HurtingandLost Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 My W and I have been married for 11 years. Late last year we started having issues with a guy from her work. It was friendly at first but being i live in a small town you know how rumors start to fly. After work she would like to go to the bar with friends from work to get a beer, she works second shift i do first. I had no real issue with this at first. After time it would be more her going there until late on firday or saturdays after work as well. Then i started to get mad. I would be home all day with our four kids and do dinner homework laundry etc.. and would want her to come home to spend time together. She would say that i was starting to be mean and rude, which is true i did start to get that way, and that she did not want to come home to hang out. After this went on for a few months we fought enough to sleep in seperate rooms, then after a few weeks of that she moved into her girlfriends house, for 2 1/2 months, now finally got her own place. While all of this was going on we would be fine one day and fight the next. We both said some really mean things. Now while we started to be seperated it was upfront that i still did and do very much love her and want only to give her the time needed to find herself and me myself and work on the issues. But now her new apt is down the street above a bar. The man in question from the beginning is over there, taking her for motorcycle rides, gone on dates, and yes she has addmitted to kissing him. That killed me, coupled with the fact that she says that she still loves me. I only want her back, but im afraid that if i leave her alone she will forget me, find what she wants with him, its tearing me up, i cant sleep, i dont eat, i tell her how i feel and she says that pushes her away, but then i dont talk to her, and she calls me under the guise of talking about the kids, but then tells me waht she was doing the night before etc.. I have my childeren 6 nights one week and four the next, she comes in the mornings as i leave for work to get them ready to go to school. I appreciate the help, but she is mad now becasue i only give her 250 a month. I have them most of the time. While she does have them in the morning its only for an hour or so, and the youngest only goes half days and she takes her to daycare a good portion of the time. Now mind you i have my faults, i have been moody with her over this, said somethings that i didnt mean, and told her as much, but i am a 32 year old married father of four who deeply loves his wife but failed to show it. I want my wife back, i want my life back, i dont know what to do. I want her to take her time, but im afraid and its making me sick. My family dont want to see her, her family is upset with her, i just want a second chance to show her, to let her know how i feel, but im afraid to push her further away. we have been together for 15 years, married for almost 11, and going from talking to her a lot everyday, to not at all is killing me. Add on, while this was going on, a family friend, a woman friend of hers, while she lived at her girlfrinds house would stop by once or so a week, to let her buy play with my kids, and see how i was doing. There was no romantic interest, hell all four of my kids have known her for 5 years and were always here as well. She would get very upset by her visits, which i understand. I asked the girl to stop coming over, as i should have. The only thing i ask is why she would not see that her being here is doing to her what he being at her house does to me, and do the same. She says she can do what she wants becasue she does not know what she wants from us. I dont know what to do, i want to fight for her, i hate being alone, my hearthurts, my mind is raceing with bad situations, i cry, actually bawl at times when the kids are in bed. Music reminds me of her, pictures in the house. Mind you we have been seperated for this long, but her bounceing from house to house and not slowing down with a social life has not giving her time to assess the situation, which is unfair becasue all the while she was gone, i have done nothing but think, and stew and hurt. What should i do????
TrustInYourself Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Get out there. Stop living life for her. Live life for yourself and for your kids. Be a better person and she'll come around. If you continue to let her actions control your feelings, she will never realize what she is missing out on. Also, stop paying her. She wants that lifestyle, she will have to pay for it. Just be business like. If she tries to get a rise out of you or get you to argue with her, don't take the bait. She wants you to validate her indiscretions. She wants to blame you for everything. Don't give her the ammunition. Here's what will do the trick too, and it's going to seem wrong, but it's not. Go out on friendly dates with others when you don't have the kids. Explore who you are with others. Find yourself. Stay positive and try and look on the bright side of things. I know it's rough. I've been there. The only way to get through it, is to face it, take it on, and overcome it. It's going to get harder, before it gets easier.
