Isolde Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Let me explain. It's NOT that I'm scared of guys, in fact I do a great job of appearing quite confident (though I still get visibly flustered at times!) It's more that I just don't have that much experience dealing with guys... in general. Growing up, I had very limited interaction with boys until high school. Even then I only had a couple of casual guy friends. In college, I only hung out with guys very casually--in groups sometimes or a date here and there but really very little. (No, I'm not a virgin.) Anyway, I recently realized that I've never actually spent a full day, one on one, with a not-related-to-me guy. My main obstacle, at this moment in time, isn't "getting a date." I know I can do that when I find someone where there's some mutual interest. Rather, I want to feel more comfortable around boys, to the point where getting to know them as people doesn't seem so impossible. I still feel like a bemused sixth-grader in many ways, you know. Guys seem almost like a separate species, at times, and moreso if I have even a little romantic interest towards them. However, there's a barrier. In the past when I asked someone for coffee (unsure whether we should be friends or more, but just being friendly you know), they often construed it as romantic interest and backed away, totally overanalyzing my every action. This only increased my trepidation. In many ways, I feel like a guy. In that I tend to pursue conversations with guys when I'm already somewhat romantically interested. The guys I end up being friends with, usually they pursue interaction with me first. Wow, I'm pretty creepy. I'll just be making eye contact with some random cute guy, hoping he'll start talking to me, but it never happens.
carhill Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 IMO, just keep doing what you do. Celebrate the differences between men and women and enjoy the "boys" for who they are, not the expectations you're piling on yourself and them. In a word, relax FWIW, I was as "bad" or worse when I was your age around young ladies. Age and experience has a way of leveling things out...
Author Isolde Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Celebrate the differences between men and women Believe me, I have no trouble doing that
rsobrien Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Wow, I'm pretty creepy. I'll just be making eye contact with some random cute guy, hoping he'll start talking to me, but it never happens. This is what I have figured out so far with flirting, meeting people, dating, aside from improving yourself, getting in shape, dressing nice, feeling confident, blah blah blah...it is all about percentages. Talk to, flirt with, hit on, as many guys as possible. I am not saying to sleep with every single one but have a friendly conversation with many and bat your eye lashes and let them know you aren't busy this weekend. If they just want to be friends, stay friends or ditch em and grab another one.
LovieDove24 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 This sounds alot like the thread I started in the Friends forum. I understand completely what you're saying. And its clarified in my head what it is I'm missing now too...I also would like to spend a full day, one on one with a non-related to me guy who also is NOT someone I'm dating.
refurb Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 The answer is, just do it! Yeah, a lot of guys will think you're hitting on them if you initiate conversations, but that comes with the territory and you'll just have to deal with it as it comes. The best thing you can do is get to know a bunch of guys on a somewhat personal level. You'll quickly realize there are no rules when it comes to guys, they're just as variable as women. You might meet a guy and assume (because of his appearance/mannerisms) that he fits in category X, when in fact he's more of a Y-type person. It makes meeting people fun because you never really know what they're like until you spend a lot of time with them. You often get pleasantly surprised. It's something I've learned as I got older. RF
Author Isolde Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 I mean, I want an R, but I also want to generally feel more comfortable hanging out with guys--ie, getting to know them on a personal level, yeah. So it's two separate things, but not completely unrelated.
TOWinNYC Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Isolde, You know, guys are people too. You can talk to them like they're your female friends. When you first become friends with another girl, it either clicks or it doesn't, right? And you decide whether to pursue the friendship or not, right? Same thing with the guys & a relationship.
MissConduct Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I think you need to make more guy friends. You need to learn to relate to them without pressure of romance, when you learn to do that you will feel much more at ease with guys that you are romantically interested in.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I think it's generally easy to talk to guys without pressure, if and only if I'm not physically attracted to them. Maybe we're the part of the percentage tht see every guy as relationship material? But we learn to interact with them more, get into similar things, it isn't difficult to be on friendly terms with the opposite sex. We just have to be less inhibited about making ourselves look like fools around them.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Do I intimidate you? DO I??!!! Yes, your avatar sort of do.
