Kamille Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Dreamer, don't be confused - be relieved. Your boyfriend wants to work things out and reassure you. that's the best starting point you could hope for. Relax - remind yourself that everything will work out.
BobSacamento Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Good lord!...so when is the Jerry Springer show taping Dreamergrl?
northstar1 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Dreamer - I've followed your story for the past few months. I know you've had some good times with this guy, but you need to honestly ask yourself, is all this drama worth it? The first few months of dating should be fun, and relatively care-free. This seems anything but carefree. Your guy put himself into this situation and now you are having to deal with a ridiculous amount of drama. You seem like a smart, fun girl, who deserves to be dating someone with whom you have a good time, not constantly worrying about things happening. Not to be a pessimist, but I just don't see a good road ahead, at least in what I'm reading here. Are you prepared to deal with this drama for the next few months? I think you are worth a lot more than that, don't you?
Star Gazer Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 How exactly does this guy have access to send you an email, but not his own phone? I see the cycle continuing.
BlueEyedGirl Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 You know, you should have put your foot down before he moved and told him that you are not happy that he going to live with someone he had romantic past with. If you two are exclusive, it is a reasonable request. Then if he didn't take your feelings into consideration and still went to live with her, you should have broken it off. A guy that cares about you will want to make you happy (within reason).
carhill Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Educate an old fart... Why exactly is he not looking you in the eye whilst all this is going on?
Star Gazer Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 You know, you should have put your foot down before he moved and told him that you are not happy that he going to live with someone he had romantic past with. If you two are exclusive, it is a reasonable request. Then if he didn't take your feelings into consideration and still went to live with her, you should have broken it off. A guy that cares about you will want to make you happy (within reason). I agree 100%. Asking a BF NOT to move in with a woman he's slept with is perfectly reasonable. Then again, should you even have to ask??
Star Gazer Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Educate an old fart... Why exactly is he not looking you in the eye whilst all this is going on? Great question!
Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 They never slept together, they dated while they were freshmen in highschool. Anyways.. He called last night, he went out and got his own phone. We talked for probably about an hour and a half. I didn't tell him I miss him or love him or anything mushy. But we talked. Then out of no where he goes, "Dreamr, I know we wont break up, I know we'll get through this." Then something along the lines of we mean too much to each other to break up. He said he wants to be able to do everything to make this work, he doesn't want to lose me, ect ect. He said it's been hard, he's been missing me so much, he took me for granted. He reminded me that now that he got his phone we can talk whenever, and how happy he is that we can do that now. More I miss yous from him, more I can't wait to visit. He wants to come in a few weeks to visit. He sends me an email when he stops at the library. I guess I'm confused because while the conversation left me feeling better, I'm starting to wonder if maybe SG was right, and my insecurities are now getting the better of me. Although, there's no doubt in my mind that at some point roomie wanted to hook up with him. I think my insecurities stemmed from that, and while perhaps it's not how it is now, it was in the beginning. I'm still feeling upset that he put himself in the situation, and let somethings happen that shouldn't have. He claims that now that he has his own phone, and he'll be getting paid again soon, things will be easier, because he can come visit, or I can come visit, and we can talk more now. Yet I couldn't bring myself to tell him anything caring, like 'I miss you', and not because I don't miss him, but because I'm afraid of putting the wall down again. The truth is, for some reason, when I think of seeing him again, it brings tears to my eyes, and not like sad tears, like happy tears. Sigh....
carhill Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 And therein lies the frustration of my life. A frustration given a definition by our MC. "Those women are not healthy for you. Accept that" I hope you find your truth.
northstar1 Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I think you need to think about what it is that you want out a relationship and what this guy can offer you, both now and long term. I'm assuming you are looking for something long term, a healthy relationship built on mutual respect, trust and compatibility? IF so, than do you think this guy has enough of his S&&t together to offer you what you crave? Why, in just a few short months, have you had to post several threads about dramatic events, misunderstandings, questionable trust? Because something isn't working. What is it that this guy offers you that is complimenting your life? Is he someone who could provide a stable life for you? At what point do you stop making excuses for him and start questioning if He is good enough for you?
Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Maybe it's me. Maybe there's something wrong with my emotions and how I feel. My mind has been on a rollercoaster ride, and it's not the first time it's been like that for me, in my life. Maybe I just expect the worst, and end up feeling the worse.