wifesgone Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 YOu should first off quit giving her any money at all. Tell her to get the rest of her crap out of the house at your convenience. Change the locks on the house. If she wants to be on her own make it a reality. Do not help her in any form (financially, mentally, when its her time to have the kids, NEVER) Close all credit cards Close all Bank accounts and get new ones in your name only Protect yourself DOn't call her, Don't text her don't email her don't talk to her friends Only contact is dealing with the kids period. Focus on you, work on yourself, make yourself a better person, wheather she comes back or not you will be a better person for your next lover. I know for a fact if you sit there worrying it will kill you. I didn' tlisten I was begging and pleading with my wife, but believe me it only pushes her further away. SHe is hurting, she may not act like it but she is, unless she is a heartless bitch. It is hard and it will get worse before it gets better. My wife did the same thing. Left for 3 months and I had pretty much gone on with my life and all of a sudden she came around out of the blue. You may not believe me but this is what it is going to take and many more here are going to tell you the same thing. Good luck and keep us updated.
mark982 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 also document everything!! times you haves kids(dates and times),how often she has the kids(dates and times)get lawyer to have you getting custody,she abanded the family not you.be smart and cover your azz.
Billy Bob Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I dont know what to do, i want to fight for her, i hate being alone, my hearthurts, my mind is raceing with bad situations, i cry, actually bawl at times when the kids are in bed. Music reminds me of her, pictures in the house. Mind you we have been seperated for this long, but her bounceing from house to house and not slowing down with a social life has not giving her time to assess the situation, which is unfair becasue all the while she was gone, i have done nothing but think, and stew and hurt. What should i do???? OK, you are exactly where I have been and countless other guys (and gals) have been. We have seen it over and over.. Why do you want to fight for someone that doesn't want you, is banging another guy and has moved out? It's not that you're "in-love" with her, it's that you are obsessed with her and that she is just about all you have ever known. She is not "in-love" with you, you are like an obsessed nut who "loves" a movie star.. like John Hinckley who plugged Ron Reagan. Ask yourself.. Do you really think after all of this that you would ever have the trust and both have the feelings to rebuild a good marriage... not going to happen in 999 out of 1000 cases.. you are just prolonging your pain. What will happen.. when you stop your obsession and partake in reality.. is that you will start meeting new gals that are "into" you, "want" you.. As soon as you start enjoying your life and start moving on... that's when the ex will come crawling back.. testing the waters.. etc.. TRUST ME - YOU DON"T WANT HER BACK! Another thing, you have the kids almost full time.. she's out running around, living the single life... she probably has in her head that it's only temporary and if she meets someone the kids will come live with her and her BF (or next husband) and all live happily ever after! WON'T HAPPEN. MOST single guys who end up getting the dose of multiple kid reality will take off.. especially the kind that have flings with married/seperated gals. The grass will go brown and she will come crawling back for all the wrong reasons.. I'll tell you the trick at this point to help you move on with your life in the right way... file for legal seperation or divorce and try and take the kids as much as possible in the custody agreement. Take control away from her..she'll have maybe 90 days to figure out what she wants.. I guarantee she will flip-flop back and forth and cry one minute and hate you the next.. Want you to call off the divorce, tell you she still loves you, still see the OM.. All BS! Get legally seperated/divorced, be as unattached to her as you can be.. then if she wants to come back to you, make sure it's on your terms. Be GF and BF... You probably won't want her after it's all said and done. OK, kind of rambling... I've been here, done that! 6 month-1 year after my divorce, after my ex-wife's fantasy life started falling apart.. she practically begged me to take her back.. Now 3 years later I am happily remarried, with full custody of my kids, a wonderful new wife, and a new baby on the way.
