clintsgirl Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 We have been togehter for almost 4 yrs, i'm 29, 1 child, he's 31, 2 children, none together. We have had are share of problems, but always got threw them. Of course the first year our sex life was wonderful, almost every day. I know the honey moom period... the next year and a half it dwindled down 1-2 times a week maybe, i was cool with that. Mind you i am more then well aware he is a porn watcher, i was always cool with it we would watch it together. Last april he got laid off, about 3 months later i did as well. By then it was maybe twice a month if i was lucky. And it wasn't "sex" just forplay. Now almost a year later, it has dwindled down to crap, once every 2 months a little foreplay at 4am in the morning. His porn hobbie is still going strong, no longer us watching together of course. His days consists of waking up at noon, watching espn, reading blogs, playing xbox, porn etc. I still get up at 7am, kids, errands, cleaning, cooking etc. We have talked about it, yelled, screamed cried, anything you can think of. His excuses are always the same "he's to tired, he's drunk, he needs to shower/shave". Then he will promise the next night and it doesnt happen. He still tells me he loves me, i'm attractive, i'm beatiful, etc. I know for a fact he isnt cheating on me HE NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE! He says its his problem and he's working on it, and he knows its hurting me. For the past 3 months, I've gotten extremely angry and emotional about it. I wake up in the morning so pissed and upset i cant contain myself. We argue and yell when he finally wakes up. He tells me i'm selfish, i need to give it time, and the new one that i'm a sex fien. I have heard the depression thing from people, i can see that a little 30%, but not to this extreme. I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have no desire or thoughts of cheating etc, but on the other hand, i'm more then craving intimacy, attention, etc. I really dont know what to do anymore. I can't take, "taking care of it myself" much longer.....
GroupFitness Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 This is perhaps off topic, but what do you do for money if neither one of you has a job and he plays videogames all day?
Mr. Lucky Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 His days consists of waking up at noon, watching espn, reading blogs, playing xbox, porn etc. I still get up at 7am, kids, errands, cleaning, cooking etc. If you deleted the word "porn" from this sentence, would you be satisfied with what he is doing? You have problems that are bigger than porn or your sexlife. You're married to a man that has checked out of any role as a husband or father... Mr. Lucky
mark982 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 clintsgirl,being a man, i think i can offer some insite,plain and simple he's taking care of things himself.there's no dought in my mind.for alot of men ,it's easier,simplier,and no having to romance you.YOU'RE goingto have to put the foot down on the porn issue,he can say all he wants that isn't the problem--but it is.
Author clintsgirl Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 This is perhaps off topic, but what do you do for money if neither one of you has a job and he plays videogames all day? We are both on unemployment and have some savings. Where we live is has the highest unemployment rate right now. So trying to find a job is a nightmare.
65tr6 Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 His days consists of waking up at noon, watching espn, reading blogs, playing xbox, porn etc. I still get up at 7am, kids, errands, cleaning, cooking etc. . op, read this again. And you still want to live together ? I never knew men could afford to live a life like this....Talk about totally laid back life. Living off unemployment and savings ?....hmmmm...someone needs a smack...not literally. You know what I mean. And you still want to live with him because ? Back on your original topic, yep, your problem is more than mere sex.
JackJack Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Someone doesn't have to "leave the house" to cheat, btw! But enough on that. Sounds like some depression going on possibly and him saying he is "to drunk" sometimes, sure doesn't help matters. Does he need help with that issue? Perhaps sit down with him and have a good talk. Not screaming but a good civil conversation. No TV or computer on, no drinking, or whatever else he is doing. You both need each others undivided attention. You could suggest couples counseling for you both. Do you think he would be up for that?
carhill Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 OP, are you two legally married? What kind of non-sexual love and affection is shown or shared in your household? Sex starts outside the bedroom, generally with intimacy, IME.
imagine Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 A fit man is a horny man. Trade his Playstation for a bicycle.
lisa671 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I know the feeling. Don't know what to tell you except for the fact that you've been strong. Have you considered going to some counseling or have a civil discussion out in public during dinner where you both won't start yelling or arguing about the situation? If you haven't tried it, you should try one or the other. For me, i'm trying to deal with the same situation as yours but we are in the early stages at the once every 2 weeks point. I love my husband but i am considering keeping myself open to prospects if any present themselves.
engravefeelthevoid Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 im not married but this is common...i'm afraid of this actully...maybe it's just inevitable and so one must try to deal with it...is it that terrible ???
