New and getting some stuff off my chest

[lkjh]

I know this is a different view but you are aware that with so many children you guys need to work a lot. Could you afford your lifestyle if your H cut his work down by 30%? Will you kids have everything they need ? Will you? Will he?

[Pradajunkie]

I know this is a different view but you are aware that with so many children you guys need to work a lot. Could you afford your lifestyle if your H cut his work down by 30%? Will you kids have everything they need ? Will you? Will he?

 

the great thing about his job is some of it, about 20%, could be done at home. That being said, he has found time to take off to golf, or to go to a baseball, football or hockey game or hang out with friends. But he won't take time off to go on a family vacation, or even a funeral on my side of the family. We have everything we need and then some. His industry is booming right now, one of the few that is doing well. The kids would be happier if he was coaching one of their sports or tossing a ball outside with them, more so then getting another gaming system, laptop, or some other ridiculous material item. I think the real problem is right now in our marriage we can't afford for him NOT to be here...the monetary value is insignificant.

[Cherished]

Definitely don't look into getting a career if you divorce. You need to get a lawyer who can somehow override that alimony cap of 5 years, if that is true.

You deserve more than shoved out and forced to get a job while he has easy sailing after he treated you and your kids like crap all these years.

[sugarmomma]

actually Jack, I think it's a greater problem than just his, it's turned into family problem, His, mine and our children. I know I have my faults, but assuming I'm talking at him would be incorrect. Unfortunately whenever I've attempted to engage him in a conversation he usually zones out and doesn't listen or he starts manipulating what I've said and turning it around to take things out of context and argue those key points which typically have nothing to do with the issue at hand.

As for dening him sex, I have tried everything in my power to have sex with him, I have thought if I just do it I'll get into it, if I just try, what do you suggest Jack? Im so angry and so frusterated the minute he touches me I want to cry or I get nauseous. He has essentially denied me the love and respect I deserve, women need to feel loved, sexy,and appreciated to get passionate about sex. (for the most part)

So what is the solution?

 

The man sounds sexually frustrated. Give hima good blowjob as soon as he walks in the door. That usually works for me when I need something from my man.

 

You say "I can't stand having sex with him anymore and I love having sex, but the minute he touches me I feel sick." I don't know if it will work in this case.

[Gunny376]

I can only speculate from your screen name and his obsession with climbing the corporate ladder and becoming more and more successful along with earning more that your family has similarities to ours.

 

We have been married 15 years, have 5 kids (ranging in age from 14 to 2), and have been keeping up with the Joneses for years... We had 4 late model vehicles including a fancy hybrid for work, a 2 seat Mercedes convertible for leisure, and we are still living in a 3500 sq ft McMansion, lots of PC's, Flat Screen TV's, etc, etc, etc...

 

Well, I have been the sole breadwinner for the last 5-6 years, and earned good living - but we were living beyond our means. Then, last November, the bottom fell out when I unexpectedly lost my job. The next few months unemployed were some of the best months of my marriage. We strengthened things, and spent a lot of time together and she no longer felt like 'a single mom.' Things are better now in our marital life, but we were absolutely rock bottom financially speaking.

 

I suppose if I could do it all again, I would started living like we live now many many years ago (financially speaking), and then I would have had the ability to take time off of work whenever needed...

 

I'm guessing the love is really still there and the two of you can work this out - but it may take an earth shattering event to really make him realize what the important things in life are - show him this thread!

 

Best of luck to you and your family!

 

In the book titled "Crazy Time" the author relates a true story about a man that kept his nose to the grind stone in order to climb the corporate ladder.

 

Finally his day arrived and he was promoted to corporate vice president and got the corner office on the top floor with a view.

 

Of course by this time? The kids were grown and gone and on their own. It was just he and the wife now.

 

He came home with champagne and roses in hand to celebrate. The wife just looked at him with a 'ho-hum' and told him that she just wished that he had spend more time with him and the children when they were growing up?