Billy Bob Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 YOu should first off quit giving her any money at all. Tell her to get the rest of her crap out of the house at your convenience. Change the locks on the house. If she wants to be on her own make it a reality. Do not help her in any form (financially, mentally, when its her time to have the kids, NEVER) Close all credit cards Close all Bank accounts and get new ones in your name only Protect yourself DOn't call her, Don't text her don't email her don't talk to her friends Only contact is dealing with the kids period. Focus on you, work on yourself, make yourself a better person, wheather she comes back or not you will be a better person for your next lover. I know for a fact if you sit there worrying it will kill you. I didn' tlisten I was begging and pleading with my wife, but believe me it only pushes her further away. SHe is hurting, she may not act like it but she is, unless she is a heartless bitch. It is hard and it will get worse before it gets better. My wife did the same thing. Left for 3 months and I had pretty much gone on with my life and all of a sudden she came around out of the blue. You may not believe me but this is what it is going to take and many more here are going to tell you the same thing. Good luck and keep us updated. Wifesgone is correct with his list of actions.. but, you should suck it up and play nice until you actually serve her with divorce paperwork or legal seperation papers.. right now you have no right cancelling her credit cards and all your money is her money until you have a divorce/legal sep papers served. She can run out and buy a new car if she wants and you are on the hook for 50%! And to Wifesgone.. gotta be cautious, you scared her back into reality, but she still left you in the first place.. Is she back for truly the right reasons? or just waiting for a better opportunity? A lot of us have gone through a few iterations of maritial problems before it ended...
Billy Bob Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Here's what will do the trick too, and it's going to seem wrong, but it's not. Go out on friendly dates with others when you don't have the kids. Explore who you are with others. Find yourself. Yeah, as soon as your estranged wife thinks your moving on, she will start trying to manipulate you.. Start sleeping with some other gal and she will go as nuts as you are right now. You might not think so.. but she will. She is enjoying the single life and having fun.. knowing that you are (spineless) still her safety net and will take her back (doormat) in an instant.. all she has to do is say "I still love you" and you will fall apart. You are being used and manipulated by your estranged wife.. She wants you as a backup plan.. in case things don't work out. Get a GF, her life will crumble. I, and many others.. I guess were in disbelief that our life partners could even concievable do something as heartless to the spouse they loved... Thing is they don't "love" you like that anymore and probably blame you for their "unfulfilled" life.
Gunny376 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Women regardless don't want the guys that are needy, clingy, suffocating ~ that supplicant themselves to them. They want strong, independent, self supporting, individuals. When you can wrap the statement, "I don't want you because I love you, I love you because I want you ~ and come to full terms with that paradox, you will understand. The best thing that you could do would be to pack up the rest of her trash, and set it to the curb and tell her to come and get it. Then make arrangements to be the one and only single parent ~ make that responsible single parent. Close any and all joint accounts, don't give her a freaking dime. Why should you, she's the one that chosen the lifestyle she's chosen. Why should you finance it? Why are you giving her money anyway, it seems to me your the primary caregiver, that money should be going to the four children ~ not her. In fact, she should be paying you support for the children. She's the one with another man on the side, who's helping you out? Mr. Easy Rider wants to play? Then he needs to pony up and pay! Man-up! Close all the joint accounts, quit giving her money, pack up all her trash and put it to the curb, change the locks on the doors, she doesn't get to come over to the house to "visit the children" without 24 hour advance notice, get a lawyer, a separation agreement drawn up which stipulates that 25 % of her after tax income is paid in child support, stated visitation days and hours, etc. Not to be disrespecting ~ but to get you to wake the Hell up ~ she's walking all over you ~ disrespcting your marriage ~ you ~ your children! I've seen more "balls" on "Nanny 911" and "WifeSwap" than I'm seeing here? And its not you per say, but the situation your caught up in? Your in between a rock and a hard place with being the responsible adult and parent! And I realize you love her and are in love with her ~ and that you'd just about sell your soul to save the marriage ~ but its not worth it Bro! Its just not worth it! Someone's got to man-up and put the 'big boy britches" on for those four children that's caught up in all of this. And that my man would be YOU! FORGET HER!
