I finally ended it!!

[sugarmomma]

I ended the 3 month affair with the guy who is living with the mother of his kids. We had a great time that day and something hit me that I needed to end it that day. It has been exactly 11 days and I miss him a lot. We said that we were in love with each other and when we were together we had such a connection. It was something about that day that said "if he really loves you, he needs to work on his relationship and figure things out-without me being in the picture". Well I told him to go and honestly try to work things out with her and get back to me. Well needless to say he was very very very hurt and disappointed and didn't respond to my happy easter text that I sent. I sent him a text today just letting him know that I think of him everyday.

 

I have no intention of being with him again while he is in his situation but I also don't want him out of my life completely whereas if something happens in his life he can't share it with me and vice versa. I am not saying I want us to be close friends but at least checkin every now and then to say hello.

 

Also I may have reached out to him because my stbxh got on my nerve really bad yesterday and I got a chance to let out a lot of anger I hadn't expressed to him during the 18 month separation.

 

I knoe that this is part of the process and I just wanted him to know that I"m thinking of him. I miss him so much but what we were doing was wrong and I deserve to have a whole relationship and I will not settle for less.

[White Flower]

Good for you sugar. I'm glad you're sticking to taking care of you. Best of luck.

[TaraMaiden]

I would venture to suggest thst if you are trying to keep in touch with him, then no.

You have not 'finally ended it!!"

 

Far from it, in fact.

I think you are still endeavouring to maintain a connection for your convenience, because you don't want to end it.

Would it not be more constructive and defining if you were to say to him:

"please call me when it's finally over between you and and the mother of your children." - ?

And then cease all contact?

How is he supposed to make a serious move if you continue to play with his emotions?

[sugarmomma]

Tara,

 

I really didn't see it as playing with his emotions but maybe you are right. I did tell him to try and work things out and get back to me. So I considered that ending it. I guess I just wanted him to know I haven't forgotten about him. I know that my decision to do what was best for me hurt him and I did feel bad about that. I have ended it but I didn't want to not know how he was doing. I guess I have to start all over with NC. You guys may be onto something here.

 

Real love doesn't end because we don't speak or see one another. I have to trust that I did the right thing for me, unfortunately he got hurt as a result.

[NoIDidn't]

Unfortunately he got hurt? LOL.

 

Seriously, I'm glad you ended it. But until you go NC with him, its not really over. Sending him an Easter text was a mixed message for a guy that just got dumped.

 

You really don't need to know what's going on in his life with his kids and his girlfriend. And he really doesn't need to know anything about yours.

 

Imagine him having to explain to his girlfriend how he knows you and how he met you. Even if you manage to just be friends, if you met during his relationship with her chances are that friendship would end after she knew about it.

 

Go NC, then talk about how its truly ended. Right now you might as well be holding the door open for him.

[sugarmomma]

I think I have been overly concerned with how he is dealing with this. I am going to pull myself together tomorrow and get busy with NC. I did not have these kinds of feelings for my husband and this is the closest I have ever been to true love. I am not saying that he is the one but he is surely close. I am also going through a divorce and I really need to deal with all my feeoings through the process and not reach out to this man to buffer my pain. My entire life is in transition and here I go again, having to let go in order to get what is meant for me. Please pray for me I really need strength to get through this.

[White Flower]

You will get through this. It is hard, but you will. Hang in there.

[sugarmomma]

I seem to be the one struggling even though I ended it. He seems to be doing fine. I mean not one text to say hi or anything. We agreed that if we stopped seeing each other we would continue being friends and no one would be labeled the "villain" or the "victim" but I guess that has changed.

 

He has allowed himself to get angry at me for ending it so that he could move on faster. I want to get angry too but I know that is not the healthy way to handle this. I am sooo sad and I have homework to do.

 

Well, I guess it was best that I go through this now rather than later.

 

It is still so hard because I can't eat and I had to take a couple valium last night to sleep. I hate feeling this way, missing him and all-- but I know I would feel like shi* if I would have continued seeing him and getting the short end of the stick.

 

Thanks everyone! I am going to take it one breath at a time and get through this.

[Owl]

Make sure you've got your "support system" in place...friends, family, etc...

 

Start working out, HARD, in the evenings. It'll help your body cope with the stress, and wear you out enough to sleep.

[whichwayisup]

I seem to be the one struggling even though I ended it. He seems to be doing fine

 

He's probably making it seem that way. You don't know what he is feeling inside or thinking about..Anyway, you do the same thing, act FINE around him, don't give him any satisfaction of being down.

