s appriecated how to deal with this break up so far.

[Sonic_chaos]

Hi Ayla,

 

No nothing has changed in the last few days. Since then i have wrote feelings down like i did last week and still keeping them to myself for the time being. She is due to come back as far as i know today so the next few days will tell really. I have also got in contact with her mum and again i havent had an email back *but she doesnt check her mail everyday, so maybe that will be tomorrow* Although her mum will probably still not know whats going on in her mind, she might have a understanding of her state of mind and mood at the moment.

I think if nothing changes and i dont get much feedback from her mum sometime this week my options are being limited... I might try a letter, simply telling her the situation my side and then NC and obviously respect that she doesnt want to get in contact with me. Or just skip the letter.. Im sure she knows the door is open and i still have hope for the future, if and when she knows what she wants. I just know she is one of these types of people that she thinks she is putting on people she will not say or speak out. So my fear is that she really wants to get in contact but feels its not right to because she feels she is putting on me for some reason..

 

ive read and bought a fair few of these get your girlfriend back things along with other articles which really on the hole havent worked mainly i think due to my ex being the way she is *very stubborn and emotional person* I know she is hurting alot, and really regret the things i did. ive changed my point of view tremendously since, but i dunno if i'll get the chance to show her i have changed. But at least i can say this wont happen again.. But it still baffles me how much this has been blown out of proportion in retrospect compared to cheating, being a jerk, treating her bad, abusive etc.. all the things in her last relationship before me. So that gives me hope we can reconcile in the future when the initial raw hurting subsides. But it also leaves it, does she want to be open to be hurt again like this.. double sided edge.

 

Me and my brother when out last night to a Trance event to watch a well known DJ perform and while i was there, this women was chatting with me Which is kinda rare! *although i was stone cold sober due to driving and she was highly intoxicated!* But i couldnt bring myself to make any moves. 1, i felt like i was taking advantage of me being sober and 2. I just felt it wrong especially when even though its over, i still feel like im cheating? or beginning to.. so shyed away. In some respects, im glad i did. Im not ready yet i dont think.

 

The way she got over her last ex was to change her number due to him always keep texting her and pestering her etc. From what she told me, there was never a chance them ever getting back together for the abusive reasons etc.. But im not going to push it. Or that will happen to me and i will push her further away, which i think what is happening at the moment Even tho it was only limited contact..

Will be interesting to see if she tries contacting me on my birthday *nearly 6 weeks away* remembering birthdays/anniversaries etc was something we had down to a tee. Maybe she is going to surprise me for my birthday. haha.. the best present she could give me for my birthday is another chance, not even a card. Just another chance to prove.

To be honest, i dont even feel like im being a doormat, as the only thing that really happened was she went into auto protect on her own heart. which is natural. Just wished she'd have talked to me about it though before throwing in the towel.

 

Thanks again and i'll keep you updated on progress if anything comes

 

x

[Ayla]

Hello - well good evening on my part (it is midnight here),

 

I am sorry that things have not changed for you. I think that you should just let her be for now. I would suggest not writing a letter. You have already told her that you love her and that she can contact you when ready and that you are sorry. There is not much left to say is there? I think that she needs some time with no contact from you for a little while.

 

To be honest those how to get your ex back - I think are fiction. They might work for the minority, but not the majority....each situation is different...and each person is different. From what I have heard those type of books aren't the best.

 

I do hope that she contacts you for your birthday...but please do not get your hopes up You really need to focus on yourself and your life. Do not worry that you are not ready to meet other girls and do anything with them. There is no pressure. But you do need to focus on yourself!!! At the moment she probably feels like she can;t talk to you - I do not know why, and it hurts, but I do not believe she is not thinking about you, I am sure you are on her mind quite frequently.

 

Question - why would women not chat to you? I am sure they do, you just probably have never realised it.

 

Stay strong and I really do think that you should leave her be for a bit with no contact. Try and minimise the contact with her Mum too. I know that it is like an attachment to your ex, but it puts her Mum in a bad position...I am sure she loves you and hopes things work out, but her loyalty will always be with her daughter.

 

I hope you are ok with everything I have written...