Gunny376 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 YOu should first off quit giving her any money at all. Tell her to get the rest of her crap out of the house at your convenience. Change the locks on the house. If she wants to be on her own make it a reality. Do not help her in any form (financially, mentally, when its her time to have the kids, NEVER) Close all credit cards Close all Bank accounts and get new ones in your name only Protect yourself DOn't call her, Don't text her don't email her don't talk to her friends Only contact is dealing with the kids period. Focus on you, work on yourself, make yourself a better person, wheather she comes back or not you will be a better person for your next lover. I know for a fact if you sit there worrying it will kill you. I didn' tlisten I was begging and pleading with my wife, but believe me it only pushes her further away. SHe is hurting, she may not act like it but she is, unless she is a heartless bitch. It is hard and it will get worse before it gets better. My wife did the same thing. Left for 3 months and I had pretty much gone on with my life and all of a sudden she came around out of the blue. You may not believe me but this is what it is going to take and many more here are going to tell you the same thing. Good luck and keep us updated. Don't hold back Brother! Tell it all! Tell it all! Don't hold back! Stand up and testify I say! Stand up and testify!
seibert253 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Women regardless don't want the guys that are needy, clingy, suffocating ~ that supplicant themselves to them. They want strong, independent, self supporting, individuals. When you can wrap the statement, "I don't want you because I love you, I love you because I want you ~ and come to full terms with that paradox, you will understand. The best thing that you could do would be to pack up the rest of her trash, and set it to the curb and tell her to come and get it. Then make arrangements to be the one and only single parent ~ make that responsible single parent. Close any and all joint accounts, don't give her a freaking dime. Why should you, she's the one that chosen the lifestyle she's chosen. Why should you finance it? Why are you giving her money anyway, it seems to me your the primary caregiver, that money should be going to the four children ~ not her. In fact, she should be paying you support for the children. She's the one with another man on the side, who's helping you out? Mr. Easy Rider wants to play? Then he needs to pony up and pay! Man-up! Close all the joint accounts, quit giving her money, pack up all her trash and put it to the curb, change the locks on the doors, she doesn't get to come over to the house to "visit the children" without 24 hour advance notice, get a lawyer, a separation agreement drawn up which stipulates that 25 % of her after tax income is paid in child support, stated visitation days and hours, etc. Not to be disrespecting ~ but to get you to wake the Hell up ~ she's walking all over you ~ disrespcting your marriage ~ you ~ your children! I've seen more "balls" on "Nanny 911" and "WifeSwap" than I'm seeing here? And its not you per say, but the situation your caught up in? Your in between a rock and a hard place with being the responsible adult and parent! And I realize you love her and are in love with her ~ and that you'd just about sell your soul to save the marriage ~ but its not worth it Bro! Its just not worth it! Someone's got to man-up and put the 'big boy britches" on for those four children that's caught up in all of this. And that my man would be YOU! FORGET HER! Gunny's right on once again. Also, have her served with Divorce papers asap.
2sure Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Your wife , to me, sounds like an awful mother and person to be honest. But I know that I only have a brief glimpse into your life and her circumstance so.... You want to get her back. You want your marriage to improve. You want to give it one last shot. For that - you both have to be trying. You're in, so lets get to her. Right now, she is living a life basically free of responsibility, her only focus is HER. Thats hard to compete with, because its pure fantasy. As such - she will eventually realize that she has given up WAY more than she is getting. But you need her to realize this NOW. Stop "understanding" her. She isn't being normal. Stop "supporting " her in this family destroying effort. BTW - it concerns me that you do not mention once what this must be doing to your kids. Facts: If you have been ordered by the courts to pay her child support - they have her listed as the primary custodial parent. If so - get that CHANGED. NOW. Because she isn't. YOU are. If you have not yet been taken by her to court ....BE PROACTIVE , protect your children, and take her to court for CUSTODY. This is IMPORTANT. The things I just listed are important for you to do whether you end up together, working toward a better life OR end up in divorce court. Your wife needs a dose of reality.
