closer than ever to him. We rarely argue and when we do, it's over in 10 minutes, he's patient and an all around great guy. I do love him and we are starting to talk about our futures. I have never been one to date much. In fact, he's only the 4th boyfriend I've ever had. He's the best thing that has happened to me but I don't have much to compare him to. However, I am bombarded with people who talk about having met their "soul mate", or getting married to their "best friend" etc. I feel that Ryan is my best friend, and I can't imagine anyone better suited for me than him, even with his quirks. But should I be having these gushy feelings of romance? Is it a problem that i am not oozing with sappy, googly eyed love? Should I be wondering if I need to date more? Should I be scared to death of marriage? My parents are still together, but his have been divorced and remarried several times. I am scared and admitedly dealing with some depression. I want to direct this post to anyone who has been in my situation, doubting the situation but not the person I guess. Is this relationship doomed because I am having these questions? Are they serious "doubts" that I should be concerned about. What makes a love last? What's in a relationship or a "soul mate" beyond just "knowing"? A lot of questions I know....but I am hoping someone can relate. Thanks for your time.
sadie20 Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 Hi, i havent been in your position so cant relate to what your feeling, but i think that if you have to question yourself all the time whether its the right thing to do then you are definately not ready to marry. I believe if you truly want to get married there shouldnt really be any doubts in your mind. And it seems to me you are having alot of doubts x
Scottdmw Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 This site may be able to help in your situation: http://www.emotionallyengaged.com/workshops.htm Scott
Molley Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I finally married when I was a few months shy of 30. Did the dating thing and then I found my H, we dated and then lived together for 4 years before finally deciding to get married. In the beginning we had all that gushy, mushy love stuff, but by the time we got married, we were committed and happy together. Our love had moved on and grown beyond that "soul mate" crap. We're best friends, .. soul mates? what the H does that really mean? People can have more than one soul mate through out life. We wanted to be together, we knew that we made each other happy, yet we also knew that when we weren't together we were also happy. And for almost 14 yrs of marriage we were happy. Unfortuntely right now we're going through some very dark times, I just found out he had an affair and now he's no longer committed like I am to the marriage. However, I do see that the affair is the symptom of what happened when we both stopped nurturing our marriage. Yes, an affair can not be excused... he shouldn't have done what he did, the pain is unbearable right now. But, I believe that if you take care of a marriage, don't forget about it, it will remain true and you'll remain happy. We forgot about that little fact. Despite this awfullness that we going through, we have remained best friends, making it both more difficult and less difficult because we don't know how things will turn out for us right now, and we're both scared. So, if you love him, feel good around him, are his best friend and want to make him happy. That's the goal... to make each other happy... then marry the guy. Nuture the marriage, be kind to each other and don't worry about how other peoples lives have turned out, because other peoples marriages are never a reflection on your own. And no marriage is a guarantee.
cali lady Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 i used to feel exactly like you. you can even look at posts of mine from a long time ago, i think i was right around 29 when i first posted my problem. i was only with one other person before my boyfriend (now husband). i loved my boyfriend and knew he was a great guy but wasnt confident he was "the one". we've been married over a year now and have a baby and i love and appreciate him more then ever. I'm so glad i didnt let the fairytale idea that i see on tv/movies/books etc stop me from continuing in this relationship. who knows how i'll feel ten years from now but as of today i'm totally happy with my decision and hope that i'm with him forever. i dont think i've ever responded to a post before but i felt compelled to respond to this one since our stories are similar. good luck making your decision
sotired Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 The sappy googly eyed feeling usually doesn't last very long. From your post I see no reason not to marry him....Except for the fact that you made this post to begin with If you are questioning it...then I would hold off until you are sure.
delajoonal Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 not sure if this has anything to do with your particular situation...but maybe it does? my grandmother often told me, " we should marry someone that loves us MORE than we love them" not sure what IT used to mean..until i met my dh... now, 13 years married later, my dh had an online EA, no PA.. they broke it off, he still wants a divorce.. SO, my point or if i have one (im in a FOG these days) my grandmother said to marry someone that loves YOU MORE than you love them... BUT..she never said, that in the END, i would love my dh more than HE loves me:( also, my dh had NOT dated alot...i mean at all really, before we got married.. so if that is on your mind...if you feel that you have not dated enough, or if there is that special 'spark' you know you should feel, but are NOT feeling...than maybe this guy is not for you.. Scottdmv listed a link to a website that looks like it could really be helpful to you at this point?
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I am in the same position as you are right now. And on my end, I couldnt think of any other guy to marry than my fiance. He's just as quirky and positive as I am, as well as we both have the same sets of attitudes, traits and characteristics, sometimes we refer to each other as twins because of the similarities. But when we talked about getting married and settling down, it feels right talking to him about it because I see myself growing old with him and having kids. It's not about fear or doubts but what you feel inside when you think about marrying him...
Author scarlet419 Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 Thanks everyone for your input. If there is one thing I should know, it's that the couples that you compare your relationship to, are never what they appear to be. I have a good, stable relationship that isn't perfect but good and I can appreciate that.
Recommended Posts