goodone2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I have a problem and hope someone can provide a useful point of view / advice: I have been with a woman for over a year now in a serious relationship. She definitely has many sources of stress in her life... her husband passed away 4 years ago (they married after college and were together for under two years).... raising a toddler by herself... illness in the family... limited mobility bc she can't drive right now = constant cabin fever.... has her grumpy dad living w/ her in her house where the relationship is very strained... etc. You get the picture. All that and some other things also put a strain on our relationship and she now said she just can't have a relationship at this point in her life. She would like to have me as a friend, and yes, that includes benefits (sex) and kissing and NOT dating anybody else, but she says she's just not ready to be as committed or as affectionate as she would like to be in a relationship (her having problems to be affectionate has been a bit of a problem in the past)... all that, along with the responsibilities and expectations that typically go with a committed relationship, would be too much pressure that she can't handle right now. She also can't say if we're going to be in a real relationship again some day or not. Now, I love her (which is why I didn't run away with all this stuff in her life... some of it came about as we were together) and I want to be with her, but I am not sure if I can live like this. I am not even sure if this is turning out to be a fwb thing or a very low maintenance relationship for the time being. So, I guess I have a bunch of options, some of which are.... (a) cutting it all off... (b) giving her the time she needs while being the friend she wants (needs?) and wait and see how this situation works out, 'without' talking about the strain this situation puts on me and instead just trying to have fun (maybe it will not work out in the end and I wasted all that time)... © talking to her about my feelings and that I want/need some more commitment and/or a comment that she would like to be in a relationship with me once she's in a better 'place' with herself (risking putting more stress and pressure on her by talking about it)..... What shall I do? Are there any other relevant options I missed? Are there any specific questions I could ask her that would help me REALLY understand whether this is likely just her needing some time to sort out her life and feelings, or a hopeless endeavor from my perspective? May it be that she just doesn't have any answers right now and asking is futile? Does it all come back to "girls just wanna have fun" and if we're going to have fun she will find that she wants a real, committed relationship with me (partners, friends, lovers, family)? Would it help if I'm a bit less accessible, but otherwise friendly (although I hate those games)? I hope I get some really smart advice from some intelligent women out there. (No, I am not being sarcastic) Thanks for your help!
oceangrl Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 All that and some other things also put a strain on our relationship and she now said she just can't have a relationship at this point in her life. Maybe your GF is different, but when I'm under a lot of pressure outside of the relationship, I usually turn to my BF for support. IMO, its not a good sign if shes distancing herself at this time. She also can't say if we're going to be in a real relationship again some day or not.She would like to have me as a friend, and yes, that includes benefits (sex) and kissing and NOT dating anybody else, but she says she's just not ready to be as committed or as affectionate as she would like to be in a relationship This usually means that the girl wants to keep the guy around but look around for other options. And if she stumbles upon another guy, she'll probably pull further away and not even want to do the fwb thing with you. I think the best two options are: 1. Find someone else who can better meet your needs....someone who shows more affection or.... 2. Tell her you want to take a break and that you might consider being with her again once she feels that she is in a better place in her life. Don't accept a drop in commitment from what you previously had - I think it would compromise too much of your personal standards.
Lizzie60 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I honestly think that this woman is NOT that into you... She likes you as a friend.. sex once in a while.. methink she doesn't want a committed relationship because: She's not in love with you. She wants to control the sex thing.. and wants to control when she'll see you or not. My advice: be more independant, less available.. and see where it goes... and if nothing changes.. simply move on..
TOWinNYC Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I suggest option A. If she really wants you in her life, she will realize it then. Good luck!
sotired Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Agree with the other responses. When everything in my life falls apart, I turn to my man for support...I don't push him away. She's not into you, but doesn't want to cut you out completely until she finds someone else.
Arienette Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Well, unlike what everyone else seems to think, I can definitely relate to wanting a less committed relationship when I'm under a lot of stress in other areas of my life. Sure, if I have a bad day, I turn to my boyfriend for comfort, but if I'm having a bad month (or year), I tend to want to really focus on the problems at hand without having to worry about pleasing my boyfriend on top of that. Maybe she just needs to get her life in order and planning her romantic future isn't on the top of her list right now. I don't think that necessarily means that she no longer has serious interest in you, especially if your new arrangement includes not seeing other people and still having sex. I think maybe she just needs the space to deal with her problems on her own, and she's not sure how long it will take.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I don't have anything to add to the other posters besides the fact that most of us just can't put our lives on hold for someone else. You definitely don't want to put your life on hold for her.
carhill Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I noted the OP mentioning disparate styles of affection and intimacy a number of times, even prior to the stressors currently in play. This forms the basis of my opinion of "move on". I've lived this in a marriage and it can be a pretty lonely place. Combine this disparity with reduced contact and, honestly, he might as well be single.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I think it's time to move on. Her life is too complicated for you. And what if, after you give her space to work out her issues, she decides she doesn't want ANYTHING? You will have wasted all that time waiting for nothing. I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for somebody to decide if they want me in their life. If she doesn't know after a year what she wants from you, she's never going to know, or she DOES know but is afraid to say it (meaning that she DOESN'T want anything). I vote for option A.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 She is keeping her options open, and keeping you around as a FWB to fill the time.
thegoodlife Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 It's not fair what she is doing to you. In times of stress there are couples that turn to each other, and there are couples that turn away from each other. She seems to be doing both, wanting to keep you around as an exclusive FWB but turning away from you as a loving, caring boyfriend. I think you really need to think about what it is you want, and what you feel you deserve. Go with option C.
Trialbyfire Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Yup, I agree with thegoodlife. She's not proposing working on the relationship so you have to decide what works best for you. Don't be led around on a string. If you need commitment, don't settle for someone who can't give it.
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