 

You two cannot be 'friends'.

[sugarmomma]

OWL<

 

I do have supportive friends to share with but I really get tired of talking to them about it, seeing as though I had no business getting involved with him in the first place. I pretty much dug this hole for myself. I will try to muster up some energy to go to the gym if I can get myhomework done. I am starting a new career and this is my last quarter in grad school, so there is no time to screw up over some man. Sometimes I wish I had waited until this quarter was done to end it but my spirit told me otherwise.

[sugarmomma]

He's probably making it seem that way. You don't know what he is feeling inside or thinking about..Anyway, you do the same thing, act FINE around him, don't give him any satisfaction of being down.

 

You two cannot be 'friends'.

 

 

We won't be running into each other since we don't run in the same circles. If I did see him I would act like I was fine. I never let them see me sweat. Honestly, I haven't had this hard a time letting go of someone. Probably because I have been this cold repressed person due to being hurt so many times. Here I go opening up my heart to someone totally unavailable. I sure can pick them.

[Island Girl]

It was something about that day that said "if he really loves you, he needs to work on his relationship and figure things out-without me being in the picture". Well I told him to go and honestly try to work things out with her and get back to me.

 

You say you want him to figure out his current relationship WITHOUT you being in the picture.

 

Well needless to say he was very very very hurt and disappointed and didn't respond to my happy easter text that I sent. I sent him a text today just letting him know that I think of him everyday.

 

WITHOUT you being in the picture, huh?

 

I guess you just meant physically? Because you KNOW very well that by texting him you are reminding him of your connection - of you.

In this way you are remaining there - peripherally.

 

And making things even more complicated because those texts remind him of you.

They are textbook manipulative.

 

You are not allowing him to focus on his relationship.

 

You are remaining in the picture because you really do not want it to work out with this other woman but you scaled it back enough that you can contact and even possibly talk with a "clear" conscience.

 

But it is a smoke screen and an easy way to lie to yourself while you let him know you are still waiting in the wings for him to leave her and be with you.

[sugarmomma]

You say you want him to figure out his current relationship WITHOUT you being in the picture.

 

 

 

WITHOUT you being in the picture, huh?

 

I guess you just meant physically? Because you KNOW very well that by texting him you are reminding him of your connection - of you.

In this way you are remaining there - peripherally.

 

And making things even more complicated because those texts remind him of you.

They are textbook manipulative.

 

You are not allowing him to focus on his relationship.

 

You are remaining in the picture because you really do not want it to work out with this other woman but you scaled it back enough that you can contact and even possibly talk with a "clear" conscience.

 

But it is a smoke screen and an easy way to lie to yourself while you let him know you are still waiting in the wings for him to leave her and be with you.

 

 

 

Thanks IG. I have completely removed myself from the picture and thanks for pointing out that I really hadn't given him the space he needs. I just miss him so much and it made me sad that he got angry at me for ending it. He knows that I am wanting for him to figure his life out and is secure in that. Maybe that is why he hasn't responded. Or my fears tell me that he was never intending to leave her thats why he got angry. Either way I am going NC starting over with today as DAY 1.

 

You guys are great!! You really help me look at my behavior and how I have been totally contradicting myself. Just to think I wasn't going to share with you guys this part of my life.

[Island Girl]

Thanks IG. I have completely removed myself from the picture and thanks for pointing out that I really hadn't given him the space he needs. I just miss him so much and it made me sad that he got angry at me for ending it. He knows that I am wanting for him to figure his life out and is secure in that. Maybe that is why he hasn't responded. Or my fears tell me that he was never intending to leave her thats why he got angry. Either way I am going NC starting over with today as DAY 1.

 

You guys are great!! You really help me look at my behavior and how I have been totally contradicting myself. Just to think I wasn't going to share with you guys this part of my life.

 

I am glad you are making a healthier choice for yourself and allowing yourself to get your head straightened out.

 

You DO deserve a full relationship.

 

But if you were in this affair situation - there are some things you need to get a handle on yourself so you will be ready for that when it happens.

 

You said stbxh -- that says you have your own stuff going on that needs to be cleaned up too.

 

So now you can focus on that and your own life without thinking of all of the complications like him and his other issues.

 

I am glad you shared all of this too -- and that you took the opinions and advice so well.

Not many people can really step outside and see what others see.

I really admire those, like you, who can.

