New and getting some stuff off my chest

[Pradajunkie]

here's my situation and I'm lost as to what to do, I've been w/ my husband for 14 years, we have a large family I'd rather not say how many kids, more than 3 less then 8, My marriage was always pretty good up until my last pregnancy. My husband did some very hurtful things, he didn't cheat but to me what he did was worse, he removed himself from our family. He started focusing more on his job spending more time at work and less time with the kids. I had some pretty serious complications which was supposed to keep me on bedrest, the more help I needed the less he was there. He apologized for his absence a few years after the fact, but I can't seem to get over it and forgive him...As I look back he always seems to take off when I have needed him the most. At the same time he wants me to be his cheerleader for everthing he goes through.

He makes great money and I've felt blessed to stay at home wth my kids. For the past 5 years I've felt like a single mom. There has been no emotional support, no intimacy, no relationship. I can't stand having sex with him anymore and I love having sex, but the minute he touches me I feel sick. Since then we have relocated for his work several times, and he's pulled himself farther and farther away into his career. He literally doesnt involve himself with our family what so ever. I am doing all the school things all the extracurricular activites, all the household duties, all the bill paying and I'm spread so thin I feel like I'm about to break. I know his job is stressful, and I know he's doing what he can to be a provider, but there's more to life than providing. He's missed the better part of our children's youth moving up in his company. I've tried communicating how I feel about our relationship, but every conversation has turned into an argument. The only safe conversatons are the weather, the kids sporting events, as long as I'm not asking him to help, and his beloved job. Which he talks about nonstop...He's more likely to tell me about his work day and the people he works with, then to ask me how I am or how the kids are. I feel lost and screwed, financially, I gave up my career and my schooling to have our large family. A big part of me is done with this... I feel like I deserve better, I deserve to be loved and cared about. I'm tired of explaining to the kids, daddy loves you but he can't attend your (insert various activity here) because he has to work.

Another part of me wants to do everything I can to keep my family intact, but I can't keep going at this pace...it's destroying me. I keep thinking one day he'll see it or understand it...but he won't. We've been to couseling and after about 6 months he thinks everything is going great he starts missing appointments and slips back into his career obsessed patterns... I know this is long and I appreciate if you got this far.... has anyone else been through this and could you offer me some advice.... I'm just at that point where I feel I have to make that choice do I stay or do I go?

thanks

[Intricategirl]

Yep, I mostly went through this scenario, except that my husband also wanted me to have that same type of job and ended it with an affair. But if you read my other posts here, you'll see that I don't have any regrets. I forgive him, but won't take him back.

 

I absolutely can't tell you what to do. It's your decision. I do not regret staying and trying to make it work. Like I'm always telling my friends- I had 13 years and 2 kids with a man I loved. How's that a failure? That being said, would I do it again? I doubt it. I'm glad he pulled the plug, however ugly and ill-timed, because I'm not sure I would have had the guts to do it.

 

I guess what I'm saying is I can't give you advice one way or another. It's your decision whether you want to keep putting more effort into it than he is.

[mark982]

he's a work aholic,it usually runs in the family,was his dad? in his mind he's doing what's right and what he's been taught. very few of us can say we love our job,so for you that's a double whammy.i highly dought you'll ever change him,it's just the way he's wired.i can step back now and see what i missed,daughtr growing up and i was always working,one day your husband will wake up and it will hit him like a ton of bricks,and the regret will weigh heavy on this heart.

[Pradajunkie]

Yep, I mostly went through this scenario, except that my husband also wanted me to have that same type of job and ended it with an affair. But if you read my other posts here, you'll see that I don't have any regrets. I forgive him, but won't take him back.

 

I absolutely can't tell you what to do. It's your decision. I do not regret staying and trying to make it work. Like I'm always telling my friends- I had 13 years and 2 kids with a man I loved. How's that a failure? That being said, would I do it again? I doubt it. I'm glad he pulled the plug, however ugly and ill-timed, because I'm not sure I would have had the guts to do it.

