Shocked n Devastated Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I recently (6 days) ago discovered that my husband of 10 years (14 together) was having an emotional affair with a girl he dated in high school. I am completely devastated- don't know whether to cry, hit something, fight, give-up, curl up in a ball, etc. My emotions change from minute to minute. He is in love with her, and says he never stopped loving her (he is now 41). He also says he still loves me. When I askd him what caused him to initaiate contact with her 16 months ago when the whole thing started he just told me that for the last couple of years he just "felt like he didnt want to be married". I know this sounds crazy for me to say- but what makes it so hard for me (well one thing) is that I know he is such an honest and sensitive person and he has made such a huge mistake. Of course he is sorry for it- wants to work it out with me but I can't help but feel like me tolerating this would equate to me spending the rest of my life being the "runner-up" to this woman. If anyone has anything to say that might help me clarify my feelings- I would so appreciate it! There is so much more to the story than what I have told.
pparrott Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 There's always so much more to every story here. I'm sorry you are going thru this. The emotions alone can make you feel like a crazy person. (I know) It's a horrible way to go thru your days......(it gets easier over time though) Not that this is an excuse for him....But have you thought about maybe this is the preverbial "Mid Life Crisis". Everyone from time to time during their marriage wonders WHY. Questions IF they want to be married. Some act on the feelings, others don't. Are you sure it was only an EA? (your mention of LOVE - would make me think it is more than just an emotional connection) Were you happy before this all came into play?
2sure Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 There are SO many people on here, from each end of this type of situation....most of them are middle aged and married for a long time. And what happens during middle age? We look back on our youth and want to recapture it. We have what ifs. Who doesn't? What better way to make that not just reminiscing but tangible? The internet just to see what people from our glory days are up to!! And so this is what you get. Normally happy people having the thoughts every one does, but now they enter a fantasy zone and think that recapturing their youth means reconnecting with their lost loves. You cant compete with it. Its all fantasy. Most of them never turn into full affairs because reality strikes either one or both of them. But certainly, this is not to be blown off. Like you said - you cant spend the rest of your life feeling as though you came in second. Awww. Sensitive guy loves you both. No - he needs a good dose of reality. Tell him that after reflecting upon the whole mess you have realized that you cannot compete with a fantasy , and further you have no interest in doing so. All of this has made you see him in an unattractive light. His actions are those of someone requiring drama and an over abundance of attention, and quite frankly - you didn't sign up for that. In thinking about it, you realize that this has turned into not so much you fearing being second best...but you feeling like its possible HE is not up to what you deserve. Like everyone who has an affair, he will not truly see the reality of his actions unless consequences make him the victim - not you.
TOWinNYC Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Shocked - I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. This is all very fresh and new. And chances are there's "more in the closet" that will come out (and needs to) before you can make any kind of decision. At this point, it sounds like all you know is what you have been "told". I think it's important to take the time out to decide what's best FOR YOU - with or without him in the picture. The other half of the equation is your H. If he's not interested in making the M work, no amount of counseling, talking or working on it, is going to help. If he's intent on being with his HS sweetheart, you're better off without him. If he's willing to work on your M, then the marriage is worth fighting for. Best of luck.
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