I really need an off switch...

[sucker4ya07]

I feel like my emotions are stuck in this yo-yo phase and I'm having a really hard time breaking free of it. Some days I'm cool, confident, collected. Other days I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack and all I want to do is sit in the bottom of my shower and cry. Thankfully, I have yet to give into that desire...and it has been a month + 1 day. So I think I'm doing ok overall. But OMG man, the waiting is freaking me out. The month of silence is driving me up the wall and all it is doing is creating ample room for my insecurities to play.

 

Everytime I talk to my best friend about it, he's like...OMG would you stop catstrophizing?! The man is BUSY, F'n chill out! And I knoooooow that's true. We said we wouldn't talk til he gets through the rest of M2 - which is this week. But I keep thinking about how much I want to talk to him, and my insecurities keep yelling back at me...well if he wanted to talk to you too, he'd just call! And then it starts spiraling down....he doesn't care, he realized he's better off without me, he finally got close enough to realize he didn't like what he saw...etc etc etc. And the reality of the situation is, we didn't break up because of us, or me or him. We broke up because of Med School and Shelf Exams and Board Exams and the fact that he just felt too overwhelmed to tackle all of it and be the man I deserve right now. I know exactly why he hasn't called yet. He's still got two Shelf Exams this week...today and Friday...before he's finished with M2. He's been studying about 18 hours a day, every single day...the last thing he's worried about right now is picking up the phone to have a 5 minute, meaningless conversation with me, that will leave us both unfulfilled and more frustrated than before. He can't risk losing his concentration right now. And I know these things...but my insecurities don't care.

 

I know we will talk sometime in the next week. And that scares the crap out of me. It's been a month since we've spoken, with the exception of a run in last week. And I'm just really scared to hear what he has to say. Again, the insecurities keep making me think he's just going to be like...eh realized i'm cool with out you, peace out. But, as my best friend points out to me all the time...that's me thinking the worst all the time. And I have no reason to think the worst.

 

I just want all of my fears to shut up right now. I just want to chill and be cool, and have a great conversation when we see each other. uuugh can the weekend please come ANY faster?!

[miss_28]

ugh, i remember those feelings, right down to sitting in my shower crying. Hugs girl, I know it hurts like hell, and it's not fair to be in the yo-yo situation or this amount of pain. It's perfectly understandable, you are waiting for a set date to hear a verdict on your relationship... I'd go nuts myself (I have in the past). Try to find relaxing, fun things to do in the meantime, stop figuring out how the exams are going, which exams he's taking, etc. and just try to occupy your time with something else.

 

And try to stop giving this guy "extensions" to appreciate you... at this point, you can't do anything to make him come towards you, he's (at the very best) putting you on hold, & most importantly, you don't know how he's going to come out of this experience with the exams. Will he be stronger^ Will he have a crisis? You won't know, unfortunately. It's out of your hands, so let it be... and tell yourself, it shouldn't hurt this much. Assuming you get back with this guy, all this hurt you are going through will end up giving you insecurities about the future and will make you resent him; so try to step back from it and just don't worry about it - if he comes back, fine, if he doesn't, then he's an idiot. You yourself have to decide how much you want to go through this in future, and whether you are ok with potentially experiencing this again or not.

[sucker4ya07]

You are definitely right. He has essentially put me on hold. Which sucks. I hate that I'm sitting here waiting for it to change, one way or the other. But I feel like because of the circumstances, and because I've seen him struggling through everything, I understand why we are where we are. And I feel like he's doing the right thing by "setting ME free" right now...even though it's not at all what I want. There is part of him that feels like...I can't be the boyfriend I want to be right now when I'm going to have my head shoved in a book 18 hours a day for 3 months....I can't give you everything I want to or what you deserve. He feels like he would be unfair to me to stay with me through this, having nothing to give me except a few mins on the phone here and there. It's like he feels guilty that I would maybe be missing out on someone who could give me everything I want, the time he doesn't have, etc...but he doesn't seem to understand that I'm happy where I am. Well...no, he does understand, he just can't stop himself from beating himself up about it. And I know that all of this is just a small portion of why we are where we are. The biggest stuff is school itself. I asked him if he really wanted this to be the end...and he said of course he hoped we weren't done with each other, and of course he doesn't want to lose me...but it's a risk he has to take right now. And I get it. Med school does, and always will, and always SHOULD, come first. and a relationship right now for him is just like..."OMG everything that I have worked so hard for up until now is riding on this exam in June....and I can't jeopardize that for anything or anyone". I hate that I'm a risk he's willing to take...but I don't think it's that I'm disposable to him, or that he doesn't want me in his life..I think it's more of a...I really do want you here but right now I dont know how to have you here...and I know that if we are supposed to be together, this risk will be worth it and we will be stronger because of it.