Dumbledore Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Do I intimidate you? DO I??!!! I've never used a giant dildo with fins. Who knows what I could be missing?!
patty2 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Let me explain. It's NOT that I'm scared of guys, in fact I do a great job of appearing quite confident (though I still get visibly flustered at times!) It's more that I just don't have that much experience dealing with guys... in general. Growing up, I had very limited interaction with boys until high school. Even then I only had a couple of casual guy friends. In college, I only hung out with guys very casually--in groups sometimes or a date here and there but really very little. (No, I'm not a virgin.) Anyway, I recently realized that I've never actually spent a full day, one on one, with a not-related-to-me guy. My main obstacle, at this moment in time, isn't "getting a date." I know I can do that when I find someone where there's some mutual interest. Rather, I want to feel more comfortable around boys, to the point where getting to know them as people doesn't seem so impossible. I still feel like a bemused sixth-grader in many ways, you know. Guys seem almost like a separate species, at times, and moreso if I have even a little romantic interest towards them. However, there's a barrier. In the past when I asked someone for coffee (unsure whether we should be friends or more, but just being friendly you know), they often construed it as romantic interest and backed away, totally overanalyzing my every action. This only increased my trepidation. In many ways, I feel like a guy. In that I tend to pursue conversations with guys when I'm already somewhat romantically interested. The guys I end up being friends with, usually they pursue interaction with me first. Wow, I'm pretty creepy. I'll just be making eye contact with some random cute guy, hoping he'll start talking to me, but it never happens. I've sorta got the same thing going on. But mine is so bad that I have issues talking to girls that I already know have HUGE crushes on me. Now how weird is that?
Author Isolde Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 I've never experienced a truly requited crush, but when I know a guy likes me as a person, I loosen up a lot.
Dumbledore Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I've never experienced a truly requited crush, but when I know a guy likes me as a person, I loosen up a lot. You mean you get wet?
Land Shark Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I've never experienced a truly requited crush, but when I know a guy likes me as a person, I loosen up a lot. I like you as a person. How are you feeling now?
Dumbledore Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I like you as a person. I prefer you as a shark, but either way will do.
monkey00 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Some of my guy friends who have little or no dating experience are the same way with women. They don't interact and get to know them on a social basis which makes it all the harder for them when they do meet someone they like or have a crush on. How are you socially as a person? Maybe you just need to build up that aspect of your confidence.
Citizen Erased Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I like you as a person. How are you feeling now? :mad:
Author Isolde Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 Socially, I'm the type of person that easily handles small talk (so long as it's not someone I have a crush on!), but doesn't make close friends, or even fairly close friends, very easily at all.
monkey00 Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Socially, I'm the type of person that easily handles small talk (so long as it's not someone I have a crush on!), but doesn't make close friends, or even fairly close friends, very easily at all. That's difficult.
Sam Spade Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Don't change anything . There is nothing cuter than somewhat reserved girl 1950s style . Also, a lot of the change you ask for will happen naturally with age, just don't overdo it. Finally, the idea that men and women *are* different species is under-apreciated, as dad (Carhill), also mentioned. (I'm finally at a place when I can relate to women as people first and women second, but somehow I'm not convinced that it is such a good idea .) PS Get a bucket of ice cream and watch "Grease" :)
Curious-One Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I am the same way... all my friends are guys and once i rule out the possibility of a relationship w a girl i dont bother to be her friend. Main reason for this is that i havent really found many girls that i would enjoy hanging out with. I like watching/playing sports, playing vid games, traveling, sight seeing etc. Pretty much anything that involves action...most girls i know perfer going to movies, going to coffee places, talking, shopping, talking on the phone and well... drama. You can see where my interests clash...i am more of a guy that likes to do fun things and stay active and most girls like walking around and talking about useless stuff. -Her last bf -her friend thats annoying but she still spends few hours with her all the time -the guy that always hits on her -what happend at her work blah blah boring I would much rather go play a some basketball, paintball, vid games... heck even sleep rather than listen to girls complain. I guess this reply turned into a rent so /rent over
spookie Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Make some guy friends. But I guess that's kind of the issue. It's not that easy.... I think the trick to making male friendships is having food on hand to bribe them out with, and then an activity planned for them to do. In my experience, guys prefer doing things over talking, and bonds and even friendships are formed over shared expereince as opposed to knowing a whole bunch about each other. In that sense, they're easier to befriend than girls. I know what you mean about wanting experience. Lately I've noticed that I have no experience actually dating. I would probably be a terrible dinner date, in the rare event that some guy I actually liked asked me out. My solution is to start practicing - going to dinner with friends, so that I understand the flows of conversation better, and in a stressful situation do not end up reaching for the bottle. Pick someone to practice on. Surely you know a couple of guys that seem friendly. Think of an activity they might enjoy (off the top of my head: rock-climbing, frisbee golf, video games) and invite them to do it. Before you know, you'll be friends, and the whole gender will seem far less intimidating then.
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