[sugarmomma]

I was in the process of getting divorced even before I met him. I am glad that I was almost done with that part of my life when I met him. My divorce should be final before mid May and I am really looking forward to starting over. The stbxh and I didn't have children so that made it a lot easier to move on. I finally got up and drank a red bull to get me going. I was in the grocery store and finally acknowledged that he may not leave her and I am also fine with that too. I will never forget him or the time we shared. Finally, just maybe I'm at acceptance, which is the final stage of the grief process. I just don't want to hurt myself or anyone else by continuing to live that way. I ackowledge that I am responsible for stopping my own pain, not him. I just wanna cry for getting myself into this mess. I will never do this again!! Honestly, I didn't think I would fall for him. Just that goes to show the power of emotions and I totally under estimated them (comes from repressing them for so long)

[Stepone]

Hope you don't mind SM - Have followed a few of your posts and am marvelling at the similarities between our situations, apart from a few details we seem to be in the same sort of place and have the same sort of attitudes! We are women who have been through a lot in life and when you say things like "why was the first man I ever felt true love for, after a life of hurt, this unavailable man".. my heart goes out to you, and I relate to you more than you can know. I won't go into my long twisted situation on here but I had to register here just to let you know, I am one hundred percent with you, I am praying for you to stay strong and for you to see that No Contact is the way forward, though you already seemed to have picked up on that from the other people here!

 

I ended my short but mindblowingly intense affair just before easter too and I have taken dramatic lengths to ensure NC since then. I too am going through the whole, "What must he think of me?" "he must be so angry - i don't want his view of me to be tainted" "He will think my love isn't real..." "I just need him to know I am here for him".... "oh i'd love to tell him this little weensy joke" let it go. Let him go! If it is love between you which it sounds like, this doesn't necessarily mean you are better off together at the moment, or even ever, this is the nature of love and it is tragic and hard to accept. It takes a very strong and philosophical person to accept this. But he knows where you are if he happens to man up....... but having read all the stories on here, it is often in the nature of these men who have affairs that they are inherently cowards, so I for one am not holding my breath. Also in staying with his child he is at least being slightly responsible and good, though there are arguments against.....

 

I am sure you are perpetually on his mind - if nothing else an addiction to love takes at least three weeks to break, and that is just physically. He is most likely having a hard time being around his girlfriend right now and probably feels like he is going through the motions of everyday life... but not quite all there... he does need this space to sort his head out and it sounds as if you said ALL you needed to say on your last encounter. He will have been touched by your texts no doubt but anymore would not let him have this space he needs! If necessary even delete your phone number without telling him! (I did this..... more for me than him - couldn't bear one more minute of staring at the blank screen) Anything which will help you accept.

 

Do you have children? Just interested to know..

 

Anyway all I really wanted to say was that I am so proud of you for having the strength and courage to end this before you really did become tainted goods in his and your eyes, and at the stage when you did, when emotions were obviously running so high. What a woman! Good luck, I wish there was a way we could exchange private message or something to encourage each other along this path of NC! This site has helped me no end, to realise that is the only way! Good luck girl. Oh and what I have found to help me - though your life sounds a bit fuller than mine lol - is to tell EVERYTHING to my journal, I hope to look back on it one day in disbelief! That day seems a long way away at the moment though. All the best.

 

Edit: i don't think I got across the absolute darkness I am in right now mentally. Yes am functioning on the outside, but despite my sunny exterior and sexy summer dresses....... there is a big black cloud over everything and I find it hard to see when it will end. You seem to be dealing with this a lot better than me by the way you talk so if I can do this wretched NC thing it will be a breeze for you! keep a chart, it really helps!

[sugarmomma]

Thanks Step one. I am taking it one day at a time. I do have a son he is a teenager and no time for mom. When I met this guy he gave me the impression that he was so miserable and on his way out of the relationship. This is one of the main reasons I decided to give it a try (besides the fact that he is hellasexy) to see what was going on.

 

He went on all the time about how he wanted out and on our last encounter talked about recently looking at a condo. I also ended it at that point because I am thinking "well if he is this close to ending it with her let me take my chances and back off" just to see what he will do. Besides that, the r just got too painful (not being able to call him, or spend the night, always having to get home before the kids get to sleep) I think the girlfriend has checked out emotionally because he has left my house at 4:45 am and didn't get put out. Says that he sleeps in the basement and she doesn't care. They have 2 teenagers and his parents stayed together until they were all at least 18. Says theat he stays primarily for the kids. Oh well, not my problem.

