aleb28 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I'm 19 and just finishing my 1st year in college. I've never had a girlfriend and I've never had a girl like me. The most I've ever done with a girl is makeout (also the one time I've ever done it), and she only did it with me to make her boyfriend jealous. I'm feeling like there really is no point in me trying anymore. Every experience I've had with girls can be summed up in one of two ways; either she uses me for some alterior motive (make a boyfriend jealous, use me to get to my friends or brother) or she is either a friend or aquaintance who cuts me off after discovering that I like her. Now if I take the friends first approach, I get stuck in the friends zone and I couldn't possibly be viewed as a boyfriend. Now I'm not an idiot, I have helped so many people with relationships. My brother (who is in the same college as me) had a lot of trouble getting with his current girlfriend, and if it wasn't for what I told him to do and me talking to his girlfriend, they would have never been together. Similarly I have helped many friends to fix problems with their relationships. Girls talk to me all the time about their problems, and I'm always there for them, but that doesn't seem to count for anything. I feel as though nobody really sees me or appreciates me. What really gets me so angry is how these same girls will complain to me that there aren't any nice guys out there who they can rely on, no guy who would be there for them. I even once had a girl who I liked tell me that I was "that one guy that every girl wishes she would meet", (this same girl also ended up getting with my friend a short while after this conversation). I have seriously tried everything. I've tried for more than 50 girls over the course of the last 6 years. I have a positive and confident outlook when I go out and try to meet or hang out with people. I have tried being out there very social, i've tried not doing anything and just seeing what comes along, i've tried partying with friends, partying with random people, meeting friends of friends, but nothing ever works. I've had two girls agree to dates with me. The first called me the night before and said she couldn't go out with me, she never intended to go that far with me. The second girl went to dinner with me, only to become distant in the middle of the dinner and act strange the whole night, then call me after dinner and tell me that she didn't like me and that she wasn't interested and didn't intend for us to go out on a date (this was on valentine's day). I'm seriously thinking maybe there just isn't someone for me. Yes, both my older and younger brothers have had girlfriends, and all of my friends have as well, but maybe thats just not going to be the case for me. It may seem a little negative, but I'm thinking maybe its time that I just accept this and move on with my life.
39388 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 You have a lot of time! I just got my first date and I'm in my 30s and I'm not the only one around here who has taken that long. Much of my problem was a lack of confidence. I was also somewhat of a doormat and ended up getting burned for that. I've learned that it is ok to say no to people. Don't make the mistake of letting a bad experience discoruage you. Ask friends or on here for advice. Some of the advice may be good, but some may be bad. Some of the best advice for me was really tough to take to first. Keep doing things to improve yourself. Many say the happier you are alone, the easier it is to find someone. I would have to agree. Be ready to try new things, some of which my seem uncomfortable at first. Change is tough, but can be worth it in the long term.
somedude81 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 First thing I want to say is that I know exactly what you are going through. I'm 27 and the only "relationship" I had lasted two weeks. Besides her I've gone out with 5 or 6 girls for varying lengths of time but we were never a couple and I never kissed any of them. I have seriously tried everything. I've tried for more than 50 girls over the course of the last 6 years. I would really like to know how you act around these girls and how approach them and try to get them to date you. 50 is an unusually high number of "failures" and I want to see if I can help you figure out what you are doing wrong. Can you give some examples of the most recent girls?
