avengedsevenfold Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Hi, Im In a Long Distance Relationship atm, things seem great when were spending weekends together, but when were apart, i notice things change. ive been told i look depressive and even need help, im losing my job and my jealousy is becoming more and more out of control as day goes by. I get jealous about pretty much everything, even though my girlfriend is trustworthy, my insecure jealousy still brings her to tears, sometimes i feel i need to bring her the pain i feel, but afterwards i feel sickened id think such a thing. I sometimes get jealous about past stuff, which doesnt matter, i try tell myself its dead and buried, but horrible jealous thoughts always come back and haunt me, im now facing losing my job, and losing my bloody mind, i cant eat or sleep properly, jealousy is taking over, what on gods green earth can i do? How can i stop my own insecurity and jealousy From destroying the thing i live for? alot of my friends and family have betrayed me in the past, i often wonder if this is the aftermath of such a thing, You decide? Thanks for reading, All Awnsers are welcome!!
Bearandsue Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 That sound like a huge problem. I think you need to seek professional help to control and identify where this jealousy is stemming from.
Lizzie60 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I guess it's normal to feel jealousy when in a LDR... you never know what's going on.. I've never been in LDR per se.. but I guess I would have 'accepted' that they could see other people .. there is not much you can do about it.. they would deny it anyway.. so might as well.. accept the fact that no one 'owns' anyone.. Jealousy is not a good thing.. it destroys the person who is possessive.. you got to learn to go through life and accept that people will never be monogamous for a long period of time.. and even worst if they're far away. Sorry.. but this is life..
Sibyl Vane Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I've never been in LDR per se.. but I guess I would have 'accepted' that they could see other people .. there is not much you can do about it.. they would deny it anyway.. so might as well.. accept the fact that no one 'owns' anyone.. I agree. I think as long as the LDR circumstances will remain the same, both people should be available to date others. If the relationship is meant to be, one or the other will make the effort to move. Limiting yourself to this one person you only have contact with over the phone, internet etc only puts pressure on the relationship. Some sort of human contact is needed...
Lovelybird Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 It is good now you face your jealousy problem. Here is a great article dealing with this, hope this helps Have you ever had to deal with a jealous husband or wife? Most marriages at some time or another go through a period of mistrust and jealousy when their spouse does something to merit mistrust. Maybe they flirted or maybe they had an affair or it could be that they didn’t do anything at all to warrant distrust. More often than not when a spouse is jealous of the other without merit it means they do not trust them selves. If they don’t trust them selves they usually are jealous, suspicious, controlling, and insecure. This can be a living nightmare for the spouse who has to take this sort of abuse. But it doesn’t have to be like this. Ask your self. Why am I jealous? Why do I not trust my spouse? What have they done to merit my suspicions of them? Maybe you have good reason to feel the way you do. But more than likely your misgivings about your spouse have gotten out of hand. We need to be honest with our self about the actions we take in life. The heart of the matter is, we either trust our spouse or we don’t, there is no in between here. Where does trust come from? Having trust for your spouse is not just a feeling but an action as well. It is through our actions that we show our spouse that we trust in them. It means we feel confident and assured enough to regard them with our trust. Trust is actually a great virtue of character that a person holds. Everyday and everywhere the issue of trust comes up, not just in marriage. Sometimes we just need to trust people otherwise we might not accomplish our goals in life, or believe with the faith that we are supposed to. There might be times when we will need to regain back trust for someone who has hurt us and this entails that we hold the virtue of trust within our character. In marriage, unless otherwise merited, trust should already be an established commitment by both spouses. Without trust and faith in marriage there would be so much insecure behavior floating around such as, distrust, doubt, suspicions, lying, jealousy, possessiveness, and control issues that divorce would even start to sound good. Divorce over the issue of jealousy and mistrust? It is important that couples get to the bottom of why a spouse feels suspicious of the other. I can tell you what I think and you’ll probably shrug it off. But I have to tell you anyway. When we do not know who we are, we have no purpose or connection to the source of who we are, we tend to live upon our own feelings, ideas, beliefs, and such; those things become our purpose, which is to gratify self. We don’t have any real wisdom and understanding as to why our feelings make us feel bad or why we do the things we do. In a peapod we are connected to self and what our feelings tell us, and disconnected from our source and what our source tells us. But our source is where our life