 

I guess what I'm saying is I can't give you advice one way or another. It's your decision whether you want to keep putting more effort into it than he is.

 

Ugh I'm so sorry for what you went through and it's good that you could forgive him, I keep trying to figure this through and it's such a struggle.... I've alway been a strong woman so it's hard feeling so stuck between 2 choices and not knowing which one is right...

Thank you for your insight, I appreciate it

[Pradajunkie]

he's a work aholic,it usually runs in the family,was his dad? in his mind he's doing what's right and what he's been taught. very few of us can say we love our job,so for you that's a double whammy.i highly dought you'll ever change him,it's just the way he's wired.i can step back now and see what i missed,daughtr growing up and i was always working,one day your husband will wake up and it will hit him like a ton of bricks,and the regret will weigh heavy on this heart.

 

I believe his dad was a workaholic, until health reasons slowed him down.

I wish he could wake up now... see what he's missing and what he may lose in the long run.... I've not been perfect, and I know I have my faults, but I've been very patient and understanding about his hours and his work habits and I'm not sure I can be either of those things much longer...

[whichwayisup]

You two need counselling badly, otherwise one or both of you may end up cheating.

 

The resentment you've built up over time is affecting how you feel about him, that's for sure. Seems, even if he makes the effort, it won't be good enough for you.

 

Talk to him, tell him that you're unhappy and together fix this, for your kids sake.

[Billy Bob]

here's my situation and I'm lost as to what to do, I've been w/ my husband for 14 years, we have a large family I'd rather not say how many kids, more than 3 less then 8

 

I'll assume you have 5 or 6 kids then, all younger than 14.. Just a fact you need to realize.. if you divorce your husband and want to meet someone new, guys will avoid you like the plauge.. You might find a few to take a roll in the hay with, but I can almost guarantee you that 99.9% of the guys out there won't stick around for an extra minute once they find out about that many kids you have.

 

Not saying that if you can't get him turned around you shouldn't leave him.. just realize that running off with a new Mr. Wonderful won't be reality.

[TrustInYourself]

Stop focusing on the bad. Start focusing on the good.

 

What is your typical reaction to his absence? Do you work yourself up into an angry frenzy? Do you consider how hard you work at home and how he's off on his own?

 

Understanding and communication are overated. What you need to be doing, is taking steps to encourage him to stay with you. Freeze him out. No lovemaking. No conversation. No support. Focus on pampering yourself. Forget him and focus on you. When you feel good about talking with him and he's open to listening, that's when you can discuss your feelings. Right now, he's in the fog of his career. It's just like any other addiction.

 

Focus on you. Your reaction to the events and circumstances. Stop thinking backward, and start thinking about how you can change things now, for yourself.

[2sure]

You both must have wanted a large family. You decided together that he would work and you would stay home with the kids. Now, normally that wouldnt mean that you become in essence the sole care taker and he become the sole provider...

 

But with that many kids things are a bit different. I imagine he has to work harder and earn more than someone say, with 2 kids. Everything is exponential. And the same on your end - a Mom who stays home with 2 kids still has free time for herself. With 5 or 6 kids, none.

 

With all of your kids under 14 right now...thats a handful. I would think that as they get older, your situation will become less busy gradually. But it will be years, with college - before he is no longer under the gun financially.

[Pradajunkie]

You two need counselling badly, otherwise one or both of you may end up cheating.

 

The resentment you've built up over time is affecting how you feel about him, that's for sure. Seems, even if he makes the effort, it won't be good enough for you.

 

Talk to him, tell him that you're unhappy and together fix this, for your kids sake.

 

It's absolutely true, I am loaded with resentment and feel like there's nothing he can do to repair it... I have told him I am unhappy I actually ended up writing him a letter, not too long ago, because everytime we try to talk about the big pink elephant in the room he avoids it, argues with me, changes the subject or ignores me.

