How do you deal with a rude SO?

[mr.dream merchant]

When they sometimes treat you with disrespect? How do you address it?

 

I was at the gym and my GF called my phone six times. I leave my phone in my car because I don't like carrying alot of stuff with me in the gym due to alot of theft that takes place there. So I try and carry as little as possible. I get back to my car and I call her. She automatically just goes on the offensive:

 

"WHERE WERE YOU?! I CALLED YOU SIX TIMES?! yadda yadda yadda.." I reply I know I saw "OH SO YOU HAD YOUR PHONE ON YOU AND YOU DIDN'T REPLY?!" ugh, so I explained to her that I left my phone in the car and the reasons why.

 

I then proceed to tell her that I'm going to be going to my homeboy's crib and that I'll call her when I'm on my way back home. All I get for a reply is a *click*. She hung up on me.

 

This kind of disrespect to me is like a statement being made, that not only does she not respect me as her BF, but as a person. It really pisses me the **** off but I tend to keep my cool about it. I know that she HATES being hung up on.

 

I've already addressed her about how she needs to work on her rude behavior, her tone of voice, just her overall level of disrespect and all she has to say is that "its who she is" but I've never witnessed her being so rude to other people like family and friends, just me.

 

Its getting to the point where I just want to toss her ass to the side and move on with my life.

 

How can I bring up the issue for the millionth time and let her know that she needs to ****ing respect me or get the **** on? Or maybe I shouldn't say ****? Just go NC for a couple of days and hope that she learns a lesson?

 

Just looking for some insight.

[Juniper22]

I'm assuming you have never done anything to her before to cause her act this disrespectfully to you....as far as her wondering where you are and what you're doing, etc. If NOT, and there is no real reason for her acting this way...then perhaps you need to re-evaluate why it is you are with someone who chooses to act like this.

[Lizzie60]

dump her.. if you don't want to continue being abused ..

[Sibyl Vane]

If this girl was me, I'd say it is because she's not in love with you anymore. She seems very easily irritated by only you, that usually happens with me when I'm ready to leave.

[Dumbledore]

Do you own a whip?

[TaraMaiden]

Something I discovered about a freind of mine who treated her husband very disrespectfully, was that her father was very domineering and authoritative towards her mother. She was determined to never let a man use her in this manner, so she actually, unconsciously made sure it was she who had the dominant temperament. the result was, of course, that she had created the same relationship as her parents, but in reverse.

 

Look to her upbringing.

How was she conditioned to behave in this way?

 

If you have told her so many times that you do not wish to be treated in this way, yet you persist in remaining with her, then what you are doing is effectively giving her tacit permission to continue to treat you this way, because regardless of how much you complain, evidently you do not mind it so much because you accept it.....

 

Hanging up the 'phone on somebody is controlling behaviour. it ensures she has the last word, but in an unfair way. She deprives you physically of the opportunity to respond.

 

I think she is in need of psychological help, because it sounds to me as if this is a far deeper more ingrained problem than her just being angry you did not reply.

The question is - are you prepared to confront this issue and bring it to a head, or would you just prefer to call it a day?

[mr.dream merchant]

Something I discovered about a freind of mine who treated her husband very disrespectfully, was that her father was very domineering and authoritative towards her mother. She was determined to never let a man use her in this manner, so she actually, unconsciously made sure it was she who had the dominant temperament. the result was, of course, that she had created the same relationship as her parents, but in reverse.

 

Look to her upbringing.

How was she conditioned to behave in this way?

 

If you have told her so many times that you do not wish to be treated in this way, yet you persist in remaining with her, then what you are doing is effectively giving her tacit permission to continue to treat you this way, because regardless of how much you complain, evidently you do not mind it so much because you accept it.....

 

Hanging up the 'phone on somebody is controlling behaviour. it ensures she has the last word, but in an unfair way. She deprives you physically of the opportunity to respond.

 

I think she is in need of psychological help, because it sounds to me as if this is a far deeper more ingrained problem than her just being angry you did not reply.

The question is - are you prepared to confront this issue and bring it to a head, or would you just prefer to call it a day?

 

I really want to confront but I don't want to sound like a broken record because we've had this discussion before. She treats me with disrespect alot. Not to the point where I'm her doormat, but she just talks to me with this tone of voice, like I'm some bastard kid or something. Her mother seems to be the more aggressive parent her father is very easy going, I'm an easy going guy to. But what I'm not is a doormat, when she's disrespectful, I confront her about it. But rather than it turning into an argument or a repeat of what I've said already, I want to break the ice.

[TaraMaiden]

Then she is following in her mother's footsteps.

"This is how you treat men - like this! Do it to them, before they can do it to you!"

 

You either have to try to consider a way to tackle this porblem in a new way, so that you do not sound like a broken record - or you have to advise her it is over.

The problem seems to be that whatever you say to her, she is not willing to cchnage at all.

Why?

First of all, it would be a weakness to change.Changing acknowledges there is something wrong.

Secondly - you are exactly like her father. Quiet, compliant and easy-going.