wifesgone Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Wifesgone is correct with his list of actions.. but, you should suck it up and play nice until you actually serve her with divorce paperwork or legal seperation papers.. right now you have no right cancelling her credit cards and all your money is her money until you have a divorce/legal sep papers served. She can run out and buy a new car if she wants and you are on the hook for 50%! And to Wifesgone.. gotta be cautious, you scared her back into reality, but she still left you in the first place.. Is she back for truly the right reasons? or just waiting for a better opportunity? A lot of us have gone through a few iterations of maritial problems before it ended... I honestly don't know why she came back, she said she realized what she did and wants to try to make it work. I am not leaving myself open. I am protecting myself and my kids. I told her, next time she leaves, the next thing she hears from me will be a knock on her door from the deliverer of the divorce papers. It all depends on what state you are in as to the laws of assets. Here in the wonderful hick state of MS. I can clean out all accounts put it all in my name and buy whatever the hell I want to buy with it. WOrst case I would have to give her 50% of the **** I bought. I bought a bunch of crap she would never want so I was fine. I also hid alot of money in a Trust fund for my daughter that is locked up for 17 years now. I hindsight I may have done things a little differently. I also signed over my 49% of my ownership in 2 of my companys to my father, wink wink. Some of the more liberal states may be a little different I don't know. I live in MS where we just got running water like 10 years ago, JK.
seibert253 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I honestly don't know why she came back, she said she realized what she did and wants to try to make it work. I am not leaving myself open. I am protecting myself and my kids. I told her, next time she leaves, the next thing she hears from me will be a knock on her door from the deliverer of the divorce papers. It all depends on what state you are in as to the laws of assets. Here in the wonderful hick state of MS. I can clean out all accounts put it all in my name and buy whatever the hell I want to buy with it. WOrst case I would have to give her 50% of the **** I bought. I bought a bunch of crap she would never want so I was fine. I also hid alot of money in a Trust fund for my daughter that is locked up for 17 years now. I hindsight I may have done things a little differently. I also signed over my 49% of my ownership in 2 of my companys to my father, wink wink. Some of the more liberal states may be a little different I don't know. I live in MS where we just got running water like 10 years ago, JK. Smart man.
Author HurtingandLost Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 I do appreciate all of the information and support here. This site has been very helpful as have many of the posts. Stepping outside of myself and looking at the situation from your eyes has made me seem many things that i didnt want to face. I did forget to mention that we also do respite care for a mentaly challanged man that lives with us (me now), a portion of whati give her money for is the medical services that he needs, she provides them on a weekly basis when i am not home. I have taken the steps to seperated myself from her. I understand that she may have gotten bored and caught up in the hum-drum life that we created, and i get that, i myself have been burned out and tired of the same old thing. But it nagers me that instead of being an adult about it, she just bolts to explore the early 20s of life that we gave up so to speak in order to start a family. My childeren have taken to this situation fairly well, the little one did have a hard time at first, a few crying nights without mom, but we were able to get through them, and now my youngest boy just told me that he likes living here and going to visit mommy sometimes, made me feel good. Sad for her a little becasue of what she is giving up in order to pursue what she thinks she missed out on i assume. I have started not answer the phone as she calls 6 to 8 times a day to talk under the guise of the kids, but then tries to throw a jab in about waht she is doing or going to do etc.. I told her the last time i talked to her, shortly after posting this that i did not want to talk to her about anything but the kids, she got pissed and hung up. Oh well at the moment. I was very cordial and nice and do my best to keep a level head, i was very off for a bit. I have a counsleing session for myself next week which i am looking forward to. While i do not talk to her family about much of any of this, her family is the only one that lives near us as mine is in CA. I like the fact that her mother comes over to watch kids or brings supper over from time to time, and the fact that they are all mad at her also makes me smile and know that while i was not perfect, i am not to blame for everything in this. As i type she is texting me why i wont talk to her and if im mad at her. Of course im mad at her, and will be for a while, but will not tell her that, plain and simple tell her that this is not the time or place to discuss anything and to please respect my wishes to let me have my time with my kids. While i myself am a long way from better, and who knows what the future holds, i ate dinner today and sleept good last night, both have been a while for that to occur. Again, thanks to all and i will keep reading and posting as things progress.