 

Maybe you can help me with something that is a little thing on my mind about my problem....How can my ex go from being in love with me (talking about future etc) and then all of a sudden break up with me with no warning and no signs, and then not contact me at all - last I heard form him was 4 days after we broke up? My friends reckon he might be embarrassed about his actions (sleeping with someone 3 days after we broke up) and knows he hurt me a lot and does not want to face it. But does he really not care at all - to know that I have a home? To know that I have money? To know that I am ok? I miss him so much, and wishes he would contact me, even just to show that he cares somewhat. Does he really not care at all? I really would appreciate a male POV here...

 

Thanks

x

[Sonic_chaos]

Thanks for the quick reply!

 

No, i think you are right and i am going to not contact her now. Believe it or not her mum is still on my side, last time i spoke to her. i told her she needs to have that biased side to her. She still believes my ex has handled it wrong and things will be good in the future. Now that basically she is breaking ties with me for the time being or forever i dunno.. i'll probably not email her mum so much. *it was only 1 a fornight anyway if that.. it wasnt 2-3 times aday etc* but i see what you mean. And i also did it as it relieved boredom for both of us, i have been to see her a few times without my ex knowing when she is at work. My friendship probably wont die for a bit with her mum. Like see said, she feels like she has gained a second son with me and i feel like i gained another mum, maybe a mum i could tell stuff i couldnt with my own mum. Again i'll see what happens thro the week with the ex and mum. But i'll probably take your advice and say i'll not do the letter.

 

I also still believe that i am on her mind alot. And the feeling is very mutual.

 

I personally i never found myself as very attractive to other women. Like im in my own bubble if you will. My ex always said that i was sexy and really attractive from the first moment we met. Thats a quality i never saw in myself. But i saw it in her instantly.. She again never looked at herself as being really attractive and gorgeous but she was ill when i met her and she has put weight on and looks alot healthier now.I know she is gorgeous and other men also know she is too. I loved myself but i never saw myself as being like gods gift to women. And never will. maybe thats what makes me

different to the other men she dated before me and me before her.

 

I dont know your ex or his nature before he broke up with you as we are all individual. I couldnt do that the way he has gone about it. But thats my own personal way of doing it.. I cant tell you the reason why you broke up, but i feel the sleeping with another girl after your break up was more of a mistake like your friends are putting it. Reasons why.. some find it hard to deal with after a break up with no sex. I myself never thought id miss sex as much as i have done. *she was my first proper sexual partner* But its around 4 months since my last intercourse. I can deal with that to be honest. but its tough. But i dont want to sleep around to forget or block the feelings for my ex.. Maybe thats what it was.. He thought it could try and block the feelings he had for you by sleeping with another girl. It doesnt work. And now he is feeling very embarrased and thats the reason he hasnt been in contact. Male pride is a bad thing at times.. And gets us into all sorts of problems.. Believe me it did with my ex..

Its a real tough situation for you to be in as you have no reason, no cause and no closure.. At least me and my ex spoke and i got something i can work on to better myself and a cause that broke it down.

 

Im sure he is thinking of you just as much.. You know why people us NC, So when two people do the same, you get nothing. i feel thats whats happeneing with him. He wants to get in contact with you, see how you are. Just like i do with my ex.. hear her voice, touch etc. And just like you do with your ex. But he is obviously working on himself someway. Coming to terms with it.. people just dont close off like that. We cant.. Unless there is no emotions there at all. So to my mind he is fighting the urge to contact you. Maybe thinking he has hurt you so much he is waiting till you contact him.. Or vica versa.. Tough call.. Dont think its helped you much, i hope it has.. Anything more i can help with. Dont hesisitat to ask. As its been a breathe of fresh air to talking to me from a womans POV how my ex's feels. Again not directly in her shoes as her mum cant tell me that..but its better then clutching a straws like i was before..

 

x

[boogieboy]

 

Maybe you can help me with something that is a little thing on my mind about my problem....How can my ex go from being in love with me (talking about future etc) and then all of a sudden break up with me with no warning and no signs, and then not contact me at all - last I heard form him was 4 days after we broke up? My friends reckon he might be embarrassed about his actions (sleeping with someone 3 days after we broke up) and knows he hurt me a lot and does not want to face it. But does he really not care at all - to know that I have a home? To know that I have money? To know that I am ok? I miss him so much, and wishes he would contact me, even just to show that he cares somewhat. Does he really not care at all? I really would appreciate a male POV here...