 

Don't get me wrong...it still scares the bajeezus out of me. Like...will he ever be ready to handle medicine and a relationship? If we do get back together...will he freak out again when he has a difficult rotation? I know that is a risk I am willing to take though, because I have never met a man in my entire life who I feel is more worth it than him. However...if he jumps ship again when it gets tough...that's when I'm done with it.

[RecordProducer]

I He can't risk losing his concentration right now. And I know these things...but my insecurities don't care.

No, it's not you insecurities - it's your intuition.

 

However...if he jumps ship again when it gets tough...that's when I'm done with it.

Why - if everything is OK? But everything is not ok, is it? You are hurt? Who hurt you? You're saying that if he hurts you again, you're done. You're done already, you just don't get it.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I am not a mean person. I am always trying to help. But I haven't seen anyone on this borad so blind to realize that it's over. He doensn't love you. Many of us have had long-distance relationships that were committed and successful. You guy could've set a time out for you two. But he broke up while keeping you on hold. He is probably trying out some new girl while keeping you hanging on.

 

Anyone who breaks up with you doesn't love you (unless you've done something really bad). Remember that for the rest of your life. He broke up with you. Do you understand? He broke up with you. You are done. You haven't spoken to him in a month. I can't believe what that POS is doing to you. He is a selfish, manipulative bastard.

[sucker4ya07]

No, it's not you insecurities - it's your intuition.

 

Why - if everything is OK? But everything is not ok, is it? You are hurt? Who hurt you? You're saying that if he hurts you again, you're done. You're done already, you just don't get it.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I am not a mean person. I am always trying to help. But I haven't seen anyone on this borad so blind to realize that it's over. He doensn't love you. Many of us have had long-distance relationships that were committed and successful. You guy could've set a time out for you two. But he broke up while keeping you on hold. He is probably trying out some new girl while keeping you hanging on.

 

Anyone who breaks up with you doesn't love you (unless you've done something really bad). Remember that for the rest of your life. He broke up with you. Do you understand? He broke up with you. You are done. You haven't spoken to him in a month. I can't believe what that POS is doing to you. He is a selfish, manipulative bastard.

 

 

I don't think you are a mean person, and I totally understand where you are coming from. But I just completely disagree with you. I am not a naive person...I have been in plenty of relationships, serious, non-serious. I have a pretty accurate read on people...and my intuition has always been right. I appreciate your point of view of the situation, because I am fully aware of how this situation looks to an outsider. But the fact it...he isn't being an *******. He isn't stringing me along. He isn't out there messing around with other girls. The man doesn't have time for himself. And this isn't me speculating, or making excuses. It's just the God's honest truth. He's up at the crack of dawn...every day...studying. He studies all day every day, has time to eat and shower, and maybe get 5-6 hours of sleep. Up until the day we broke up he was making time for me...I know it exists. I know if he felt in control of things right now...he would make the time. But he doesn't feel in control...and this is his attempt at getting his control back. I'm not the only one who's been pushed aside right now. His friends have been pushed aside...his family has been pushed aside...

 

So RP, I really do understand your outlook on it. I just know what I'm dealing with here. And I know he's a genuine person and I know he cares deeply about me. But sometimes, we have to put ourselves first. We stress that here on this board ALL THE TIME. "quit thinking about your ex, put your feelings first...worry about YOUR life" etc etc...This is exactly what he is doing right now. He hit a wall and he didn't know how to deal. And rather than screw up everything we have trying to half ass a relationship while he's drowning in micro and path and pharm and blah blah blah...and risk screwing up his licensing exams....he said ok i need to put the brakes on. I care about you...but right now this has to come first. The reality is...we are a new relationship. It's been 7 months. I don't expect him on ANY level to jeopardize his medical career for our relationship. It's just that...he's wanted medicine his whole life. He's wanted me since the end of August. He has priorities, as do I. And he can't risk his career to be the boyfriend he wants to be right now.