sugarmomma Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 You are well on your way. My husband left me and I filed for divorce. I can't wait to have my freedom completely. No fun being in love by yourself but believe me you will be feeling better as the months go by and she may or may not regret her decision. Either way as long as you stay positive and kill her with kindness she won't know what to do. I didn't file for divorce until I had dealt with the emotional pain. It is better to not make major decisions while you are in a lot of emotional pain. Because a divorce is a legal, physical and emotional process. I wish you the best.
Gunny376 Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I do appreciate all of the information and support here. This site has been very helpful as have many of the posts. Stepping outside of myself and looking at the situation from your eyes has made me seem many things that i didnt want to face. I did forget to mention that we also do respite care for a mentaly challanged man that lives with us (me now), a portion of whati give her money for is the medical services that he needs, she provides them on a weekly basis when i am not home. I have taken the steps to seperated myself from her. I understand that she may have gotten bored and caught up in the hum-drum life that we created, and i get that, i myself have been burned out and tired of the same old thing. But it nagers me that instead of being an adult about it, she just bolts to explore the early 20s of life that we gave up so to speak in order to start a family. My childeren have taken to this situation fairly well, the little one did have a hard time at first, a few crying nights without mom, but we were able to get through them, and now my youngest boy just told me that he likes living here and going to visit mommy sometimes, made me feel good. Sad for her a little becasue of what she is giving up in order to pursue what she thinks she missed out on i assume. I have started not answer the phone as she calls 6 to 8 times a day to talk under the guise of the kids, but then tries to throw a jab in about waht she is doing or going to do etc.. I told her the last time i talked to her, shortly after posting this that i did not want to talk to her about anything but the kids, she got pissed and hung up. Oh well at the moment. I was very cordial and nice and do my best to keep a level head, i was very off for a bit. I have a counsleing session for myself next week which i am looking forward to. While i do not talk to her family about much of any of this, her family is the only one that lives near us as mine is in CA. I like the fact that her mother comes over to watch kids or brings supper over from time to time, and the fact that they are all mad at her also makes me smile and know that while i was not perfect, i am not to blame for everything in this. As i type she is texting me why i wont talk to her and if im mad at her. Of course im mad at her, and will be for a while, but will not tell her that, plain and simple tell her that this is not the time or place to discuss anything and to please respect my wishes to let me have my time with my kids. While i myself am a long way from better, and who knows what the future holds, i ate dinner today and sleept good last night, both have been a while for that to occur. Again, thanks to all and i will keep reading and posting as things progress. I like it when a man "Mans-Up!" Shows courage! Strength! Determination! Does the RIGHT thing! Is willing to take one for the team! HONOR! INTEGRITY! HAS A CODE! A PURPOSE! And who just does the right thing ~ because its the right thing to do! Regardless of what scarifice it may mean to him or her! OOOOooooRAaaaaHaaaahhhh!
Author HurtingandLost Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 How is it, that by me trying to only speak about kids, being very nice and cordial, letting her try and have her space, that i am now the complete a#$hole? Its only been two days of not trying to talk to her, not wanting to change my schedule for hers to accomindate her, but now i am being an ass, even when i am being nice. I have no sarcasim, no little smile, nothing, i just am trying to give her what is best for both of us, but she is now getting upset becasue i wont bend to her will. Im am still hurt, but now i am really starting to get angry, i am not a violent man, and useally hard to anger, or really really anger, and only once during all of this have i lost my temper. Not to her, but after she told me about her kissing the other man, i went to his hose and knocked on his door. Chicken would not open it, but only yelled thru the door, lucky for me though, becasue i could have ended up in jail, and then that would have been something big she could have held over my head. Like another poster on here, i was and am for life a marine, but all of that just made me tough on the outside, in the inside im wokring on it. Forget it for the moment i guess, it just frustrating that being me and trying to refind me in just two days so far has pushed her further away from what she is doing. I care but am trying to not care. The fact remains that the picture perfect family does exist, and we had it at one time, but through her own actions she has taken steps to errase that. While i still hope for the best, if and when a good resolution comes, if will be tainted for quite a long while. I know that while i want to help things, if she does not then there is no hope. i can hold onto that as well. So be it. Tyeping this out eases my stress level. Sweet.
