Kamille Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I'm starting to figure out that the guy I am dating and I aren't really on the same page when it comes to what we might want out of getting to know each other. None of this was said out loud, but little little things he says makes me realize it. (In contrast to what he does, which I would normally interpret as strong interest). He just got out of a long-term relationship and as far as I can tell, his head is still spinning from it all. It is understandable that he isn't ready for any commitment right now. Except I find myself falling for him. I've decided that I need to end things, but it's probably one of the hardest things I'll have to do. Today I feel slightly heart-broken and I've started wondering whether ending things is really what I should do. I sometimes think that i should throw all caution to the wind an just see where things lead. Anyone have any advice? Words of comfort?
dreamergrl Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Talk to him about it. See what he has to say. Then see how you're feeling about it all after that.
Ariadne Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I sometimes think that i should throw all caution to the wind an just see where things lead. Yeah, do that. Why are people such chickens anyway?
Author Kamille Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Yeah, do that. Why are people such chickens anyway? Pride. __________
Author Kamille Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Talk to him about it. See what he has to say. Then see how you're feeling about it all after that. I know you're right. I don't know why I'm freaking out. All I know is that I dislike feeling this way.
dreamergrl Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I know you're right. I don't know why I'm freaking out. All I know is that I dislike feeling this way. We all freak out some times, it's only natural to have feelings fly around here and there, it's human nature. I can relate so much, you have no idea!
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Kamille, I'm confused. Plse explain something. Did he actually say to you that he wasn't ready for commitment? If so, when and how did he say it?
Author Kamille Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Kamille, I'm confused. Plse explain something. Did he actually say to you that he wasn't ready for commitment? If so, when and how did he say it? I'm confused too. He hasn't said he wasn't ready for commitment in so many words, and while he sometimes is moving things along, yesterday he called me and kept referring to me as his friend. Why would he do that if he was interested in something romantic?
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I'm confused too. He hasn't said he wasn't ready for commitment in so many words, and while he sometimes is moving things along, yesterday he called me and kept referring to me as his friend. Why would he do that if he was interested in something romantic?I don't know why he would do that. Next time, just challenge him in a teasing way. "Is that all we are, friends?" *flirtatious look, mysterious smile*
marlena Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I sometimes think that i should throw all caution to the wind an just see where things lead. This is what I would do. At least for now. It is too soon to expect him to commit. After all you've only known him a few months. Right? I would try not to stress out and just enjoy the relationship without making any heavy demands on the man. If you've only been seeing eachother for a few short months, having a heavy,emotional talk may make him run for the hills if he isn't ready for such a thing. Sometimes it's best to just let things develop naturally without forcing a situation. Perhaps "showing" him how you feel instead of "talking" to him about your feeelings might in the long run pay off more. He may appreciate your independency and lack of neediness and love you all the more for it. Then, Kamille, you'll have him hooked and his ex will recede into the long gone past where she belongs.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 He's giving me a non- committal vibe. So K, what exactly is it that you expect from him? A lasting relationship? You know how we in the forums often come across posts where the date has just gotten out of a LTR and all they can say is that they're not ready? I think that says more than a lot. You may try being patient, but I'm afraid you'll get hurt because you're falling for him. Suppose a year passes and he's still not ready? Maybe I'm being a pessimist but I think relationship- wise, people should always ready from the get- go. Aren't that how we discern and weed out the good ones from the bad?
Ariadne Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Pride. __________ That is just another form of fear. That you are going to be less, demoted, etc.
Author Kamille Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 I've been thinking about your comments and this situation - and the fears it's bringing foward for me. My first two boyfriends were classic commitmentphobes - actually, the first was a complete manipulator and the second a commitmentphobe. I decided at one point that enough was enough and I wasn't going to stand for anymore bs from men. They were in or they were out. So my third boyfriend had decided within two weeks of knowing me that he wanted to marry me. And you guys all remember last year's boyfriend (the fourth), who had also decided really rapidly that I was "the one". The last two relationships had a common problem: I felt choked and overpowered in both. Basically I think I need a balance between the two. I need to trust in myself enough to know that I won't let anyone play with my heart again. i also need to stop requiring a strong commitment really early before I allow myself feel vulnerable. So, for now, with this guy, I will try to live in the moment and enjoy his company, all while keeping my balance.
Isolde Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 My "gut advice" is to tell you not to impose a false end to this. Give it just a bit more time. Is he making an effort to get to truly know you, Kamille? It's always so hard to say without details.
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