Author aleb28 Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 Well, the last girl I had met in the beginning of the school year. We hung out for liek the first week through a program we were both involved in, but once it ended we sort of just parted ways. Then in january, I went to the movies with my brother, and while we were waiting an hour or so for the shuttle to pick us up, we found this girl and her friend also waiting. So we ended up waiting together, and this girl and i started catching up. When the shuttle finally came, all of the seats were taken except for three. I let the girls take the seats and my brother went off to the other side of the shuttle and told me to sit with them. So I sit with them and its maybe an hour until we get back to school. The whole time we are talking and joking around and she starts subtlely flirting with me. So as we get off the shuttle, I tell her it was good to see her and that we should hang out. She tells me to call her sometime. So then we part ways. A couple of days later I call her and we end up meeting for lunch. We ended up sitting near a table with some of my friends. So this girl and I continue talking and having a good time, and then she has to go to class, so she leaves and I head to work. My friends who were sitting nearby all told me it looked like she was into me (there were both guys and girls in this group as well). So anyway, we have lunch again another day, and then I eventually call her up and ask her if she wants to go out tomorrow night. She says yes, and so we go out, I pick her up and take her to a restaurant where we have dinner. While we're talking about places that we want to visit, she starts talking about how she wants to go to England to meet a blonde guy with blue eyes who has a british accent. Now I am none of those things, so this makes me feel wierd, but I shrug it off. We go through the rest of the night talking and enjoying each other's company, then on the way back to her dorm, I quickly run into my dorm to get her some chocolates i picked up for her for valentine's day. I come back out and walk her to her dorm and give her the chocolates and she says "oh thanks, see you later" and walks into her dorm. I left completely confused not knowing what happened. About half an hour later, she calls me and says that she was never interested in me in that way and she "never intended to let it get this far". I told her that I understood and I still wanted to be friends with her and everything. She said she agreed, but she ended up cutting me off and never speaking to me again. The girl before her was a friend of mine who I asked out in december. I made her a snowflake and folded it up and gave it to her. When she opened it up, the words "Do you want to go out with me sometime?" were written onthe snowflake. She said yes, and we set up a date and everything. We were fine, stil acting the same, friendly towards each other and everything, but then the night before the date, she calls me and says "I'm sorry, I can't do this tomorrrow. I don't really like you in that way. I don't want to be anything more than friends, and I didn't intend for any of this to happen". Whats wierd is that both girls used the same phrasing. But anyway those are two seperate examples, one with a friend and one with a classmate. Pretty much the only message that I am getting form any of this is that nobody really wants to date me. What I don't get is why they flirt with me, agree to go out with me and then do a 180.
endorphins Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 or you could quit worrying about this and have fun in other aspects of your life.. Socialising is the best pathway to other things.. There are plenty of sites online for local groups, you might wanna try them, but keep any expectations of dating at bay for now.
start-fresh Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I know it's frustrating when the date seems to go well and you get the friends line out of nowhere. Unfortunately, it seems like you have a lot of the classic symptoms of the "nice guy" going on, though. Sorry, but making a snowflake to ask a girl out seems kinda weak. Those cute gestures should be saved until you've got someone hooked, not as a way to initially ask a girl out. Same thing with the chocolates. That was too much too soon as well. Also, if you have romantic interest in these girls coming to you with their problems, be scarce. You don't have to be a jerk but be more aloof and tell them to go talk to their girlfriends about it. It makes them look at you differently. Part of the problem is you're dealing with "girls" not "women" yet at 19, so you'll find a lot of flakes. Also, some of the blame should go to these girls for accepting the dates in the first place if they never intended it to go that far. I told her that I understood and I still wanted to be friends with her and everything.Please don't ever do that again under those circumstances. You can't supplicate like that. She just rejected you. That doesn't mean you have to get all butt hurt when you're rejected, but just move on and don't settle for this faux friendship. 99% of the time offers of friendship in this situation are to alleviate someone's guilt. You saw what happened first hand. She stopped talking to you because she felt better you weren't mad at her. It's also an absolute guarantee you will never have a romantic relationship with the girl, if that's what you have hopes for. So, from what you've said, I think your problems are a combination of finding some immature, flakey girls and you needing to shift how you try to get these girls attracted to you.
OtherSide Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 You seem like your the doormat of those girls. Helping them out doesn't help your ultimate goal. I've been there before. It gets you friends, but then... you run into your second problem. Just keep pushing, some people just take longer to bloom! Good luck!
Author aleb28 Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 Amistad, thank you for your reply. That makes sense, and I'll try really pulling back on how I come off. Maybe if I can avoid coming off as a good friend from the start, I can increase my chances. You've been really helpful. Otherside, now that I've thought about it, perhaps my generosity has harmed me in this case. It doesn't help to give me a chance at all.
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