seibert253 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 The longer this goes, the less you will care about her and what she does. Time does heal all wounds. This is YOU time. Time for you and your kids. Pizz on her and what she thinks and feels. If she feels like sh$t, and wants to blame you and everyone else, which is what she's doing, then good. Guilt is a bitter pill to swallow and she's getting a mouthful right now. She made her bed, she can sleep in it.
fooled once Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 She is mad because you won't bend over and take it in the arse. She wants you to do what she says, when she says it. Unfortunately, you can't go backwards. You can only go forwards. Your marriage is changed. Forever. She sounds like an incredible horrible mother. WHAT MOTHER leaves her 4 children? She is not someone for your children to admire or look up to. She is not being a good role model for them. You don't run from problems. Which is exactly what she has done. She doesn't sound like a woman/mother who cares for anyone but herself. I would get a lawyer. I would not pay her another DIME. She abandoned her family -- her kids and you. Charge her with that in separation papers. EVEN if she can back, can you truly forgive and forget? Can you really trust her again? Do you really want "her" back or are you just holding onto the memory of her and what you had? I am sorry you are hurting but right now, your job is to protect your children from her and to start healing YOU. Your children need stability and safety; neither of which she can provide. Don't give her access to the bank accounts. Don't give her any money. Get it all documented with a lawyer before she charges you with kicking her out. Good luck!
Author HurtingandLost Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 Ok anger issues, how do i deal with them? I have done well, avoiding my seperated wife, not calling, texting emailg etc.... Switched kids this morning and all was well. I went to the video store a block from my house, to my dismay it is right next to her house, i was not snooping or spying, but being home alone tonight and not wanting to go out i only wanted a movie to watch. So as i am coming upon the video store, low and behold there is my wife, my kids and the man from my previos posts all BBQing in front of her house, having a grand old time. Now i turned and came back here to my house, only to want to destry something, namely him, just for the sake of hitting something. I know i am mad and hurt and all that and more so at her, and me for letting it get to me, but i want to smash his Fuc$%ng face in and make him choke on his teeth. Ive put enough holes in a wall to know that i dont want to fix them again, but i need to calm down, typeing helps, but there has to be something better. I dont wanna drink, i dont wanna go to a bar, i just wanna chill and relax, how in the hell do i do it!!!!!!!
Billy Bob Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I didn't file for divorce until I had dealt with the emotional pain. It is better to not make major decisions while you are in a lot of emotional pain. Because a divorce is a legal, physical and emotional process. I wish you the best. Forget that! Divorce her while she is "high" on her new life and feels she doesn't need you anymore.. Hit her with a bunker-buster.. let her pick up the pieces. If you wait around, she will have time to completely detach and then get nasty. You need complete seperation ASAP, especially legally. I figure if you ever want to reconcile in the future, you can always get remarried and let the flame grow again.. (LOL).
Owl Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Have you filed for legal seperation or divorce yet? Have you stopped paying for any of her bills, credit cards, etc...? Have you completely seperated her financially from you? Changed the locks? Bagged up all her stuff, and told her to either come get it or find it at Goodwill? These are all great actions to take while you're angry with her about all of this. And this all leads to her being forced to deal with reality, instead of her fantasy affair. Additionally...the advice to journal all of this makes great sense too. Call your lawyer. Draft up a legal seperation where you have primary custody and no financial support for her whatsoever...and get this started. Let reality be the thing that gets through to her.
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