As for the letter, I asked him if he read it, he said he did and then never responded about it back to me. He did tell me he would get some individual couseling and he never followed through with that either.... I just don't see the effort being made on his part.... and I don't know if it's because maybe he's just as fed up as I am or if it's because he doesn't know what to do.... either way nothing is getting resolved and I feel like my hand is being forced.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I can only speculate from your screen name and his obsession with climbing the corporate ladder and becoming more and more successful along with earning more that your family has similarities to ours.

 

We have been married 15 years, have 5 kids (ranging in age from 14 to 2), and have been keeping up with the Joneses for years... We had 4 late model vehicles including a fancy hybrid for work, a 2 seat mercedes convertible for leisure, and we are still living in a 3500 sq ft McMansion, lots of PC's, Flat Screen TV's, etc, etc, etc...

 

Well, I have been the sole breadwinner for the last 5-6 years, and earned good living - but we were living beyond our means. Then, last November, the bottom fell out when I unexpectedly lost my job. The next few months unemployed were some of the best months of my marriage. We strengthened things, and spent a lot of time together and she no longer felt like 'a single mom.' Things are better now in our marital life, but we were absolutely rock bottom financially speaking.

 

I suppose if I could do it all again, I would started living like we live now many many years ago (financially speaking), and then I would have had the ability to take time off of work whenever needed...

 

I'm guessing the love is really still there and the two of you can work this out - but it may take an earth shattering event to really make him realize what the important things in life are - show him this thread!

 

Best of luck to you and your family!

[Pradajunkie]

I'll assume you have 5 or 6 kids then, all younger than 14.. Just a fact you need to realize.. if you divorce your husband and want to meet someone new, guys will avoid you like the plauge.. You might find a few to take a roll in the hay with, but I can almost guarantee you that 99.9% of the guys out there won't stick around for an extra minute once they find out about that many kids you have.

 

Not saying that if you can't get him turned around you shouldn't leave him.. just realize that running off with a new Mr. Wonderful won't be reality.

 

I suppose some people may get out of a relationship hoping to quickly find someone who fits into their ideals, personally and for the sake of my kids, if I did get divorced I wouldn't be likely to jump in the dating pool so quickly... I have a few young kids to raise and I would focus on that as well as go out and have fun on occasion with some friends, something I haven't been allowed to do because it's always been an issue. As for 99.9% of guys hitting the road because of the amount of kids I have, you might be surprised to hear some guys don't mind it so much, you would also be surprised to hear how many single or divorced dads like to hand out their phone numbers to married moms at the park, football field, etc. some hoping for a fling, some hoping for more... It may not be your thing or something you would stick around for and thats perfectly fine... but you can't assume it's a limitation for 99.9% There's more to a woman than the size of her family

[Billy Bob]

As for 99.9% of guys hitting the road because of the amount of kids I have, you might be surprised to hear some guys don't mind it so much, you would also be surprised to hear how many single or divorced dads like to hand out their phone numbers to married moms at the park, football field, etc. some hoping for a fling, some hoping for more... It may not be your thing or something you would stick around for and thats perfectly fine... but you can't assume it's a limitation for 99.9% There's more to a woman than the size of her family

 

I was a single dad with 2 kids.. I saw how fickle some single gals were with a guy who had 2 kids full time.. I'm sure the guys were 10x worse. It partially comes down to logisitics.. I had one divorced gal who had 6 kids interested in me.. she was gorgeous.. I just had to think of how much time she had to dedicate to 6 kids? You would need a schoolbus to haul her 6 plus my two around! You couldn't have two incomes with that many kids.. probably have one kid sick almost all the time.. You could have a reality TV show though..

[Pradajunkie]

Stop focusing on the bad. Start focusing on the good.

 

What is your typical reaction to his absence? Do you work yourself up into an angry frenzy? Do you consider how hard you work at home and how he's off on his own?