 

Thanks

x

 

Ayla, a guy that dissappears with no trace obviously lied to you about how he felt, or found love at first sight with that girl he started sleeping with. He doesnt care at all, and its possible he doesnt want to deal with the guilt of explaining it to you, even though he should. I know its rough, I'm dealing with a breakup myself. And it sucks. If you need closure, the only way it to do it is to corner him in person for an answer. But We already know what the answer is. So you can try to replace him immediatly, or work on yourself to forget about him. But I think you should forget about him. You dont want that guy back. Even if he came back to you, he most likely would do it again.

 

Sonic, your girl has issues that you cant help with. From what you said, she doesnt really want to hear from you. Forget about her for now, and let her initiate contact. I tried to convince my girl about the things she doubted about me, but if they are stubborn, they wont believe you. Give her a chance to miss you. Stay away. I heard an expression that says "you cant put a fire out with your bare hands, let it smolder out" Yours actually is a situation where NC is the only choice. You already told her what she needed to know. The more you resist the urge to contact her, the easier it will be.

[Sonic_chaos]

OK quick update. Had a text back telling me that she wanted to me to come on msn.. which i did.. And she has explained a few things too me..

 

She took me off facebook because there are a few things that have got blown out of propotion she said. *1 being that i said she had one of there statues as happy x* and that i have been emailing her mother which she has seen the emails. Which really isnt on.. but i'll give her that... So i have promised to stop emailing her mum about her primarily, more about things in general. interests etc.. but it seems that she is now not going to tell anyone anything anymore.. And keep it to herself.. Well i thought thats what she was doing that anyway!

 

She said she wants to be mates as she put it and we have been through alot together and that she wants to speak to me sooner rather then later about where we are going to go as she put it in her terminology.. She sounds in the way she is typing that she is still hurting alot. And i did ask her if i could phone her but she said she was too upset to talk to me.

 

NOW straight away i know she aint going to tell me i'm giving you a second chance..thats way too easy for starters... and if i was to believe that i need my head reading! Im more thinking that she is going to tell me that just friends nothing more.. but i dunno if she is also gonna say like How long for and if it develops what.. etc but at the moment friends seems like more the favourite and the right way to go. She said the break away on holiday was a well earned time to get her head clear and sort stuff out. Again im thinking she has no thought at this moment on reconcilation to a second chance.

 

I dunno if Its a step forward or not the way im lookin at it.. as i want it to develop slowly if possible and maybe this is the way its meant to be, i dont want just friends and never will do with her.. She will always be more then that.. She said she wasnt going to keep me long. So these are the rules type speech im guessing and she also doing it at tea time so wont i wont be kept long. But im going prepared and im having something to eat before i go, so if its slightly later i aint bothered..

 

I dunno if this is too late to get anyones opinion on this now, before i go. tomorrow at 4:30 UK time, But im going to try play it cool. and go from there and just listen.. I dunno if i have any choice or not in that matter. But im respecting that she didnt want to do it over the internet,, like she has done it twice previously via email.. Again which i think is wrong.

 

Comments appreciated

[Ayla]

Hey sonic,

I am excited for you and nervous for you at the same time! As I do not know her I can't really know what is going on in her head. Firstly-I thought she would not be happy about the contact with her mother.

In regards to the chat you had-she obviously cares still, and is not scared to show it. However in what capacity she cares is a big question mark. I know you love her heaps, but please be prepared for her to say she just wants to be friends. At this point the hurt might be irrepairable...if this is the case and she just wants to be friends-can I suggest that you leave her be. You can not be friends with someone when feelings are still hanging around. And honestly it will just hurt you more. If you need clarification then ask her directly-"will we ever be together, because I do not want to have something in my head that is not correct." ie-you do not want to be thinking that she eventually will want to get back with you when at this point she does not plan to. Does this make sense? It will hopefully give clarification and help you to know what to do next.

 

On the other hand, if she does indicate that you two might get back together then respect her wishes for now, and see what happens. but you need to know what is happening and hear it from her...not what you think she is saying.

 

Does that help?

 

Thanks for your thoughts on my case. I think you are right given his current actions etc. I know he is not home a lot-avoiding the place we lived together, is drinking a lot and working very long hours. All avoidance actions. I hope one day he is man enough to face his actions, but like you mentioned he is a very proud man and gates to admit it when he is wrong. So I am just continuing putting my life together-job, home, money and getting settled back in my home country. I have told him (2 weeks ago) that I do not hate him and that I said that out of hurt and anger, and that I would like to speak with him. The ball is in his court now.