In her eyes, you are weak and submissive.

Why should she change when you do exactly what she wants?

Sure, you complain, but you are still there, no?

 

I hate to say this, but it's a very deeply ingrained problem.

if she has refused to see it up until now, it is highly unlikely she ever will.

Particularly if her mother has survived so well on it...

 

You must therefore ask yourself.

Door mat for the rest of my life, or best to get out now while I am still able to do so?

 

You say you are not a door mat.

I think the saying goes...."If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck....."

 

Saying you're not, does not make it so.

You must put your words into actions, my friend.

 

With much metta.

 

 

_/l\_

[Trialbyfire]

If someone is being rude to you, you discuss it with them. If you've done this time and again, and she refuses to treat you courteously, you once again have two choices:

1. Shut it down.
   
2. Continue on with the relationship and keep taking it until you commit murder.
   

[mr.dream merchant]

I want to talk to her about it but all she does when I try and have a constructive, serious talk about our issues is turn around and start faulting me like "well you do it to! you did it before! i can say the same about you!" It doesn't get anywhere.

[TaraMaiden]

Ah. And there you have it. Distancing herself from the problem, and refusing to accept responsibility.

It is as I said, is it not?

 

I think then, you have your answer.

Plese forgive my bluntness, but either you terminate this now (there is only so much a person can stand or - you really do stay and be her doormat.

I think those are your only choices, in the end.

[Juniper22]

People will treat you, however you allow them to treat you. Hopefully you can break this cycle, good luck!

[2sure]

Familiarity breeds contempt.

 

Its a cliché , I know, but its often right on the mark.

Some normally polite and correctly brought up people fall into being rude, discourteous, and disrespectful to the people closest to them.

nicer to strangers than those they love.

 

They are used to it. Its probable that her family treats each other this way. So, she doesn't see anything wrong with being demanding, bi**chy, "speaking her mind". In fact, she feels entitled.

 

If she is a drama queen - it is probably hopeless because they thrive on imagined slights and constantly feel the need to defend their position.

 

However, if you don't want to give up quite yet...I can only tell you what my H tells his brother, who gravitates towards this type: GOTTA HAVE A STRONG PIMP HAND. LOL. I know.

 

But its true. You have to demand and demonstrate to her that her behavior is unattractive and unacceptable to you.

[loser101]

I read your other posts about her as well before and to be honest I would be so sick of her by now, I would just kick her to the curb. It's not even about respect, why would you want some loud, annoying, impatient, petulant, insolent person in your life? Unless you like drama of course. People like her take up way too much energy and frankly they are a bore

[mr.dream merchant]

I talked to her about it. When I was telling her that I don't appreciate when she's rude to me she automatically tries to duck owning up to her faults and says "But you do it to me! You did it this one time!" And while, yes, I was with her, I always admit to it and apologize and try to work on it. I told her this. I said that the discussion wasn't even about my faults, it was about how I don't like how she's treating me, and that I want her to work on how she talks, treats me from time to time. Again, its like she has no knowledge of owning up to her faults, all she kept saying was "But how can you say that when you do it to me? How can you tell me such and such when you did such and such?" I took a really big sigh and I told her to let me talk. I told her that as much as she'd love to bring up the past it isn't going to help us move forward from her issue. I told her she really needs to work on how she treats me and also owning up to her faults. She didn't say anything, she was just silent. I say "ok?" for confirmation and she said "ok." I told her that its gotten to the point where it makes me sick when she acts like that, because I feel like I'm dating an 8 year old. I told her that we can't ever have a godamn constructive conversation about our relationship issues because all she does is blameshift and jump around owning up to her behavior. I said that its tiresome, I hate it, and I'm getting turned off by it, and that she needs to work on it, so that we can actually have these important talks. I said that everytime we do she tries to turn in into a blamefest, and that it doesn't get us anywhere and its ridiculous. She didn't say anything to protest what I said, all she said was "ok" at the end with an understanding tone of voice. I then told her that I was going to study, and ended the conversation.

 

I really hope she pays heed to this ****. Its so aggrevating when all she does is dodge responsibility for her actions. I always take full responsibility for my faults and mistreatments. I always do. She never does. And I told her yesterday that that's ****ing it. I've had it up to here and I got it oozing out of my ****ing ass, and I'm so over it, so do something to fix your issues or kiss my caramel ass good bye. She chose the former, hopefully she sticks with her decision.

[Juniper22]

"because I always feel like I'm dating a 8 year old."

 

I have always heard, and read, that anytime a person feels they are kind of in like..a parent/child type of relationship(s), those are never good! It's best to cut those kinds of relationships loose. Its not very productive for anyone involved.

 

You left it up to her to make that decision?...I hope she sticks to it too...but I bet she doesn't...its gonna have to end up being YOU to make the decision.

[TaraMaiden]

The proof of the pudding will be in the eating. You will have to see if her actions will follow her words.

If not, then you know what you will have to do.

It seems that you have come to this board with this problem already, many times.

So you get it off your chest here, but the fact is you will have to suit your actions to your words too.

