alli02 Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 i am having some problems trusting my bf and i dont think i really have any reason to not trust him. i feel like im going crazy and i need some advice. i dated my ex 4 1/2 years and i got pregnant but had a miscarriage and he was not there for me emontionally at all. i found out that he was cheating on me. this has been almost 5 years ago. now i am with my new bf and it is the first man that i have actually fallen in love with since my ex. he is great we talk about marriage and having a family and i love him so much. i found out i was pregnant almost 2 months ago then we even found out it was twins and we could not be happier we really wanted to start our family together. i ended up having a miscarriage a little over a week ago. now i am having problems trusting him. i am so scared that he is gonna do what my ex did. i really have no reason not to trust him but i am so afraid of losing him that i make things up in my own mind about things he could be doing when he isnt around me. i have told him about my worries and he tells me that he loves me and only me and i have nothing to worry about but i keep doing it and he is getting really upset with me about it. i really dont know what to do and i know i am being stupid about all of this but cant help it. i get so upset about it all the time. any advice would be great!
mehxx Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 i ended up having a miscarriage a little over a week ago. now i am having problems trusting him. i am so scared that he is gonna do what my ex did. there the whole physiology behind it i believe ur worried that he is goin to do wat ur ex did. bcos u have experience this before. It naturally for people to become curious of this i guess. how ever this guy hasnt left you yet has he? u sounded like ur ex left u in a heart beat. Belevie ur bf and trust him he if was goin to leave u he would off by now. he sound decent not every1 the same
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 If you keep up what you're doing, you're going to push him away and prove yourself "right," when that wasn't even what he was going to do in the first place. You have to STOP. When you get these inclinations to control him, open up a blank page and write everything you want to say to him - every fear, every upset, every suspicion. OR, alternatively, call a friend or female family member. Nobody can understand female hormones like another female. I've had a miscarriage and can understand the feelings that come with it. But you can't make your current BF pay for your ex's mistakes - that's not fair. Find some other outlet for your fears. Surely he's frustrated because you've presented a problem to him that he can't easily fix. The harder you push, the sooner you will lose him. Just love him - thank him for being there...and start writing a journal to deal with your feelings.
Author alli02 Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 i know i need to stop but i dont know how. the journal thing actually sounds like a good idea...or at least something that is worth a shot. im just having a problem getting myself to shut up and not say anything....i need to learn to walk away somehow. i really dont want to lose him i love him way to much for that he treats me very well. this is all my own deal that i am having problems with just dont know how to control it.
Author alli02 Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 anyone else have any ideas??? this is a major problem for me and willing to try anythnig.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Your reaction is perfectly understandable. I think the best thing you can do right now is ask your bf to be patient and understanding with you. Reassure him that you trust him completely, but explain that you need a little support right now because of the painful situation you went through before. Communicate CALMLY, openly, and honestly. ASK him for reassurance. A miscarriage is difficult and emotional on its own, but your past experience during such a difficult time only compounds that. I can't imagine that someone who really loves you wouldn't be willing to meet such a reasonable emotional need. Be specific in communicating what he can do to be there for you. Do you need him to say I love you a little more often? Reassure you that he cares and will stick by you through this? Reassure you that he is honest and faithful? Define what you need clearly, ask him to do it, and request that he "keep it coming" -- that is, remind you daily (or at whatever frequency you need), until you get through this tough time. Every time he steps up and meets your emotional need, let him know it means a lot to you and you really appreciate the effort he is making. Most men (people!) love to have their efforts acknowledged and appreciated. If he's a good guy, he'll be happy to step up, and this exercise in communication and support will only strengthen your relationship.
MeMyself&I Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 You are allowing your past to form your future. We do this in so many ways but yours is already appearing to show destruction on current relationship. I don't know if you are open to counseling but I think you need to deal with your emotional issues to cope with the loss of your two pregnancies and then the emotional abuse your first boyfriend put you through when he abandoned you. You need someone to talk to who is not emotionally involved with your situation and can look at it objectively and guide you through the steps to heal. I know some people scoff at counseling and that's their prerogative but if you would really do anything to save your current relationship and alli02 you need to save you too. Have you dealt with all this hurt? I can relate too. My daughter died at birth 5 years ago and it still hurts. Lots of counseling later (and probably could use more) I'm still healing. On top of the loss you were betrayed by the one person who should have went through it with you. I'm here for you and will be thinking of you!! I'm soooo sorry about your loss.
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