Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 I think, like you, that you are doing it to yourself. I feel like you are looking for some kind of validation from him - a validation that he cannot give you because of the situation. And this is what is leading you to over-react when something starts the fire. He cannot complete you Dreamer. He cannot cater to your every emotions. You're responsible for those. Recognize them and own up to them. Accept that you won't always feel 100% great, that how you feel changes, and often changes for the better if you just accept your emotions and let them go. But your boyfriend shouldn't be the one who has to ensure your emotional stability. He can add to your life, but you will have to be the one who finds peace within herself. And once you tap into that strenght, you'll be able to see clearer into your relationship. I do realize that right now I'm doing it to myself. That much I can accept, and that is better then where I was at yesterday. I don't expect him to fix my emotions, I guess I just want to be able to talk through them, and see what I can do to work on them. But I also want to feel like that if I need to talk, I can talk to him. He's not there to fix my inner issues, but he should be there as a person I can rely on talking to, so at least I can speak my mind, instead of bottling up how I feel. I just need to figure out how to talk about my emotions and feelings without letting anger and hurt push through. I don't want to be emotional all the time, I really don't, now I need to figure out how to deal with them without letting it overwhelm me.
Star Gazer Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 They never slept together, they dated while they were freshmen in highschool. This changes things DRAMATICALLY. That was high school, Dreamr!! I can't believe you're holding on to that... he's certainly not. I'm starting to wonder if maybe SG was right, and my insecurities are now getting the better of me. Although, there's no doubt in my mind that at some point roomie wanted to hook up with him. I think my insecurities stemmed from that, and while perhaps it's not how it is now, it was in the beginning. I really do think that a good portion of all this drama stems from your insecurities. I really, really do. Where do you think they come from?
Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 They never slept together, they dated while they were freshmen in highschool. This changes things DRAMATICALLY. That was high school, Dreamr!! I can't believe you're holding on to that... he's certainly not. Well in my defense, I just found that out last night. When he said she was an ex, I had a different perception of 'ex'. I really do think that a good portion of all this drama stems from your insecurities. I really, really do. Where do you think they come from? *sigh* I remember the reason I first came on here. My bf/ex then had left out of state. We were suppose to go together. He ended up taking what he could sell of mine, and stringing me along for a while... then nothing. That's the short version. I was so pissed at him, and even more at myself for allowing this too happen. But as bf said, he's not my exes, he's his own person and he has a gf that he greatly cares about and whats to come home to. I know my insecurities are what's fueling it now, but I swear it didn't start off like that. She wanted to hook up with him, and it wasn't coming from his mouth. It came from hers. It's hard to get that out of my mind.
Trialbyfire Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 You know, that is very true, and a pattern for myself. When I feel hurt or what not, that emotion comes on so strong. I'm the same way if I'm happy, I'm really happy, like ear to ear smiles all day long. I've also done this in the past where if I get hurt, I find reasons to think I'll get hurt again, so I can bail. If I fear something, I find more reason to fear it so I can just not deal with it. I wish I could tone down how strong my emotions get.dreamergrl, start trusting your gut instincts more. You were dead on, to be concerned about his lying and lying by omission. A viable relationship isn't a project, it's self-fueling by both sides of the equation. I would bail on this guy.
northstar1 Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 dreamergrl, start trusting your gut instincts more. You were dead on, to be concerned about his lying and lying by omission. A viable relationship isn't a project, it's self-fueling by both sides of the equation. I would bail on this guy. THank you TPF, just the rational advice I was hoping someone would echo.
Star Gazer Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Well in my defense, I just found that out last night. When he said she was an ex, I had a different perception of 'ex'. Communication would have prevented a lot of this, don't ya think? I know my insecurities are what's fueling it now, but I swear it didn't start off like that. She wanted to hook up with him, and it wasn't coming from his mouth. It came from hers. It's hard to get that out of my mind. Again, so what? If your BF is any fraction of desirable, he's going to have women who want to hook up with him - all...the...time.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Communication would have prevented a lot of this, don't ya think? Yes Again, so what? If your BF is any fraction of desirable, he's going to have women who want to hook up with him - all...the...time. I understand this, but when it's someone living with him, it sits differently with me. But I guess now her estranged bf is back in the picture and that's not an issue any longer.
