AngelGirl214 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and together for 6. I love him very much. But last year (May 2007) I found out that he'd been cheating on me for, he claims, 3 months (She claimed it's been going on since he and I first started dating). First off, let me explain my definition of cheating. I don't only view it as sexual interactions but emotional as well. I stumbled upon some text messages between the two of them on his phone. Mainly they consisted of him telling her that he loved her, that he was leaving me, and that he'd picked out an engagement ring for her. When I confronted him, he said there were no text messages on the phone and then when I showed him he started coming up with explanations. Saying he did it because he felt like I didn't care anymore. Which I can understand but he should have come to me and talked about it instead of trying to get my attention with someone else. He said he was sorry but never specifically for what. Now, he's getting e-mails from her asking him to tell me to leave her alone. I haven't spoken with her ever since I found out about the affair. I've forgiven him but he hasn't gained my trust back yet. I want to forget it ever happened but something is always reminding me of it (like the e-mails he's getting). I dwell on it for days at a time and it hurts just as much as the day I found out if not more so. Please, someone help me figure out a way to get past this and move on with life.
TaraMaiden Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 It's very easy: he has to completely terminate all contact with this woman. You have to both attend counselling. His affair is not your fault, so he must stop trying to put it onto your shoulders, but your marriage is the responsibility of BOTH of you, so something needs addressing. The only question remains is are you both 100% committed to saving it? _/l\_
sugarmomma Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 It's really hard when the person who hurt and betrayed you doesn't show real remorse or repentance for the harm they have caused. Wow, for him to totally blame you is just calculating and diabolical. I would leave him because if he truly cared and loved you he would have never cheated. Once a person becomes a cheater, it is very rare that they go on to be faithful. You will drive yourself crazy trying to trust someone like him. I could never stay with someone who betrayed my trust in that way. I wish you the best but if it were me I would take a leap of faith and find someone to build a foundation with based on faithfulness. Good Luck!!
jwi71 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 It's really hard when the person who hurt and betrayed you doesn't show real remorse or repentance for the harm they have caused. Wow, for him to totally blame you is just calculating and diabolical. I would leave him because if he truly cared and loved you he would have never cheated. Once a person becomes a cheater, it is very rare that they go on to be faithful. You will drive yourself crazy trying to trust someone like him. I could never stay with someone who betrayed my trust in that way. I wish you the best but if it were me I would take a leap of faith and find someone to build a foundation with based on faithfulness. Good Luck!! Whoa whoa whoa. I disagree with just about EVERYTHING in this post. I would wager that most BS (Betrayed Spouses) hear this..."its your fault". Mine did. Others as well. Its normal for the WS (Wayward SPouse) to do this. Doesn't make it right but don't attach TOO much significance to it either. Its one of many ways a WS tries to hide. Its also NORMAL for the BS to carry 99% of the M through the initial stages of recovery. At this point in time, the WS is more focusd on losing the lover than recovering the M. Its hard, its painful and perfectly normal. IT takes TIME for a WS to "come around" and begin to see and think through things clearly. And its rough on the BS. Cheaters almost NEVER cheat for reasons outside of THEMSELVES. It almost always has nothing to do with YOU or your M. Its all about THEM. Take what little comfort you can in that - ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Cheating doesn't haven't reasons only excuses. You give precious little in regards to your situation. The more you share the better we can help. M's DO recover. It happens ALL THE TIME.
Heroic Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Might I suggest a restraining order and contacting the OW spouse and family while thouroughly monitoring your spouse to see if they are instigating things.
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Why hasn't he blocked her emails? No contact also means blocking her email and changing his cell number so she can't contact him that way either. him telling her that he loved her, that he was leaving me, and that he'd picked out an engagement ring for her. When I confronted him, he said there were no text messages on the phone and then when I showed him he started coming up with explanations. Saying he did it because he felt like I didn't care anymore. So to her, this was real. Your husband lead her on, made her believe that he was going to leave you, and marry her, even picking out a ring. No wonder she's flipping out! I'm not excusing her from any of this as she knew he was married and chose to believe him - But he certainly manipulated her, fooled her. Yet, in the same breath he denies ever doing that UNTIL you showed him proof. Did he give you a real honest explanation of WHY he would do such a thing? None of this bullcrap that he did it for attention because he thought you were neglecting him, that's a lame-o excuse and justification. Is he truly remorseful? Do you know 100% for sure he isn't still having the A with her, or an EA? Is he willing to do everything possible to gain your trust again? Be an open book, give you access to all his email accounts and cell so you can check up on him anytime?
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