 

I also journal so I know that helps and I just try to stay positive and remeber that maybe he wasn't the "one". I do a lot of research online about being the OW and there is a lot of good stuff out there.

 

I did some yoga with the fitness channel today and didn't think of him not one time.

[Stepone]

I hate to say it but having heard the situation it sounds that unlike mine, it sounds actually quite promising that he might leave, and for the only right reasons - ie that the relationship wasn't working! It sounds like he is caught in a horrible situation. However am in no doubt that he needs to sort it out before you two can get together as it sounds painful for you - I know what you mean about not staying the night and stuff, it hurts more than i could personally handle. Well if you are still single by the time he's sorted it out, then who knows what could blossom as there is this strong connection between you. Interesting what you say about him possibly not being "the one"..... to me, romantic spirit that i am, "the one" = "the one who got away" !!!

 

I cannot believe you didn't think of him during yoga... not in any position...? If I did yoga all I would think about was all the sex we never got to have thanks to our stillborn relationship! I envy you. Everything seems to remind me of him but have found some things to focus on and get my aggression out. Someone mentioned working out - I think pounding the pavement is what is keeping me sane at the moment! And focusing on the future is also good. Am mostly waiting for time to heal me............. the more time that he goes without giving in and coming over, the more i will accept that it is over in his mind. Part of me will never get over what I have done morally though. But it is a valuable insight, speaking as one who with a zero tolerance for any man who'd dare to cheat on me!

[sugarmomma]

I hate to say it but having heard the situation it sounds that unlike mine, it sounds actually quite promising that he might leave, and for the only right reasons - ie that the relationship wasn't working! It sounds like he is caught in a horrible situation.

 

He claims that they have not had sex all year and 3 or 4 times last year. She has no interest or desire for him, he says. He cheated years ago and got caught.

 

However am in no doubt that he needs to sort it out before you two can get together as it sounds painful for you - I know what you mean about not staying the night and stuff, it hurts more than i could personally handle. Well if you are still single by the time he's sorted it out, then who knows what could blossom as there is this strong connection between you. Interesting what you say about him possibly not being "the one"..... to me, romantic spirit that i am, "the one" = "the one who got away" !!!

 

I think he is the one but I have to remember that only time will tell.

 

I cannot believe you didn't think of him during yoga... not in any position...?

 

Funny:love: I try not to think about the sex with him because that would drive me crazy!!! I have these moments when I just say "OMG Please Help Me"

 

If I did yoga all I would think about was all the sex we never got to have thanks to our stillborn relationship! I envy you. Everything seems to remind me of him but have found some things to focus on and get my aggression out. Someone mentioned working out - I think pounding the pavement is what is keeping me sane at the moment! And focusing on the future is also good. Am mostly waiting for time to heal me............. the more time that he goes without giving in and coming over, the more i will accept that it is over in his mind.

 

How long were you two together and who ended it? Did they have kids?

 

Part of me will never get over what I have done morally though.

 

You can't beat yourself up too bad.

 

But it is a valuable insight, speaking as one who with a zero tolerance for any man who'd dare to cheat on me!

 

 

I know what you mean. I always break up with a guiy if he cheats.

[Stepone]

Wow - that is a "for the sake of the kids" relationship if ever i heard one - and i don't know how much good it will do the kids to grow up with loveless parents as role models but each to his own....

"Only time will tell"....... good philosophy!

 

My situation was so complicated I daren't reveal it on here for fear of getting flamed! It lasted three months from the day we kissed. Put it this way, his wife was my best friend and neighbour for years. Well until he told her we were in love, now she hates me - no, hate isn't a strong enough word. They have two young daughters I got on with like little sisters. My love for him and his family is what helped me get out. He didn't want to but seems to be doing fine....... not that I know, since blocking my number. I am having very serious trouble coming to terms with all the moral principles I have gone against, allowing myself to fall head over heels in love with this man. In your situation I really think it sounds as if you were doing everyone but yourself a favour if that doesn't sound harsh!

 

I find it hard to respect a woman who stays with a guy who cheats, which is weird as such a high percentage of men do cheat... after this little experience, I feel even more strongly that I wouldn't stay with a cheat as until now I never saw the extent of the cold blooded deceit men were capable of. Your situation sounds very different though, this man sounds like he really is not compatible with this woman at all, and is very torn! A man's love for his children can be overpowering (and having had no father growing up, this heartens me in a strange way)...