giving spiritual food and water come from. Our source is where we learn to grow out from the selfish person we are and into the loving person we were meant to be. The inability to trust our spouse stems from the lack of Christ in our life. It is really that simple. We don’t have to be religious fanatics to be the loving people God meant for us to be. What we do need to do though is accept and allow Jesus Christ into our life by whatever means is easiest for us. What’s so hard about that? Here is how it works. You give Jesus your vices and He will then give you the virtues of His nature. The fruits we bear come from the living spiritual Christ in our life. In other words a person’s moral fiber originates from what he believes, and what he does with those beliefs. There are many great virtues a man can live by, and there are many bad vices a man can live by. What I’m trying to say is if you mistrust your spouse and often feel possessive and jealous over them it is because of your own insecurities taking over your mind. This doesn’t have to happen. Where do insecurities come from? They don’t come from God that is for sure and they aren’t a fruit of the spiritual self either. They come from self. If we doubt self, we will ultimately doubt others as well. If I feel bad about who I am, I will often be critical, envious, judgmental and jealous of others. These are the insecurities that we create in our own mind. It is not fair that we radiate our insecure behavior upon those we love. That is why God has given us a most special gift called the Holy Spirit. This is Christ’s Spirit within us. We have the choice. We can either choose to lean on our own understanding for guidance and behave selfishly, or we can grow out from the vices of self and become one with Jesus Christ. Jesus is the virtues of character that I have been talking about. [The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the life. I warn you as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness, gentleness ands self control.] Galatians 5:19-22 The question we ought to ask our self then is would I rather doubt my spouse and feel bad about my self and marriage, or trust my spouse and feel good about my spouse, my self and my marriage? We have choices. ~~ Angie Lewis offers spiritual enlightenment tips for couples in marriage, and is the author of JOURNEY ON THE ROADS LESS TRAVELED. This unique book is about love, life, marriage, addiction, temptation, and understanding the power of spiritual awareness for your marriage. To find out more about this new book click here, http://www.spiritual.journeybooks.4t.com/
Sibyl Vane Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 For some reason I don't think an Avenged Sevenfold fan cares much for Jesus.
Lovelybird Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I thought I should quote it anyway, may helps Oh, I won't try LDR though, it is just personal opinion, there are few people like Island Girl
Sibyl Vane Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 There are a few people...very, very few people I'd imagine.
Lovelybird Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 you can belong to the few IF the occasion rise
LikeCharlotte Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I just went through this... I lost my mind for almost 2 weeks. I tried very very hard not to take it out on him and to talk it through but I am certain that the talking must have been quite taxing. The facts: 1.) We have no specific or mutual commitment to exclusivity 2.) I have not and do not pursue or entertain other relationships and have not since we met 3.) I've told him this and if I changed my mind I would tell him despite the potential damage. He deserves to know and decide how he feels about anything I might do for himself - He thinks it would mean that I feel differently about him if I did ... I have no idea since I can't imagine ever taking the potential damage risk. 4.) He is not on the same page with points 2 and 3 and it makes me completely insane sometimes. I often want to write what he "feels" or thinks on this forum but I realize that I will not be able to articulate it and accurately describe it as we may agree sometimes but we are two separate people and I do not want to make him sound awful or misinterpret his opinions and feelings. Here is what I have decided and I hope it helps you. I can't control what he does nor would I want to. I can't do anything but look at what I can actually see hear and feel. What I see is that he spends an awful lot of time and energy on me despite really impossible circumstances. I hear constant compliments and reassurances - he listens to me and is a real and present part of my daily life. I feel loved and adored. So what is my problem? Nothing. Not anymore. I am confident enough to know that I am a rare and wonderful person. He's not going anywhere because of someone he might meet; at least not on a whim. If anything the distance is what I should fear - it is a much more viable and realistic obstacle, one which I plan to overcome. Try to look at what actually IS and appreciate it. Accept that you cannot do anything about what she chooses to do. Be confident that you chose and put trust into the right person. Show it. It will strengthen your relationship and make it one that is not easily penetrated and destroyed. Jealousy weakens you and your relationship from the inside. Don't let it in. Build a wall of mutual support, confidence and strength. If you are as serious as you say you are you will conquer this demon of yours. My demon was pretty weak but it looked very intimidating! Just do it. You can.