 

Understanding and communication are overated. What you need to be doing, is taking steps to encourage him to stay with you. Freeze him out. No lovemaking. No conversation. No support. Focus on pampering yourself. Forget him and focus on you. When you feel good about talking with him and he's open to listening, that's when you can discuss your feelings. Right now, he's in the fog of his career. It's just like any other addiction.

 

Focus on you. Your reaction to the events and circumstances. Stop thinking backward, and start thinking about how you can change things now, for yourself.

 

I've always been one to take care of myself, and I've always made sure he's come into a calm, clean home, a nice dinner, and most of the time I wait to eat with him so we can spend some time together... recently after he ditched dinner with me a 3rd time I stopped... I stopped waiting for him and started being gone so I'd come in after him...make him wonder where I've been kind of thing...he really doesn't care.... I talked to him this evening about couselling again... short answer he doesn't have the time... I'm consulting a lawyer soon.

[Pradajunkie]

You both must have wanted a large family. You decided together that he would work and you would stay home with the kids. Now, normally that wouldnt mean that you become in essence the sole care taker and he become the sole provider...

 

But with that many kids things are a bit different. I imagine he has to work harder and earn more than someone say, with 2 kids. Everything is exponential. And the same on your end - a Mom who stays home with 2 kids still has free time for herself. With 5 or 6 kids, none.

 

With all of your kids under 14 right now...thats a handful. I would think that as they get older, your situation will become less busy gradually. But it will be years, with college - before he is no longer under the gun financially.

 

yes we both wanted a large family, we wanted a larger family than what we had, after the last pregnancy I couldn't bare the thought of feeling abandoned again when I needed his help so badly, not just because I was miserable, but for the health of our baby... as for college they all have college funding it's been taken care of and untouchable. It's not anything that will affect his earnings, he also likes to buy lots of toys and I would trade my closet and my car for more time with him and for him to spend more time with the kids in a heartbeat...he knows this...he just isn't willing to give it up he likes things how they are

[Pradajunkie]

I can only speculate from your screen name and his obsession with climbing the corporate ladder and becoming more and more successful along with earning more that your family has similarities to ours.

 

We have been married 15 years, have 5 kids (ranging in age from 14 to 2), and have been keeping up with the Joneses for years... We had 4 late model vehicles including a fancy hybrid for work, a 2 seat mercedes convertible for leisure, and we are still living in a 3500 sq ft McMansion, lots of PC's, Flat Screen TV's, etc, etc, etc...

 

Well, I have been the sole breadwinner for the last 5-6 years, and earned good living - but we were living beyond our means. Then, last November, the bottom fell out when I unexpectedly lost my job. The next few months unemployed were some of the best months of my marriage. We strengthened things, and spent a lot of time together and she no longer felt like 'a single mom.' Things are better now in our marital life, but we were absolutely rock bottom financially speaking.

 

I suppose if I could do it all again, I would started living like we live now many many years ago (financially speaking), and then I would have had the ability to take time off of work whenever needed...

 

I'm guessing the love is really still there and the two of you can work this out - but it may take an earth shattering event to really make him realize what the important things in life are - show him this thread!

 

Best of luck to you and your family!

 

thank you, i'm doubting the love, I'm closer to believing in ultimatums,

but I appreciate the well wishes

[Navin_R_Johnson]

The children?

 

I hate to see parents make selfish decisions which have life long, unknown, risky effects on kids.

 

Will divorce help the kids?

[Pradajunkie]

The children?

 

I hate to see parents make selfish decisions which have life long, unknown, risky effects on kids.

 

Will divorce help the kids?

 

that is an excellant question.... It's the one I struggle with most, part of me wants to say yes it would, there is no stability in my relationship, there is cohabitation without respect and love, there is single parenting, with finacial support, is that any different from a divorce situation? They will see me have enough respect for myself to not tolerate being treated badly and protect and remove them from an uninterested parent.