Kamille Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Dreamer, I hold you in the highest regard: I love the way you take on advice and are actually willing to work on yourself. I'll be blunt though: I can see how you're fueling this drama. I'm not saying your bf and that girl are guilt free - but you could approach this whole situation very differently. You have walls up. You say so yourself. Your boyfriend tells you he wants things to work out, and you keep finding reasons to worry. At this point dreamer, you have to find strenght in yourself. Either you trust you and his capacity to work things out together or you don't. Either you take comfort in knowing he wants to work things out, or you don't. Either you let him take the lead or you keep feeling insecure and provoking more drama. Let it go. Trust in yourself, your own judgement and your own strenght. You will make the best decisions for you. edit: I was writing at the same time you posted: you can pull through this. You do have the strenght: you've shown you had it in the past.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Dreamer, I hold you in the highest regard: I love the way you take on advice and are actually willing to work on yourself. I'll be blunt though: I can see how you're fueling this drama. I'm not saying your bf and that girl are guilt free - but you could approach this whole situation very differently. I think I am too. I think that it was started because of how the situation started, and it's what put the thoughts in my mind, and now I don't know how to move past it. It's like the fire was lit for me, but now I'm the one feeding it. You have walls up. You say so yourself. Your boyfriend tells you he wants things to work out, and you keep finding reasons to worry. At this point dreamer, you have to find strenght in yourself. Either you trust you and his capacity to work things out together or you don't. Either you take comfort in knowing he wants to work things out, or you don't. Either you let him take the lead or you keep feeling insecure and provoking more drama. I don't know how to put my walls back down. They were down before he left. Now I just feel defensive and frustrated. Let it go. Trust in yourself, your own judgement and your own strenght. You will make the best decisions for you. edit: I was writing at the same time you posted: you can pull through this. You do have the strenght: you've shown you had it in the past. I can't figure out what the best choice is for me right now. I start to feel better, then I take two steps back. This sounds really stupid, but I get upset when I hear about all these things he's doing that we used to do together. I miss certain things, and I don't know how to deal with that. It's like I just want to run from this situation, and I tell him that, because he asks what I'm thinking or whatever, and he'll be like, 'don't say things like that, I know it's not true'. What is wrong with me that I can't just step back and not have a flood of emotions wave over me?
carhill Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 What is wrong with me that I can't just step back and not have a flood of emotions wave over me? IMO, human. Learning psychological tools in MC to manage the chaos of emotion helped me. Don't know if that would work for you or not. Tell me, since he left, about when he has discussed your relationship issues with you face to face. This is where my frustration lies, mainly a result of emotional tampon syndrome, with women who believe the words even when there are no actions to back them up in a healthy way. Even not knowing all the backstory, the snapshot provided in this thread gives me a bad feeling. IMO, healthy relationships should bring positive energy, inspiration and a feeling of well-being into our respective lives. If that is not there, or it takes too much work to achieve a modicum of it, IMO, it's better to be alone or without that person in our life.
Trialbyfire Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 dreamergrl, straight up, a guy who's all in, isn't going to give you any doubts that he is. I still wonder about the bad boy syndrome.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 IMO, human. Learning psychological tools in MC to manage the chaos of emotion helped me. Don't know if that would work for you or not. Tell me, since he left, about when he has discussed your relationship issues with you face to face. This is where my frustration lies, mainly a result of emotional tampon syndrome, with women who believe the words even when there are no actions to back them up in a healthy way. Even not knowing all the backstory, the snapshot provided in this thread gives me a bad feeling. . We spent the weekend together before he left. We talked about how things would go, what he'd be doing (like his goals and such), he told me that he wouldn't want any other woman because he has me, how often we'd stay in contact, ect ect. Then he'd just hold me for a while, or kiss me, cuddle me, look into my eyes and tell me how much he'd miss me, even got choked up a few times. The contact was good until last Friday. Now it's way better. We talked last night, and again this morning on the phone. Then I hear him asking roomie and her bf if they want some breakfast. I know big deal, but then I start thinking about when we'd have breakfast together, and all the times I cooked for him and he cooked for me. Then my heart just sinks. I get sad, then he doesn't want to talk anymore. I can't help how I feel, and I can't turn off emotions. I even checked out a book on breathing exercises and stuff to help me relax more. Which I actually have been using. But sometimes it doesn't help. I did actually fall asleep fast last night, which I haven't been lately.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 dreamergrl, straight up, a guy who's all in, isn't going to give you any doubts that he is. I still wonder about the bad boy syndrome. Me too, and then I wonder if I'm creating doubt so I have a reason to bail.