Author avengedsevenfold Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 thanks for the support everyone, i am currently looking to make all those points my objective, ive learnt its all boiled down to self confidence, since ive had that squashed out of me for the past 5 years by everyone i thought i could trust, ive learnt since theyre lies and will be the better person and not let it effect my life, i will overcome this depression. thankyou all for your support and help
Island Girl Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Hi, Im In a Long Distance Relationship atm, things seem great when were spending weekends together, but when were apart, i notice things change. Hi. Well change in relationships is hard. But in an LDR it is even more difficult. Our relationships are based on "sliding foundations" as it is. A lot of our needs have to be put aside and the focus is on the emotional/mental aspect of the relationship. In exploring these things so intimately ALL the time we often find out new things about each other and relating to each other. We end up knowing each other in ways most people don't but the trade off is we have to be extremely vulnerable to each other. That is really scary in the beginning (and by beginning that could be years). ive been told i look depressive and even need help, im losing my job and my jealousy is becoming more and more out of control as day goes by. All of these things can affect ANY relationship. The flames of insecurity are just fanned to the inferno level. It isn't surprising AT ALL that you are feeling jealous and insecure. But you do need to try to maintain perspective. She isn't there physically for you to lean on, etc. Her body isn't going to be quiet comforting or just there. It can be strong though. She can still have a presence in your life and in your world. That is the connection you share. And with these terrible circumstances you are facing you can either use them to get closer or push her away. Your choice. I get jealous about pretty much everything, even though my girlfriend is trustworthy, my insecure jealousy still brings her to tears, sometimes i feel i need to bring her the pain i feel, but afterwards i feel sickened id think such a thing. This is just terrible. How awful that you are lashing out at her. And then you have yet another reason to be down on yourself. So then you feel horrible and want to inflict more pain. What a vicious cycle. THAT you do need to get help with. It is not uncommon to take our frustrations out on our partner. But that doesn't mean it is healthy. I sometimes get jealous about past stuff, which doesnt matter, i try tell myself its dead and buried, but horrible jealous thoughts always come back and haunt me, im now facing losing my job, and losing my bloody mind, i cant eat or sleep properly, jealousy is taking over, what on gods green earth can i do? How can i stop my own insecurity and jealousy From destroying the thing i live for? alot of my friends and family have betrayed me in the past, i often wonder if this is the aftermath of such a thing, You decide? Thanks for reading, All Awnsers are welcome!! You are fixating. You need psychological help with your depression and feelings of hopelessness. You more than likely have abandonment issues - your symptoms are classic. You can get help -- and if you do it WILL help. But you have to make the decision to not live as you have been.
Island Girl Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Jealousy is not a good thing.. it destroys the person who is possessive.. you got to learn to go through life and accept that people will never be monogamous for a long period of time.. and even worst if they're far away. You may have had to learn that "lesson" but there are other people who have been monogamous for long periods of time and have happy relationships, marriages, etc. Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Sorry.. but this is life.. This is life as you see it Lizzie60. And for some reason it seems you can not accept that your experiences and outlook are not the hard fast rule for everyone else. I agree. I think as long as the LDR circumstances will remain the same, both people should be available to date others. If the relationship is meant to be, one or the other will make the effort to move. This is tantamount to a death sentence for an LDR. If this is the case and the people are going to see other people then you may as well break it off. There may of course be exceptions but it is a VERY rare LDR indeed that can survive with these circumstances. Limiting yourself to this one person you only have contact with over the phone, internet etc only puts pressure on the relationship. Some sort of human contact is needed... It is the opposite actually. Not limiting yourself to contact with that partner only puts strain and pressure on the relationship. It causes insecurities to flare up, etc. Oh, I won't try LDR though, it is just personal opinion, there are few people like Island Girl ...? Thanks... I think... There are a few people...very, very few people I'd imagine. ......??
Trialbyfire Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Monogamy is a pretty easy choice for some people, where for others, it's impossible. I suspect that those who can't maintain monogamy within a relationship, need a lot of external validation, thus use sex as a means of filling up the empty void inside of them. OP, if you're having difficulties trusting your partner within an LDR, it's time to take a serious look at both of you. Some questions to ask yourself: Is she giving you reason to trust or distrust her? Both sides of this question are meaningful.Are you having problems trusting yourself, hence are projecting?Have you reason to distrust aka been cheated on in the past?Are you the right person for an LDR?I had an LDR that crashed and burned. We were probably the worst two people you could put into one. I also experienced that territorial feeling since I didn't get a sense of commitment from him. He leaned towards a need for a lot of external validation, was shallow, was selfish, was afraid of commitment, was passive-aggressive, was a "grass is greener" type and never really had any meaningful trust or respect for me. To be fair, he also had some very admirable qualities but I'm too lazy to write them all down. I also had some personal issues but choose not to express them. So, at the end of the day, it ended, which I personally feel was for the best!
Author avengedsevenfold Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 thanks again for all your advice, i have booked help for me, ive accepted im a monster and i guess this is my punishment, thanks of you anyways, i didnt realise life was so hard:)
Island Girl Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 thanks again for all your advice, i have booked help for me, ive accepted im a monster and i guess this is my punishment, thanks of you anyways, i didnt realise life was so hard:) Is that really what you got from all of the posts to you? If so, I am sorry you took everything so negatively. I certainly did not mean to come across that way in my post. All of us have issues in dealing with relationships. If we can't see certain things sometimes it is because we are so close to the problem. I don't think you have any problems that others including myself don't have. For instance, I have fear of abandonment issues. But I have learned to identify why my "knee jerk reactions" are what they are when put in certain situations. I hope you do seek help because you seemed really unhappy and so much of it can be helped with just understanding your reactions and possibly why you feel the way you do sometimes.
Trialbyfire Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I also never intended that kind of negativity towards you. If anything, I was trying to say that you're not alone in experiencing uncertainty. But I am glad that you've sought some professional help on this, since it's impacting you in such a harsh way. Don't be afraid to say that the two of you might not be suited for an LDR. IMO, there are very few people who can sustain one, at least for any length of time. Hats off to Island Girl and her husband.
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