 

Can you do this?

[GorillaTheater]

I hope so too, but I'd be lying if I said that I'd be willing to put up with this relationship. It's 100% your call, but this (based on all of your various threads) just doesn't seem to be doing you any good except maybe as your own personal school of hard knocks. Do you really need this grief?

[mr.dream merchant]

Yeah you're right, but it switches. I only feel like that when she's acting up because she handles it in such an immature way.

[Juniper22]

Yeah you're right, but it switches. I only feel like that when she's acting up because she handles it in such an immature way.

 

 

Well does her "acting up" outweigh that of her NOT acting up?

 

Her moods are shifty it seems...you don't need this do you? I mean, most people hang onto things if they are getting something from it...if you're getting nothing but mainly grief and frustrations...surely you know you're worth more than that.

[Chinook]

I'm gonna go against the grain here...

 

Perhaps if you had simply sent a little text message before you went to the gym it might have headed all this off at the pass huh...?! But godforbid a woman should ask a guy to pay her some consideration BEFORE having to ask, scream or shout about it! It would have prevented all this if you had simply sent her a little sms saying 'hey honey, I'm thinking about you, I'm just gonna be away from the phone for a bit because I'm in the gym but I'll give you a call later x' Would that be too much to ask..? No. It wouldn't. But the common response from men is 'why should I..? It's her problem if she can't deal with me doing my own stuff'.

 

The problem is she probably can deal with you doing your own stuff... what she wants is a little forethought and consideration. The avoidance of her being able to contact you - that's what led to her being so angry and being unreasonable. Personally, I take my phone into the gym with me and pretty much most of the guys I know at my gym would take their phone in with them. So you left yours behind in the car because you didn't want to carry too much... which also had the happy side effect of her not being able to call or contact you. Should you be available to her 24/7...? No not really. But then if you paid her some consideration whilst you weren't available, I suspect that she wouldn't be too bothered by what you're doing.

 

This is a reassurance issue for her. She's acting out because you're contributing to it in a passive-aggressive way. If this is a common feature of your relationship with her, you guys need to look at what you're both doing to keep the vicious cycle going. Some people bring out the worst in each other and simply shouldn't be together - that may be your case here. It does not mean she is disrespectful, it means she simply doesn't gel with your way of being and you don't gel with hers. Personally, I'd quit if it was this hard.

[mr.dream merchant]

She knows I'm at the gym when I go and I tell her before I leave for the gym that I'll give her a call when I'm on my way home.

[TaraMaiden]

Well does her "acting up" outweigh that of her NOT acting up?

 

Her moods are shifty it seems...you don't need this do you? I mean, most people hang onto things if they are getting something from it...if you're getting nothing but mainly grief and frustrations....

 

But the fact is, he is getting something from it.There is something in psychology called the payoff.... no matter how unpleasant the situation, no matter how much it goes against us, we benefit from something in the relationship that prevents us from leaving, until it simply becomes a recurring cyclical habit that is very hard to break.

There is part of this dynamic that mr. dream mearchant is profitting from.

It may be outwardly unpleasant, but it is rewarding a need in him.

It may be healthy, it may be unhealthy. Whichever it is, he is drinking it up.

The main crux of the matter is to seek this desire, this need, and see whrther the nourishment is healthy.

Given that mr dream merchant is constantly under attack in matters like this, and that his girlfriend is behaving to a pattern, I perceive personally, that it is not healthy....

 

But this is just my perception, and I think everyone has to conclude things for themselves.

 

_/l\_

[Juniper22]

But the fact is, he is getting something from it.There is something in psychology called the payoff.... no matter how unpleasant the situation, no matter how much it goes against us, we benefit from something in the relationship that prevents us from leaving, until it simply becomes a recurring cyclical habit that is very hard to break.

There is part of this dynamic that mr. dream mearchant is profitting from.

It may be outwardly unpleasant, but it is rewarding a need in him.

It may be healthy, it may be unhealthy. Whichever it is, he is drinking it up.

The main crux of the matter is to seek this desire, this need, and see whrther the nourishment is healthy.

Given that mr dream merchant is constantly under attack in matters like this, and that his girlfriend is behaving to a pattern, I perceive personally, that it is not healthy....

 

But this is just my perception, and I think everyone has to conclude things for themselves.

 

_/l\_

 

 

Yes, I know he is getting something from it..and I know what you mean by a "payoff" that's why I said what I said about people usually staying in these kinds of situations...I figure he is, especially since so many people have said before that this kind of thing isn't the first time he has made posts regarding this issue.

 

Perhaps there is truth to him getting frustrated with the issue, however maybe he also feels some kind of ego trip or thinks she truly cares if she is always wanting to know his whereabouts etc....maybe that outweighs the frustration part.

[Chinook]

She knows I'm at the gym when I go and I tell her before I leave for the gym that I'll give her a call when I'm on my way home.

That case, she has no excuse and sounds like a raving lunatic. I'd be off running if she was like that with me despite me making an effort to show her consideration.