northstar1 Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 We spent the weekend together before he left. We talked about how things would go, what he'd be doing (like his goals and such), he told me that he wouldn't want any other woman because he has me, how often we'd stay in contact, ect ect. Then he'd just hold me for a while, or kiss me, cuddle me, look into my eyes and tell me how much he'd miss me, even got choked up a few times. The contact was good until last Friday. Now it's way better. We talked last night, and again this morning on the phone. Then I hear him asking roomie and her bf if they want some breakfast. I know big deal, but then I start thinking about when we'd have breakfast together, and all the times I cooked for him and he cooked for me. Then my heart just sinks. I get sad, then he doesn't want to talk anymore. I can't help how I feel, and I can't turn off emotions. I even checked out a book on breathing exercises and stuff to help me relax more. Which I actually have been using. But sometimes it doesn't help. I did actually fall asleep fast last night, which I haven't been lately. Again Dreamer, is this the stuff healthy, positive relationship are supposed to give you?
Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Again Dreamer, is this the stuff healthy, positive relationship are supposed to give you? No, it's not, but I keep thinking I'm doing it to myself. I'm the only one who can fix it. But I don't know how, other then to bail.
Trialbyfire Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Me too, and then I wonder if I'm creating doubt so I have a reason to bail.You were okay until he gave you reason to doubt him and yet, for some reason, it's made you invest more. Something to consider.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 You were okay until he gave you reason to doubt him and yet, for some reason, it's made you invest more. Something to consider. You know, that is very true, and a pattern for myself. When I feel hurt or what not, that emotion comes on so strong. I'm the same way if I'm happy, I'm really happy, like ear to ear smiles all day long. I've also done this in the past where if I get hurt, I find reasons to think I'll get hurt again, so I can bail. If I fear something, I find more reason to fear it so I can just not deal with it. I wish I could tone down how strong my emotions get.
carhill Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Try thinking of this as living a healthy life for yourself, not "bailing" on him. You're not bailing on anyone. It appears he's living and functioning quite well in your absence, yes? It's when you have your doubts, and express them, that he needs to be "all in" as TBF mentions, and take the lead. This is where a good man shines. He's confident of his love for you and stays the course with no ambiguity. That's my take, anyway. Back to new-old guy. It's Friday. Any plans with him for the weekend?
Kamille Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 No, it's not, but I keep thinking I'm doing it to myself. I'm the only one who can fix it. But I don't know how, other then to bail. I think, like you, that you are doing it to yourself. I feel like you are looking for some kind of validation from him - a validation that he cannot give you because of the situation. And this is what is leading you to over-react when something starts the fire. He cannot complete you Dreamer. He cannot cater to your every emotions. You're responsible for those. Recognize them and own up to them. Accept that you won't always feel 100% great, that how you feel changes, and often changes for the better if you just accept your emotions and let them go. But your boyfriend shouldn't be the one who has to ensure your emotional stability. He can add to your life, but you will have to be the one who finds peace within herself. And once you tap into that strenght, you'll be able to see clearer into your relationship.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Try thinking of this as living a healthy life for yourself, not "bailing" on him. You're not bailing on anyone. It appears he's living and functioning quite well in your absence, yes? Well I don't know, he says he's unhappy with the situation, being away from me, but it's something he has to do because it will put him in a better position in a few months, and that will make it better for us. I think how he put it was, he wants to be a person I'm proud of being with. It's when you have your doubts, and express them, that he needs to be "all in" as TBF mentions, and take the lead. This is where a good man shines. He's confident of his love for you and stays the course with no ambiguity. That's my take, anyway. Well since he's gotten his phone and all, he's been talking to me, and being there more for me. Which is what is confusing my emotions, because I agree he should be all in when I need this from him, and now he's doing that, before he wasn't. Back to new-old guy. It's Friday. Any plans with him for the weekend? Nothing yet. I have to go pick up some furniture to store for my place I'll be moving into in a few months. New-Old guy sent me a brief message on wed telling me he's been trying to get the pictures from the zoo uploaded, and that was about it. I left a message asking if he had plans this weekend, if he'd maybe wanna do something, but haven't heard back, which I'm kind of okay with just because with everything that's been going on this week.
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