I have issues with divorce I do believe in life long relationships, but not all people are capable of sustaining them.

Another part of me says to stay at all costs, for the kids, for finacial reasons...but none of it says stay because I still have a shred of love for him.... but I think that's more the fear of what might happen if I leave

[Cherished]

Make sure you get a HUGE chunk of alimony for the rest of your life....you have a case in that you quit your career and further schooling for this man and his ideals of having the stay at home mom for a wife. Then we have child support as well.

 

If you divorce, it will not be easy for you to get into a career without the education he denied you because of the lifestyle he wanted.....DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT GETTING HIM HARD IN THE POCKETBOOK. NOT AS REVENGE, JUST FOR THAT YOU WILL NEED IT, AND YOU ARE ENTITLED TO IT.

He is NOT living up to his part of the bargain of being a good husband. Being a good husband is more than just being a provider financially. He is also not a good father to your kids.

GET A HELL OF A GOOD LAWYER AND MAKE SURE YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE TO LIVE A FULL, HAPPY LIFE. DON'T LET HIM SNOWBAG YOU INTO SOME CHINTZY DIVORCE SETTLEMENT WITH NO ALIMONY.

 

 

 

I've always been one to take care of myself, and I've always made sure he's come into a calm, clean home, a nice dinner, and most of the time I wait to eat with him so we can spend some time together... recently after he ditched dinner with me a 3rd time I stopped... I stopped waiting for him and started being gone so I'd come in after him...make him wonder where I've been kind of thing...he really doesn't care.... I talked to him this evening about couselling again... short answer he doesn't have the time... I'm consulting a lawyer soon.

[boldjack]

Junkie, You say that it's all his problem, then go on to say that you have denied him sex. I would say that you have as many problems as he has. Maybe you should try talking TO him instead of AT him .

[Gunny376]

You need to get yourself a piece of green freshly cut plank of 2X4 oak or hickory.

 

Put it in the over at approximately 450 degrees and cure it for a good six to eight hours until its good and dried out, and good and hard.

 

And then when he comes home from work, after a long and exhausting day? While he's sitting there reading the paper, walk up to him and whop him up side the head with it!

 

Just to get his attention. (That's how we train mules down South)

 

Even if you divorce the smuck, you're either going to end up alone or end up with another smuck!

 

My XHEX, divorced me to "change me" and I'm here to tell ya! I was one stubborn mule!

 

But after she walloped me "oops" upside the head with that hickory 2X4 called divorce ~ I went and got myself one hell of education, I'm here to tell ya!

 

And yea! I was a so-called workaholic!

 

I got my 'happy-@ss a busy reading and studying everything I could get my hands on about women, dating, mating, relationships, romance, seduction ~ you name it!

 

There wasn't anyway I ever wanted to go through what she put me through.

 

I got a clear, pretty picture in my head ~ we're talking about dreaming about turkeys for Thanksgiving.

 

Its not how women feel about us? Its about how we make them feel about themselves!

 

Loved, wanted, needed, cared for, protected, cherished, valued, appreciated, made to feel special!

 

You don't need to divorce him? You need to teach him how to love you! You need to educate him, and like my X ~ you may need to divorce him to do so.

 

The Marines break you down ~ to build you back up! Sounds as though you may need to do the same to find and obtain the husband & father you need and want?

 

When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow!

[Gunny376]

Important Life lesson!

 

You teach pepole how to treat you!

[Pradajunkie]

Junkie, You say that it's all his problem, then go on to say that you have denied him sex. I would say that you have as many problems as he has. Maybe you should try talking TO him instead of AT him .

 

actually Jack, I think it's a greater problem than just his, it's turned into family problem, His, mine and our children. I know I have my faults, but assuming I'm talking at him would be incorrect. Unfortunately whenever I've attempted to engage him in a conversation he usually zones out and doesn't listen or he starts manipulating what I've said and turning it around to take things out of context and argue those key points which typically have nothing to do with the issue at hand.