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 This changes things DRAMATICALLY. That was high school, Dreamr!! I can't believe you're holding on to that... he's certainly not. I really do think that a good portion of all this drama stems from your insecurities. I really, really do. Where do you think they come from? I fundamentally disagree. The fact is that SHE wants something to happen. That is what matters most in this situation. The Ex wants to give him a whirl, and he is living with her. I think that insecurity is more likely going to make her put up with his bad behavior than anything. She can't feel desperate to hang onto him. His actions need to be judged individually and then viewed as a whole.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Well here's an interesting update... They moved to the parents house today. Bf found out that he'd be sharing a room with her and her daughter. Her brother offered bf a room at his place. Then while I was on the phone, I hear brother saying "I bet it eases her mind that you'll be living with me instead of her". So as of tonight, bf is no longer rooming with a girl.
likestolaugh Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Well here's an interesting update... They moved to the parents house today. Bf found out that he'd be sharing a room with her and her daughter. Her brother offered bf a room at his place. Then while I was on the phone, I hear brother saying "I bet it eases her mind that you'll be living with me instead of her". So as of tonight, bf is no longer rooming with a girl. so stop worrying.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 So do I try to work things out, or do I just say it's already been too much?
carhill Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 How about you live your life and let him try to work things out?
Kamille Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 How about you live your life and let him try to work things out? Agreed. At this point it is up to him, not up to you. You cannot control him or this situation. And he is already showing you that he wants to work things out. Let things go, focus on your own happiness and balance, and see what he comes up with in terms of solutions. In my book, this means you should focus on being yourself with him as he sorts his stuff out. If you're happy to hear from him, let him know this. If you have other plans, you have other plans. In my view, there isn't much else you can do at this point. Let him work things out. See where it takes you, and if it suits you. This will have the advantage of giving him a little space for action in the relationship. IMO, it sounds like you're trying to define and control the relationship on your terms a bit too much. I know others will disagree, but take the time to step back a little and let him take the lead in the R, to see what it comes up with.
Cherished Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Sorry but honestly I don't think your "boyfriend" is really that emotionally invested in you and committed to a relationship with you. If he really cared about you, he would be calling everyday, not going a week with barely any contact. I would let this guy and the Jerry Springer-esque situation with his whacked in the head roommate go for good.
Cherished Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Is your boyfriend that much of a loser that he can't afford his own place??? Well here's an interesting update... They moved to the parents house today. Bf found out that he'd be sharing a room with her and her daughter. Her brother offered bf a room at his place. Then while I was on the phone, I hear brother saying "I bet it eases her mind that you'll be living with me instead of her". So as of tonight, bf is no longer rooming with a girl.
carhill Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Separate issue but definitely worthy of inclusion. OP, thoughts? I don't remember your backstory with him but I think there's some extenuating circumstances. FWIW being solvent and housing positive hasn't exactly made me a babe magnet all these years. Women like what they like about a man, regardless of his fiscal situation. Well, most women However, in light of his "situation", IMO I would resolve further to leave the impetus of repairing/renewing the relationship to him. Perhaps he has his own issues with his situation and isn't "ready" to feel like a valuable partner. Guess I'll have to read the backstory. If you hear from new-old guy today, what will you do?
Author dreamergrl Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 Well, last night he stayed with the brother. We talked some. This morning I left early to run errands. Got back, and there were phone calls, and emails and messages. Guess someone started to find out how I felt before. Not trying to play a game, but it's just how it happened this morning. Ex roomie is very upset about him not living with her anymore. I'm just playing things day by day. Haven't heard from new-old guy.
carhill Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Ex roomie is very upset about him not living with her anymore. She called you? Always remember....actions never lie....
Author dreamergrl Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 She called you? Always remember....actions never lie.... Not a call, but an email. It was all, "I don't see what the big deal is about me and him staying in the same room, I don't see how he thinks its disrespecting you" I was also on the phone with him while he was getting his stuff together to leave, and I heard her loud and clear in the background, "Is your f'n btch gf happy now". Oh well, he's not living with her, she can't do crap about it, and it is possible that things could get better. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Star Gazer Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 Just a thought: Perhaps you should be dating someone who doesn't have to worry so much about his living situation (i.e., can live by himself)?
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