Author clintsgirl Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 im not married but this is common...i'm afraid of this actully...maybe it's just inevitable and so one must try to deal with it...is it that terrible ??? No, i dont think its that "terrible" to deal with it. But in the same note ive been dealing with it for almost a year, you can only deal so much.
Author clintsgirl Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 I know the feeling. Don't know what to tell you except for the fact that you've been strong. Have you considered going to some counseling or have a civil discussion out in public during dinner where you both won't start yelling or arguing about the situation? If you haven't tried it, you should try one or the other. For me, i'm trying to deal with the same situation as yours but we are in the early stages at the once every 2 weeks point. I love my husband but i am considering keeping myself open to prospects if any present themselves. Lisa, thank you very much for replying. It hurts and saddens me that another woment is going through the same thing has me. All you hear is men going through it. We actually had a civil conversation about it today, it was pretty much civil, cause i'm tired of yelling, crying, etc. He is more then well aware its a problem and he is the one that has to do something about it, and if things dont change i dont know what i'm going to do. I couldnt imagine being with someone else, but i honestly cant tell you what i would do if another man gave me the attention i'm more then craving... If you dont mind me asking how long have you and your husband been together? Does he watch porn? Also were you cool w/ how your sex life was befor the slump? I'm not trying to be nosey it would just be really nice to talk to someone that is dealing with the same issue. thanks again for your input
Els Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 ... And you think your sex life is the biggest problem?? Why isn't he getting a new job or helping out with the household chores at least if he can't find one in the meantime?
Author clintsgirl Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 OP, are you two legally married? What kind of non-sexual love and affection is shown or shared in your household? Sex starts outside the bedroom, generally with intimacy, IME. thanks for your input carhill. And no we are not "legally" married, i wish we were, but that is a whole nother discussion. And yes there is affaction outside of the bedroom. He always calls me babe, beautiful, sweetie, etc. grabs my ass, kisses me. i have no problems there. I'm really beginning to believe its the porn, its taken over, and its just easier for him that way. And he knows he is being extremely selfish and neglecting my needs. I love him with all my heart, would love to spend the rest of my life with him. But he knows not like this, and i honestly cant deal with it much longer.
carhill Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Hmm, to me, as a man, that's quite a disconnect from kissing you and grabbing your ass outside the bedroom to a dearth of interest within. Usually, for me anyway, the desires which drive that behavior flow seamlessly into sex. Given the totality of circumstance, I think he's fighting some self esteem issues. Tell me, when does his natural rhythm make him the most sexually aroused? Does it match up well or poorly with your rhythm? Also, do either of you exercise? If possible, I'd suggest walks together. If he doesn't want to go, go alone. Exercise is a good diffuser of emotion and a good way to stimulate the body, allowing sexual desire to flow more readily. If you are extremely angry (that's hurt yelling) and feel overwhelmed by it, you might consider IC to help center your perspective. Validate the emotions and learn tools to manage the resultant behaviors differently. Then, work on the crux of the issues in MC. There are programs available for those who might not otherwise be able to afford counseling. Your circumstances may qualify. As a disclaimer, MC and a couple years of work did not repair our M. That said, the work, to me anyway, was valuable and healthy. I'm glad I did it. I wish the best for you. My wife had similar complaints as you and was able, in MC, to clearly hear the emotional distance I was feeling from her and why that distance killed my sexual desire after a number of years. Essentially, my love bank went bankrupt. One M, one datapoint
Author clintsgirl Posted April 26, 2009 Author Posted April 26, 2009 Hmm, to me, as a man, that's quite a disconnect from kissing you and grabbing your ass outside the bedroom to a dearth of interest within. Usually, for me anyway, the desires which drive that behavior flow seamlessly into sex. Given the totality of circumstance, I think he's fighting some self esteem issues. Tell me, when does his natural rhythm make him the most sexually aroused? Does it match up well or poorly with your rhythm? Also, do either of you exercise? If possible, I'd suggest walks together. If he doesn't want to go, go alone. Exercise is a good diffuser of emotion and a good way to stimulate the body, allowing sexual desire to flow more readily. If you are extremely angry (that's hurt yelling) and feel overwhelmed by it, you might consider IC to help center your perspective. Validate the emotions and learn tools to manage the resultant behaviors differently. Then, work on the crux of the issues in MC. There are programs available for those who might not otherwise be able to afford counseling. Your circumstances may qualify. As a disclaimer, MC and a couple years of work did not repair our M. That said, the work, to me anyway, was valuable and healthy. I'm glad I did it. I wish the best for you. My wife had similar complaints as you and was able, in MC, to clearly hear the emotional distance I was feeling from her and why that distance killed my sexual desire after a number of years. Essentially, my love bank went bankrupt. One M, one datapoint Thank you carhill, i really apprecaite your input. I exercise everyday pretty much. One major reason i do, is cause i thought if i got more in shape, that would make things better, i was wrong. We had a long civil talk about it yesterday, deep down in my heart i thought it would make things better, that last night he would come to bed, and i would wake up with a smile on my face. I obviously was wrong. I told him every morning i wake up hurt/sad/angry, he agreed it was his fault, and he is being selfish. I'm sick of the excuses (which he said arent excuses, they are reasons). I have never ever been a cheater, i'm truly inlove with this man. Its scaring me, cause my love and feelings are starting to slowly change. I know what to expect every night. He knows how much he is hurting me, and he doesnt care enough to change and make things better. I would love MC, and no we cannot afford it right now. I really think he is addicted to porn, and thats all he needs sexually, so i'm stuck with dealing with it, and taking care of this myself. I'm beyond sick of feeling this way, i'm at the point i dont want to even see him in the morning, sometimes not at all, cause it just makes me angry.