 

I'm sorry you have had bad experiences. I have too....I just know this is different.

[RecordProducer]

I'm not the only one who's been pushed aside right now. His friends have been pushed aside...his family has been pushed aside...

Did he tell his friends and family "You're not my friends and relatives anymore?"

 

He didn't push you aside; he broke up with you. He let you go and find someone new. He ditched you. He dumped you. I don't understand how you don't see it. You don't have a BF at this point. He doesn't even talk to you. He doesn't even pick up the phone for a minute to say "I love you." He doesn't write you emails or texts you or anything. It doesn't matter what he said; he doesn't love you; you don't exist for him. You project your love on him. This has nothing to do with medicine and studying. He doesn't care about you. I now he is busy, I am not saying he's not, but HE BROKE UP WITH YOU. You are free to date other guys and sleep with other guys. he doesn't mind - let's put it that way.

 

Any person who would act like that with a GF is mean. I bet youhe's a Narcissist. He enjys that he hurt you and let you down. He might get back with you just to keep hurting you. Remember my words: you will experience nothing but pain from this man.

[sucker4ya07]

Did he tell his friends and family "You're not my friends and relatives anymore?"

 

He didn't push you aside; he broke up with you. He let you go and find someone new. He ditched you. He dumped you. I don't understand how you don't see it. You don't have a BF at this point. He doesn't even talk to you. He doesn't even pick up the phone for a minute to say "I love you." He doesn't write you emails or texts you or anything. It doesn't matter what he said; he doesn't love you; you don't exist for him. You project your love on him. This has nothing to do with medicine and studying. He doesn't care about you. I now he is busy, I am not saying he's not, but HE BROKE UP WITH YOU. You are free to date other guys and sleep with other guys. he doesn't mind - let's put it that way.

 

Any person who would act like that with a GF is mean. I bet youhe's a Narcissist. He enjys that he hurt you and let you down. He might get back with you just to keep hurting you. Remember my words: you will experience nothing but pain from this man.

 

 

Well I will keep your words in mind. But, this is just not the case. There are no other women in his life, unless you count one of the many textbooks he falls asleep on at night. And he does care about me, but I don't need to convince you of that. It is my relationship, it is my ex bf, and I know who he is and what he's going through. And I know what his feelings are for me. The only thing that scares me is not that he doesn't care...it's the uncertainty of when he will be ready to handle a relationship and the stress of med school. And if it's too long...will we both just fade away.

 

Again, it is very clear to me that you have been hurt badly before. I read a little bit of some of your posts, and I am sorry that you had to deal with someone like that. I have had an ex who did treat me terribly...who told me he wanted me around, and who was behind my back screwing around with other girls. I know that type...and I know, that my current ex, is nothing of the sort.

 

And yes, you're right. He's not calling. But we've talked...and we have an understanding as to why we aren't talking right now. I know that we are speaking sometime soon after the last exam Friday. He's not ignoring me, he's focusing on getting through the most stressful time in his life to date. I know you don't believe any of what I say. And I'm sure I come across as some naive, hopeless romantic, head in the cloud, idiot...who can't see what's right in front of her. But the fact is...I'm not. I just know who he is, and I know what we have, and I know the circumstances surrounding our relationship. I'm not saying we will get back together. But what I am saying...is that our breakup has nothing to do with us. We are in a perfect place to get back together when things settle down....We didn't have a bad breakup, we didn't fight, we didn't disrespect each other...we have great chemistry, and strong feelings, and we just click. I'm here because the circumstances freak me out. Not him...not us. But I don't expect you to see my point of view...

[RecordProducer]

Sorry about being too harsh in my last post, I wasn't very sober at the time. Well, I believe you that he cares, but I am not sure he's in love with you if he CAN go without calling you for a month. Perhaps he wants to focus on his studies in the next few years and doesn't really care about having a relationship. In any case, his behavior is not very promising, but I will stop bugging you.