As for dening him sex, I have tried everything in my power to have sex with him, I have thought if I just do it I'll get into it, if I just try, what do you suggest Jack? Im so angry and so frusterated the minute he touches me I want to cry or I get nauseous. He has essentially denied me the love and respect I deserve, women need to feel loved, sexy,and appreciated to get passionate about sex. (for the most part)

So what is the solution?

[Pradajunkie]

Make sure you get a HUGE chunk of alimony for the rest of your life....you have a case in that you quit your career and further schooling for this man and his ideals of having the stay at home mom for a wife. Then we have child support as well.

 

If you divorce, it will not be easy for you to get into a career without the education he denied you because of the lifestyle he wanted.....DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT GETTING HIM HARD IN THE POCKETBOOK. NOT AS REVENGE, JUST FOR THAT YOU WILL NEED IT, AND YOU ARE ENTITLED TO IT.

He is NOT living up to his part of the bargain of being a good husband. Being a good husband is more than just being a provider financially. He is also not a good father to your kids.

GET A HELL OF A GOOD LAWYER AND MAKE SURE YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE TO LIVE A FULL, HAPPY LIFE. DON'T LET HIM SNOWBAG YOU INTO SOME CHINTZY DIVORCE SETTLEMENT WITH NO ALIMONY.

 

I'm pretty sure the state I live in caps spousal support, to a maximum of 5 years, now there may be legal loop holes around that, it's not something I've discussed with an attorney just yet. Today is the day I make an appointment for a consultation to discuss all these terms. I don't care to "put the screws to him" I will take a fair settlement.

I just want to get all the information together, present him his options. He either has to go to couseling, individual as well as marital, he has to cut back on his hours and spend time with the kids, and he absolutely has to make his family his #1 priority. Or choice B I will file and he can devote his life to his job. But not at the expense of my or the children's well being. I'm pretty sure if I go back into school, I am young enough to start a career. I've been researching all the information and it looks like if I buckle down I can be back in the field of my choice with in 3 years.

The way I see it, it will only be slightly harder than what I am dealing with now

[Pradajunkie]

You need to get yourself a piece of green freshly cut plank of 2X4 oak or hickory.

 

Put it in the over at approximately 450 degrees and cure it for a good six to eight hours until its good and dried out, and good and hard.

 

And then when he comes home from work, after a long and exhausting day? While he's sitting there reading the paper, walk up to him and whop him up side the head with it!

 

Just to get his attention. (That's how we train mules down South)

 

Even if you divorce the smuck, you're either going to end up alone or end up with another smuck!

 

My XHEX, divorced me to "change me" and I'm here to tell ya! I was one stubborn mule!

 

But after she walloped me "oops" upside the head with that hickory 2X4 called divorce ~ I went and got myself one hell of education, I'm here to tell ya!

 

And yea! I was a so-called workaholic!

 

I got my 'happy-@ss a busy reading and studying everything I could get my hands on about women, dating, mating, relationships, romance, seduction ~ you name it!

 

There wasn't anyway I ever wanted to go through what she put me through.

 

I got a clear, pretty picture in my head ~ we're talking about dreaming about turkeys for Thanksgiving.

 

Its not how women feel about us? Its about how we make them feel about themselves!

 

Loved, wanted, needed, cared for, protected, cherished, valued, appreciated, made to feel special!

 

You don't need to divorce him? You need to teach him how to love you! You need to educate him, and like my X ~ you may need to divorce him to do so.

 

The Marines break you down ~ to build you back up! Sounds as though you may need to do the same to find and obtain the husband & father you need and want?

 

When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow!

 

Thank you Gunny your post made me smile.... I guess I thought I did all that, but I felt like It was shoved down to the bottom of the paperwork stack. The procrastination of our relationship then took over, I'll deal with that tomorrow, because today this is more important, kind of thing. I'm just hoping that too much water hasn't traveled under that bridge, on both of our parts....