blue7 Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I thought I'd just offer a little suggestion to those out there that may be here searching for answers to their marital problems. And even to those who are happily married. (I'll do my best to keep it short, the help is in the suggestion not in my story) I am in the process of a seperation from my wife of 12 years. We have a beautiful home, 3 amazing (and I mean amazing) children, great extended family & friends, good jobs, etc etc. We've had a few issues, I am in no ways saying it was perfect. But it was really good. Over the last 2 or so years we'd fight on & off... some more heated then others but I thought the fight & arguements were all part of being married...It is good to argue your opinions & express your feelings. The issues were and are still fairly petty...and in my/our case turns out that those little issues became a tit for tat type situation. I believe one of the problems was that we never got back to the same place after the fights...but I get off in a different direction. About 2 months ago she blindsided me with the news that she wanted a seperation (with full intent to divorce) I was completely dumbfounded! Over the last few weeks I have lurked around the "divorce and seperation" section of this forum. HOW OH HOW I WISH I would have found it a few months earlier. SO MANY have gone through/are going through this same EXACT situation. SHOULDA WOULDA COULDA...I believe, had I found or someone made me read just a few of the post there...my life would have been completely different. Right now it is pure hell -real hell, sincerely. So if you and your spouse are having problems jump ahead and see where they turn up if you don"t take care of your issues now. If you and your spouse are doing ok, still take a look and see where some others are...you'll really appreciate your spouse even more. STOP a moment and put yourself in the mindset of some of these "singles" trying to gain their wife back (or husband) (find out about WAW, STBXW...I had no freakin' idea what this meant...wish I did 3 monhs ago) The only thing you'll lose is a few minutes of your time. Compare that to your relationship & ask yourself if your mariage is worth a few minutes. One final push- I had this conversation with someone earlier today suggesting the above, and how I wish someone would have shown me those post. Their answer was well-you know people only want to believe what they want to believe. Sacrifice a few minutes for your spouse, for yourSELF. Weed through the misc bs, and think about how it would be if you were in their shoes. MY SHOES. (give a bump if you agree to keep this post near the top)
NoIDidn't Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 take a closer look at what? Other people's posts?
Author blue7 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 yeah- jump ahead to the next forum (separation & divorce)...see where you are compared to them...
sadintexas Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 How is it that one person can think everything is just fine, and the other is on the verge of separation or divorce? Seems to me like someone isn't paying attention to the signs and unhappiness of his/her partner. I'm not saying the signs will smack you in the face, but when you know someone intimately enough to be married to him/her, you know deep down when things are right and when they aren't. It shouldn't take seeing someone else at the verge of divorce to make someone pay attention. This is something we should do for our spouses all the time. Not once the spouse is thinking it's too late. Because often then it is. It's called denial, or perhaps being self absorbed...I don't know. Marriages don't fall apart overnight, so likely you finding those posts three months ago might not have made the difference you think. You think you needed that as a wake up call. I think I disagree with that thinking in general. Married people need to be in tune with the mood, feelings, and needs of the other partner. Doesn't mean that's all it takes, and I know there are unreasonable people out there that can't be pleased, and those that cheat for whatever reasons (not going to get into that debate again), but overall, you don't just wake up and want a separation/divorce one day.
carhill Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Sometimes, when one has walked on a doormat for so long, it is no longer is felt underfoot
stuckinoz Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 I don't think marriages fall apart overnight either...BUT I think that if one person (wife) tries to discuss unhappiness, concern, etc with the other person (husband) & said husband does not choose to take heed to what she is saying........And THEN the marriage falls apart.....Who is to blame? blue...I think that we all "see it coming" - Your GUT tells you more than you probably care to admit. It's just how much of it will you choose to pay attention to. Who would come to LS & look at "Separation/Infidelity, etc" sites if their life is Peachy Keen? Dunno - I didn't find this forum until things became pretty bad.
imagine Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Blue, Read the article in the Marriagebuilders site -Wh a woman leaves a man. I think that this will explain why so MANY men get blindsided by the event...
kakui215 Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 From early on, my wife always acted as if the real problem was me trying to talk to her about problems. I realize now that discussing problems, major or minor, is just one of the many forms intimacy takes, and that my wife has the not uncommon problem of resisting all sorts of intimacy. But whatever the reason, if we cannot address our differences, they will fester. My wife and I have been married over 15 years. Through the years, starting early on, I would try to discuss certain things with her (e.g., lack of affection, sex drive) and she would resist. I reacted badly. I felt pushed away, and even though we were having kids, I often reacted by staying away as much as possible. That caused her to resent me, since I was not doing enough at home, but since she avoids speaking about anything unpleasant, she never said anything as the years passed and the resentment built. We got into a destructive cycle where I would try to wake myself up and be a better father and husband, I would hope for something from her, it wouldn't come, I'd try to speak to her about it, she would resist and get angry, I would retreat and stay away, she would resent me more, I'd come back and try to change, . . . and on and on and one . . . . I was stupid. I've spent the past 3 years on track, working at myself and fighting to not let myself retreat, to keep up my efforts to be a good father and husband no matter what, because that's what I should have done all along. For over 3 years, she has variously made promises and put in effort and gone back to resisting any efforts to discuss issues and build trust, intimacy & love. In the midst of that, I discovered that she had established an emotional relationship with another man, and that they were making plans to become physical . . . . There's more to the story . . . a lot more . . . we have 4 kids, for example, and she's from a different country and culture . . . . (I keep thinking I should start my own thread about our long, complicated saga . . . and I might yet.) But my point here was to reinforce what the OP said: Deal with these sorts of things NOW! The longer you put it off, the harder it will be! Do not let one partner avoid addressing your problems -- and don't retreat! Here's what I wrote earlier about that in response to another post ("My husband limits us making love..."): *** BEGIN QUOTE *** You need to tell him clearly that this is an important topic FOR YOU to address, and that that must be reason enough FOR HIM to consider it important as well. If one partner thinks there is a problem in a relationship, then there is a problem -- and the existence of that problem doesn't depend on the other partner thinking there should not be a problem. It's there, and both of you need to deal with it -- not just you, but BOTH of you -- HIM TOO! Be clear that if he refuses to address the issue, if he doesn't even try to examine the cause (or causes) of this problem is, if he doesn't work with you to remedy it, he is putting your marriage in danger. You have needs. He has needs. Neither of you can ignore the other's just because they don't seem important to you personally. *** END QUOTE *** If you think a problem is important, address it now! Don't ignore it! It's too damn important!
Author blue7 Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 KAKUI- You really hit the nail on the head and spoke to the point I was trying to make. In fact your second paragraph is like a page out of my own book. I need to think on a lot and read your post several times, but in my case we could never figure out the problem. Which I guess really leads to communication methods. It was hard for us to define our issues, and therefore even harder to work on a solution. My gut told me the truth a long time ago, and the slap in the face/blindsided statement I refer to is not singlely that fact that she left as much as it is -we were not ment to be together and we are better apart. That blindsided feeling I had (still have it, and working on it) hurt so bad because I was working to (what I thought) the best of my ability. I think now I was working on the symptoms, rather then the problem. So with that in mind, you're right (stuckinoz & sadintxs) I did see it coming. I just thought somehow (and maybe from symptom fixing, rather then problem solving) I could outrun the situation until it was fixed. You know this is my head talking here...my heart tells me different things. I still somewhat believe my original intentions for one to look ahead and foreshadow would be helpful.My OP was more heart felt...and I think time, counseling, & good friends will help my heart catch up with my head ...and the sooner the better. Imagine-i'll have the ck out that site...thanks for the post all of you. Blue
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