tami-chan Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 You said "you can't take it anymore"...are you leaving him then? if not, what are you planning to do? I think you should tell your husband that if another person presents himself to you and you find him attractive enough would he mind it terribly if you sleep with that person....it is afterall,(lol) "just sex". That way, you are not cheating. Tell him also that if the affair blossoms into something deeper and you want out of the marriage, tell him that you expect him to understand and not make a fuss and let you go.
pachucochulox13 Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 We have been togehter for almost 4 yrs, i'm 29, 1 child, he's 31, 2 children, none together. We have had are share of problems, but always got threw them. Of course the first year our sex life was wonderful, almost every day. I know the honey moom period... the next year and a half it dwindled down 1-2 times a week maybe, i was cool with that. Mind you i am more then well aware he is a porn watcher, i was always cool with it we would watch it together. Last april he got laid off, about 3 months later i did as well. By then it was maybe twice a month if i was lucky. And it wasn't "sex" just forplay. Now almost a year later, it has dwindled down to crap, once every 2 months a little foreplay at 4am in the morning. His porn hobbie is still going strong, no longer us watching together of course. His days consists of waking up at noon, watching espn, reading blogs, playing xbox, porn etc. I still get up at 7am, kids, errands, cleaning, cooking etc. We have talked about it, yelled, screamed cried, anything you can think of. His excuses are always the same "he's to tired, he's drunk, he needs to shower/shave". Then he will promise the next night and it doesnt happen. He still tells me he loves me, i'm attractive, i'm beatiful, etc. I know for a fact he isnt cheating on me HE NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE! He says its his problem and he's working on it, and he knows its hurting me. For the past 3 months, I've gotten extremely angry and emotional about it. I wake up in the morning so pissed and upset i cant contain myself. We argue and yell when he finally wakes up. He tells me i'm selfish, i need to give it time, and the new one that i'm a sex fien. I have heard the depression thing from people, i can see that a little 30%, but not to this extreme. I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have no desire or thoughts of cheating etc, but on the other hand, i'm more then craving intimacy, attention, etc. I really dont know what to do anymore. I can't take, "taking care of it myself" much longer..... hello i know we've never met but i honestly feel that i can relate to you im a 22 yr old man ive been with my wife for about three 1/2 years now we have one daughter everything in our sex life pretty much went down hill after she became pregnant now i find my self watching porn every now and then and just remiscing about the past she always has an excuse for any type of intimacy honestly i long for even just a kiss
Author clintsgirl Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 hello i know we've never met but i honestly feel that i can relate to you im a 22 yr old man ive been with my wife for about three 1/2 years now we have one daughter everything in our sex life pretty much went down hill after she became pregnant now i find my self watching porn every now and then and just remiscing about the past she always has an excuse for any type of intimacy honestly i long for even just a kiss I'm sorry, it sux doesnt it!?!?!? I totally feel for you. I've resulted to porn now as well. Never really cared about it, dont really now either. I'm beyond fed up. Apparently I'm a sex fien now (thats what he says), and if he would give it to me now, he claims i would bitch the day after. Just another excuse. I cant go on much longer.. If you ever need someone to talk to, i'm here for ya STAY STRONG, easy to say, but the hardest thing to do.
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