 

On another note, I found out last night that I am in the top 2 for a job I applied for and I am on my way to another interview now. hopefully I will have some good news for you.

 

X

[Sonic_chaos]

Hi Ayla, Firstly I hope the job interview went well and that you get it!!!! That would be a great boost for you!!!

 

okies.. i dont think it was the emails to her mum that got her angry. It was the content in some cases. She felt like i was checking up on her all the time. i think her mum wasnt as tacticful as id hoped and was asking her straight away what this meant and why i was saying this.. Which was the case, but i wasnt asking as much as she makes out. So i told her that id stop emailing her mum. She told me that she didnt want me to stop emailing her as she enjoyed reading them and keeping in contact. However i have promised to keep the emails general rather then half and half of general and also my ex. It will be hard.. but im willing.

 

Thanks for the quick reply again. Im going with the sad reality that friends is all it is. Im trying to install that now so i dont look shocked etc when she does tell me thats all she wants. Body language is a killer aint it, im sure it will give it away.. The knot in my stomach is one of excitement,anxiety and uncertainty. Why excitement i dunno, Maybe thats the anxiety bit.. uncertainty as i thought i had a good idea how my ex worked, but since these pass 3 months have passed anything is possible.. but only will i have an idea what she wants me to know whats going on when she tells me. as no one else knows else does.

 

I dont want friends believe you me. and if that is all she wants from me in the long term then im afraid, i'll just come away from her after that period were i think thats it.. I know there isnt another guy involved, she isnt that type of person. So even though she wants to be friends, she still cares alot for me.. more then a friend would do i feel but somethings like last night she says its not her place anymore to comment on those things, So she is cutting alot of that out. she said she is going to be there for me, if she wants me to be. Im taking that as someone to talk to then anything else.. I personally dont have many female friends and the ones i do are all married. but even then im still quite flirty with them.

she has also hinted to her mum that she might be coming off all social networking sites to be on her own for a bit. People are getting on her nerves with asking her to come around and go out at night. When all she wants is to be on her own after a long day at work. She isnt a out going person. More a stay in watch a dvd type girl. Thats alot of the reason i havent been contacting her as much as i wanted too.

 

thanks so far. will post later what does happen.. bad or worse

 

x

 

Boogieboy: thanks for your comments as well. I think if i hadnt of had the contact last night i would have done excatly what you said and let it smolder. Again its sorta got me on to the next stage. Whether thats closer or further away, i'll leave you to decide. Still on the fence yet. still i hear what she has to say and also how it gets played as friends as we go if that comes along.

[Ayla]

Good evening/morning/afternoon - whatever it is...

 

Firstly - I have not heard yet about the job. So keep your fingers crossed for me. The interview I went to this morning went well though, I think I will get a second one out of it.

 

I do not think there is another guy involved either...it is her inner demons and her hurt. I thought I knew my ex as well - and I believe I still do - what he did is just his way of pushing me away and justifying to himself that he is a bastard....I do not believe the person I was with was a lie, and neither should you

 

Anyway - I will be thinking of you, and keep me posted.

 

x

 

I can understand all the feelings that you have at the moment. The excitment as well - just seeing her again is the excitment...then the others as well build on from that....

[Sonic_chaos]

Hi Ayla,

 

deffo inner demons it seems.. very mixed emotions too. She still loves, cares and misses me but she cant let me in like before. At the moment we have agreed to be friends and she has said that at the moment its nothing more. But at the same time, this quick in out type talk turned into 6 hours of me there. some discussing and some of it just catching up on what has happened etc..

Lots of hugs and also some kisses, She wanted to kiss me and me her but she felt it wrong. I asked her to kiss me but if she didnt want to i wasnt forcing her and she did. She said she feels she cant let me in as all the men in her life have let her down and hurt her one way or another. she also said it would probably be along time before she could see her being happy again.. i asked who being the ones that hurt her most. She said her father. I then told her i wasnt her father and i could pinky promise *something we always did* that i would be that person i always was but more. like calling her in bed.. i never did that because i could never afford the phone bills etc. But id gladly accept them now and like i said. i havent changed but my prioritys have. and i know what matters and what doesnt..