 

Men and women are culturally and socially conditioned from childhood to fill and play certain roles in society and our culture ~ to include marriage.

 

For a lot of men that means climbing the letter of success and being a good provider. In so long as we're not wife beaters, cheaters, drunks, druggies, etc ~ in a lot of men's minds we're good to go.

 

But these same men fail to realize ~ cannot realize that there are others addictions (hunting, fishing, cars, four wheelers, gaming, and yes work) that if not addictions become obsessions.

 

Many become wrapped up in the down spiral of keeping up with the Jones' when the truth be told ~ the Jones are one month away from being foreclosed on and one payment away from having their cars, RVs, boats, reposed.

 

If anything? The current recession has proven the Great American Dream to be the Great American Lie. Its all a joke.

 

Per Carlos Xuma of "The Dating Blackbook"

 

If you want to last over the long haul, you'll have to start meeting a minimum level of certain relationship requirements. Consider these the vitamins you'll need to give the relationship to keep things healthy.

 

Romance: She requires a certain amount of healthy affection and attention to survive with you. You need to keep up a lot of the courting behavior that you going in the first place. Thing like holding hands, occasional back-rubs, and to include a certain amount of "I Love You's. Don't be a Nice Guy and think that the more you tell her you love her, the better off you'll be. These are just words, and prove nothing to her! Don't just tell her, show her.

 

Restraint: Make no mistakes, you'll never be able to satisfy all her needs. Its can't be done. And from time to time you'll have to get some mandatory skirmishes over expectations your not meeting. For a woman there is no perfect relationship. There's always something that needs work, if she's in complete bliss? Your missing something.

 

I written just enough to make the point that if you and your spouse find yourself in a dull, emotionless relationship with a bad case of the "ho-hums" then its time to quit being a fool and get yourself back into school.

 

Eradicate external influences, prioritize, regain your center. Become passionate about yourself, your life, your marriage, your spouse.

 

If your a man? Read Carlos "Dating Blackbook" and "Secrets of the Alphamale" not to date other women, but to date your mate and to regain your center as a man and the man in her life, and in your children's and family lives.

 

If your a man re-dedicate yourself to your spouse, your children, your family. Your single best chance at success with marriage is with for the most part with your first wife ~ the woman you had children with.

 

With each successive marriage ~ your chances of success falls off about 10%.

 

If your a couple? And your still together? Read Hellen Kriedmans's "Light Her Fire" ~ "Light His Fire" and "How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy"

 

To the original poster? Yes you too can turn it around ~ but your going to need to educate yourself and the DH is going to have to re-educate himself.

 

Your going to have to give up on a lot of societal, cultural myths, fallacies, and outright lies about what a marriage is and isn't (even religious ones)

 

Your DH has the most work to do! And he's going to have to do it quick, fast and in a hurry like. And he's got a short time to do it in!

 

You for the time being need to understand that women aren't men ~ and men aren't women. I realize that stands on its on face value ~ but you can't fault the man for not thinking like a woman ~ he's not one! Our brains are literally wire differently! (i.e Women typically have 10,000 more olfactory cells in their noses than men do ~ which is why women are so much more BIG on smells than men!)

 

Women's brains have more cross lateral connections between the two lobes of the brain, which is why women use twice the words per day than men, and men can't win a verbal argument with women.

 

AS for the children ~ I would recommend reading "Second Chances" a book about a multi-generational study in CA that found that the effects of divorce affect children of divorce into their thirties and forties!

[Pradajunkie]

Gunny you are a wealth of information and I appreciate you getting all of that to me, I'm looking into books now to send him, he's been sent to another state for a possible relocation, maybe it's good timing for me personally, even if it's bad timing for the relationship, maybe I can feel less foggy and have more clarity.

I will be here till the kids are out of school, so we will be apart for almost 2 months.

 

Thank you again...I appreciate your input

[Pradajunkie]

lol Sugarmomma, ummmm to many things have happened for me to just drop to my knees and take care of him. I feel like I've taken care of him for way too long... It's time for him to step up or lose me.