Bascially ive laid it on the line, told her the door is open you just have to push it open and come inside, and alot of points agreed with me how she felt and how we both felt about the relationship before. like she said how amazing the 2 1/2 years was.. my line was imagine what a lifetime would be like eh.. just us two.. i think its making her think. but its still not certain. But thats it now. all the questions i asked, even if she thought i was still attractive she answered yes but she also noted id lost weight. she mentioned she liked my new hairstyle.. and things like.. i said.. you cant honestly say you cant miss everything we did.. the touching,kissing etc.. She agreed she missed them so much.

I told her i have never lied to her and never will and stand by the things i have said tonight and about everything i have said even the marriage proposal.

 

Little thingsshe has done like, she has kept the note i wrote her the last time i saw her saying that i believed the break up as a good thing, if we want it to rebuild etc. I then asked her why she had kept it. reply was that she didnt know if she would ever see me again and this was the last thing i gave her.. it had never left her handbag and was always with her..

 

Ive definitely installed into her that the things i took for granted, i will not again. why would i fight so much for you to loose you again? she still said tonight, she had lost me. And i still told her she hadnt. Only if she wanted to loose me im still here.. i didnt take the letters i wrote but i have told her about them.. that i didnt write them to her but to her heart. As its that, that isnt listening.. ive told her that depending on what happens i might let her read them. Whether that would also do something or confuse i dunno. Does show her my inner feelings etc and of course there is also the wedding photo we are on she doesnt know about, ie more good times.

 

she tried to make me promise that whatever the out come of us that we would remain friends. i told her that i couldnt promise that just like you cant promise that we will get the second chance. I also asked her what about her own friends.. they can help you.. I got.. no one understands me better/the way you do. i then told her how it would feel if i got involved with a girl. how it would make her feel. she agreed it would rip her apart and i agreed it the same for me if she found someone else. But i dont think that will happen just yet for either of us. but she doesnt want to loose that friendship we have.

The Trust is still there.. both with each others lives and also the love is there. she is just so hurt. I did tell her she needs to unbottle it on someone as its not doing her any good letting it eat her.. So from now on im going to play it cool and just be a friend to her and try not to confuse her with kissing her etc. she hasnt got a problem with me touching her, holding her hands as thats what she always liked it unlike my other ex's and we can talk just about anything. Altho there was some times where there was some silent, its understandable after a month of not seeing her.

 

she has told me that she will arrange to speak and see me again sometime next week as i brought something back from holiday when i went some months ago, just forgot to take them around and also them not having much money to give me. i didnt wanna just go around as it wasnt very nice just me dropping in like that.

 

progress??? i believe so. not in the way i wanted but it is still progress to reconcile if it gets that far. feelings dont just go away.

 

x

[Ayla]

Hey sonic,

Just flying by to say hello. How are you doing? I am glad the conversation the other day went ok. I was thinking of you. You are right feelings don't just go away, but when hurt or fear come into play it can change the whole thing. Hurt in you exs case and fear of commitment in my exs case.

 

Just keep thinking if number 1-you.

 

I had a pretty rough day today. Thought I was doing really well emotionally wise, and this morning I was a mess! It has been 6 weeks for me and I still miss him so much. I was balling my eyes out.

 

Anyway just wanted to see how you were doing.

X

[Sonic_chaos]

Hi Ayla.

 

Its amazing how one day you can be ok and even thought thinking about your ex keeping on and then the next hour or even next day so emotional and teary. Seems to be alot of songs that do it for me, becuase we was so much involved with our musics and words of the lyrics really do mean something, bit like telling a story. Just how we feel about them.. So when certain songs like,

Nelly Furtado - Try

GreenDay - Good riddance .. Time of your life

Anastasia - I belong to you

Snow patrol - Chasing cars

Anything to do with Dirty Dancing ie She's like the wind

The Pogues - I love you till the end (which is the theme to film P.S I love you)

 

Its sometimes hard to control the lump in my throat from going on to a full on crying session. Believe it or not the more i listen to them the more they become easier.

 

Myself, on wednesday morning when i woke up i wasnt back to square one but it did put me back alittle before seeing her. Im just trying to keep as busy as possible, reading etc. I have a job prospect as well which is abit hit and miss at the moment but fingers crossed things are turning around. Its not alot of money and its not what im trained to do, but im just thinking of the challenge and need to get out there and do something to take my mind of things. Im sure the time will past lots faster and better while occupied at work then at home thinking it all over..

 

Keep focused and something will come. one way or the other. im here if you need to offload anymore, as so far you and a few others have helped me loads.

 

x